Seperated month and a half and pissed!

[jesslindy]

I am quickly finding out how depression can cripple anything. I got a pretty good handle on this whole 180, learning to be seperated/married thing. I am spending most of my time learning about depression. My wife is depressed. How severe I am not sure. But it seems bad. She has no emotions. The more I think about it, our relationship wasn't that bad. If you let her tell the story, I came home in my wife beater everynight asking where my chicken pot pie was and finishing off a sixpack while I backhanded her and kicked the kid. So far from the actual truth. I can't count the times I asked her about her moods and got nothing. She started shutting me out a long time ago. Come to think of it, I don't think she was happy when there was no reason not to be. I don't deserve this.

 

Dont get me wrong there was plenty I could have done. I know that. But if you read my thread I have no problem finding my faults, looking at my self in the mirror, and calling myself whatever I am being. And CHANGING it.

 

What I do regret is not seeing the signs clearer earlier in our marraige. Than I could have been a better support system. That's my biggest regret. I did the typical, "your going to shut me out, FINE. I'm outta here too." Yes a large mistake, but what did I know? It is my first and hopefully only marraige. That is truly what I want.

 

Now it comes to what to do next? Everything of hers is here still and no mention of coming to get it anytime soon. What does that mean? I do not want to divorce and my resolve is great. I can love the unlovable. I do not see my wife as a bad person I see her as a sick person. I just wish I could help. I know its probably too late now but still wish I could.

 

Oh, if anybody has a problem with anger out there. Buy a heavy bag, hang it in the garage, and beat the s*%t out of it everynight. Works like a charm and is a hell of a workout. Roundhouse kick it if you have to. F'in A.

 

Later.

[butterfly37]

I feel for ya JL. I know exactly what you're going through. You feel completely helpless, right? And you know what? You are. But good on ya for loving her anyway. That's all you can do. That's what your wife needs. Mental illness is a dreadful disease! I suggest you read Stop Walking on Eggshells. There's a lot of helpfull information in it. And my advice to you: Live only for today. Don't worry about tomorrow. It will still come. Do your best today.

[Gunny376]

Man! You're beating yourself up over nothing! That's part of the process of what you're going through.

 

The wife is re-writing the history of the marriage rationalizing, and justifiying her actions!

 

Sure, there were a Hell of a lot of things that you didn't know going into the marriage~ news you could have used. And now? Your wiser, smarter, and more expeience for having gone through what you've been through.

 

IMHO? Your being WAY too hard on yourself! The "anger" equation? You were socially and culturally conditioned to experince that emotion and that emotion alone. (Per Lady Jane) Google and read, "Big Boys Don't Cry"

 

Here on LS you might want to read Crying Canuk's thread. You'll find it here in the divorce and separation section.

[jesslindy]

Im not trying to beat myself up, just stating that I wish I knew. Hindsight is 20/20 kind of thing. I'm done beating myself up. There is no more of that going on.

 

I talked to my mother-in-law for a while tonight. My wife doesn't know that I talk to her Mom. If she did she would probably be angry. My mother-in-law suffers from chronic depression as well. She has tried to talk to my wife about it and she claims she doesn't have the illness. Normal for someone who is in the denial about their depression. In fact my wife doesnt talk to anybody who doesn't justify what she is doing. Oh well, its got to come from her.

 

My wife and her mother have never gotten along as long as I have known them. It is both of their faults. 2 depressed people, mother and daughter, recipe for disaster. My wife has made the comment a few times that "this is the hardest time in my life and my mother doesnt even call me." I told her mother about this tonight and she said "why should I call she wont talk to me". I tried to explain to her that if my wife brings it up it bothers her. Whether she talks to her or not. I also explained to her that if she would just call and not jump her azz for leaving and if she just offered support she could change the dynamic of their relationship. I told her I thought it would help. I told her one person cant "fix" the relationship but one person can change the dynamic of it. She said she understood and would call and if nothing else she would leave a message and just be nice. We'll see.

 

Time for bed, we'll see if I can sleep tonight. Probably not. Later.

[butterfly37]

Get a good night's sleep. I know it's hard. But it really helps. And when you get up in the morning list 10 things that you are thankful for. And remember them throughout the day. Meditate on them. Keep the smile on your face. And know that we are always here to help you get through the hard times.

[jesslindy]

On comes the anger!!

 

I'm starting to get very angry about this whole thing. I'm kind of glad though so I can have more practice dealing with it. I wish she would call right in the middle of an anger fit so I can react accordingly. This was always my biggest problem, anger. I have come along way over the years, used to be much worse. If this would have happened to me 5 years ago I would have broken everything and said alot of stupid stuff. I went through a very short "begging" period, compared to alot of stories I have heard, and I haven't backslid yet. Knock Knock. That's me knocking on the table. I have been thinking differently about this the last couple of days for some reason. I'm starting to tell myself to give up, but I won't. I'm starting to get really angry with my wife, not to her but when shes not around. She's on her roller coaster, and I thought I wasn't on one but I am and its huge. 450' drop. 0-120 in 4 seconds. Up Down, Up Down.

 

All part of it I guess. I'm starting to look into divorce and the rules and the laws and what I might do if we get a divorce. Is that bad? We have only been seperated 2 months. We are being very civil. No unfaithfulness as far as I know. My state is a "daddy" state, ha ha and I never wanted to live here. Especially with my situation the way that it is, very short marraige, no legal seperation(marraige abandonment), no counseling on her part, so far slight vindictiveness and princess syndrome(money). It won't be as easy as she thinks. God I hope she doesn't read this website. I doubt it but you never know.

 

Tony is going to win tonight at Bristol for those of you that care!! Go Tony!!

[jesslindy]

There is one rule from Divorce Busting that I cannot follow. DO NOT SPY ON SPOUSE!! I can't follow that rule. I've tried very hard, cannot do it. Now with that being said I can hold any and all info I have recieved to myself.

 

My wife took the cell phone bill from the mailbox or the house, not sure, and then lied to me about it when I asked her. She said that we were paperless even though I had a paper bill the month before and when I called the cell place she said they had sent out a paper bill. Now this particular bill she had used 1100 more minutes than I had and it made us go over to the tune of 300 smackeroos.

 

She had actually told me about the bill before I found all of this out. I probably to her surprise said "No big deal", and "We'll get it handeled I'm sure" with no anger at all. She had to be surprised because she said "You're going to be so angry when I tell U this."

 

So, of course I go online change the password and request that my bills be sent to my work address. I can do this because I am the primary person on the account. Now she can't access it online and she will have no access to the bill. I feel bad but I have this overwhelming feeling to protect myself in the event of infidelity. That is something that I CANNOT and WILL NOT bounce back from.

 

So, I start to check all of the numbers that are being called on her line and the incoming calls. So far just girls. Not even close to done though.

 

I feel like I am being a child about this. But I don't know what to do. I'm scared about infidelity. My GF before my wife cheated on me so many times before I figured it out. It made me feel like a huge chump. I hate to feel that way.

 

My wife could ask me about any number on my cell phone bill and I would have the truthful answer about any of them. Even the girl that wouldnt leave me alone for a week, I would tell her about. I didn't do anything except maybe let her talk to me a few more times than I should have. I told that girl that I love my wife and I want her back and hooking up with her wasn't going to help at all. She then proceeded to tell me that she didn't want to date, talk, or anything. She just wanted to get down. I still told her to leave me alone. The only person I want to make love to is my wife.

 

On the infidelity subject, when I met my wife she had a boyfriend. I happened to know the guy. He was actually a nice guy. The first night I met my wife was at a bar partying when she came in with her boyfriend and I was single at the time. True Story, My best friend in the entire world was there and when my wife left I turned to him and told him that I was going to marry her. It was a true love at fist sight. Not a bulls**t one a real one. She would always find a way to make it to the bar we were at or to the party at my house. One night after everyone left or had passed out she was the only one left with me in my game room on the couch and I laid my head on her lap and started to talk to her. It was the first contact we had other than talking and flirting. She got very uncomfortable and left. After that she would always still find a way to make it to the bar or to the party at my house. (Can you tell we used to party alot). Ah the good old days. Anyway, one night she called me and hung up on me. And I called her back and said "Did you just call and hang up on me". She was embarrassed but I made her feel okay about it and the rest is history. She broke up with her boyfriend and we started dating. Point of the story is she wouldnt cheat on him. Although there was a small amount of emotional cheating, thats what is scary. And he was just a simple boyfriend. Hopefully she is giving me the same respect. I was in love with my wife before she even knew I was a human being. So sad.

 

What should I think. Any advise is welcome. I am very insecure about cheating. It's about my only insecurity. I will admit I am deathly afraid of it. It hurts worse than anything.

[jesslindy]

Well today is my Birthday and I got a text message from my wife, I replied "thank you and hows your day". No response. Oh well.

 

My first backslide was last night. I asked her about infedelity very nicely and just asked if she was possibly at that point, and she said in what I thought was a very lovingly and serious voice, "No. And I would tell you if that was the case." One thing my wife is not is a lair so I do believe her.

 

I have to work on this insecurity of cheating. Its eating me alive.

 

Any good books on urging a loved one to counseling? I need one.

 

Heres the list of books I have read so far if anyone wants some ideas.

 

Divorce Busting

The Divorce Remedy

What women want men to know

What to do when someone you love is depressed.

How to cope with depression

The five love languages

What makes a marriage succed or fail? How to create a lasting relationship with your spouse.

The Secret

Everything on Marraige Builders Website

All e-books on KeepYourMarraige.com

 

And plenty more to come.

 

I hope our conversation last night wasnt a backslide. She had told me that asking her was no big deal. I think I believe her. I also asked her about an emotional affair and she also said no to that. God I hope so. She also claimed she would tell me if she was and I think I believe that also. Its just really hard though. Thanks for listening.

[jesslindy]

Its been a while since I posted or even been on here.

 

Well the wife is cheating. She says she isn't but cheaters are liars. What to do, what to do? Cheating is a DEALBREAKER for me. We set seperation boundaries when she left but doesn't seem to matter. She probably thinks since she isnt going to marraige counseling now that those boundaries dont matter. I wonder if she even cares that I am dying because of this. She has told me that she can see change in me and she is proud of me. I've been doing everything right about this. I've done everything by the book. I haven't backslid. I am a textbook example of what to do to maximize your chances with your wayward wife. Still didn't work. Im dying right now. Cant even type. I am so sick of feeling like this.

 

Next Move? Getting proof of the cheating, and down to the lawyers office. I feel like boxing up everything that has anything to do with her and setting it on fire. I don't want the memories. I keep turning the good ones into bad ones. I looked at our wedding pics today and I didn't even care. I am empty. I am angry. I am dying inside. She doesnt even have the respect to tell me whats up. I could live with that at least.

 

I am filing for divorce and seeking custody of my son. (I will stop at nothing). I am not going to let a woman that can't be honest with me hand me my azz everytime I get paid. I am sick of the thought that I am going to have to see this woman because of our son. I can't even see her without feeling horrible disgust. Im disgusted. I feel like I am going to throw up all the time. The thought of another man's hands on my wife makes me sick.

 

Like I have always said. I'll be ok because I can take comfort in the fact that I didn't have a choice. I will not let this jade me. I am going to be strong. I am going to man-up. I am going to find someone that will let me tell the how much I love them, and will tell me back. I want someone that I can truly wake up in the morning and be happy that I am such an important part of her life. I want to love immensely and feel the reciprocation.

 

Thanks for listening.

[mammax3]

This hurts, I know.

 

I'm following your thread and I can remember that stomach knotting fear and pain that comes with all 'this'. That sick feeling. My STBXH told me he'd tell me what's up too. And he actively HATED anyone who cheated on their spouse. (He left me for her while I was pregnant with his 3rd child).

 

It does pass! And it should. It's no good holding on to all those negativities! It's also one of the worst times to make decisions. Manning-up is terrific for yourself - you'll feel so much better. But part of that is accepting your contributions to the end of your marriage and making it so you won't make the same mistakes again. These acts will come a bit later, after you've stopped feeling so sick and awful. Another part of manning up is putting others before yourself. Sure, you don't want to pay her child support, but how does this help your son during this scary time? You need to focus on him, and yourself. Kids are amazingly grounding during periods of turmoil. They will always try to be happy, and you have to help him with that.

 

It's great to vent and rant. LS is an awesome place to do it. There are so many here who helped me wade through the sh*t my H left behind as he hightailed out of the life we built together.

 

Keep talking it out.

[Ladyjane14]

Damn. I'm sorry to hear that JL.

 

You know, Mammas right. Sure, it hurts like a bitch... but you've learned sooooo much the past few months. It WILL pay off for you eventually, even if it seems like wasted motion today.

 

Tough times do pass. And this one will too, you'll see. You've just got to muddle on through, day by day, keeping on keeping on.

 

It'll help you feel better faster though if you can consciously re-harness some of that energy you've been using to forward the marriage and redirect it to your own healing. IOW, take time for you when you need it. And add "personal healing" to your list of daily priorities.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Jess, It sucks I know. But the best thing is to use that anger and let it propell you forward. Move forward with your life and trust me you'll do better in no time. You sound young. this pain your feeling will pass.

 

And be lucky you only have one child. That wont make things any more difficult than they are.

 

Cheating is selfish and wrong. it's her fault. Cheating lays squarely on her sholders. it' has nothing to do with what you did or did not do.

 

Dont blame yourself.

[Gunny376]

1. Go ye your azz to WalMart and get yourself some WalMart brand anti-nassuea medice. Two teaspoons should about do it. The "name-brand" cost about $8 the WalMart (which by Federal law must contain the same active ingredient as the generic brand ~ cost about $3 including tax.

 

Then stroll your azz over to the vitamin and herbal section. Look for something called "melatonni" (Spelling?) It a natural ingredident, over the counter, doesn't require a prescription, isn't addictive, won't knock you out, (you'll still be able to hear and wake up and tend to your child, go to the "head" (Marine speak for the bathroom)

 

It will quite your mind and your thoughts about after thirty minutes of taking it. About a half hour of taking it? Your eyes will get to "watering" and you will get to yawning.

 

It comes in 3mmg (that's micro-milligrams) and 3 mg's (that milliograms) and 5 mg. What worked best for me? Was two 3 mg's about a half hour before I needed to hit the hay.

 

Your body natuarally produces it, its what regualates your interneal clock. Once you get past 40 it produces less and less of it. Factor in stress and fatigue?

 

As for going for custody of your son? Women get full custody of their children 90% of the time ~ mainly because men don't ask for it! BUT!

 

Of the 10% that do? They get custody 90% of the time!

 

(Sorry! I can't spell, but I "get" statistics for some reason? I've taken five college level statistics classes ~ and "aced" them all? Go figure?)

[bestadvisor]

Well the wife is cheating. She says she isn't but cheaters are liars.

 

What makes you think she's cheating?

[jesslindy]

My wife came over yesterday to pick up our son for the day and ended up staying for quite some time. After all day of not being able to talk about the elephant in the room, I confronted her about the cheating, and told her although I have all the patience and resolve in the world to let her figure her head and our marraige out, I cannot bounce back from cheating. I told her that I am filing for divorce and seeking joint custody with myself as the primary. I told her I cannot live in limbo and I have to move on with my life as painful as it may be. All the while making her understand that I am here if she wants to talk about the relationship. I stole a quote from someone on here, not sure who, and I said "I do marraige , my lawyer does divorce." I am not going to speak to her about a divorce or anything that has to do with it. I cannot speak to her about ending our marraige. I don't know why.

 

She admitted to an emotional affair with another man. Still not sure if that is all but almost positive based on how she told me. She said she's been "talking to someone". Gut wrenching!!

 

I think talking to her yesterday about the cheating and the divorce was the right thing to do. All that was happening with me standing back was an emotional affair started brewing and I was sitting here like a jackass. This creates the reality of the situation. This will if anything make her realize what is happening. I was very calm and said all the right things no matter how mad she got or what was said. We started to argue towards the end about some bills and she was very mad about me talking about primary custody.

 

I called her on the phone after she left and asked her to call me back. I told her I did not like the way we left eachother and she agreed. She said to me "You know how you felt when I first left, well I feel like that now. If that was your wake up call, this must be mine." I still don't know what that means. I asked her and she said she sees the reality of the situation. I don't know if that means OH SH#T what did I do. Or she knew it was the reality and now she sees it clearly. I'll find out soon I'm sure.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Gunny376]

She said to me "You know how you felt when I first left, well I feel like that now. If that was your wake up call, this must be mine." I still don't know what that means. I asked her and she said she sees the reality of the situation. I don't know if that means

 

It means Mr. Reality just beamed her between the eyes with a good one and just now realize your serious and you're not playing around with her azz on this anymore ~ you just regained control of your life and taking all the control of the situation (which she's had up to now)completely out of her hands.

 

It means she's just realized how much she's got to lose?

 

It means she's just realized how much her azz screwed up!

 

Outstanding! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

[jesslindy]

I had a very long talk with my wife last night. About 2 hours. We spoke about a lot of stuff. I told her that I am done being dragged throught the mud. I told her that I cannot be her second best. I told her everything I wanted to get off of my chest, about love, marraige, her, everything.

 

I have an appointment with my attorney tommorrow morning, and I am giving her the retainer and filing for divorce. I do not feel that this is harsh. I told her what my dealbreaker was and she crossed it.

 

She has noted on numerous occasions that she has noted my change in attitude and says she is glad. She said she is doing the same. Cant be!!

 

You can't self examine when you're at a bar with your friends.

 

You can't change without feeling pain.

 

You can't change when you focus on the pointing finger and not the three pointing back at you.

 

You can't look at yourself in the mirror and call for change when you don't look in a mirror.

 

You can't change when another person is tuggin' on your heartstrings.

 

You can't change when you're not "ALONE"!!!

 

My wife acts like I am making this stuff up.

 

My wife continued to lie to me about the cheating last night. I called her out and told her how I know.(Gave her all the proof I was willing to relenquish at the time, just enough to let her know I knew and not enough to give away how). She acted like she got hit in face with a ton of bricks. She was speachless. I feel bad for her.

 

I know one day I'll get the call, probably long from now, about how she messed up. It almost always happens. I know it will happen. For her sake sooner than later. She's headed down a long and lonely road. And I love her immensely so that hurts. One day she'll know that she had a goldmine of love sitting here just begging her to enjoy it.

 

I am a rock!! I cannot be phased!! My life is worth more than being treated with disrespect.

 

She said last night that there are probably a million girls that would die to hear the words that were coming out of my mouth. She said to her they were just words. OUCH!!! But I know why she feels that way. She has no forgiving skills, she has no forgetting skills. To her I am and always will be the version she creates in her head to justify her feelings. I understand it. Still sucks though.

 

I AM A MAN!! AND A DAMN FINE ONE IF U ASK ME!! I WILL BE FINE!!! I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!

 

Thanks for listening!!

[butterfly37]

Just don't let this turn you into someone that you are not. And I'm quoting myself here:

 

These situations remind me of an old folk tale:

 

The Story of Two Wolves

 

An older Cherokee man is teaching his Grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he says to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves."

 

One is Evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, selfishness, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

 

The other is Good. He is LOVE, joy, peace, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

 

This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person."

 

The Grandson thinks about this for a minute and then asks his Grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

 

The old Cherokee replies, "The one you feed."

 

 

Just know that, one day JL, a much finer lady will be willing to walk along side of you through life; a lady with stronger morals, covictions and character. Just protect your heart. Too many people become bitter and jaded because of circumstances thrown their way. Feed the good wolf.

[Ladyjane14]

I AM A MAN!! AND A DAMN FINE ONE IF U ASK ME!! I WILL BE FINE!!! I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!

 

I'm steppin' in for Gunny right now with a big.... OOOOORah!!!! :bunny:

 

Seriously though, sometimes you've just got to do what you've got to do. I don't think you've had this girl's attention yet (per her comment about "a million girls"). Either she'll pull her head out or she won't, but regardless... you don't have to keep living in limbo like this.

[jesslindy]

I filed for divorce this morning. It hurts. I haven't done anything at work all day. The finality about this is painful. One of the first finality feelings I will feel for sure.

 

I now feel the constant need to further my knowledge of this whole "walkaway wife" thing. It amazes me how we have become a society of instant gratification. ME ME ME ME!!! POOR ME!! HELP ME!! WHAT ABOUT ME!!! How about, What can I do for myself? What can I do to learn why I feel this way, not just blame others? I need to go home and beat my heavy bag. I am raging inside how someone can be so selfish. How it affects so many people. This affects so many more people than then WW could ever imagine. I'm 29 years old, and my therapist said I have come further than most people she sees. She told me I don't have to come back if I continue to follow this path of learning and healing. I am still going to though. I don't think I will ever stop. Maybe a monthly thing or every other. Who knows.

 

I can't wait for my wife to get dumped on her ass and die inside. She'll probably call me and say "I wish I listened, I wish I could have done this with you. Your such a good father and you could have been such a good husband to me. It was staring me in the face." BOO HOO!!

[Kasan]

I am so sorry. Although I don't know what you are going through, your anger and pain comes through loud and clear.

 

When I read these situations, I wonder how as mothers we have failed our sons in teaching them about relationships.

 

You as a father can make a huge impact on your child's life. You will mold your child into a wonderful person because of the life experiences. You can teach by example.

 

Maybe this is something to hold on to?

[butterfly37]

Sorry to hear JL. My heart goes out to you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

good job jess. no matter how she tries to twist things she cause it. You move on with your life and do great things. You aint even 30 yet!?! lmao.

 

This world is so big, go and have some fun!

[Gunny376]

OOOOOOR~FREAKING~RAHHHHHHH!

Welcome to the FIRST day of the rest of your life!

 

Forget her! She had her chance! Her opportunity! Your a good man with a lot of love to give!

 

What one will abuse ~ another can certainly use!

"I started to cry!

But then I said Hey!

If crying won't make HER stay?

It won't make her come back!

Keep you azz "Keepin' on!

 

Stay strong Brother ~ All day strong!

[Missy27]

Even though it is hard, your STBX has probably done you the biggest favour in the world. A woman that hasn't got the guts to stick it out with you, is a woman that's not worth you waiting around for.

 

Even if Mr Reality did suddenly hit her between the peepers, and give her a rude awakening so that she realises exactly what she has just thrown away ~~ you could take her back but She'd only do the same thing again in a few years time, when she get's "itchy feet" again ~~ women like that will never change, and its a sad thing, but more and more women are succumbing to what Gunny quite rightly names "FBS ~ (Flakey Broad Syndrome)" ~~ The rising numbers are actually astounding

 

Me ~ ? I activate myself in the more "traditional" way of creating the relationship dynamic. I think a woman SHOULD look after her man. I dont have high expectations about love, but I work hard to keep us on our toes every day. Dont get me wrong ~~ The first time you screw me around will be the last, but I DONT run out on him when the first sign of boredom creeps in ~~ If and when that happens I work harder to bring the energy back ~~ Its not hard if you know how

 

My favourite is when he gets in from work - "Alright darling, did you have a good day ? ~~ Fancy some dinner and a cold beer" :love: (whilst looking at him seductively in my slinky lingerie and black leather boots ~ !!!! )

 

Seriously though Jess, you've got a golen opportunity to pave your own destiny now. There ARE some really good women out there, you've just got to work on yourself and one will appear when you least expect it.