Marriage phobic. Why?

[Davey McG]

Hello everyone, this is my first post on these forums. I've been reading some of forums today and if anything they've made my marriage phobia a little worse - silly, no?

 

Let me give you some background. My significant other and myself have been together 5 and a half years. I am 25 and she is a year younger than me. We live together and I think she is fantastic. I love everything about her and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her.

 

However, she has recently been pressuring me to propose to her. We've been to a couple of weddings over the last few months and she wants to take our relationship to the next stage. She doesn't understand how or why I'm not ready for it. I don't know why, but the idea of going through with it terrifies me. I can't understand why as both my parents and hers have strong marriages and I want the rest of my life with her.

 

I have some stupid fear of marriage. Has anyone else experienced this or do they know what I'm talking about? She thinks that its because I'm not committed, but this really isn't the case. I've never thought that a marriage would strengthen or weaken a relationship.

 

Any clues?

[amaysngrace]

I've never thought that a marriage would strengthen or weaken a relationship.

 

 

Your mindset is what strengthens or weakens a relationship. If you want marriage it should be okay but if you don't really want to move forward and get married then it can be miserable for you and you in turn will make it miserable for her.

 

I suggest you do the pre-marital counseling before you do get married. This way you know just what you're getting yourself into before making that commitment. Make sure it's what you really want.

[Davey McG]

If its my mindset that makes or breaks a relationship, why do we need marriage?

 

I wouldn't object to being married, its just that getting married scares me.

[amaysngrace]

I wouldn't object to being married, its just that getting married scares me.

 

 

If getting married scares you then you will object to being married. I think lots of people tense up at the thought of getting married, that's what cold feet is all about.

 

What you have to figure out is how badly it scares you and why? Is it within the normal jitters most feel when thinking of the responsibility that marriage and starting a family brings or is it something else?

 

What about marriage scares you the most?

[Davey McG]

I don't know what I'm most afraid of but i don't like the thought of the traditional ceremony. I've been to a few and they seem so forced (in my opinion). I wouldn't feel like I was being myself - I would also feel a hypocrite doing it in the house of a god I don't believe in.

 

Do we have to invite those relatives I've always hoped I would never see again?

 

She's from a very traditional Catholic family and I know her relatives would interfere to the point that it wouldn't be about us or what we wanted. They'd definitely emotionally blackmail her into doing that sort of big traditional ceremony (she's not religious either and her family are well-meaning but don't listen to her/think they know whats best).

 

3 out of 4 of her group of friends who'd she'd always wanted as her bridesmaids since she was little have made it clear that they don't like me - not comforting on such a nerve-wrecking day.

 

Flowers, table planning (X recently broke up with Y so we can't sit them together/ we can't let mad Uncle Racist sit with Cousin Jamal from Somalia), menus, what dresses are the bridesmaids going to wear? What type of flowers? which church, which hymns, what prayers, will the service be in Latin/Polish or English? Dancing lessons, crazy grandmother who distrusts catholics (on my side of the family), reception, DJ or band, venue for reception, oh and how are we going to pay for the wedding and honeymoon?

 

I'm stressing myself out just writing about it and to be honest, at the moment I would struggle to afford a decent engagement ring. The most annoying thing is she's not even that bothered if we have a big wedding but her family seem to have their heart set on it.

 

So its not the idea of being married but rather the whole process, which I think is a unnecessarily stressful thing. I wish it could be simpler

[Lezbean]

IF you want it simple, then get married on a beach in Hawaii. Or at a chapel in Vegas. Really a wedding is just about the couple. If she wants to marry you that bad, then she should be fine with a small simple ceremony.

[stillafool]

If your gf has 4 girls she's had in mind for bridesmaids since she was a little girl she definitely wants a wedding. I can't blame you for not wanting one. It's just not worth the stress. I say just get married and spend your money on a nice honeymoon which will be so much more memorable. You get so caught up in saying hello to everyone and the pictures you hardly have time to enjoy yourself. Plus your face starts hurting from smiling so much. Half the people at large weddings you never see again and when you look back at the pictures in 10 years you'll be surprised at how many people you don't even remember their names.

[norajane]

Well, you need to make it crystal clear to her that you are not afraid of being married to her and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her BUT you hate the thought of a big wedding and all the preparation and hoopla. You HAVE to make this clear to her because it's a HUGELY important difference between what you are thinking and what she is thinking - she's thinking you don't want to be married to HER when your problem is the wedding itself and whether you can afford the ring, the reception, and the honeymoon.

 

Talk to her openly and honestly about the specific wedding issues you have, so she KNOWS what you are thinking and doesn't continue to believe you are hesitant about the relationship. Again, this is a HUGELY important difference.

 

Next, dude, it's one day...you'll manage. Yes, there's a lot of preparation, but she and her family will take it on. Figure out what you can afford and tell her you have to stick to the budget because you can't afford anything else. Suggest an alternative and see if she's willing to do something smaller and less expensive now, and maybe have a big celebration on your 5th wedding anniversary.

[amaysngrace]

Yeah I guess from what you say you aren't marriage phobic, you're wedding-phobic!

[Davey McG]

Hello.

 

Thanks for all the advice. amaysngrace, you're right. I'm wedding-phobic, not marriage phobic.

 

Norajane, I think you're right and I guess her thinking its her and not the big scary ceremony that's causing me to be hesitant.

 

Stillafool, YES! This is the point. A friend who got married a year and a half ago doesn't remember half the people in her wedding photos already.

 

Lezbean, good piece of advice. I'm going to see how she feels about a small (but tasteful) wedding. I would love to be married outside and if it was a small wedding we could afford to have it somewhere nice where rain isn't almost certain (we're English). I guess I've always assumed weddings have to be try and be big, but it isn't really necessary.

 

Thank you for all your helpful advice.

[mental_traveller]

Why not just tell her these concerns you've told us? If you are happy to be married to her, but just hate the idea of a religious church wedding filled with hateful interfering relatives, then just say so (in more polite terms!) and explain why you don't want it.

[BentSpine]

You show your dedication to your relationship by the day in day out actions. Not by making promises during one day.

 

I definitely think you should wait with any marriage until your partner is secure enough in herself so that she can tell anyone who interferes with your relationship to accept your joint decision or they can stuff it.

 

If neither of you are religous, then marrying in town hall instead of in church sounds like the honest thing to do if marrying is going to happen.

[Lizzie60]

I never got married and never will...it's a big waste of energy and money...

 

plus nowadays it's : 'till death do us part or 5 years, whatever comes first'...so my advice ... don't get married...it's only a piece of paper that will give you a lot of hassles later...

[katiebour]

Davey,

 

Do you want to marry her? Wedding stuff aside, would you like to be her husband and have her for your wife?

 

If the answer to that question is yes, then elope. Go to city hall or Vegas or (since you're British) Gretna Green or whatever. Tell her that you'd love to marry her but that you don't want a wedding. If she's that anxious to be married to you (and after 5 1/2 years, who wouldn't be?) then the wedding is not such a big deal. After all, it's the rest of your married lives that are important, not one single day. Save money on a wedding for a downpayment on a house.

 

My sister and her husband eloped to Vegas. My parents were disappointed at the time. However, my brother just got married a few months back... His now-wife and her family pushed for a huge wedding hoopla- they were looking at places for the wedding and thinking, "Well, we can spend about $25,000 on location." Keep in mind my brother is not rich, neither is his wife or her family. My parents have done well for themselves but they're not made of money either. Of course, the wife and her family were expecting MY family to foot the bill.

 

My parents put their foot down and said they'd contribute $2,000 to the wedding. That to me is still a ridiculous sum and about $1800 more than I'd want to spend.

 

I think looking back on it my parents preferred my sister's method of marriage to my brother's.

[anewme]

I am divorced and scared ****less about getting married again. There's a lot of what if it doesn't work out? what if you wake up one day and leave? what if i wake up one day and leave? what if i can't love? it's interesting because i have a wonderful boyfriend who i want in my life and want to bear his children and get old with him, but when he starts talking marriage i high tail it out of the room. to me, a wedding is different than what it means to be married. besides, i bet the two of you are married by default anyway, especially if you live together. Having been married before, it's not that different than what you are already doing....even if you were to break up, moving out would be terrible and difficult and costly, families would be upset, etc. all the stuff you'd get with a divorce.

 

Remember that NOTHING in this life is permanent. If, in 10 years, you don't love one another, then you divorce. Yes, it's bad, but so is just breaking up. It is important to know WHY you don't want to get married. There are things such as cold feet, but there is also the idea of you not being able to visualize yourself with this person. For example, I can see myself having my man's baby, but the thought of wearing an engagement ring makes me queasy. go figure.

[BentSpine]

I won't give my word to stay with a person forever, whatever happens, when I am at the same time absolutely certain that I wouldn't stay if my needs aren't met for an extended time. My word means a lot to me.

 

 

Bait and switch: There are people who want the status of wife/husband mother/father so badly that they can, until marriage, overlook incompatable character traits in their partner. But being married to a bait-&-switcher can make Ike and Tina Turner's relationship seem like a romance novel.

 

So it seems worthwhile to stay away from a bait-and-switcher. The trouble is that it's hard to spot one before tying the knot. Simply asking "Are you a bait-and-switcher?" won't give you a reliable answer since answering truthfully will likely prevent the bait-and-switcher to get what he/she really wants: Marriage/Babies/Money. Remember, YOU are not the big prize for the bait-and-switcher. Only having the priviledge to be with you, without marriage, wouldn't be enough for a bait-and-switcher.

 

Waiting ten years before marriage could be a way to weed out bait-and-switchers. They would probably not be able to keep up their act for that long.

[Davey McG]

Thanks for all the responses.

 

I have spoken to her about my concerns and she says she understands. She just seems worried why I haven't asked yet but at least hasn't given me an ultimatum (something common in the marriage/getting engaged forums).

 

I do want to marry her and am still a little scared for various reasons, many of which are described in these forums (anewme, I feel a little like you). I don't think she's a bait and switcher type. I think she wants to make it formal and she says she understands things won't really change after marriage.

 

We've been living together for a year and a halfand been together for 5 and a half years so really it would be a formalisation. Katiebour, Gretna Green was something we've been discussing and could be fun!

 

I guess there is no guarantee that it'll last forever but that I shouldn't be scared of it going wrong as it would be silly to not marry because you're scared it might not work.

[norajane]

I guess there is no guarantee that it'll last forever but that I shouldn't be scared of it going wrong as it would be silly to not marry because you're scared it might not work.

 

If you have some fears about being married (and not just the wedding stuff you've mentioned), you should talk to her about them. It may help allay your fears if you realize that both of you have the same concept and plans for what your married life will be like.

 

For example, discuss how you will handle finances (jointly, separately, some of both?), where you will want to live and what kind of lifestyle (what are your expectations for vacations, cars, involvement with family, social life and going out, etc.), children (when and how many), religion and how you will raise your children, will she work after having kids or be a stay at home mom, how you will handle conflicts after you are married (and you will have conflicts, which will be manageable as long as you agree on how you will approach each other when you disagree and are angry with each other), how you will make important decisions together.

 

Talk to her about all this stuff - when you get married, you're playing on the same team. Make her a part of the team and share your thoughts on the gameplan.

[Trialbyfire]

Btw Davey, in a traditional wedding, tell her that the bride's family has to pay for the wedding and the groom's family pays for the alcohol. See if this doesn't help to stifle her need for a big wedding...

 

-edit: There are more costs that the bride's family need to rack up, like the bridal gown, the bridesmaids dresses, etc.

[anewme]

Okay, so you feel like me a little bit...and I'm a little crazy and just got off the phone telling my boyfriend that I must be Jewish or Catholic or something because I feel guilty about having a wedding. I don't want the attention, or the headaches (since I've already had one) then there's the whole thing with the fact my mom is nuts.

 

Like I said, there are many reasons not to marry. But if they have nothing to do with the person, or how you feel about that person, get over it. I bet you feel you could be the mayor of Doomsville with all of your worrying, wondering if this is going to work, what if things head south quickly.....well, you'll never know if you don't try. I am scared of doing most things that involve taking a next step. Because I've been to Doomsville and that place sucks. But I figure, everything works out in the end, right? Or you die. Which I guess is working out in a way. So I just have faith in my man, and he tells me everything will be fine and that he loves my crazy ass. I mean, how could I not marry that?