Her jealousy and my confusion

[lost3v3rytim3]

I became depressed and never liked myself because of who I am I want to run away from every one to keep them away from my depression. But I couldn’t hold it in, I told them what was wrong and they said I should tell Lara how I feel. I deny it for 7 years to not tell her but it got to the point that I was about to blow! So I told Lara that I am bi sexual and I liked her more than a friend. Lara was in shocked and said that she is fine with it but not feels the same way and not knows what gender she is interested in. Lara respected me and understood.

 

After I told Lara how I felt 10 months ago I went to a party and met this guy, nothing happen but I told Lara about it. She then got mad, she said she was not sure to be happy for me or pissed. I didn’t understand what she meant.

 

I told her that I am moving on and you are not making it easy on me. And she said she was jealous because she didn’t want to drift apart from our friendship and was afraid that we won’t be close anymore. She told me that she was jealous of my last two boyfriends in the year of high school. (she only had one BF in freshmen year but lasted up for 3 days) I ask her if she wanted a boyfriend and she reply no.

I told Lara that the reason why I went out with them is because I want to get over her and move on. She asks me why I liked her, I said “I am attracted to smarts, mysterious and adventures and that’s what you are, it’s hard to put into words.”

 

I told Lara the reason why I got mad at her is because it sounded like she like me back and I didn’t want her to (even thou I do wish it)

Because I don’t think I can be good in a relationship because of me not believing in myself. (Lara didn’t respond to what I said.)

 

I feel awkward now because Lara knows my secret now. And I don’t know how to act around her. But lately we haven’t seen each other face to face we talk online about this. My guy friend told me that just act like you never told her. And I do but now she knows more it’s hard to. She is a touchy person to me and leans on me once in a while. (I like it) and I hope it won’t end because of our talk. Lara did that before we had our talk about her jealousy and now I feel like it won’t happen no more.

 

So what I am asking is:

Did she like me back more than a friend or was she afraid of losing our friendship?

And

what does she mean “we won’t be close anymore”?

(The only thing of close I can think of is that she leans on me and holds me sometimes for no reason)

And

how can you fall for someone and you don’t know why you is?