Think I'm Goin Crazy

[marty]

Firstly Hi all

 

Its my first post.

 

I found the love of my life 18months ago,, a chance meeting,, big sparks between the two of us, and we both fell in love at first sight. Unfortunately she lived in holland so to make this work we had to both compromise, take our time, see as much as we could of each other, and make sure our feelings were real.

 

They were, and we both agreed to settle down. Through all the 18 months of us seeing each other, the only thing i asked of her was to be honest with me. I explained that at it would be technically easier for her to move to me (scotland), because (a): the spoke english better than me lol, (b): its easier paperwork to enter the UK. She agreed and said she never really felt that holland was gonna be her future anyway. I repeatedly said that she was to take her time and make sure, and that if she couldn't i understood and we could think about me moving instead, although much much harder, i was more than willing to try,,, for her.

 

Well, it finally came to the day, where after alot of talking, we decided i'd buy a house here , and that she would move over,,not immediately, but after she had dealt with work and things over there. Then, when i finally get the keys,, and shows her around the place , she tells me the next day that she cant go through with it. She loves me with all her heart but she cant do it.

 

I was shocked to say the least, but deep down understood. We both agreed maybe the best thing would to leave things for a while, because i could see she was confused about alot of things. She couldn't leave her parents and friends. Everything she has is in holland. I totally understood this, and after a time had a talk with her to say,, i love you baby, i'll do anything for a chance to make this work, if you want me to come to you then i will, because i love you.

 

She told me no, she didnt love me 'enough' to try.

 

I feel like the world has stopped. All through our relationship it was her being pushy, that she wanted a life with me, i was her prince, etc,,, kept pushing for a house,baby's, the whole nine yards. I tried to be a little more realitic and said to take our time a little. I dont know if she took this as rejection but i was only trying to be sensible.

 

You may say,, move on,, it wasnt meant to be.. but it so so was. Everything clickd with us instantly. its like we knew each other for years. We could talk about anything, we loved the same things, making love was like nothing w'ed ever known. Everything seemed so right.

 

Where did i go wrong?????

 

I'm going crazy i love her and miss her so much

[Woggle]

You did nothing wrong. She is just being a typical woman and you should move on with life and forget about her. There is more to life than her.

[burning 4 revenge]

You did nothing wrong. She is just being a typical woman and you should move on with life and forget about her. There is more to life than her.

yes, she wanted you to prove to her how much you needed her and once she got that proof and her ego was validated it was over

[Woggle]

yes, she wanted you to prove to her how much you needed her and once she got that proof and her ego was validated it was over

 

Exactly. Most women are incapable of love and only want their ego bossted by a man. That is why MM get under women's skin so much. It is because most refuse to leave their wives and women can't stand to see a prize that is out of their reach.

[Hazy]

LOL guys, men get cold feet, too, all the time. It's not a "woman" thing. That's sexist and stupid to turn it into that.

Anyway...I think you two hadn't really left the "honeymoon" stage of the relationship since you are long distance. When the reality hit her, the true love which takes over after the "butterflies and honeymoon" stage didn't take over.

She doesn't want to leave Holland, that is a big move for her, and she discovered she wasn't deeply in love when it came down to it.

I'm sorry you're going through this but we've all experienced a broken heart.

[funkybassplayer]

Can you afford the house on your own? If its a big tie to you sell it, and take the time you need to heal. There is no real hope for this relationship other than the realisation that its over, and you now have to move on with your life. Best cut ties fully for the time being, and see how you both feel in a few months, you may wish to be freinds. Its a massive upheaval to leave friends and family, i have done this, but i think one worth making if the situation feels right. I was in similar recently, but she was not ready to commit to me fully, and divorce her hubby. I was prepeared to wait, but no wheels were ever put in motion, and she ended it. Dont worry about her feelings, you did your best, its a shame you bought the house, unless of course it suites just you.

[brokeninside]

Now you understand woman

Im not a woman basher. But Ive been on the receiving side also.

At first amazing almost porn like sex, compliments everywhere, how she wants a baby and a life together.

Well, after I got my own place. She lost interest. Sex was almost non existant at that point (blamed on STD which.. frankly I dont know where she got from, but now its starting to make sense).

Its hard when reality hits you, and your forced to wake up from the fake world your now ex-love put you in.

Women can be manipulators.

Signs to watch out for: (this is my personal take, please read this with humor as I dont take myself or anything very seriously anymore):

 

1- During sex at a motel with mirrors on ceilings and walls, she mostly adores herself during the act even thought she has a body builder on top of her (or behind) making sexy faces to herself. Not to you.

2- She has a lot of friends. Correction, a lot of male friends.

3- She talks about their achievements, and ignores your own even thought you could smash them all in one sentence.

4- The sex is non existant at any point, means cheat or run. If you do the first the sex will come again, in doses you wont be able to handle.

5- Shes all about what color christinas aguileras hair clip was yesterday. If a metoeorite smashed into India and wiped out one in every five human beings on this planet she would call her friend and say "OMG!!! Do you know what happened?? YAAAaaaaa...."

6- When shes in your car, thats a fairly good ride conidering her family can only afford a 12 year old toyota camry, she checks out other cars, especially the ones with the cheap mods such as blue lights on sprinkler exits, or around registration plates.

7- If you take her out anywhere, she complains about not being somewhere else, and constantly never separates from her cell phone with her 'best friend' (who also happens to be one of the most annoying people on this earth that you have ever met).

 

The first lines from my ex now gf when I met her were 'omg you look like a model!!'. Ive had a lot of girls before her, but somehow I fell in love with this one (Now I think it was the motel sex. I really felt like a badass). My biggest mistake was to get involved. I introduced her to my family etc and were together for nearly 3 years. She left me when she got into university (lol.. and i didnt see it coming!!) After I got a place of my own, just like you had, from the money I earn in the big cooperate job I always dreamed of (she dumped me in the food court of my office building).

 

Keep your head up, and sleep with as many woman as you can!! And to all you guys out there, if a woman takes you to a motel on the second date, dont introduce her to your family!!!! )))

 

Good luck and best wishes to you!!

[marty]

thanks for the replies guys,

 

only one main problem. we both still love each other very much. alot of contact from both of us, many hours talking on skype talking things through. alot of crying from us both equally.

 

it would be so so much easier if she was a manipulating horrible person who used me and wasnt honest at all. but she's the opposite. and i'm saying this not from looking at her through rose coloured glasses, or dreaming of irrational hopes. she a lovely girl, very trustful , sweet, kind, was always there for me in any troubles i had. just a very lovely family minded girl. i thought everyday how lucky i was to be honest. and she says the same.

 

she said it wasnt because of love that it wont happen, because she said she still loves me so much.

 

maybe its just that i love her more and am willing to do more than her to try and make it work. i dont blame her , im not angry with her ,i'm just finding it so so hard to get over this. if she had said,,'look, dont feel the same anymore,, or i've found someone else',, it would have killed me but at least i would have closure. maybe the fact that i'm willing to do more than her should tell me something i guess, and if i try to change her mind i'm only gonna push her away.

 

neither of us seems to be able to let go. i cant eat, sleep,,, lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks.

 

i can just about afford the house on my own,, but i had so many plans for us in that place, and now it seems like an empty shell. i cant move for a while as the mortgage is locked and would cost me a fortune in penalties if i sell early.

 

to be honest i feel like leaving absolutely everything behind and moving away. total restart,, away from family , friends, everything. thoughts of a guy going crazy??????

[Chinook]

I can just about afford the house on my own,, but i had so many plans for us in that place, and now it seems like an empty shell. i cant move for a while as the mortgage is locked and would cost me a fortune in penalties if i sell early.

 

to be honest i feel like leaving absolutely everything behind and moving away. total restart,, away from family , friends, everything. thoughts of a guy going crazy??????

 

Nope, not thoughts of a guy going crazy at all. You're hurting. The thing you talk about is called 'caving' emotionally. It's where we kinda shut up shop for a while so we don't have to feel anything anymore. Thing is Marty, she's inside you, inside your head and heart. She's going to be there until you let her go.

 

So, let's talk about letting her go. The harsh facts are, it's over. No matter what you both say and do now, no matter how much love is professed on either side... you asked her to move to you, she refused. You offered to move to be with her, she refused. Your relationship as it stands, is going nowhere now. There are strong feelings on either side because you grew into each other, you trusted each other and it's hard to let go. You didn't do anything wrong and what was said between you was meant at the time, it doesn't detract from the strength of her feelings for you - but when it came right down to it, she simply couldn't leave everything she has in Holland. That's easy enough to understand.

 

So, you have to decide what to do now. Not for her. For you. You have to decide when you can start to rebuild and how. Now isn't the time, it's too soon and there are probably lots more angst filled hours to come on Skype. But a time will come when either you or she will have to step back and say 'enough now' and slowly you will both need to pick up the pieces and move on. The only way in my opinion to do that is to drop all contact with her. Completely sever ties. Send back anything she has at your place, make sure she can't contact you.

 

Close your eyes, take a deep breath and walk forward with life. Cry along the way. Be angry too. But we can only move forwards.

 

I'm a runner and Roger Bannister (set the record for the first four minute mile) once said that 'life can only be lived forwards, even if it only makes sense looking back'.

 

Take care of yourself because no one else will.

[marty]

thank you chinook, for your time and for telling me what i knew already but didnt want to hear.

 

its hard to face it, she was, probably will be for a long long time, my girl. and i mean that in the sense that she completed me as a person. sounds corny but its true. if there was anyone i thought i was gonna be with it was her, and i dont know how to come to terms wih the fact that its over and that somehow i could have done more.

 

the more we talk, the more we get upset at the situation, and that isnt fair to her,, or me i guess.

 

how am i gonna do this. i have to ,,for both of us, never felt this way about anyone but i'm gonna have to let her go. i feel i cant breath, silly eh.

 

for those who took the time to post, i thank you.,, very much. i'm heading for emotional hell for a while i think. i really dont know how i'm gonna come out the other end, right now its seems unbearable beyond belief.

[Chinook]

thank you chinook, for your time and for telling me what i knew already but didnt want to hear.

Ah, um yeah, I kinda have a rep for that around here. I didn't mean it to hurt but sometimes it is hard to see it and it's hard for us as observers to not see the pain when it reaches in to us because we've been there. So it makes sense to make the pain less, by quitting beating around the bush and getting to the point of the problem. I'm sorry things haven't worked out. It is always very painful when two people care for each other a great deal but circumstances conspire to keep them apart. But you would not have taken the risk no..?

 

Its hard to face it, she was, probably will be for a long long time, my girl. and i mean that in the sense that she completed me as a person. sounds corny but its true. if there was anyone i thought i was gonna be with it was her, and i dont know how to come to terms wih the fact that its over and that somehow i could have done more.

No. I'm sorry I'm going to be harsh on you again. She didn't complete you as a person. A second individual cannot complete us. We are singular individuals. In order to be happy and to reach our potential, we have to have fulfilled our own needs and potential before we can look outwards. You complete you... she simply added to it and for that you are blessed because you can go there again someday because some day you'll be whole again. You won't believe me now, but you have the capacity and potential within you to do so ... and in being that way, you won't be able to NOT give to someone else because this isn't about the other person, it's about you. You are who you are. She recognised that and so should you. You're right, you will never forget her and you will never forget what she has given you and how she has made you feel. But you will be able to live without it.

 

the more we talk, the more we get upset at the situation, and that isnt fair to her,, or me i guess.

 

how am i gonna do this. i have to ,,for both of us, never felt this way about anyone but i'm gonna have to let her go. i feel i cant breath, silly eh.

Not silly at all. Like I said, you're hurting. But you're right...sooner or later it has to stop somewhere. I'd like to caution you that you shouldn't draw this out. If it's over, it really is over. The more contact you have, the more painful it will be. You guys can and will profess to be friends but again, you will also be in the position where one of you will have to bear witness to the other moving on and being with someone else. I'd like to caution you to avoid that because as much as you and she say it won't happen... it will. Sooner or later there will come a time when things will be so painful, you will grow to resent each other, maybe even become angry. Then there will come a time when one or both of you find someone else. Hard to see right now... but it will happen. The only way, in my experience, to avoid that kind of torture is to avoid all contact. I don't say that in the 'no contact' guru way that some people espouse here at LS. But it is the least painful way as a strategy to heal and move on.

 

i'm heading for emotional hell for a while i think. i really dont know how i'm gonna come out the other end, right now its seems unbearable beyond belief.

It will be painful for a while. The key is to get through one moment, then the next, then the next hour, then the next day, the next week, the next month. Along the way it will be painful. There will be questions and no answers. There will be pain and much sorrow and regret that things couldn't be different...but remember, things are where they are. There really is no other choice but to go forwards. As gloomy as it sounds and as painful as it sounds, this bit coming is just the bit you have to get through to get to the rest of your life. Trust me... I'm there with ya. Not through it yet by a long shot...but further along than I was 6 weeks ago.

[marty]

i told her goodbye this morning. it was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life, and thats saying something. we both knew, we both cried, we both said i love you, and with a click of a mouse she's was gone.

 

i'll be honest i'm hurting bad. very bad. there was no future for us , but it feels unbearable. i see everyone else around here, and all the heartbreak they're are going through, but it doesnt seem to comfort me much tbh.

 

for the first time in my life i asked family for help, friends,,and they were there. but i can see in their eyes that i should be getting over this by now. its only been 2 weeks. i need time to heal. but i'm not sure if they really see how much torture i'm in at the moment. the phrases, "time to pick yourself up","need to snap out of it","need to go shag as many as you can",,,,,,

 

this doesnt help me. i've never been that kind of guy, i'm 35 and had 4 longterm relationships. never been unfaithful, never had a one night stand. (you guys will be shaking your heads ) , but i've always been like that. maybe i'm old fashioned. good old dependable marty, who's always there for folk, even if it puts him out. i have one solid friend i can count on and she is being so so patient and understanding, but i feel i'm starting to bother her. she never says bless her, but i think so. i just really dont know how to deal with this on my own.

 

maybe i am taking this way too hard, and being too hard on myself.. but i cant help it,, big heart, and always thinking of others feelings first.

 

thinking of doctors help, but really dont wanna go down that slippery slope. cant see any light at the end of this tunnel. time is a great healer everyone says and the world keeps on plodding along regardless. but i wanna stop the world and get off at the moment. as horrible as it sounds (and i know ppl are gonna shake their heads again), i feel ended. the prospect of a bullet in my brain, however ridiculous that sounds, is a rather welcoming thought right now and that scares me ****less.

i know i never will of course, but the thought of that making me feel better is scaring me. the pain is that bad guys.

 

you will say that no one is worth that much. i should be grateful that i am who i am, and what i have in life. there are so many ppl out there with far bigger problems than me. and you are right,but its how i feel right now.

 

at 35 i thought i had everything i ever wanted. happy with me finally,,nice home to look forward too, girl of my dreams, ok job ,starting a family,the whole deal , and in 1 short month .......................................

 

it ended today. closure. closure i didnt want, but i had to have. why is life such a kick in the stones. think i'm just babbling here but it kinda helps somehow.

 

chinook , you say one day at a time,, its one breath at a time right now

you know what i could do with,,,,,,,,

 

 

GROUP HUG:o

[Chinook]

Okay, you're over the first hurdle. It is done now. If a breath at a time is what it takes, then that's what you have to do. Keep breathing (I seem to be saying that a lot lately).

 

Now, let me tell you some things to help you in the moments, hours, days ahead. This first initial period of 'no contact' you must not contact her no matter how bad you feel, no matter how sad you feel and no matter how low you go. No way no how...because she can't help you through this now. You have to do this. Any time you guys contact each other, you're going to end up right back where you started.

 

Firstly, your reality is that you are where you are, as you quite bluntly put it... there really is no future for this relationship. No future = no relationship. It's over. What was has now passed and is gone. She is no more in your life. Like I said, all avenues of contact should be cut completely... meaning no emails, no text messages, no MSN or other IM messages, no checking in with mutual friends to see how she's doing, no checking her myspace/facebook/insert other weblog feature here. Obviously you were LDR from different countries so bumping into her or a member of her family isn't going to be an issue and although it doesn't feel like it now...that's a blessing in your favour.

 

Okay so some things which may help in the time to come. I wrote the first post on this thread around 6 weeks ago now. Then read the first post on this thread.

 

In the days to come, you're going to be going through unbelievable torture. Your mind will play tricks on you, even though you know today that you have done the right thing. You heart will ask you the following (below) and you will have no choice but to question yourself at it's will.

• Why...?
  
• Why couldn't she come here...?
  
• Why couldn't I go there...?
  
• Why...?
  
• Did she even love me...?
  
• Is she thinking about me..?
  
• Why...?
  
• Why is this so painful...?
  
• When will it stop hurting...?
  
• Why..?
  
• ...and many more...

See, the heart is a devious thing to get that which it desires. It will twist you and pull you any which way. It will question your motives and it will ask you to contact her, just one last time. But the heart doesn't know any better. The heart doesn't see the logical, harsh reality of the situation. All the heart sees is the love he feels for her. So you must be strong and you must help your heart heal by being cruel in the first instance and denying that which you know will hurt it.

 

Chemically, what's happening at this time is the bloodstream is stuffed full of dopamine. Dopamine is the hormone our bodies release when we want something. It's the 'desire' hormone. It increases our heart rate and blood pressure and it widens the pupils in anticipation of getting what we need. Initially the dopamine level will increase and so the desire for your loved one will heighten. You will want to contact her. You have to be firm with yourself and hold fast to 'no contact'. Whilst you're holding fast to 'no contact' slowly but surely, breath by painful breath, moment by painful moment, you're dealing with losing her. Eventually the dopamine level reduces and our chemistry returns to normal. This can take weeks or it can take months. It depends on you. If there's contact, you go back to the start and the desire hormone is dumped in the bloodstream again and the pain is as bad as it ever was.

 

And... as always Loveshack is here along with many posters who have been where you are.

 

EDIT: Oh... and avoid alcohol if you can. It releases locked up emotions sure it does, but it's also a depressant and it makes things worse. You don't need to cry any more than you have to.

[Chinook]

Hope you're doing okay Marty.

[marty]

still feeling pretty bad. had a long talk with my best friend. she knew about the whole situation from start to finish , and she is helping beyond belief. telling me things my brain is thinking but cant hear because my heart is yelling something else. dont know what i'd do without her.

she has been through very similar things so knows exactly how i'm feeling.

 

thanks again chinook for your wisdom, i reckon your in the wrong job should do this full time. everything your telling me is spot on. still hurting you are right. my worst traight is to sit and mull things over and over in my mind. creating senarios and scenes in my head that hurt to the core. i dont know why i do that. maybe because its so soon and not giving myself time.

 

my friend made me realise that i put my ex on a pedastal. and shes right. everything question you wrote chinook i have asked myself 100 times. your so right. one minute im feeling quite strong and ready to move on,,, the next second i think of something and my stomach ties in knots and heart crushes my chest.

 

this forum,,and especially chinook, have been a source of reason, compassion, and clarity in a time where all i feel is loneliness, heartache and complete despair most of the time.

 

i'm getting there,, very very slowly, and still amazed how heartwrenched this has been. i mean, deep deep down i knew the odds were stacked against us but silly me thought love would get us through.

 

i hope in away i can help anyone thats going through similar things, feel free anyone to pm if i can help. think it would help me also.

is it ok to add you chinook to my buddy thingy? , not very techy with forums and stuff hehe

[Chinook]

Marty, you're still in the very early stages of grieving right now. There will be many more times of ups and downs to come yet. Gradually the periods of time between each will stretch out and the good will outweigh the bad. You will get there, there is no other option

 

As for the buddy thing, I'm not entirely sure what it is or how it works. But sure you can add me. I'm not sure you can PM people until you get over 500 posts or something near there. I think it's to ensure your commitment to the site. I got past that last year by subscribing. I think it cost me a few quid for 6 months. It helps Tony and the guys maintain the site.

 

As for me doing this full-time..uh uh no, I don't think so. Sometimes I need a break from thinking about things and I take a step back. But generally, I try to help others because I've been hurt pretty badly recently and in some ways, helping others helps me to hurt less. So it feels like some good has come from the disasterous situation I was in. I'm glad you have your best friend there to lean on too. It all helps. You just have to get through this any way you can.

[Chinook]

Monday: Sunshining down in England Marty. How're you doing...?

[marty]

not good. when is this torture gonna end

[funkybassplayer]

not good. when is this torture gonna end

 

 

 

It will end, trust me it will, and you will be in a much more calm and peaceful situation. Know that this pain will go. try to go out in the garden and look around you, or in a park, and try even for a lettle while to let the feelings go, and you will find yourself calm. Its like a bad toothache, if you can lose the pain for just a few mins, it will make a difference. Your doing the right thing to feel your emotions, but now and again, calm yourself, and you can do this. The pain will go.

[Chinook]

Marty, as Funky says, it takes time. Small steps. Just hang in there. Keep breathing. Breath by painful breath, moment by moment. It is only painful because you care so much and it hurts.

[marty]

starting to think of things i've done in the past that were maybe wrong,, trying to tell myself it wasn't my fault. things i've said or done that my heart told was true but my head not. was i kidding myself,, it doesnt help.

 

i'm obviously not a complete person. always had that in my head,,, always needed someone there to 'complete' me. A 35 year old man,, and scared out of beleif. my self esteem and self worth right now are below the empty line. and for the first time in my life i dont like myself, not proud of myself.

 

its not been easy for me either. she was in constant need of attention and love and assurance. which i gave with all my heart. but never got the same amount back.e.g. txting me to say she's had an accident, and then not hearing from her for ages,, testing my affection all the time. many things i could keep going on about. i was at my end with her sometimes,,, but i put up with those things, because i loved her, more than anyone ive ever known. hard, sending me crazy, stressing me out like i've never known. 'when its hard its not right'??, heard that many times before,, but i loved her. i feel like a doormat.

 

now at the end, you would think i might be a little relieved almost, but i'm not. i know im raw, very raw,,, but its hard to pull yourself through all this when you dont have any inner strength or confidence to back you up. god i sound pathetic. why do i feel this way,,, why.

 

not proud. why cant i look at myself in the mirror with pride and dignity. too many ' can we try again?' ,, to many 'i love still so much'..to many' i dont want to let you go',,,, and knowing the answer was always gonna be the same,,, everytime time i tried ,, the more the crack in my heart got bigger and bigger. amd the more she feels i'm pathetic. but i ended it on saturday. me, not her,,,,,,taking control for once and going through with it.

i dont know what to make of it all,,,,, 18 months of love, but heartache at the same time. 18 months of not really being me, i could tell i wasnt, but couldnt face her not in my life. and again not proud of that either.

 

everytime either i or my partner has ended a relationship in the past i seem to lose it. dignity and pride goes straight out the window. many people i've seen go through this pain,, people around me, and people in places like this,,, and they seem to handle things much better than i can.

my best friend says it coz i have too big a heart, but i'm not so sure.

 

too scared of facing up to things more like. and making myself look a right prat at the same time.

 

so , as you can tell,,,, still badly mixed up....

time for me to go now , face up to my failures. wish me luck.

[funkybassplayer]

Hey man you did your best, look no one is a faild. I know what its like to be with an inscure woman. It can be the most draining thing possible. I know and i had her 3 kids and an ex hubby in the mix too! i know what its like to love her and its never enough. You have not failed. She has issues, ones that need real help. You have addmited you have low self worth, maybe you find it hard to recive love but have it to give in abundance. Thats why she came to you, b/c she has lost the ability to truly love with the heart, so she takes from you, untill your drained and empty, you get tiered and distance yourself cos it gets too much. I know i have been where you are, but now 3 months down the line im getting to a much calmer place, one that feels good, one that makes me say im happy for my ex and her kids that i love and miss. She has a new guy, and if she is happy, i am too. You will get to this place, but take out the time to recharge your batterys, and you will attract a lady that s whole that can give you what you are capable of giving. MAke no mistake, your ex will look for a replacment fast, thats how these guys live, b/c there too afriad to face there own fears. What you saw was the person behind the mask. She will choose to meet some1 new to start the honymoon again, to get the feel good feeling where the mask can stay on. But guess what, it will all start again, only you will be in a better place, away from the madness of this ladys world. One thing these guys are good at.that is making you feel bad for there own fears. They project there demons at you, so they wont have to face it. you did your best, no one can heal her exept herself, and a counciller. I hope this has helped you, if im wrong about her, im sorry but at the end, its -just a thought.

[Chinook]

starting to think of things i've done in the past that were maybe wrong,, trying to tell myself it wasn't my fault. things i've said or done that my heart told was true but my head not. was i kidding myself,, it doesnt help.

Right, well you can quit that right now. A relationship is 50% on both sides. You had your bit to take care of and she had hers. Yeah, we all go through patches where we may not be able to put in everything we want to and we all get stressed, tired, emotionally drained and weakened. But you know at the end of the day Marty, you were still willing to try, she wasn't. She was the one refused to come here and refused to let you go there. So you can quit blaming yourself right away.

 

i'm obviously not a complete person. always had that in my head,,, always needed someone there to 'complete' me. A 35 year old man,, and scared out of beleif. my self esteem and self worth right now are below the empty line. and for the first time in my life i dont like myself, not proud of myself.

Do you know what... I don't think in all my 37 years of life, I've ever met one single 'complete' person who didn't have any baggage and didn't have their issues. So you know... you ain't alone there. Self-belief and self-worth will return...in time. A breakup batters the confidence and you have to build it up again. You'll do it. You know why you'll do it...? Because you've done it before and you can do it again and the Marty that you do like will be there for you to see.

 

its not been easy for me either. she was in constant need of attention and love and assurance. which i gave with all my heart. but never got the same amount back.e.g. txting me to say she's had an accident, and then not hearing from her for ages,, testing my affection all the time. many things i could keep going on about. i was at my end with her sometimes,,, but i put up with those things, because i loved her, more than anyone ive ever known. hard, sending me crazy, stressing me out like i've never known. 'when its hard its not right'??, heard that many times before,, but i loved her. i feel like a doormat.

Aye well you're a doormat no longer. I think almost everyone of us here at the moment on the breakup boards has felt like a doormat at some point when breaking up because 'we tried our bloody best and it wasn't enough for them'. You know what that says about us...? We give as much as it takes and you can give as much as you want, it will never have been enough Marty. You can bend until you break and it still won't have been enough. You can run back and forth over to Holland chasing your tail and it still won't be enough. You know why... because this isn't about you. It didn't fail because of just you. It failed because there wasn't as much commitment on her side as yours...no matter how much she said she loved you, it wasn't enough.

 

now at the end, you would think i might be a little relieved almost, but i'm not. i know im raw, very raw,,, but its hard to pull yourself through all this when you dont have any inner strength or confidence to back you up. god i sound pathetic. why do i feel this way,,, why.

Quite simply because you're grieving hun. You can't pull yourself through this at the moment, you just have to experience the pain and the emotions. I bought Paul McKenna's book (Mend Your Broken Heart) and some of it helped but it didnt really make that much difference. People can say and do what they want, they can agree with you and let you wallow, or they can try and give you a kicking up the backside, it makes no difference, it's still you going through it.

 

not proud. why cant i look at myself in the mirror with pride and dignity. too many ' can we try again?' ,, to many 'i love still so much'..to many' i dont want to let you go',,,, and knowing the answer was always gonna be the same,,, everytime time i tried ,, the more the crack in my heart got bigger and bigger. amd the more she feels i'm pathetic. but i ended it on saturday. me, not her,,,,,,taking control for once and going through with it.

Like I said on Saturday...just keep on keeping on. Keep breathing... it will get easier. I know you don't believe me but it will. It gets pretty bad but then it gets better...almost like the brain can't cope with too much pain at all. Your dignity will return when you're done grieving for the loss of your relationship, the loss of your future and the loss of the love and warmth that you felt. Marty, those things are gone now it bloody well will hurt. Anyone who goes through this and says it doesn't hurt is either a heartless shell or a liar.

 

i dont know what to make of it all,,,,, 18 months of love, but heartache at the same time. 18 months of not really being me, i could tell i wasnt, but couldnt face her not in my life. and again not proud of that either.

This is important. You'll look back on this and you'll remember it and when the right girl comes along, you won't need to not be you because she will accept you for who you are. Think about this though. You should be who you are, not who anyone else wants you to be. Or indeed, who you think they want you to be.

 

everytime either i or my partner has ended a relationship in the past i seem to lose it. dignity and pride goes straight out the window. many people i've seen go through this pain,, people around me, and people in places like this,,, and they seem to handle things much better than i can. my best friend says it coz i have too big a heart, but i'm not so sure. too scared of facing up to things more like. and making myself look a right prat at the same time.

Pfft! Rubbish. If this pain here I see on the page isn't facing up to things I dunno what the hell is. A lot people run away from their grieving - walk away from it and straight into another relationship usually. You're not doing that, you're taking stock and re-evaluating. That in my opinion, is a really good thing. Just stop being so hard on yourself. Your friend is right, you do have a big heart.

 

Shout if you need to - post - write a blog - scream - yell - whinge and cry. Do anything it takes to get through it. Eventually life will pick up. I kinda see it a bit like when a tornado has hit. The storm blows through and everything gets tossed around and for a little while after the storm has passed, you spend some time trying to put things back in the rightful places but maybe it's not quite in the right place yet, it takes a bit of up here, or down there, or shift around...until one day, it will feel right again.

 

Take care of yourself.

[marty]

what your saying makes alot of sense funky. people have told me i havent been myself since meeting her, but i never saw it in myself because i was busy loving her. like i've said before, she was a lovely girl, but those constant wants and needs actually in the end made me feel if i wasnt doing enough for her,,, in a strange way.

i'm not slating her for second. but she needed a lot of nurturing. and i was more than willing to give her everything she needed. but i'm the kind of guy who'll give everything , all i ask is that i get the same in return. but for some reason i didnt care this time,,,, i loved her that much i just kept giving,,,,,,,,to the point of giving up everything. looking at it now, i shouldn't have to.

 

but i love her still. after everything.

 

i'm still messed up big time. like i said, i need to be on my own. for aslong as it takes, and having never done that before,,, even though i'm a 35 year old mechanic, typical looking mechanic bloke ,,,,,,,,,,, i'm scared.

just wish my heart was as strong as my arms

[Chinook]

but i love her still. after everything.

Let me tell you a secret. You'll always love her. It's like it's locked into a time capsule of it's own now and it'll be buried inside your memory, packed away in a box some place and occasionally, after the grief has died down, you'll take the box down and look at the images and pictures, words and feelings. It won't hurt so much then and there may even be someone else by then. But this love, has already been felt and given, you cannot take it back or unfeel it. It is the way it is now. It's still there and it will always be there.

 

i'm still messed up big time. like i said, i need to be on my own. for aslong as it takes, and having never done that before,,,

It can be scary... but liberating too. In fact, I bet in six months time you'll be saying how much you enjoy it being by yourself because you can do what you want, please yourself coming and going, no asking which TV channel to watch, no having to be in a certain time to answer the phone, no having to listen to the other person going on and on and not having your say...you get to be with yourself, and look after yourself. There are lonely moments, but I can argue I felt lonelier in my relationship with him there than I ever do on my own!

 

even though i'm a 35 year old mechanic, typical looking mechanic bloke ,,,,,,,,,,,

I dunno what a mechanic bloke looks like.

 

just wish my heart was as strong as my arms

Oh. I think your heart is probably a lot stronger than your arms. Afterall, your arms ache after a few minutes of being weighted down with stuff. Your heart has taken 18 months of it.