An Update on Me...in case you were curious

[Antha]

My husband and I divorced on March 5th, two days before my 26th birthday. To me, it wasn't depressing -- that was my birthday present.

 

I met a man online in December, talked to him on the phone every night until our first date. I had gone on 3-4 dates with other men, but none struck me as very interesting, but I wanted to go out and have a good time. I met this man we'll call R and was impressed right from the start.

 

R comes from a similar situation as mine. He was (and still is) in the process of divorce and has 4 wonderful children (ages 9, 8, 3, 2). His ex is a horrible woman and makes my ex-H look good. At first we were just companions, like trading war stories. I was attracted to him from the first time I laid eyes on him and I felt like I knew him from our long conversations on the phone. I met him in person and we just click-click-clicked.

 

Now it has been 6+ months of dating R and I am in love with him. We were both clear in the beginning that we are not interested in getting married or having more children and are still at that point. He lives at his house (45 minutes away) and I live in my townhouse with my daughter.

 

I have met his children and he's met my girl. His kids (for whatever reason) really like me and always want to know when they'll see me again. I find them adorable, if a lot louder than I'm used to. Four kids is a lot different than just one, but they are all so special in their own ways and they seem to see that I make their dad really happy.

 

My daughter has met R. She knows who her dad is and doesn't confuse R with her dad. She thinks of R as a friend of hers. She's two, but trust me, this little girl is amazingly smart and clever. R treats my D as he would want his STBXW's boyfriend to treat his kids -- not crossing any boundaries, not trying to plug himself into the role of father, etc.

 

I still work at the same job I did and I'm still happy with it, though since most school districts don't get funding for the summer, I had to get a second job at Burger King to help make up the difference. Still, my D and I have survived, there is always food in the refrigerator, and my mom and sister S have bought her a truckload of new things every time we visit. We always make it through.

 

Let's see...the ex-H and I put in our support our that he'll get 14 days a month with her, but that it shall not have any bearing on custody or child support. Recently, the child support was reduced because he claimed he gets direct deposit and doesn't get a pay stub. The evaluator was a guy (no offense, but I knew he was on ex-H's side the minute I walked into the room and the evaluator snapped at me for trying to move my seat closer to hear better). He accepted what the ladies in ex-H's office printed up for him as evidence of his income. I let it go because I figured the in-fighting would cool down. A loss of $160 a month is hard...but I thought it would be worth it if ex-H would stop trying to cause trouble. It has quieted him down a bit, but he still tries to control and manipulate me.

 

Mostly, I do not see nor speak with the ex-H and I am extremely happy with that. We communicate through Myspace and talk on the cell only if its time-sensitive issue. R can always tell when I've talked with ex-H recently, though. I barely think about the man if I haven't talked to him or seen him. I'm always agitated after having contact with ex-H. The only time we get along is when he wants something.

 

Honestly, I don't think its difficult to get along with anybody, so long as BOTH people are trying to get along. Ex-H, in his twisted mind, is still obsessed with me. He is still bothered by the fact that I "dumped him twice"...meaning /I/ rejected him. It ruffles his feathers greatly also that I live in a very nice townhouse in a very nice neighborhood (with a great school district--award winning) and have a good job, and...well, basically, my life is so great while his life is utter crap and he knows it. It seems to bother him that he thought I would be so bad off without him...and I've done nothing but succeed and become happy. Its a good feeling to know that he's living in a trailer with B (the girl he cheated with) and will not be able to improve his life. I love that I showed him just how great life would be for me without him. I know damn well...it drives him nuts. The phrase "The best revenge is to live a good life" comes to mind.

 

My daughter is still ever so wonderful. She's very well-behaved for a two year old. Instead of throwing tantrums, she does seem to realize that making cute faces at me is more likely to net her what she wants. Still, I'm very proud of how much she has learned and what an awesome personality she has. She knows how to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star", the Alphabet Song, "Happy Birthday to You" and "Rockabye Baby". She knows most of her shapes, colors, and numbers.

 

For some reason, she refers to herself in the third person. I think its because Elmo on Sesame Street always does this. She loves SS and Disney Princesses. Thank goodness its not Bratz, right?

 

For the most part, my life is very un-dramatic (is that a word?) and calm. I'm content with my relationship with R. He makes me very happy and he shows me every day that he appreciates me and how lucky he is to have me. He says he just doesn't get why a wonderful, beautiful girl like me would be interested in him. I enjoy giving him a laundry list of why. I wish he could see himself through my eyes, but his STBXW really did a number on his confidence. He has done a number on my confidence, but in a good way. He makes me feel sexy as hell, intelligent, funny, and wonderful.

 

I have no plans to change our situation. Because he lives 45 minutes away, we have built in "space". I like living alone and not having to clean up after anybody else. I like the independence I have now. R is willing to drive all the way here at least 4 days a week...whereas my ex-H would be GONE 4-5 days a week. I ask R why he's willing to drive that amount to see me. He says I'm "more than worth the drive" and continues to come see me. I have been "forbidden" by my mother and R to not drive my car to his town, as mine is an unreliable junker and I broke down the one time I went out to see him.

 

Anyway...what else? Is there anything else? Umm...when my D is not with me, I get "me" time where I read or watch television or hang out with a friend. I miss D a lot when she's gone and wish I hadn't agreed to giving him extra time. I have to close her bedroom door because it gives me pangs of sadness.

 

One thing I never expected from all this...my mother and I have a much better relationship now. We didn't get along the best before (or rather, I had a lot of resentment for her lack of raising me). Now, its like we've been bonded because she knew what its like to be in an abusive relationship (her first husband actually physically abused her, not just psychologically abused her like my ex-H did). I think we've bonded because me and my D lived with her for 6 months during the divorce and she relates to me as a mom and has seen that I'm a really good mom with her own eyes. So, I'm really happy with that.

 

I feel guilty taking pleasure in this...but I can tell my daughter is my mom's favorite grandchild. Every week she's bought the girl something new, she always wants to hear about what she's doing and what's she learned and really takes such an interest in her. She didn't really do that as much with her other grandchildren (she has 7 other grandchildren). Maybe its because she got to know my d so much better during the time we lived with her. While I went to school, my mom watched my d.

 

I make a point to visit my mom and my sister S (they live together) at least once a week, sometimes twice. My mom really misses being able to see my d as much. I live about 15 minutes away from my mom but don't go there every day. I've been jokingly told that I'm "not allowed to come inside the house unless I come bearing baby". I don't know, it just feels really good that other people seem to love and like her almost as much as I do. My daughter LOVES my mom and my sister S (she's her favorite aunt). My sister (I have 6 sisters, 7 brothers) S has the relationship with my d that I had hoped for. My daughter just ADORES her and vice versa.

 

Basically, I feel pretty damned lucky. I may have gave up on my marriage, but I had the strength to end a very damagain relationship. Ex-H still gets on my nerves and tries to pull crap in little ways because he knows he doesn't have a trump card and its all he can do. My family (and R) keep me sane.

 

My sisters and my mom really like R. They are so glad I "traded up" -- he's good-looking, kind, funny, sweet, sometimes a little shy, and extremely understanding. He gets along great with my family, and that's a plus.

 

I am going to R's daughters 8th birthday tomorrow. I wasn't planning on going (I had no way to get there), but she really wants me there and so R is going to pick me and my D up and take us over there. I need to go get something nice and wrap it for her birthday.

 

I guess I wanted to update (and boy, did I do that in a very long-winded way) to just...remind people that even if it IS truly over, life can be very good again. It can actually be much better than trying to salvage what has already burned to ashes. Its a long road, and a bumpy one, but in the end, I'm so grateful for my family and friends who supported me and helped me. And I'm grateful to myself for having the strength to leave and start my life over.

 

One final thing: I'm going to get a tattoo as soon as I get the money saved up -- the mythical Phoenix bird, a symbol of rebirth.

 

Antha

[directx]

That was a very nice story. Thank you for sharing!

It just shows there is hope for some people in your situation.

I hope things stay well with you.

[PWSX3]

Good to hear things are going better for you.....

 

Sounds like a domino affect happened & more then just getting rid of the X has happened, good to hear you are working things out with your mom.....

 

Thanks for the update.....

[ilmw]

Wow Antha.. that is great... but I always knew you would get through this.. you showed from the start.. even though it was shaky... you would succeed

 

You did up-trade...I remember.. the crap your ex put you through. You did/do deserve better. You are a smart/intelligent compassionate woman, and you finally sound happy. I am glad for you... I truly am.

 

Stay in touch.... you can help so many people on here!

 

Take care sweetie

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

That's what I'm talking about!

 

OoooooooRaaahhhhh!

 

I want ya to get fired up about your LIFE!

 

Freaking "A"

 

Get out there and GET some!

 

Get out there and rub some sunshine on your face!

 

Life's for living! Live it to its top!

 

Whooooohooooo!

 

Kick ass and don't take names!

 

Get busy living ~ or get busy dying! Just that plain and simple!

[Ladyjane14]

Recently, the child support was reduced because he claimed he gets direct deposit and doesn't get a pay stub. The evaluator was a guy (no offense, but I knew he was on ex-H's side the minute I walked into the room and the evaluator snapped at me for trying to move my seat closer to hear better). He accepted what the ladies in ex-H's office printed up for him as evidence of his income. I let it go because I figured the in-fighting would cool down. A loss of $160 a month is hard...but I thought it would be worth it if ex-H would stop trying to cause trouble. It has quieted him down a bit, but he still tries to control and manipulate me.

 

I wish I could say I'm surprised by your XH's despicable cheapness... but I'm not. That seemed to be the most consistent part of his personality.

 

I'm glad you've put it in perspective though and haven't let it get you down.

 

 

One thing I never expected from all this...my mother and I have a much better relationship now. We didn't get along the best before (or rather, I had a lot of resentment for her lack of raising me). Now, its like we've been bonded because she knew what its like to be in an abusive relationship (her first husband actually physically abused her, not just psychologically abused her like my ex-H did). I think we've bonded because me and my D lived with her for 6 months during the divorce and she relates to me as a mom and has seen that I'm a really good mom with her own eyes. So, I'm really happy with that.

 

I'm just so happy about your update, but this is my favorite bit.... the strength and unity you've developed with your Mom and sister. You're Steel Magnolias at this point, empowered by the give and take of comfort. It's just beautiful, and it'll be such a blessing for your little one to have that in her life.

 

Great news, Antha.

[Antha]

Thanks everyone. I just wanted to update and share that. It was a completely hard and long road, which I'm sure is not completely over, but so much healing has happened. My daughter and I really are so much happier now.

 

All that's really left...I wish he'd start being more cooperative as a parent and act in the best interests of our daughter. I'm not talking about being buddies with each other WHATSOEVER, but I'd just like him to stop being counterproductive.

 

I compromise and try to work things out and explain things calmly and rationally...but right now, unfortunately, he isn't interested in "getting along" unless he gets something out of the deal.

 

Still, I love my life now and cherish every loved one in it. I remember reading posts (when I was lurking) and hearing how one day I'd come to this point, and in that time feeling like it would never happen.

 

Obviously, I am not completely satisfied with my dealings with the ex, but it could be much worse and I have learned a lot about how to "handle him", so as never committing to something he's suggested over the phone or in person right then. I learned the hard way and always say, "I'll think about it".

 

Anyway, I don't feel I can offer anything but support to others here, but I appreciated every bit of support and advice I received.

 

Antha