the mat mays concert i never made it to

[livebuzzwords]

this winter was really hard for me. i learned alot about love and life, pain and suffering, but mostly, i learned how much i can endure and what kind of person i want to be.

 

if anyone has been following my previous posts on this site, you will already know that my ex-gf of 7 years and i had a messy end to our relationship and it has taken me a whole year to finally move on [which is truly the best for all involved].

 

as i stated before, when we were together, things were great at the beginning, and around the middle stage we hit a rough patch, i became ill, extremely depressed, started being rude and totally not the person i am, and the ex had enuff and packed up and moved away.

 

for the next 10 months i went thru some of the most bizarre and wonderful experiences and i learned so much. in one of my posts [can't remember which - my short term memory is gone now - lol], i spoke about some of the things i went thru and how they impacted me, my ex-gf and everyone around me. seeing that i have been purging myself of these memories, and in a public environment [actually helps - woo hoo], i thought, i would share with you a few of the things i went thru recently.

 

a disclaimer: after reading this most of u will think i'm certifably nuts, but, if you ever read the literature about mental illnesses, you see that my behaviours were simply text book stuff. i was doing things that seemed crazy but at the time made perfect sense to me. thank gawd, that is over and i am finally balanced again - whew [i am not planning to return to that 'state' ever again - once was enuff - lol].

 

as u might remember, i was extremely depressed and having mood swings during this time, i was battling an addiction so almost everything i did made no sense what so ever and my real life kept on being shaking by what my behaviour was responding to in fantasyland. for example: i thought i was having conversations with my ex-gf [i was talking with someone - only it sure wasn't her - lol] so i was doing things in response to that and suffering the consquences. one night in december, there was a concert i really wanted to go to and i thought i would invite the ex-gf. nice pre-christmas gift. mat mays was playing in town and i bought 2 hundred dollar tickets for the show. i bought them two days before he was to play [he rawks], and the day before the show, my ex-gf filed a police report stating i was calling her and i spent three days in jail [being manic in jail sucks big time] and i still have the unused tickets on my fridge at home - lol.

 

another time i went to three radio stations and managed to get on air and was about to request a closure meeting between her and i. no reply of course.

 

another example: twice i went and bought 300 bucks worth of roses, and waited in a fancy resturant, suit and tie to boot, for her to arrive. of course, she was a no show. i bought her 500 dollars worth of wooden elephants from a great africian store in town and was to meet her for a trip i planned to vancouver [bought plane tickets]. of course, she never showed.

 

see, when u are having a manic episode u do things like that [when u are undiagosed and not on any meds], you spent buckets of cash like it is going out of style. i bought her clothes, jewelry, put a downpayment [5,000] on a diamond ring. i checked out purchasing a new matrix [toyota car for those who did already know], i once bought 300 dollars worth of groceries because i thought she needed them and left them in her backyard [then sanity returned and i went back and got them].

 

i paid for registering at spas, yoga classes, art classes - i was trying to make amends for getting sick and having our relationship end and our life turned upside down - only i didn't do such a great job. there's a ton more, but you get the idea.

 

this went on for 10 months and i was hospitalized three times, arrested 7, publicly shamed and ridiculed constantly, i was humilitated, embarassed, mocked, scorned, feared, loathed, hated, and followed around. now does that sound like a fun time to u? jebus, why would anyone think someone, not ill, would be doing stuff like that on purpose - and all that because what the trigger was my needing forgiveness, compassion and understanding from someone that was never, ever, never, never, ever going to break her silence and simply ask "are u ok? do u need help? hey, i forgive u and understand what you are going thru" - that's all i needed - takes maybe 2 minutes and we would be done and healed but, instead, i lurched back and forth, receiving cold stares and silence.

 

but i finally made it thru [closure, letting go, moving on - whatever u call it] on my own. i am proud that i made it after everything i have been thru [that's just the tip of the bi-polar iceberg]. i really thought that someone who had gone thru an illness heself would have understood - but, she didn't - she prefered sending me to the slammer a few times and that is, of course, her right to do so and an option she choose to take. i wanted the short cut, not the long way home - but either way, the road has been driven and its all over now. whew.

 

i am now in a great relationship, healthy, and clean - feels great. i quit smoking, started my record label again, have almost finished a new cd, i plan on having a 'showing' of my polaroids [graffitti] in the fall, and i am back excerising.

 

thanks to everyone here that reads, contributes and 'gets it'.

 

stay kewl.