An emotional affair

[Kay]

Hi, again. The saga continues ... it seems that my former friend/OW has called off the trial (bu they still have the divorce papers in hand) and wants to "work on her marriage." Her husband is understandably doubtful as to her intentions but they are going to counseling. He still thinks too much damage has been done and has "moved on" in his head, but is willing to go to counseling mostly for the sake of their children. (10,16)

 

I wish I could say the same for my husband and I... I brought up the idea of counseling again. (only the second time) I really wanted to see whether counseling would help both of us decide whether or not we could find a way to better meet one another's needs and if, over time, our relationship would improve. I told him that I knew counseling might only make it more clear that maybe a divorce is the only option, but that I thought we owed it to ourselves to give it one last try.

 

Keep in mind, it's been TWO YEARS of living in the same house, living separate lives and sleeping apart!

 

His response to my suggestion of counseling? "I have no intention of going to counseling. I don't love you."

 

So, as soon as our house sells (almost a year on the market!!) I see no other option but to begin the process of a divorce. I am waiting for the house to sell because financially, we can't afford to maintain 2 homes.

 

Thoughts anyone? (Truthfully, I can hardly see through my tears as I type this) Kay

[NEONINK]

I once ended a marriage. And since then, I have replaced everything I lost, with better!

[try2breal]

Hey all,

 

My first post. Kay, have not read all responses in detail, but gotta say, Those than can do, those that can't, can't. Been through a couple of affairs with current husband, both physical and emotional.

 

Yes, there really is something that qualifies as an emotional affair. The most that I can tell you is that your situation is unique. It is not the same as anyone else's. You know what kind of relationship/life you've lived with your husband. You know how much you are capable of giving and how much he is capable of giving. Truth is, one or the other of you may not not be as able as the other, for whatever reason. Could be an abusive childhood, could be whatever. The fact remains that you have to deal with the situation as it stands.

 

I normally would not advise counseling, but have found it to be beneficial to me. Just talk about yourself and your feelings with a counselor that you have connected with. Find someone just for you. I think, from time to time, that it's not fair to my husband for me to discuss our relationship with someone who is just hearing just my side of the story. But, if he has a relationship with someone outside of your marriage that he discusses intimate information with, well then, you are taking the higher road.

 

Hard for me to talk about this. Take care of your self. Hope to hear from you. There is hope. It is within you.

 

 

Try2bfair

[Kay]

Sure could use some positive thoughts right now from all of you...

 

My Mom was rushed to the hospital and is in CICU awaiting another mitral valve replacement and triple bypass. Not doing too great, but I'm trying to be hopeful.

 

H is making sounds about divorce more than ever. Wonder if he's waiting now to see if my Mom makes it before he destroys the rest of his family by serving me papers.

 

How much more can I handle?

 

Sorry. I am not inviting you to my personal pity party. Just looking for good wishes and prayers from those of you who are so inclined.

 

Hope all of you (esp. Carly, Midori, Tony and others) are doing well. Kay

[midori]

Hi Kay,

 

I'm sorry about your mom. I suppose the test of a relationship is how it bears up under pressure. And it certainly looks like your marriage is not bearing up. I know that earlier I advocated the possibility that your husband just needed some space and the opportunity to feel like he could unburden himself of all of the obligations and sorrows that weigh him down.

 

And maybe that is true. But it sounds like it has passed the point where that's even possible, let alone tolerable or fair to you. I think you have seen the writing on the wall -- your husband's mumbles about divorce perhaps directed your attention to his indifferent message.

 

It sounds like you've done all you can, and more than you should have had to do, to preserve the marriage. That might be a small consolation, you can move forward knowing that you didn't just let it happen, you did your best to make it work. But you can't make your husband talk to you, you can't force him to stay in the marriage.

 

Seems to me like you've got a choice to make: face the inevitable, based on the signals that you've been receiving from your husband, that the marriage is over. Or wait on pins and needles for him to blatantly declare it to be so by handing you divorce papers.

 

My advice would be to seek out a good divorce lawyer, someone who's not afraid of an adversarial divorce should it come to that. Apprise him or her of the situation and tell them that you want to be ready for action once things with your mother stabilize. Your husband sounds like a very passive-aggressive type, so as things come to a head he may try to alleviate his guilt by pushing you, by being awful. Hopefully you can get through it without resorting to hostile tactics, but you probably ought to be prepared for it to go in that direction.

 

In the meantime you should focus on yourself and your needs. Your kids and your mom. Leave your husband to his own devices. Absolve yourself of the obligation to interact with him or to do anything to maintain the relationship. Get your own ducks in a row, and prepare yourself mentally for what lies ahead.

 

I'm sorry about all of it Kay. As you might recall I didn't initially think your marriage was doomed. But it doesn't look good and it's probably better to acknowledge that and act accordingly than to beat yourself up looking for a solution that doesn't exist.

 

Take care and keep us posted.

[Carly]

So terribly sorry, Kay, to hear about what appears to be the unstopable demise of your marriage. I've been away for a while, and at first I read your upbeat post about golfing and was so happy that things were looking up. Then read your next, heart-breaking post and I literally had a lump in my throat. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

 

Must say that I am in complete agreement with Midori's last post to you. (And Midori, I certainly WAS including myslef as a bickerer in an earlier comment. No offense intended to you.) Kay, you have given your best -- much more than what would be expected under the circumstances. It just sucks, as your kids might say (as my kids would say, anyway).

 

In reading your up-beat posts vs. your bad-news posts, I have noticed a pattern: when you were feeling good, your positive feelings were generated either from within you, or from your sisters, or your friends, or your great kids. As I recall, none of your "good news" posts were based on anything positive that you shared with your husband.

 

I'm pointing this out because I think that you have a lot more capacity for happiness WITHOUT your husband than you might know. I am betting that once all the dust settles and you are living life without him in a new home, you may actually enjoy life much more than you can imagine. And you might be surprised to learn down the road how much your children actually knoew all along, and how relieved they will be once their lives are settled with their two new homes -- each home equipped with a loving parent who wants the best for them yet couldn't provide the best for them while living under the same roof.

 

You probably are feeling depressed right now, and from time to time your depression may trick you into thinking that the future is bleaker than it really is. But the reality is that you are a good person, a caring mother, a close sister, and in line for a very fulfilling future.

 

Take good care. Keep us posted. Your honesty and sincerity of emotion are touching.