4th time isn't a charm!

[singleb4]

I wrote a rather long post under the "guest" name, but I haven't seen it posted, so now that I've joined, I guess I'll rewrite as much as possible!

I am currently separated from my 4th(yes, 4th) husband. If someone would have asked me if I ever thought I would have been married 4 times, I would have told them they're crazy! I think I've been the crazy one for getting remarried each time.

A little history.......I'm 59, have two daughters, and 4 grandchildren. My girls father was very abusive,both physically, and emotionally. He also felt he needed to breed all the woman from our hometown! My 2nd husband was six years younger than myself, and never had children. I couldn't have anymore, so I thought this would be great. Nope, he turned out to be controlling. 3rd husband was controlling and jealous. Now, we have the 4th. It started out great, but after two years of dating, he broke off with me, and told everyone I was "needy", and wanted to get married. He was there when the marriage conversation took place....I guess he forgot?

Three months later I find out he's getting married. That marriage lasted 3 months, and to make a long story short, we were back together before a year was up.

We've been married 6 years, and the last four have been HELL! I was diagnosed with BiPolar 4 years ago, and all I heard from him was how bitchy, needy, and negative I was. No support from him at all. Then, this last March, I was rushed to the Heart center for emergency surgery on my heart because there was a huge blood clot over my main artery! Now, if anyone has had open heart surgery, they know how much they need support from their partner.......well, once again, no support. I was an emotional wreck, not to mention physical. They had to cut my leg in six different areas to harvest a vein! I'll be damned if he didn't start up with me being needy, again! Oh, and bitchy too. EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING!!!

We've tried counseling till I'm blue in the face. He is certain that if I would just quit my "bitching", everything would be just fine! I don't even like to argue, so I don't know where that came from.

Let's see......all rolled up into a ball.....He's self centered, never had children(that's not a good thing, the men haven't had to share feelings), I was his 4th wife, he had a STD, but chose not to tell me because he was afraid of losing me(now, who's the needy one???),can only hold a conversation with me for about 20 minutes(I can't help it that I don't like sports, or military hisory), and don't even ask about our "physical" life!

And, get this....he tells me I'm his top priority:lmao: NOT!!! Since separated, he's managed to tell me that he misses the dog, and that he doesn't feel all warm and fuzzy towards me, BUT he sees HOPE in this marriage. HUH??????????? Sorry this was sooooo long, but once I got started, I had to get a stopping place. Any opinions????

[hdnkorul]

Dear singleb4,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I am so sick and tired of these men who are so self centered and egotistical that all they see is themselves and could care less about the rest.

 

Not like they don't complain! Don't worry about people like him because these are the kind that play with your mind. When they don't have you they want you and when they have you they complain....

 

I wish I could smack him for you!

[Antha]

Wow. You are "bitchy" because you had open heart surgery and were in physical and emotional pain. Damn, this guy is one of those men who think any vulneribility is a woman being "bitchy". You don't need this hassle, really.

 

I really have an issue with men who try to stereotype women into, well, the "stereotypical woman". If you gently remind them to take out the garbage, you are "nagging".

 

You are better than this and need someone who is going to support you emotionally when you need it.

 

Antha

[Touche]

I feel for you. I really do. And I mean no offense in saying this, but have you ever thought that maybe the problem isn't really with the men but with you? I mean, come on! If I had four failed marriages behind me, I'd start to look within, you know? I mean I've had one failed marriage and started to question myself and my choices. I think it's time that you do the same.

 

I wish you the best.

[Gunny376]

I feel for you. I really do. And I mean no offense in saying this, but have you ever thought that maybe the problem isn't really with the men but with you? I mean, come on! If I had four failed marriages behind me, I'd start to look within, you know? I mean I've had one failed marriage and started to question myself and my choices. I think it's time that you do the same.

 

I wish you the best.

 

That thar's what I'm talkin' about! I'm not getting involved with anyone until I've got my act togrether! 24X7X365! To my satisfaction!

 

I'm, working on me!

[LakesideDream]

That thar's what I'm talkin' about! I'm not getting involved with anyone until I've got my act togrether! 24X7X365! To my satisfaction!

 

I'm, working on me!

 

 

That's the attitude Guns, I've been divorced over six years. Had a couple of no to serious "dating" relationships and one rekindling of a long ago flame that didn't/hasn't worked out, and rationally probably won't.

 

I'm not out there searching for someone to "make me whole". Believe me I'm enough of an *hole already. If Ms. Right comes along, I am confident that I will recognise her.

 

If not, I know better than to try to make Ms. "Good Enough" into something she isn't.

[Krytellan]

Any opinions????

 

Just that you don't show one ounce of accountability for anything that has happened to you in your post. Start taking a little credit for your life... good and bad, and then you might be able to be happy with someone else.

[singleb4]

I feel for you. I really do. And I mean no offense in saying this, but have you ever thought that maybe the problem isn't really with the men but with you? I mean, come on! If I had four failed marriages behind me, I'd start to look within, you know? I mean I've had one failed marriage and started to question myself and my choices. I think it's time that you do the same.

 

I wish you the best.

 

I've looked within many times. Note: I didn't say I was perfect. It's very hard to inneract with a partner that doesn't act like a partner. After a while, I just give up. I've read many books about marriage and how to keep it together, plus, I even read relationship rescue. One therpiast was having us read the book and answer the questions, so that would cause us to communicate more openly. He wouldn't do it. Each time I remarried, I made sure the same thing didn't happen from my previous marriages. By the way, I'm still looking within myself.

[singleb4]

I have been working on ME.....that's why I decided to separate rather than divorce. He and I are both bullheaded, and set in our ways. I can definitely be bitchy and negative, but I'm NOT a needy person.

We both said this separation would give us time to reflect on our own behaviours. The main problem is that he doesn't do what he says he will. He woud rather put the blame elsewhere, than admit he has done wrong as well. That's the main problem right now. Thanks for all your responses. I appreciate them all.

[whichwayisup]

Do you love him, respect him and think he can change? Can he become a loving and supportive husband? If so, then continue to be separated and go to marriage counselling together. If not, and it seems he's not willing to shoulder any of the blame here, I'm not too sure about how things are going to play out.

 

All I know is, from reading your post, your present husband sounds like a selfish person and immature too. Maybe he is a narcissist?

 

Do some individual counselling too, it will help you through this. Or are you seeing someone already because your BP? Are you on meds to control the BP? Just wondering.

 

The other thing to think about, and I don't mean to sound harsh here at all, so I'm sorry if it does -But, to live with a spouse, or have a parent who is depressed or has BP, it's real hard for them too.

 

Take care and keep posting.

[singleb4]

To answer your question about if I already see a therapist....yes, plus a psychiatrist for my drug regimin.

I have apologized over and over for my behaviour when I was diagnosed, and before. I knew my actions weren't ME! Once I was diagnosed with BP, my husband looked at it as that is the reason I was so "bitchy, needy, and negative". Those words are very hurtful, and it really got old hearing them all the time. I needed SUPPORT, not hearing what he had to say. I had bought a book the therapist recommended, and it was very good in explaining about the illness itself, as well as chapters for the family support. He never read it.

He does act very immature when it comes to anything serious. He whole theory is this: Either, I will get a "magic" pill for my BP, and get healed, or "If I would just quit bitching, everything would be fine".

Like I said, he has put it all on me.

My stress level has reached an all time high around him. I just don't see any way this marriage will last.

We did go to several marriage counselors......none of them worked. When he gets it in his head that it's all me, then it does no good.

I don't respect him as much as I use to, or trust him for that matter. That went out the door when he got caught in a lie about the STD he has.

I just don't see any hope at all. I have tried all I can. It's his turn to try.