Been burnt too many times

[nellstar]

Why is it so hard for women to stay friends for a very long time with one another?

 

I have had a number really good girlfriends. Just last year, I got to know a girl who is 8 yrs my junior. With that, we still got a long very well. Shared a lot of common things and even some of our characteristics are the same. We were like soul sisters.

 

Then something happened. She asked me to test this guy she met online. They ended up arguing when he found out what she asked me to do. The guy and I ended being friends. He's 35. So you can imagine how immature my friend can be which I told her so. She claimed he was her bf, after only gotten to know him for a few days.

 

In Feb, a guy (H) asked for her num and gave him. They started talking a lot and they went for a movie and ended up at his place. At that time, she just broke up with her bf - F (the real bf, not the guy she met online) and I guess she was on a rebound but before any of that happened, I told her to take some time to think about how she feels and what she wants. I really cared about her and I just want her to not get hurt. She said she was fine and that she just wanted meaningless sex.

 

Guess what? She ended up telling H that she wanted something more. Kept telling him how she wanted him to be different than her ex-bf, F. A few days after they had their first sex together, H came to visit her at my academy. He saw me for the second time (we all went out for supper one night before and he kept asking me questions about my life, family etc but nothing was asked so much on hers) and kept telling me how good I look, in front of her. I thought that was uncalled for and rude.

 

Anyway, after that - he asked for my num from my friend. She said no and called me to tell me not to have any sort of contact with H. I said okay, fine. Not that it matters. But H came to see me and told me that there's nothing wrong in beings friends and that they are even seeing one another. During this time, my friend, S kept telling me that all she wanted was meaningless sex and not interested in having a r/ship with H. Also about the same time as all the above happened (with the online guy, F and H), she was also having a cyber r/ship (whatever you call it) with another guy from Dubai.

 

Eventually, H and I became friends. We talked about a lot of things and none on sex. We just enjoy each other's company and views on things. He just got out of a long term r/ship and didn't want to have any at the moment. Which was fine by me as that isn't what I was looking for. So basically, the guy earlier ® she asked me to test ended up having something more with me than what they had. Now, I don't see myself as a bf stealer or whatever you call it. First of all, they weren't in a r/ship. She claimed so only after a few days. With H, she wanted the same thing but H didn't want that. With both men, I respected their wishes and I guess with that, they are more comfortable with me.

 

The thing is, she jumps from one guy to another but tells people (our friends) that I hurt her bad by stealing her bfs. As I said, I know for a fact none of these guys lead her on into thinking that she could be more than a friend. I have been keeping queit about all this because I don't see myself as the bad person here. All I wanted was for her to take her time to deal with her feelings. She's only 19. If any guy as close as to give her a small attention, she sees it as he wanting to be her bf. So why couldn't she see how much I care about her? Why must she tell everyone else that I treated her bad... etc. I am older and I see things differently but because we were so close, it really got to me. It still does sometimes. She didn't want to see things the matured way. I've spoken to ppl my age and they just don't see the big deal with my being friends with the guys. To her, it's like I stole them away from her which to begin with, wasn't hers in the first place!!

[Heavenly55]

Why is it so hard for women to stay friends for a very long time with one another?

 

I have had a number really good girlfriends. Just last year, I got to know a girl who is 8 yrs my junior. With that, we still got a long very well. Shared a lot of common things and even some of our characteristics are the same. We were like soul sisters.

 

Then something happened. She asked me to test this guy she met online. They ended up arguing when he found out what she asked me to do. The guy and I ended being friends. He's 35. So you can imagine how immature my friend can be which I told her so. She claimed he was her bf, after only gotten to know him for a few days.

 

In Feb, a guy (H) asked for her num and gave him. They started talking a lot and they went for a movie and ended up at his place. At that time, she just broke up with her bf - F (the real bf, not the guy she met online) and I guess she was on a rebound but before any of that happened, I told her to take some time to think about how she feels and what she wants. I really cared about her and I just want her to not get hurt. She said she was fine and that she just wanted meaningless sex.

 

Guess what? She ended up telling H that she wanted something more. Kept telling him how she wanted him to be different than her ex-bf, F. A few days after they had their first sex together, H came to visit her at my academy. He saw me for the second time (we all went out for supper one night before and he kept asking me questions about my life, family etc but nothing was asked so much on hers) and kept telling me how good I look, in front of her. I thought that was uncalled for and rude.

 

Anyway, after that - he asked for my num from my friend. She said no and called me to tell me not to have any sort of contact with H. I said okay, fine. Not that it matters. But H came to see me and told me that there's nothing wrong in beings friends and that they are even seeing one another. During this time, my friend, S kept telling me that all she wanted was meaningless sex and not interested in having a r/ship with H. Also about the same time as all the above happened (with the online guy, F and H), she was also having a cyber r/ship (whatever you call it) with another guy from Dubai.

 

Eventually, H and I became friends. We talked about a lot of things and none on sex. We just enjoy each other's company and views on things. He just got out of a long term r/ship and didn't want to have any at the moment. Which was fine by me as that isn't what I was looking for. So basically, the guy earlier ® she asked me to test ended up having something more with me than what they had. Now, I don't see myself as a bf stealer or whatever you call it. First of all, they weren't in a r/ship. She claimed so only after a few days. With H, she wanted the same thing but H didn't want that. With both men, I respected their wishes and I guess with that, they are more comfortable with me.

 

The thing is, she jumps from one guy to another but tells people (our friends) that I hurt her bad by stealing her bfs. As I said, I know for a fact none of these guys lead her on into thinking that she could be more than a friend. I have been keeping queit about all this because I don't see myself as the bad person here. All I wanted was for her to take her time to deal with her feelings. She's only 19. If any guy as close as to give her a small attention, she sees it as he wanting to be her bf. So why couldn't she see how much I care about her? Why must she tell everyone else that I treated her bad... etc. I am older and I see things differently but because we were so close, it really got to me. It still does sometimes. She didn't want to see things the matured way. I've spoken to ppl my age and they just don't see the big deal with my being friends with the guys. To her, it's like I stole them away from her which to begin with, wasn't hers in the first place!!

I only skimed this but as soon as I saw 19, I can tell you she is a baby still and extremely immature from what I read. No offense to you but since you are in your late 20s and her a teen how much can you have in common. Me personally, even the 21 22 year olds I ran into are extremely immature when it comes to handling guys and frienships... I used to be one lol.- I've never really had friends too far out of my age range but even some of the younger girls I work with when I hear some of the stuff that come out of their mouths I realize just how young and naive they really are. When I was that age I let many a guy come between friendships..now I'm a grown women and all this petty nonsense bc that's what it sounds like, I honestly don't have time for. Does this girl have a life or things going on for her besides chasing around guys bc it don't sound like it. I would really reavalute this friendship if I were you.

[Trialbyfire]

I think there are two issues here.

 

First, as the previous poster mentioned, your friend is very young and from the sounds of your description, very immature. With this lack of stability, she invests quickly, then frenetically moves on, if things aren't quite right.

 

The second part is that you need to ask yourself some questions. Why are you bonding to the leftover guys? Is there some form of competitive appeal?

[underpants]

Girlfriends can be lifetime friends.

 

I have a few, and am very lucky. They rock. Choose your friends wisely.

 

Hoe's before bro's.

 

That being said. I kind of agree with TBF, why are you bonding with men she puts a flag on so to speak? This does not sound healthy if it is a pattern.

 

This is just one girl and maybe you two have a weird dynamic so maybe this one can move toward the acquaintance level, not so much the deep sisterhood level.

 

Be careful who you befriend as well as what type of friend you choose to be.

[nellstar]

I think there are two issues here.

 

First, as the previous poster mentioned, your friend is very young and from the sounds of your description, very immature. With this lack of stability, she invests quickly, then frenetically moves on, if things aren't quite right.

 

The second part is that you need to ask yourself some questions. Why are you bonding to the leftover guys? Is there some form of competitive appeal?

 

She is immature and I have told her so many times to not let herself get into a r/ship without giving herself some time to think through if it was worth it or not. The thing is, she can be mature - if she wanted to. The things she says, can be really insightful for her age. Even some of our older friends said so but most of the time, when it comes to men, she can be very immature. Doesn't want to see anyone's point of view (esp when she can see that it is right) but hers. Even her mother knows it.

 

I have bonded with the 'leftover' guys as friends only because they are older - both 35 - and we seem to understand each other more and have no issues about whether we want a r/ship or not with one another. I do not need to compete with any girl, trust me. It's always the other way around. My girlfriends - or ex-gfs - always seem to want to compete WITH me. Be it at school, work or men. As for those two men, they kept in touch with me up till now and I don't even reply emails/smses sometimes because I feel like I am doing something behind her back which I really don't think I am doing anything wrong at all!

[nellstar]

Does this girl have a life or things going on for her besides chasing around guys bc it don't sound like it. I would really reavalute this friendship if I were you.

 

She has a college life - so when she's not busy chasing after guys, she's studying or doing her assignments. Just recently, a friend of ours told me that she's seeing someone new. Her r/ship with her ex-bf, F is still somewhat on and off.

 

Her parents got divorced when she was still in her primary school. Her mother remarried few years later and at the age of 16, she lost her father. So she only has her step-father but they aren't close. So in my opinion, I think she lacks attention from men and seeks it whenever she can since her step-father doesn't give her any emotional attention except money and material things.

 

When I think back about all the things she said about me to our friends, it really hurts. I think it hurts more knowing that a 19 yr old could do this to me. I let her do this to me. I don't really miss her but I still care a great deal because I really think she's going to get herself into depression. Most of the guys she has been with, could not stand her immaturity. I know that because some of them are my friends as well. Her ex-bf is a tutor at my academy and he used to come to me to make him understand her more.

[Trialbyfire]

I have bonded with the 'leftover' guys as friends only because they are older - both 35 - and we seem to understand each other more and have no issues about whether we want a r/ship or not with one another. I do not need to compete with any girl, trust me. It's always the other way around. My girlfriends - or ex-gfs - always seem to want to compete WITH me. Be it at school, work or men. As for those two men, they kept in touch with me up till now and I don't even reply emails/smses sometimes because I feel like I am doing something behind her back which I really don't think I am doing anything wrong at all!

I think you have to consider the only consistency within all these relationships, which would be yourself. If I had a friend who wanted to keep in touch with all my exes, I would also be asking why and being concerned about where your loyalties lay. If I told you my feelings on all the exes, would you be tempted to spill the beans to any or all of them? Probably not but this would be a concern.

[nellstar]

Girlfriends can be lifetime friends.

 

I have a few, and am very lucky. They rock. Choose your friends wisely.

 

Hoe's before bro's.

 

That being said. I kind of agree with TBF, why are you bonding with men she puts a flag on so to speak? This does not sound healthy if it is a pattern.

 

This is just one girl and maybe you two have a weird dynamic so maybe this one can move toward the acquaintance level, not so much the deep sisterhood level.

 

Be careful who you befriend as well as what type of friend you choose to be.

 

On my part, I never let a guy come in between me and my friends. In my past, we came in a group. There'd be 6 of us. There would always be one who wants to be the 'leader'. I don't really give a s**t when it comes to things like that. It's pointless. Anyway, what usually happens in my circle of sisterhood is that, one would b***h about the other one and says the other person said so... etc... and we all ended up not being friends anymore. What really irks me is that, I'm always the ONE that they leave. Not the person who started the rumours etc. I suppose because a liar or a person that spreads rumours are always good at making other people look bad that he/she always gets away.

[nellstar]

I think you have to consider the only consistency within all these relationships, which would be yourself. If I had a friend who wanted to keep in touch with all my exes, I would also be asking why and being concerned about where your loyalties lay. If I told you my feelings on all the exes, would you be tempted to spill the beans to any or all of them? Probably not but this would be a concern.

 

They weren't her ex-es so I don't think that counts. I do not go after my friends' ex-es, no matter how good/hot/intelligent the guys are.

 

Whatever she has said to me about any guy, stays within me. Up till now. I think that should count for something. I could have said a lot of things to those guys and could get her into deeper s**t but I didn't because I am not that kinda person. I may think but I don't act on it. Where else with her, she thinks it, acts on it and then regrets it. Not just in this case, with any case.

 

I know I should let her learn her lessons through all these... but I'm afraid she hasn't at all. She got pregnant once and had an abortion - I thought that would have woken her up... but I guess, it hasn't...

[Trialbyfire]

They weren't her ex-es so I don't think that counts. I do not go after my friends' ex-es, no matter how good/hot/intelligent the guys are.

 

Whatever she has said to me about any guy, stays within me. Up till now. I think that should count for something. I could have said a lot of things to those guys and could get her into deeper s**t but I didn't because I am not that kinda person. I may think but I don't act on it. Where else with her, she thinks it, acts on it and then regrets it. Not just in this case, with any case.

 

I know I should let her learn her lessons through all these... but I'm afraid she hasn't at all. She got pregnant once and had an abortion - I thought that would have woken her up... but I guess, it hasn't...

So here's the million dollar question. Do you value her friendship and the friendship of other women or do you eventually start to feel superior and disillusioned?

[underpants]

On my part, I never let a guy come in between me and my friends. In my past, we came in a group. There'd be 6 of us. There would always be one who wants to be the 'leader'. I don't really give a s**t when it comes to things like that. It's pointless. Anyway, what usually happens in my circle of sisterhood is that, one would b***h about the other one and says the other person said so... etc... and we all ended up not being friends anymore. What really irks me is that, I'm always the ONE that they leave. Not the person who started the rumours etc. I suppose because a liar or a person that spreads rumours are always good at making other people look bad that he/she always gets away.

 

Huh?

 

This makes no sense to me. sorry.

 

Yes, women can be competitive. When you realize you are running with a pack of 'mad cows' then you need to quesiton your associates. Just saying.

 

However, I urge you to look within yourself at your "cool" factor with these men and how you, yourself might me also playing the competitive game, and to what end? Also, just saying.

 

With any relationship, platonic or romantic, you need to know where you are grounded so to speak. This is a road less traveled. Also one I hope is worth the footsteps.

 

Regards,

Unders

[nellstar]

So here's the million dollar question. Do you value her friendship and the friendship of other women or do you eventually start to feel superior and disillusioned?

 

I value her friendship even after what she did. I feel stupid and the people I confide in, who know her as well said I am stupid for wanting to keep in touch with her and caring for her.

 

LOL - I really don't feel superior at all.

[Lyssa]

This is way too weird.

 

I don't even understand why you're friends with a 19 yr when you're clearly way older and I'm sure being in the twenties, you could find better mates.

 

Just drop her and move on. Not worth it. You gotta admit that, you do enjoy the fact that those guys find you more interesting. That probably boosted your ego... and you might just feel a little guilty about that and now you make it like she's really wrong?

 

The only thing that's wrong is that she said stuff about you...

[CaterpillarGirl]

Regardless of whether or not she actually "dated" these guys, she was interested in them. And she made it clear for H, that she didn't want you near him. You should have backed off from getting to know these guys for the sake of your friendship with this girl. If you felt that you still wanted to get to know them or that she was being unreasonable about it you should have sorted this out with your friend BEFORE doing anything else. Now it just looks like you went behind her back and are expecting her to be understanding about it.

 

If you think your friend is immature, or delusional, or whatever you should stop being friends with her. Friends respect each other and its clear from your actions and words that you have little respect for her. The age difference might be part of this problem, but I think that you had some responsibility for this rift.

[nellstar]

Regardless of whether or not she actually "dated" these guys, she was interested in them. And she made it clear for H, that she didn't want you near him. You should have backed off from getting to know these guys for the sake of your friendship with this girl. If you felt that you still wanted to get to know them or that she was being unreasonable about it you should have sorted this out with your friend BEFORE doing anything else. Now it just looks like you went behind her back and are expecting her to be understanding about it.

 

If you think your friend is immature, or delusional, or whatever you should stop being friends with her. Friends respect each other and its clear from your actions and words that you have little respect for her. The age difference might be part of this problem, but I think that you had some responsibility for this rift.

 

I'm sorry but I just don't think I am responsible for the rift. I had in the past, asked her many times if my friendship with the guys pissed her off. Her answer is no.

 

I just don't understand why is it such a big deal to be friends with guys? They're not leftovers to begin with. Maybe one is but that's just it, I am his friend. We go out and talk about whatever that is happening around the world, hang out with each other's friends... what's the effing big deal in that??

[CaterpillarGirl]

Look, I"m just trying to help. Regardless of whether she said she was cool with you hanging out with these guys, her actions say otherwise. If you want to stay friends with her, stop seeing these guys and talk to her openly about whatever problems you are having in your relationship with her. If you want her to come crawling back to you, apologizing for acting like a whiny little baby, be prepared to wait until she actually grows up. If neither of these appeal to you, accept that the friendship is over and move on.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sorry but I just don't think I am responsible for the rift. I had in the past, asked her many times if my friendship with the guys pissed her off. Her answer is no.

 

I just don't understand why is it such a big deal to be friends with guys? They're not leftovers to begin with. Maybe one is but that's just it, I am his friend. We go out and talk about whatever that is happening around the world, hang out with each other's friends... what's the effing big deal in that??

Each component isn't a big deal. The composite is the problem. You cannot control her behaviour but you can control yours. What everyone is attempting to communicate is that you're no angel in this situation. Either you value her friendship more or you value others more. She has expressed her boundaries to you that she's unhappy with your relationship with the guys. The guys are side issues. What you've done is to put your personal needs before anything and have negated her needs.

 

I agree with CaterpillarGirl. Buck up or move on.

[uniqueone]

I don't get what you hope to get out of this? Do you want an apology from her? Do you want her to ok you being friends with them? Do you want our ok with your being friends with them? Do you want everyone to be one big happy family? What outcome are you hoping for?

[nellstar]

Since the last time I was here, there is an update on this matter. R and I have gotten closer than ever so I told H that and he got pissed.

 

I told H I can no longer stay friends with him because he keeps wanting to be more than friends and I just can't cheat on R, my bf. I can't do that to someone I love so H got so pissed he went berserk and swore his head off. Told me R is good for nothing - yeah sure, you know R better!!

 

Anyway, few days later - my friend - the teenage girl - called and apologized for saying the things she said. She also mentioned that H called her up days before to confess his love for her. I accepted her apology but told her she hurt me too much for me to stay friends with her now. Not after the emails he sent to R trying to break us up. Anyhow, after we spoke that day, H texted me later and told me he missed me so much and that we could be good together. I replied telling him to forget about me, that I know he confessed his love to my friend and he should focus on and take good care of her. He denied it all.

 

So now, he's just a plain prick. I don't want him to hurt my friend!! I really don't want that. She's so vulnerable.... she even told me after he confessed that she really wants to make it work and she's in love with him! Just few days ago, H texted me again and saying he missed me and wanted to see me. I didn't reply to that.

 

He is such a prick and my friend can't see that!