How I stopped using cocaine, found closure and moved on with my life

[livebuzzwords]

Hello everyone. I am posting a condensed version of what has happened to me and how I have overcome huge obstacles to show others out there struggling with an illness, an addiction or remorse from a past relationship to prove that things can change for the better, that anyone is capable of turning around the life and making healthy choices. I am also doing this as part of the purging I have been doing the last couple of days on this site. See, I am releasing the thoughts I have held in check and inside. They no longer burden me or hold me back, I am free from them.

 

Basically my story is not that dissimilar from others on here. I was this normal, ordinary guy just glowing with the flow of life until the wheels fell off and I had to piece my life back together right from the ground floor up all by myself. Everyone I knew had long ago abandoned me and written me off as damaged goods. So what exactly happened to me, you are asking yourself – lol

 

Well, let’s start at the beginning and work our way to the end – today. 5 years ago I met my soul mate, the ‘one’ for me. She was perfect in every way and all a man could ask for in a partner. We loved each other and had a great, healthy relationship. At the mid-way point of our relationship, she moved in with me in my home and we started seriously planning our future together.

 

Around that time I was in a stressful situation at work. I was being harassed by my boss and given demeaning tasks. My home life started to change around the same time. I went from living alone to taking on the task of making a blended family work and shoulder the financial burden for all. I liked doing that. I liked being the go-to-guy, the man, the provider, the rock.

 

So suddenly my work and home life became stressful at the same time and I gradual sank into a depression. I didn’t realize that was happening to me because, if you have ever suffered from a depression, u will understand that it doesn’t just appear over-night, it’s a gradual, evolutionary kind of illness. It sneaks up on you, your behavior and attitude slowly change, and you don’t even realize it.

 

So, I started getting ill, figured something was wrong, went to see a doctor and he put me on effector [anti-depressant] and, people stay away from that one, it actually made things worse and I plunged into a severe dark hole. I turned into a completely different person and started emotionally and verbally abusing everyone, I was mad all the time, and I did nothing to get better.

 

A friend saw that I had lost all my strength and motivation and he suggest that I try using cocaine as a ‘pick me up’. And when you are depressed, your judgment flies out the door, so I started using even thought I knew it was a deal breaker for her and me in the relationship. I hid my substance abuse from everyone and started lying about things when I got careless. I had never lied to a partner before in my life. So, suddenly I found myself corrupting my morals, beliefs, and values, in a deep depression, addicted to cocaine, out of work, abusing my family and suffering from an illness I didn’t know I had.

 

The cocaine use triggered my bi-polar and I started behaving in strange way. My ex-gf tried the best she could to get me better but after exhausting all her energy, she and her child decided it was best that they leave before they themselves got ill. It is usually the loved ones that get hurt the most when stuff like this happens because they are on the front lines fighting for the person who is loved by them but changing from the person they knew. So they left and I was suddenly alone, in an empty house, no friends, no soul mate, no family and I did everything I could to get better.

 

Unfortunately my mania had started, I went from being depressed and unable to do anything, to having incredible energy and able to stay up without sleep, food or water for several days at a time. I tried showing my ex-gf that I had regained my health but she no longer was interested in a relationship with me, I had hurt her too much during our time living together and she told me things were beyond repair. I was extremely heartbroken, I felt cheated because an illness, not me, had robbed me of my soul mate, and I desperately wanted to have her see me as the man I was, not the one she ran from – the depressed, abusive, junkie [nice eh].

 

Because I had started using cocaine during our relationship I was determined to quit using it by having her and I put an end to it. I became stuck in a holding pattern and my substance abuse became entwined with quitting with her and my role in the end our relationship – so I continued to use. I became extremely ill after 7 months of constant use, and I started searching for ways to quit and find out how she was doing because the moment she moved out she basically went into No Contact mode and I had never experienced someone doing that so I thought something was wrong, and being ‘the man’ I wanted to help her.

 

At every turn I was informed that it was me that was ill, she had told her friends and family that I was a junkie so no-one listened to me or saw that I needed help – no one cared and no-one came to assist me. So for a complete winter I was on my own, struggling to find my way back to the person I was. Thank gawd for music. It was my companion. Being a musician, the muse had always supported me and I listened to music no-stopped, it inspired me, showed me the way, and musicians like buck65, tom petty, tegan and sara muse feed my need for company.

 

Around this time I started going to internet cafes, spending days, weeks online, no sleep, manic. I blew a ton of cash in many different ways all in order to show the ex-gf that I was sorry for ending something that was perfect. I wasn’t looking for a reunion, she made that clearly stated as a non starter, I was looking for forgiveness for me [i didn’t want her last image of me to be that *******], closure for both of us, and reassurance for her. And for 7 months, all I heard was silence. As a result of that, I became emotionally attached to the notion that my self-worth was being determined by how she was reacting to me now – compared to how it was in the past, totally opposite so I started seriously abusing and punishing myself by using large amounts of cocaine.

 

I don’t like cocaine, never have. My use was my method of self-harm, eventually I didn’t even get high off it, and I became a functional junkie. I sank into a depressed state again [bi-polar’s ups and downs] and my ex-gf along with my ex-wife went to court to remove my daughter from my care and my ex-gf filed reports with the police, because during my delusional period I thought I had been communicating with her, and after 3 warnings, my ex-gf, someone that once loved me, had the paperwork done up that sent me to prison. So, I found myself in a manic state, addicted, without a family, a job, friends, etc. all because of an illness and because of a need for forgiveness, compassion and understanding from her [never was given and never will be I am sure of].

 

It was in prison that I stopped using cocaine and realized that I had placed my job on her plate and I had wasted months confusing what I should have done myself. It was in prison where I found closure because having your soul mate send you to the slammer makes you realize very fast that they don’t give a rat’s ass about you anymore. It was there I had my reality check and realized this person will never be in my life again and my need for her to feel better, see me as the person I was, to quit cocaine with her vanished and I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I no-longer felt it was my responsibility to mend fences and place importance on someone who was now a stranger.

 

It is an amazing feeling to have yer soul mate send you to prison because they now fear you and you knowing that is a result of no communication and bitterness. It is a hurtful thing to experience and it shakes you to your core. So, something that could have taken us minutes had turned into almost a whole year was suddenly over – I had made it through. I was transferred to a hospital where I started taking meds and my bi-polar became leveled, my addiction, or my usage had stopped, and I had closure.

 

It was in the hospital that I met woman who cared and I suddenly found someone that saw me and not the illness and addiction and I felt wanted again. It has been a while since I was discharged from the hospital and I am enjoying my newfound freedom, life and I have learned and experienced so much in such a short time. I know I am now able to do the things that I must do to not contact my ex-gf, lead a healthy, normal life and be in a relationship with someone who saw me at my worse and didn’t run. Not too shabby eh.

 

So all of you out there who are feeling low, and thinking you can’t climb those mountains, you can. Just take each piece of the puzzle and solve them one at a time, don’t look to others to complete what only you must, and believe in yourself and before you know it – you too will be a changed person.

[me123]

I'm surprised that nobody has responded to this thread yet because it brought tears to my eyes. Our situation is not the same, but I can relate. I got with my bf in November '06 and I love him with all of my heart and soul. I had used cocaine in the past, in large amounts but it had never gotten out of control. In December he asked me if i wanted a line and I said yes and immediately got my taste back for it (it had been about 3-4 years since i had last used) At first it was cool, just using at parties, or once in awhile when we both felt like it. But now he is trying to get off all together, and i totally support him, but am finding it hard....he told me the other day that either I stop using or we cant be together anymore. I know that I am addicted in some sense, but i know its all psychological and in my head because i could go for weeks without physical symptoms.

I guess what I am getting at is that I can relate to your story about how it can get out of control without you even realizing it....since my ultimatum, I have not used except for the odd night...but you make up excuses or act out of character and you dont realize it till its too late.

I'm glad that you posted your story on here because I love my bf with all of my heart, and even though I want to keep using for fun, its not worth ruining a relationship with someone you love. Your story really opened my eyes because until now I was looking for someone to tell me that what I'm doing is ok and that its all him....but really it isnt and unless i smarten up, i'm going to lose out on a very beautiful thing.

thank you, and i'm glad that you are in a better place now.

[ToriJ]

Hi, im so glad that you managed to find your way out of that dark place you were in and build a life for yourself. Your story is very inspirational.

I would like to ask you a question. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years began using a lot of hash and taking coke at the wkends when he was going out with the lads. I didnt mind the hash at first. He only started using the coke when his nanny died. They wer very close and it just pushed him over the edge, he needed something to escape to.

This completly changed him. He turned into a shadow of himself. All his ambitions, his love for me, his job everything just seemed to not matter to him anymore. He then started cheating on me. I only found out a few months later about this and i left him.

It seems he has been going through something quite similar to you. He's being eaten up with guilt and remorse for doing all this to me. Spending all his time alone listening to sad music that reminds him of us. He says he doesnt want to move on from me, he's very depressed and has mentioned suicide a few times.

Anyway over the past few weeks he's been saying that he's cleaning up his act. He had great ambition for the future before all this and i 100% believe he can achieve it if he puts his mind to it. He's blaming the drugs for his cheating and treating me horribly. Says it made him emotionless, like he didnt love me anymore. He too taught from day 1 that i was his soulmate and i taught the same so you can imagine how difficult it has been for me. I just need to know can hash and a little bit of cocaine really change someones personality so drastically? I appreciate any answers. Thanks xxx

[Road Rage]

ToriJ

 

The short answer is your boyfiend has an addictive personality. There is no choice for him except to complete stay away from it all and be complete clean.

 

Otherwise, it will cause problems, again and again and again.

[ToriJ]

Hi thanks for your reply. I have figured that much out for myself, what i need to no is can drugs change a persons personality to the point where they become emotionless. He is blaming his cheating on the drugs. Says when he was out and high he never taught of me at all. He was just in the moment. Then he'd feel really guilty the next day and to compensate he'd just have a splif and then wouldnt feel so bad. Ive never used drugs so i just dont know if this is actually possible or if all of this is just lies.

 

I know the picture ive painted of this man isnt a good one. He's not a drugie. He's going to do very well in his life, in everything he does he excels, always top of the class at everything. He's also very sensitive, caring and loving person usually. I honestly dont recognise the person i was with for the last 6 months of our relationship. He was totally different before all of this and i just dont know if it was the drugs, if he was depressed or just fell out of love with me. At least if i know drugs can do this to a person i can help him.

[confusion92]

From what it seems I have a lot in common with everyone else. I'm currently stuck in a situation that I basically dug the hole that I'm standing in. I have never done coke, nor will I ever. I have seen what it does, and how it can distroy everything around you with out the user even realizing what they're doing to the ones that are standing by them. My boyfriend of the last 7 years is addicited to coke, he says hes not b/c he doesn't use everyday, just every weekend. We have bought a house together and we have a little girl together. I love him, but his lying, his cheating, the "jekle and hyde" behavior, I'm so tired. I know there is nothing else I can try to do for him. I just need someone that can relate to what I"m going through I guess. I would leave but I have no where to go with my daughter, and uprooting her would cause more harm then good at this point. I've tried to tell him to leave, but he won't. I'm so tired, and I don't know what to do anymore. If anyone wouldn't mind just being a friend, I think I could really use one that can understand what I'm dealing with