Need advice please

[Robert00]

Hi All,

 

This is my first time posting so please bear with me. I am in the same situation as Chris was in this post:

 

Here

 

This difference is my ex is 36 and we have been together for 3 years.

 

It started out with us breaking up and me to move out, to just taking some cloths and living at my parents house for a month or two. While she finds her self and heals. Again just like Chris's situation she said less then a week that she does not think its going to work and maybe I should get my own place.

 

So currently all my stuff is over at her place, I still have the key and I am living at my parents house. I am completely devastated and cant eat, sleep, or do anything for that matter, I have to force my self to go to work. I have gone looking and found a apartment but I am scared to sign a 9 month lease. I am still doing the "What If's". Its only been a week, what if she calls and says let try again but I already locked my self in to a lease. She has already said I can keep my stuff there as long as I need to so maybe it’s a good idea to stay with my parents and "See". I just don’t know, all I know is this is killing me. Any advice would be helpful.

[Tony T]

My advice is to move on. What your lady did was pretty bold and determined. A break up is very hard but you need to go throught the pain and simply move on. Resolve yourself to the fact that she would not have taken such dramatic measures if she was remotely happy with the relationship. And it probably has nothing to do with you. She's probably not happy with herself.

 

There is no reason to stop your life cold waiting for her to call you and ask you back. Things don't work that way.

 

I also highly recommend that you get all your things back from her place and break all ties with her. You will not be able to heal if you have contact with her. Maybe in time...but not now.

 

I know right now you are very down. I've been there. But it doesn't last...and eventually you grow to feel much better and find someone you will love a lot more in a uniquely different way. Trust me on that!

[Robert00]

Well a lot has happened and need yet some more advice. I put some holding money down on an apartment and scheduled some time on last Friday to sign the lease. I sent her a very strait forward email Thursday asking her if I can get my things on Saturday and requesting her to not be there. She replayed asking why she could not be there and I said its for the best. She agreed and asked if I was mad at her. I ignored this and did not reply.

 

She called my cell that night (from a no caller ID phone) and we talked for a while. To make a long story short I ended up going over there and spending the next two nights with her. They were great, I felt more affection from her in those two days then I have in a while. She told me that in the beginning of this she did not want to have anything to do with me. But she realized that she missies me very mush.

 

Anyways we decided that it would be best that I not get an apartment because that's a 9 month commitment and I would need to buy a lot of furniture. If we did end up getting back together then we would have all this extra stuff with no were to put it. But she still needs to be alone. so on Saturday night I went back to my parents but we agreed to see each other on Wednesday. We had dinner that night and every thing went great. I wont be going over there until Monday now.

 

Here is where I need advice, she says she still needs to be alone but wants to see me (start over and slowlly). She does not know how long this will take or the out come. She wants to work on her self first then go to counseling with me. I still feel like crap, I miss her when I am not with her and feel sad and sometimes mad at my self. I think thoughts like "Hay screw this, get your own apartment and she knows your cell if she wants to get back together full time and not this every once and a while she will call". But on the other hand do I just wait. I DO KNOW I LOVE HER and want to be with her. This is just VERY hard.

[Tony T]

I agree that the two of you should take things slow. Very often, when there's a break up if the two people get back together eventually things get back to their old patter and everything goes to hell again. You will have to work hard to keep that from happening.

 

I don't think this should interfere with you getting your own place. If she doesn't want to get back with you immediately....which I think is good....I think having your own place for a period of time is a good idea.

 

It's very important for you to back off and be a little cool about all this. You seem to be very controlling and you attempt to force life to happen your way. It doesn't do that. Just lay back and let time pass. I promise you, your reconciliation will be so much sweeter and long lasting if you let it happen more slowly than if you just press back in there like gangbusters. As a matter of fact, that could be a fatal move on your part.

 

Try to develop a more carefree attitude about life and don't be so hell bent on having things happen any particular way and in any particular time frame. It's really no big deal whatsoever whether you're back with her 100 percent today or next year. In the context of time, you will appreciate the relationship so much better if it evolves over time.

 

So resolve to relax and respect other people's desire for space and time. And learn to take some of that for yourself. Go to DisneyWorld...spend a couple of weeks by yourself. You'd be surprised what great things can happen to you when you take time to be alone and to renew yourself without the influence of another person or other people.

 

Remember....be cool, be calm, and let things happen in their own good time.

[sheeba]

i'm not saying play games-jeez-but you know what? get your own apartment and make HER do some of the work. you sound like a nice man-maybe she needs to work to GET YOU back-and not the other way around.

 

a whole new world might open up to you if get your own place anyway. things happen for a reason. you don't need to feel like she is calling all the shots. be unavailable a few times. don't visit her on demand. go get yer stuff and get yer own place. things will change from there-trust me.