angie16 Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 *(long post, apologies in advance) So about 6 months ago my long term boyfriend that i have lived with for a year and half (been together about 2 yeras) had the terrible tradgedy of losing his father suddenly. His family is from outside syracuse, so of course the next morning we traveled together with his younger brother (who goes to school near us in NYC) to Buffalo for the funeral and to be with his mother. He has a very large loving family, that i have met several times and enjoyed very much. i really felt myself fitting in with them and looking forward to holiday visits upstate. in any case, on the day of the wake (we had been there 5 days) my boyfriend mentions that his ex (that i had never met, but heard of -- i knew they went out for 5 years during and after college) may be at the wake that morning. (also she lives in NYC as well, not in syracuse). I honestly wasn't happy about it, but understood, seeing how she may want to pay respects. To my shock at the wake, not only was she paying her respects, but she was staying in town with his aunt, and was extremely close to his whole family. so close that she was in the recieving line at the funeral and was hugging all of my bf's distant relatives that i had not yet met. she was even mistaken for still being his girlfriend several times! His aunt even described her as a family member.(even though they had been broken up 2 years at this point). (My boyfriend did not talk to her at all the whole day) My boyfriend was so upset of course about his dad that i kept my horror and pain bottled up during the wake. But i was stunned and shocked. later that night I learned that she still travels up there to hang out with the family and is practically best friends with his brother. I could not belive that my bf had not previously mentioned this. To boot at his aunt's house, there were pictures of her on the mantle!!! I felt decieved and very hurt, and honestly very confused. i felt that she should have moved on and that it was not a fair situation for me to be in. In any case i did do something that i regret. we were introduced at the wake and someone in the family had told her that my bf and i had only been going out for 2 weeks! when in fact at that point we had been living together for over a year! It seemed like everyone in his family was looking to protect her over their break up (he left her) and that no one was thinking of how horrible i would feel. She even told me that "she had it covered, and i didn't need to be there". In any case that night i woke up at 2am and need to vent. i googled her and found her email. I sent her a letter that was strongly worded ( i didn't curse or threaten her, just asking over and over why she hadn't moved on and how rude it was). the next i felt bad and sent her an apology right away. she never responded to either of my emails, just FORWARDED them to my bf's brother, who now hasn't spoken to me since march. my boyfriend seems to have let it go, (we almost broke up when he first heard about it) but i still havne' spoken to his brother (i have tried to call and write numerous times). I need advice? Is this relationship doomed now? But more importantly, I am still hurt that she is so apart of thier lives. the thought that she could be there anytime hanging out with them makes me shake from the inside (she is wealthy and could fly up at any time). why won't she move on? wouldn't you feel wierd in this situation? advice? how do i get past this? i literally have nightmares 6 months later.
Rowdy Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I don't think there is really much that you can do about the situation. The family has known this girl for a long time, and from what I can tell will maintain contact with her. You may not like the situation, but try not to worry about it too much. So what if she is in with your boyfriend's family? He is with you and not her.
squeak Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 She even told me that "she had it covered, and i didn't need to be there". Was that the ex saying that to you? Wow, this really sucks, but it seems your bf is def on your side. This is like some mind game where you have no control in that situation but have to remind yourself he is with you. It can stroke your nerves. No, your relationship is not doomed. It is funny how the ex will just keep hanging around the family, it is more a test of wills---will you get freaked and scare yourself off or not? I would want to find out a bit more about her, like is she dating anyone else, if she tries to contact him. Unfortunately, in my experience a girl does not hang out with the ex's family so long afterwards without agenda. But--you said they had been broken up 2 years and you both have been together 2 ?? Did you start going out when he was with her? Or after? That is def some passive/aggressive stuff on her part. In any case, you only have to deal with it at family time, right?
mental_traveller Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 It's hard to give advice because you don't really describe your bf's feelings or actions about this situation. As long as he has moved on then it should be ok. However, it does puzzle me why did his family say you had only dated for 2 weeks? Are you sure it was just to "shield" this ex-gf, or was it because that's what your bf has said? You need to clear that up first. If your bf told the truth, and someone in the family lied about this to the ex, you need to tell your bf to confront them with you and really have a go at them, demand nothing like that happens again. To me it sounds like his family really liked the ex, so they are treating her nice. But you are dating him, not his family. You don't really have any right to tell his family not to see his ex or invite her over as a social friend. All you have the right to expect is that your bf doesn't treat her that way.
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