Seperated month and a half and pissed!

[Ladyjane14]

So just because I have forgiven my wife, should she not be held "accountable" so to speak. Why should I give up what I want for my life and my son because I have forgiven her. I don't think forgiveness has anything to do with friendship or that you should mend a broken relationship because of it.

 

I don't know about "accountable".

I'm not sure you can put somebody out of your personal life and still hold them "accountable". That almost seems like you're holding onto them in an unpleasant way... which to me is the antithesis of forgiveness.

 

Certainly, I think within the co-parent relationship, there's accountability on both your parts. But that would be more about your future actions within the parenting role than about your past.

 

For me, it's not necessary to allow a toxic person back into your life in order to forgive them. I look at forgiveness as acknowledgment of a debt that can never be repaid. What coin for your pain afterall?

There's no way she can pay you back for your lost years or lost dreams? NOTHING she has to offer would compensate you.

 

With that in mind, forgiveness is more like when somebody owes you money... and you KNOW you're never gonna get it. So, instead of standing around in perpetuity with your hand out, awaiting payment that will NEVER come... you write it off and move on with your life.

 

Once the "debt" is cleaned off your slate, you're then free to remake the relationship. It's an opportunity to redefine the parameters of it because whether one is destined for recovery or for permanent separation, it starts clean. In your case, it will provide you with an opportunity to set healthy boundaries on the co-parenting relationship so that you can measure "accountability" singularly in THAT capacity, without using her old "debt" as a yardstick.

 

So, no... I don't believe that "friendship" is a given. I don't believe it's necessary to allow a toxic presence back into your personal life in order to forgive them of their debts. And frankly, when it comes to wayward spouses, their motives in seeking forgiveness are usually not pure anyway. They mostly just want to feel better about their poor choices, and in some cases... they're still trying to hold onto their former spouse in the capacity of "safety net".

 

The Dr. Philism applies.... "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". Just because you forgive someone of their "debt" doesn't mean they're worthy of future trust or that they have the skill-set to be a good friend to you. It doesn't mean that you have to give them access to the old pathways they used previously to hurt you. Forgiveness doesn't mean that they've suddenly become nice people. It only means that you're not willing to waste your energy waiting for payment that can never come. It means you're letting go.

 

Ultimately, forgiveness is something that you do for yourself... because you no longer want to walk through the world with this pus-filled wound on your heart, and because you can't reach indifference for this person when you're still harboring anger.

[jesslindy]

Awesome post LJ. I think accountablity might be the wrong word. I understand what you are saying, I really do. I guess I meant, because I have forgiven her, alot of my anger has subsided. Which in turn makes me want to settle down on everything. The divorce, the courts, the custody. My life is rapidly getting back to normal. I still have horrible days. But they are becoming less and less.

 

I feel weaker to proceed in this divorce. I don't know why. Maybe just not a strong day. Who knows. I'm still angry, really angry. But not that heart pounding anger. I just want my family back so bad sometimes. Today is one of those days. I know my resolve is great and if push comes to shove I will not let my wife tug at my heart. But I am scared that I will. Deep down I know it is the wrong thing to do, in the long run. For my son, myself, and even her. I truly beleive that. As much as I do not want to.

[jesslindy]

My wife text messaged me 6 times tonight after I didn't respond!!:D:D:D

I think its starting!! Hold on for the ride I tell myself.

[jesslindy]

I finished packing up all of my ex wife's "knick knacks" that were in our computer room and bedroom. It felt pretty good actually. Then, an hour later I go get the mail, and copies of all the divorce papers sent from my attorneys office are in the box. It stung to read those. I'm kind of pissed because they probably got sent to her work and dwelling while she is on vacation. She gets back tommorrow. I think I am going to have my attorney send them with the sheriff or with a courier because I can't trust she will go pick up the certified mail at the post office. I didn't want to send a sheriff because that's embarrasing and I just didn't want to do that. I don't know why.

 

I have a question. I feel like this relationship never had proper closure. What I mean by that is, I still have stuff to say. I don't want to do it on the phone or in person because she doesnt seem to even be listening when I have done that. Should I write her a "final" letter so to speak? I just want it to say all the final things that i feel haven't been said. Nothing mean, just the fact that I tried everything I could and I truly wanted to make this marraige work. She chose not to and now I cannot allow her to control my life. Stuff like that.

[jesslindy]

Well, WTF!!!

 

So my son has contracted pnuemonia over the last couple of days. He started to get sick right when my STBX came home. She took him to the doctor and we thought he would have to go to the hospital. Turns out he didn't but needed close monitoring in case it got worse, and he would have to be taken to the hospital.

 

So my ex-wife asks if she could stay at the house saying she didnt want to be alone while he was this sick. I replied that she would someday have to do this by herself, but if hes that bad he deserves his father, and his bed, and his toys, and his room, so I agreed. We put him to bed, and she wanted to watch a movie. I agreed and five minutes into the movie, I felt my guard slipping, and I got up and told her I was leaving. I told her I was going to go down the street to see some friends who were doing our usual Friday night bonfire and beers in the backyard.

 

She said she didn't want me to leave she just wanted to be able to spend some time with me and watch a movie. I had then replied "Why should we be able to do this if we are getting a divorce. If you are my ex than you are my ex. Ex's don't watch movies after the sick son is put to bed."

 

She had admitted she didnt really need to be there for our son, she wanted to talk. Although she really didnt say anything except "Im sorry" And you all know that's not going to cut it.

 

I am slightly torn here!!! One one hand, I do not feel my stbx can ever be the woman I need her to be. I feel like she has laid the ground work for doing this whenever she feels the need. I feel like she can and will not take the necessary steps to repair this marraige. I have no trust in her, and do not feel she can provide me with the things to restore that trust.

 

On the other hand, Do I give this a shot only for the simple fact that I am a man and I do not want to feel like I haven't done everything to save my family? Do I proceed wth extreme caution, and take it super slow and see if this is possible, knowing what I would need to hear and feel and see from my wife?

 

Im not going to lie, I am confused. I see things clearly still. I do see this for what I feel it is. But Love is such a strong emotion, and it clouds the reality of things sometimes. Thats what I feel like today. I am pissed for letting my guard down last night. We didnt sleep together, I would not do that until we are best friends again. I kissed her on her forehead and she gave me a hug this morning , and we kissed on the lips briefly. God it was so f*****g hard not to touch her. I am not sure if she is going to ask me if she can stay at my house again tonight. I guess she can, I have a benefit dinner and am going out tonight and I wouldn't even be there.

 

Jut to cap this all off, I am not canceling our divorce, she is not moving back in, way more conversation to be had. I haven't lost sight of the fact of what shes done and what I need from her to be in a happy marraige. I have alot of thinking to do, and if she wants to be with me for me, she can wait.

[BestAdvisor1]

I am pissed for letting my guard down last night. We didnt sleep together, I would not do that until we are best friends again. I kissed her on her forehead and she gave me a hug this morning , and we kissed on the lips briefly.

 

It seems like your judgment has been clousded. Didn't she moved on to more than one guy after the seperation? Next time you kiss those lips, just remember where and what they have touched days or even hours ago. That will wake you up.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's probably reaching out to you because this is the begining of the end. She knows your leaving and you arent giving a damn about her, your only there for your son. but this is what she wanted you wont be a friend, it's all or nothing.

 

I think if she showed you true remorse and made all the moves in the book to reconsile, then I'd say take her back, but if she's just hurt that your moving on and that's it, then stay that way. The choice was hers it's always been her choice.

 

Stay on this path your doing okay.

 

Maybe she'll wake up but maybe she'll wake up when your gone. who knows.

 

She probably feels like her pride and ego is making it too hard to beg.

[jesslindy]

I am such an idiot. Last time I posted it was Saturday, since then my wife has stayed at my house everynight, sometimes saying the right things, sometimes just saying general things like I'm sorry, and I want to work on our marraige one hundred percent. I feel I have done the majority of the talking, but to give credit where credit is due, she has done more talking with me in the last 4 days than she probably ever has. She seems genuine in what she says. She says she used her vacation last week to think clearly and she realized her family and our marraige are important to her and she will work on it one hundred percent.

 

So, to give you a synopsis of the last 4 days. I already told you about Friday, my last post explained that. Saturday she had our son and I spent my time with my friends, Sunday we agreed to spend some time together and really got along. We bought our son some shoes, had dinner, went shopping, and had a good time. She stayed the night, and we made love. It was awesome. Almost immediately after we were done I got pissed at myself. I didn't tell her and hid it well. But I was pissed. Mostly because I saw myself doing all of the things I said I would not do if she tried to reconcile. I felt weak. Most of all disappointed in myself.

 

Monday I went to work and she did as well. She usually works late on Monday, and yes she was at work. She called me several times from there and I drove by and her car was there. She came by the house about 10:00, I drew her a bath, gave her a glass of wine and we proceeded to make love for the next couple of hours. It blew my mind. She said it did her as well. Again, my dumbazz got angry with myself. Now that brings me to today.

 

She came by with our son right before his bedtime, and we put him to bed and sat on the couch reading and she could sense something was wrong with me. She asked me to talk to her, and everything just hit me at once. I proceeded to tell her what I was feeling and heres pretty much what I said.

 

"I do not trust you"

"I do not feel that you are made up of what it takes to reconcile this marraige"

"I feel like you are still lying to me"

"I am still very angry with you"

"All I have heard from you is generalities"

"I will not give you a roadmap to fix this, you didnt give me one, everything needs to come from you"

"I love you and I want to work on it arent good enough for me"

"I want all of you, a real wife, and I don't trust you can do that"

"The reasons you gave me for wanting to reconcile have nothing to do with ME"

"Your thinking of your family, not ME, and my son will be just fine if we divorce, I do not want to stay together for him, I want to stay together for US. I feel you want this to work because of a "family dream", not because you see a husband in me"

and last but not least "Im still not sure I don't want to divorce you"

 

With all that being said, she took it amazingly well. She said she understood everything I said and it made alot of sense to her. She said she was in a good place to hear all of that emotionally, and she was going to do whatever she could to figure out what she needed to do. She didn't change her stance, and she said she was going to surprise me. I guess we will see. At least she didn't blame me for saying those things. Thats what I expected. She said I have every right to feel that way, and she hopes I will give it time so I can see she is serious. Who knows. I sure dont.

 

So here I am up and wide awake. Her cell phone is downstairs, and the messaging, phonebook, recent calls, are all locked by a password. F*****g figures. They wouldn't need to be blocked if there was nothing to hide. It doesn't even hurt. I expected it. I don't know if this is the other shoe dropping, but it feels like it.

[Ladyjane14]

Her cell phone is downstairs, and the messaging, phonebook, recent calls, are all locked by a password. F*****g figures. They wouldn't need to be blocked if there was nothing to hide. It doesn't even hurt. I expected it. I don't know if this is the other shoe dropping, but it feels like it.

 

First things first, JL... before you allow her to come back, some boundaries need to be established. And when you're dealing with infidelity, one of those boundaries ought to be in regards transparency with your mate. Secrecy cannot be tolerated.

 

One of the most fundamental issues in terms of recovery is rebuilding trust. There's a difference between secrecy and privacy. When a mate cheats, they've demonstrated an ability to engage in "secrecy", so now, like it or not, they've got a track-record.

 

A betrayed spouse in recovery NEEDS a good bit of reassurance that they're not being played. She's got to be willing to meet that need. If she's not... then you're likely moving reconciliation way too fast.

 

Weirdly enough, a FWS needs reassurance too. They're often afraid they'll be "living in the doghouse" for the rest of their natural life and will never be an equal partner within the marriage again. It's not unusual for a FWS to say all the right things, but then later sabotage the recovery altogether in response to this underlying anxiety. So, even though she's the one who initially caused the meltdown of the relationship... you've got to be emotionally responsive to her as well.

 

If you feel like you want this woman back, maybe the thing to do would be to slow down the process and work through a counselor. Maybe hold off until you're more stable together before you set up housekeeping again. (????)

You're both in a position to severely handicap the process by emotionally wounding one another at a critical juncture.

 

In alot of ways, I see reconciliation as the start of a NEW relationship. You wouldn't move this fast with a woman you just met, would you? So, maybe the thing to do is to slow down a bit and get some professional guidance.

 

I don't see any reason why you'd have to withdraw your divorce petition until you're feeling more secure, but you might want to talk to your attorney about it just to make sure you're not screwing up your case.