Ex acting Passive Aggressively

[heartoutside]

My story is on going in the current thread To break NC?, but I have a new question that has come up in this situation. I can no longer turn to my close friends who live here because they've all demonstrated that they can't keep anything to themselves.

But my question is this. When we first broke up or too our space (which is what it still has been left at, no real reason for taking space), I went on vacation for 10 days, and while I was gone, my ex told me she would have all her stuff out before I got back. She also said that she had made a mess and that she would clean it up, she didn't. Also, stuff she didn't want, she just left on the floor expecting me to take care of it (either trash it or donate it). I got back, and 60% or so was gone, but there was still stuff all over the house. Basically she went from from to room and just quickly put stuff in boxes, evan taking some of my baby pictures in the process. I called her to ask how the move went and she said fine and that she would be back for the rest of the stuff before she had to legally be out. That was 3 weeks ago.

I just returned from another vacation, only this one gave me more space because she couldn't text or call me (but she still wrote me via myspace!). In her message she said she would have all her stuff out the next day. That was yesterday, and I returned today to find that she didn't take anything. Infact she even came to my place, got her mail, trashed her junk mail, drink 2 of my beers out my fridge and from the looks of it, took 3 or 4 of my cds for a party she's having tonight (but I'm not 100% on that one).

Anyway, my brother says this passive aggressive behavior on her part. That she's creating confrontation by doing nothing, my gut doesn't think so. But then again who knows......

But I'm not sure what to do.? It's not a lot of stuff, 2 bigger boxes of crap and then some stuff in the basement which is space I don't need or use anyway. She knows I have a new roommate moving in on the 7th, and she knows she no longer can legally have the keys or her stuff here.

 

Should I call her and nicely say that I need her to get her stuff out? Should I ask her why she hasn't gotten it out when she's had a month to get it out, 2 of the weeks? (I wasn't even here so she didn't have to fear my being here!) Should I just leave it in the basement and continue NC?

 

I would like to think this is passive aggressive behavior, but it almost seems like insanity. I have all her pictures that's shes taken from the last 4 years on my computer, she hasn't once asked for those. She did say that while I was gone she would burn them to a CD....But I think i told her that she could keep them on there for now. But that was 4 weeks ago!

 

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Read this very open and wise lady's posts starting with this one:

Hi Confuzd.

Click on the white arrow in the blue square to see the post.

[Woggle]

Pack it all up in boxes and tell her she has a week to pick it up.

[heartoutside]

I'm not too sure how the post by lysne relates to me? We aren't married, I'm just lost as to why she's acting this way, and why she can't get her stuff out my apartment!

[corazoncito]

She doesn't want the relationship to be over.

 

It's not a lot of stuff. Pack it up and drop it off at her place. Ask for your key back when you give her the boxes. This isn't breaking NC, as long as you keep it short and sweet.

 

If she won't give the key back the first time you ask, just change the lock.

[heartoutside]

Well, my landlord called this morning about the new lease and asked if I had gotten the keys back from ex and if she has gotten her stuff out. I told him no, so I had no and he said he would call my ex.

 

So I decide to call her. I left a message telling her it wasn't anything personal, but my new roommate is moving in and he needs the space and the keys. I didn't say anything personal or ask how she was.

 

Then about 30 mins later she calls, and is instantly on the defense. Sarcasticly saying it was real nice of me to have my landlord call her. And I told her I didn't tell him to call, he had to call you for legal reasons. I then proceded to tell her that this wasn't anything personal, it just a matter of my roommate is moving in, and she doesn't live her, simple as 1,2,3. But she gets totally pissed off. Asking why she just can't keep the stuff thats in the basement there for now, and I almost caved in, but I told her once again that she doesn't live here. And she got more and more pissed off. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about and she said no, I don't want to talk. Is there anything you want to talk about? And I could have just spilled my guts and said, yes! I love you, can't you see you're acting insane!?!" but i didn't.

 

She just got more and more angry as the conversation went on. I wasn't doing anything to make her angry either. She just didn't seem to understand why she had to get her stuff out, and I just kept saying it's not personal you just don't live here. And I told her I wasn't trying to piss her off, that she knows me better then that. And she replied, I guess i don't. I tried making it better by asking how her party went last night and she said it was fun and I said good, I'm glad. But then just brought it back to the stuff again. There was a lot of silence as well. She never really broke it either.

 

It's funny, right now I'm not really feeling hurt that we broke up, but I am hating that she is acting so negative and feels like I"m pissing her off. This isn't the girl I've know for 4+ years. She's a totally different person right now. She's even changed from the person she was in the weeks following our break up. Then she wanted to hang out, be friends (even though she asked for space) and she kept send me text messages. She would call every so often and talk. Now, she's got this kid she's hanging out with who she says she isn't dating, but the kid thinks they are dating.

It's a mess. And I'm not doing anything to make it worse, but every little thing I do do, some how is getting thrown back in my face.

 

 

I've been probably the nicest person during this whole thing. If anything too nice. I would never do anything to hurt her, even though she seems to think I am. And she is surely doing everything to make this drag as long as possible.

 

What do I do?!?!

[corazoncito]

Maybe this doesn't seem like much comfort right now (but I promise someday it will be), but her drama isn't your problem anymore.

 

Who knows why she's doing what she's doing? You don't have to spend your time, energy, and emotions trying to figure it out. You did the right thing by telling her that it's nothing personal, she just doesn't live there anymore so has to get her stuff out.

 

Take charge and don't let her manipulate you anymore. Just pack the stuff up, drop it off with her or a friend of hers, and then continue NC with her.

 

IMO, she's having a "grown up" temper tantrum, and the more attention you give her, the longer she'll go on. Ignore her and focus on your life.

[frd150]

Maybe this doesn't seem like much comfort right now (but I promise someday it will be), but her drama isn't your problem anymore.

 

Who knows why she's doing what she's doing? You don't have to spend your time, energy, and emotions trying to figure it out. You did the right thing by telling her that it's nothing personal, she just doesn't live there anymore so has to get her stuff out.

 

Take charge and don't let her manipulate you anymore. Just pack the stuff up, drop it off with her or a friend of hers, and then continue NC with her.

 

IMO, she's having a "grown up" temper tantrum, and the more attention you give her, the longer she'll go on. Ignore her and focus on your life.

 

 

Heart you know i know your story. Sho her what its like when your truly gone. Its gonna be hard but it will lesson her hold on you.

 

I feel for you man. I truly understand. Believe me.

[heartoutside]

So after I get off the phone with the ex this morning and listen to her go nutz on me, my landlord comes by and I guess now he has to confront her because she won't return his calls and from a legal standpoint he has to make sure that she doesn't have keys, or stuff in the house. I can understand his view.

 

But after the conversation, I figured that was it. She was done, wouldn't call me or have anything to do with me and I would probably run into her in about 3 weeks or something. So I go out, do my errands, replace the stuff she took that was ours and I get back....and she sends me a text, can we talk? I haven't replied. She then calls the house phone.....

I'm at a wall here. I don't konw what to do....I want to call her back, but who knows what she'll say. I don't want to call he back right away.....but I don't want to wait for ever.......ugh....

[frd150]

So after I get off the phone with the ex this morning and listen to her go nutz on me, my landlord comes by and I guess now he has to confront her because she won't return his calls and from a legal standpoint he has to make sure that she doesn't have keys, or stuff in the house. I can understand his view.

 

But after the conversation, I figured that was it. She was done, wouldn't call me or have anything to do with me and I would probably run into her in about 3 weeks or something. So I go out, do my errands, replace the stuff she took that was ours and I get back....and she sends me a text, can we talk? I haven't replied. She then calls the house phone.....

I'm at a wall here. I don't konw what to do....I want to call her back, but who knows what she'll say. I don't want to call he back right away.....but I don't want to wait for ever.......ugh....

 

 

Call her back. You have buisness to discuss. Keep it at that on your end. If she wants to bring up the relationship then let her but its up to you wether or not you want to discuss it.

[heartoutside]

I waited a little while. I actually had to run out of the house and get some stuff done, so I waited until I got back to send her a text saying sure. It was about 2 and a half hours. She didn't reply right away so I called and got 3 rings and I know she silenced her phone because it went to voice mail so quick.

So do I text her again asking if she still wants to talk? She didn't want to talk on the phone earlier this morning and I honestly felt she wouldn't want to talk for a long time. There wasn't anything to resolve, our friend is coming over tonight and we'll load all her stuff up in his car and he'll get the keys. So there isn't any business to discuss.

[corazoncito]

No, don't call her. The ball is in her court now.

 

A mature person would call you and just talk to you about what was on her mind. Don't play her game. So far, you've given up control to her in every interaction.

 

What do you want? If it's to talk to her, well, you tried. You called and got her voice mail. Now it's up to her to call you back.

 

While she's trying to figure out what she wants, move on with your life. Don't worry about what she feels or wants or is doing. Every moment you spend thinking about her is a moment lost from your future.

[frd150]

I waited a little while. I actually had to run out of the house and get some stuff done, so I waited until I got back to send her a text saying sure. It was about 2 and a half hours. She didn't reply right away so I called and got 3 rings and I know she silenced her phone because it went to voice mail so quick.

So do I text her again asking if she still wants to talk? She didn't want to talk on the phone earlier this morning and I honestly felt she wouldn't want to talk for a long time. There wasn't anything to resolve, our friend is coming over tonight and we'll load all her stuff up in his car and he'll get the keys. So there isn't any business to discuss.

 

 

A good alternative.

 

Listen i do not care how she feels. I with you man. We are rowing in the same boat.

 

My point was that you needed to get the business end of things handled. You do not need to jepordize your lease over her nor inconvience your new roomate.

 

Better that it went this way instead.

[heartoutside]

I tell ya what, that text message/phone call is like a hook. I've seen people on here talk about stuff like that, but you don't know until it happens. I seriously thought that I wouldn't hear a word from her for a long long time. And it felt good actually, cuz I thought (for about 5 hours) that maybe I can finally get some space, but nope.

 

Luckly for me, I'm in a good place. It's funny looking back on this past month (it's only been a little over a month, seems like it's been 6 months). I can remember how the hurt and the heart ache felt. But by seeing how my ex has been acting (which isn't like herself at all) these past couple weeks has actually helped me realize a few things. One, she nutz and doesn't have a clue what she is doing, two, I'm a good person and I have good friends and I know this has nothing to do with me or love. The other thing that really helps is knowing that my career can be what I want it to be. And if anything good comes out this, it will be that my career and my attitude towards it are totally different and much more dedicated.

[heartoutside]

Frd150, you were right........it was about business, I think?

 

Last night I decided to go to bed early, needed to catch up on some sleep from my trip. About 10:30 or so the phone rings and it's my ex. I stand there trying to decide if I should pick it up. I do. She sounds better, she greets me with how are you and I say fine and ask her the same thing. She says shes feeling better then she was when we talked earlier in the day. I"m not sure if that was her way of apologizing or what for being so pissie. She then asked if I had talked to our friend about getting her stuff out, even though she already knew the answer. And then she asked me if she could just leave my keys at our work (which I hardly work at anymore). I asked why she couldn't just give them to our friend and she said because she wouldn't be here. I didn't ask where she was going. Then there was some silence and she said ok, well I'll talk to you later. And I asked, is that all you wanted to talk about? and she replied, is there something you want to talk about? and I simply replied, nope. She said ok, and I said I would talk to you later and she hung up.

 

Needless to say I couldn't get to sleep for another 2 hours. It sucks, becuase after we talked yesterday morning, I kind of wasn't liking her because of the way she talked to me. And then she hooks me back in with this crap.

 

Then I get up this morning and i turn my computer on, which automatically logs on to MSN and my ex wants to add me as a contact or a chat buddie. What the hell. She knows I use MSN all the time to talk to my brother. What is she doing?!?

 

I also feel like I may have messed things up a little when she asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about and I said nope. I know she has to be the one to bring it up, but maybe I should have said something. Am I wrong, would any of you had said something? Like I miss you? It seemed like an inviation. I'm really bad with talking on the fly. My emotions always get the best of me, so when I try to cover them up, I really cover them up. I just don't know when I can let my true colors show. She knows how I feel, but I don't want her to think I've lost hope.

 

I think half the reason she got pissed off at me yesterday morning was because when she called, I answered and said hey what's up, just acting friendly and laid back. And instantly, she got pissed off and said what's your deal?! And I stepped back a little and said what do you mean, and it was all down hill from there.

 

So basically, when it comes to talking to her on the phone, I either play the laid back card to thick, or I play the I love you, I miss you card too thick (I haven't done that in 3 or 4 weeks though). I rarelly just have a good conversation, which I know is important. I just don't know how to get that happy medium.

 

OK, then I checked her myspace page (I KNOW..I KNOW..) it's the only window I have to what she is feeling. Before I went to sleep last night, her mood was chipper, now it's confused and she's changed her song to man who sold the world covered by Jordis. She's this chick from the Rock Star INXS show that she and I watched together all the time.

 

And the guy she was hanging around with, his mood is crushed.......

 

 

 

Ugh, what do I do.....I want to change my song to something that I know she'll understand, but then again....she's confused....I dont' know what to do......

[upsetnhurt]

heartoutside,

 

How old are? What is up with these songs and levels of friendship on myspace? Do you really think they provide any indication of how someone feels about you? So if you are moved down a level that means she thinks less of you and if she changes her song that means she isnt thinking about you the same way????? I don't understand and think it is all hogwash.....

 

I started reading your past posts and I said to myself, man this guy has done a 180....in that you sounded like you were starting to get your head screwed on straight and seeing her for who she is. You even said she was a NUT that treats you bad with little respect! So let me ask you this heartoutside, why are you still talking with her? Get the freakin key and never speak to her again. You ask her if there is anything else to talk about, why? Is there anything else to talk about on your end??? I thought you realized she is crap....so you are telling me that you still want to be with crap? Remember.....she constantly is showing you disrespect, are you really going to be able to take her back and love her the way you should all while knowing she could care less about you? And this other guy being crushed.....who are we kidding, he couldnt care less. All he is doing is probably getting to sleep with her at night.

[heartoutside]

That's a good opinion. But I never said she was crap, I love her and always will have a special place for her in my heart for her. I think we can all safely say love makes people do stupid things, good or bad and sometimes we'll never know the reasons. I know my ex has a tremendous amount of issues when it comes to the people she loves, and her way of dealing with it is to push it away until she can handle it. She's done it with her father time and time again (but he's a whole nother issue, always relapsing)

 

And before you are so quick to judge I know my ex, and I know the whole myspace thing is tremendously stupid, take it from me. I'm not teasing myself about this other guy either, if she's sleeping with him fine. We're not a couple she can do what she wants. But I don't know anything, all I know is what I've been told from others and that's all I'm going on. That she doesn't think she's dating the guy, and he thinks they are. Who the hell knows what that means.......

 

As for there being anything else to talk about....there's always going to be something else to talk about, why, because there is no closure. There is always going to be that question mark, until 1 of 2 things happens. She answers it, or I'm in a good enough place to move on totally.

 

I'm doing what's right for me, I'm focusing on my career, I'm hanging out with my friends more then I have in years, and I'm trying to enjoy life. I really can't complain. I'm not calling her all the time, or sending her texts. I haven't done that in weeks.

 

Every story and every situation is different, as is how one should handle it.

[SierraMarie]

Okay, if you want my opinion...

 

I think she's just having a hard time detaching herself from you and the relationship and that's why she's acting like that. I think she's confused and sometimes wants to be back with you and other times realizes you guys shouldn't be together.

 

If you really think it's best if you guys shouldn't be together and you know deep down that that is what's right, then you shouldn't talk about the relationship anymore. And after this whole moving out thing is over you probably shouldn't talk to her anymore or have any contact.

 

It sounds like to me that the relationship is over, but that's really up to you. Why did you two break up anyway, if you don't mind me asking?

[heartoutside]

That's the thing, she never ever said there was a reason. We were perfect and talking about getting married, until one day out of the blue she said I need some space and time, I'm really confused. I've talked about it already in my other posts. But there was no reason, I actually forced her to say we are breaking up, I forced her to decide right then and there when she sat me down and first told me.

 

The only reason we aren't together is because of her messed up past and her fear of my leaving her, but that's just my opinion.

[SierraMarie]

I'm sorry, that must be really tough

 

Well, the best thing I can tell you is give her some space and time and have some for yourself too. She's already moved out and you have a new roomate, anyway.

 

She's obviusly confused and doesn't know what she wants.

 

I think you should tell her it's best if you two don't talk for a while, maybe? I really think that would be the best thing for you right now.

 

If you two are meant to be together, then you will be. Don't worry about it.

[heartoutside]

Yeah, that's basically where I'm heading, and what I'm doing....I know she's very confussed, she had to grow up really quick (lived on her own since she was 14-15) so I don't expect her to handle this in the most level headed way or even sane way. She needs help, my counsler even said she needs it badly. But there's nothing I can do expect focus on myself. I think as long as I know that I'll be fine.

[sb129]

Okay, if you want my opinion...

 

I think she's just having a hard time detaching herself from you and the relationship and that's why she's acting like that. I think she's confused and sometimes wants to be back with you and other times realizes you guys shouldn't be together.

 

If you really think it's best if you guys shouldn't be together and you know deep down that that is what's right, then you shouldn't talk about the relationship anymore. And after this whole moving out thing is over you probably shouldn't talk to her anymore or have any contact.

 

It sounds like to me that the relationship is over.

 

I agree with SierraMarie. It sounds like your ex is wanting to retain a little bit of the power, and also a little bit of a connection to you.

I think alot of it will be down to guilt and/ or indecision on her part.

If she is being so indecisive, then its up to you to instigate NC and stick to it. She dumped you, but that doesn't give her the automatic right to yo-yo back and forth and mess you around.

 

You need to get on with your life, and being MSN buddies with her will not help that. Maybe she requested that you be buddies because she is feeling guilty, but to truly get over someone, you need NC for at least a few months after the breakup.

 

YOU need to maintain NC, so if that means taking the stuff round to her house, then so be it. At least then you will know it is done, and she will have no excuse to call you, so you can ignore her calls.

The landlord doesn't care about your personal circumstances, all he wants is reliable tenants and the rent paid on time, so as you are still his tenant, you need to maintain a good relationship with him, and if he wants to call your ex, then that is his prerogative.

 

I know that its tough, but NC really is the best way you can get over her at this point in time. Her calling you is doing you no good, and as long as some of her stuff is in your flat, then she has a legitimate excuse to contact you.

 

Get tough, ignore her, and move on with your life.

 

 

That's the thing, she never ever said there was a reason. We were perfect and talking about getting married, until one day out of the blue she said I need some space and time, I'm really confused. I've talked about it already in my other posts. But there was no reason, I actually forced her to say we are breaking up, I forced her to decide right then and there when she sat me down and first told me.

 

The only reason we aren't together is because of her messed up past and her fear of my leaving her, but that's just my opinion.

If anyone who was supposedly that into me dumped me because they wanted "space" out of the blue, it would be an instant sign that they weren't the person I thought they were, and that they weren't the right person for me.

If you really love someone and have a good relationship, then you shouldn't need "space" in the form of a breakup.

[frd150]

Heart,

 

Theres some good advice here. Im even paying attention.

 

 

Is her stuff gone yet??

[heartoutside]

Well yesterday, our mutual friend came over to grab the rest of my ex's stuff....Not all of it would fit in his car, and I felt bad that he would have to carry it all into his place (that's right, she's not even taking it to her new place) so I load some stuff up in my car and head out. About 5 blks from my house, my car breaks down!

It's funny though. For some reason, I really didn't care. My friend was like man I'm surprised how well you're taking this. If my car broke down like that going through what you're going through I would have been breaking windows and gone off the deep end.

Sure I was stressed, and mad, but what can I do? Now I'm thinking our friend has surely told her that my car broke down while taking her things over to his house, and I would think she would want to thank me, but then again, why would she?

 

Today has been an odd day. I'm still having some real trouble letting go of the fact that she may come back. I know I need to move on, and through out the day I have moments of clarity, but then I have moments where I'm just lost again....back and forth, back and forth. I find myself saying aloud, "she's gone, you're not a couple" now and then. I find myself looking at every good looking women and thinking, how can I get her to date me, or I can never get a girl as beautiful as my ex or as her. But I guess if it happened once it can happen again....maybe?

[Chinook]

But I guess if it happened once it can happen again....maybe?

Absolutely!

 

As for your ex. I'm glad her stuff is gone. I'm gonna be harsh here though. Quit this thinking she's coming back. She isn't coming back and you know it. You guys are done and you have to take care of yourself now. Now, make sure you read this thread.