teach1222 Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 I have been seeing a man who claims he is not exclusive and he was seeing other people-only one that I am aware of-and can't be exclusive in his present situation. He has removed his profile from online dating as has his other female friend has. He has been going to see her out of state every week for the past 3 weeks at least. Claims if he were ready I could be the one who he spends the rest of his life with but next day spends a week with the OW. I have helped him through some rough spots the last 8 months, was a real friend to him although I have not given him money. I supported him through in patient re-hab with visits and taking him things he needed but he did pay me for them. When I told him I couldn't see him anymore as long as he was staying with this other woman 3 and 4 days at a time, taking her to concerts and fancy dinners (he has never taken me to a fancy restaurant) I could no longer see him. The last 3 trips out of state he never told me he was going. Before he went and bragged about all the things he did and places he went. He is in alcohol recovery doing well but because of his addiction he no longer has a regular job and is facing his second DUI court appearance in 3 weeks. I don't think that will turn out well for him and I know he will call me when it goes badly just like he called me when he got drunk and his other lady friend blew him off and went back to her home. I am 2 years post divorce-he is one. I do not drink but have a co-dependency problem because I have always done for everyone else and I am waiting for my turn for someone to take care of me. He has turned everything around and now that I don't want to see him because of the way the situation with the other woman makes me feel (I am obviously not good enough for a fancy dinner out) he tells me my self-destructive negativism shows through. Just a few month ago he told me how positive I have become since the divorce from a verbally abusive cop. Is this guy exclusive or not? SHould I break all ties even though I feel for his bad situation. I think he is a chronic cheater-2 marriages, many affairs. We were close friends and could talk about anything but I have now broken all contact. I don't think he tells the truth and I think he used me and now doesn't need me anymore and instead of just telling me he doesn't want to see me he turns things around poionting out my faults. He recently said he wanted to see me (I haven't seen him in a month and only talked on phone 3 times-have been emailing but impersonal stuff) so I suggested meeting different places at different times but he said he couldn't possibly because of a 7 week old knee injury bothering him-too painful but that day went out of state to see his OW friend who he claims a platonic rerlationship but in the past had sex with "no penetration: Interesting stuuf but I really don't believe him. I think it is time to dump the friendship even though it will be hard because I do care for him. teach1222 Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 When you decide to “give” or offer someone a hand-up or hand-out you have to do it without counting through fingers. If there’s an agenda behind your charity or kindness, you will end up feeling disappointed and unappreciated each and every time. It’s a GOOD thing to have a kind and compassionate heart, but it can quickly morph into a dysfunctional co-dependency cycle if you are in a habit of befriending people who are constantly in need of “fixing.” There’s a lot to be said for the “helpers high” ... but in order to pull it off successfully, you must learn to set certain boundaries and be able to detach yourself emotionally from that individual the moment you recognize that you are being taken advantage of. For every giver ... there’s a hundred takers. With time and experience, you’ll eventually learn to recognize the difference. Meanwhile, I’m sure your feelings are hurt. But don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. This may actually be a blessing in disguise for you and the situation provides you with a legitimate reason to distance yourself from someone who in the long run will make a toxic relationship partner for you ... and will only end up far more trouble and heartache than he’s worth. Trust me on that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Jesika Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 Well, honestly I think you answered your own question. You don't think he is telling you the truth, you don't think the OW and him haven't had sex, he takes her out and not you, he is blaming you for things that aren't your fault, he can't see you because of injury---but went to see OW, etc Girl, you can do yourself a big favor and go against your co-dependency cycle.......this is got to be a pretty easy decision for you. I understand you care for him, but do it from far away. He doesn't show you even the least bit or care in return. Just ask yourself, what am I getting out of this relationship? I don't see anything except getting used and walked on, not good. Move on girly. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 Well, honestly I think you answered your own question. You don't think he is telling you the truth, you don't think the OW and him haven't had sex, he takes her out and not you, he is blaming you for things that aren't your fault, he can't see you because of injury---but went to see OW, etc Girl, you can do yourself a big favor and go against your co-dependency cycle.......this is got to be a pretty easy decision for you. I understand you care for him, but do it from far away. He doesn't show you even the least bit or care in return. Just ask yourself, what am I getting out of this relationship? I don't see anything except getting used and walked on, not good. Move on girly. Word. get out now before it gets even worse... Link to post Share on other sites
Hurt & Alone Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 Understand that you want to help someone through difficult times but keep in mind that you need to take care of number one first, and that is you. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona76 Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 Do you REALLY need to ask? I see nothing good or decent in your description. An alcoholic is bad news. Alone is better. Alcoholics have their good sides, but can never take criticism. And they're lier's. ALL! Link to post Share on other sites
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