Sibling Rivalry Vent

[East of Jupiter]

I am one of five. Two older sisters (I am second oldest) one brother in the middle and two much younger sisters.

 

Our father, in order to avoid the tax man and other troubles, put mom and dad's house in brother's name. Our father died a few years ago. My brother handles my mother's finances. I appreciate that he does.

 

A few years ago one of my youngest sisters talked to me about fears that our brother was screw up and lose my mother's home. My brother is an entrepreneur who is forever juggling businesses. He may generate a million dollar one year and barely scrape by the next.

 

My brother also lives like he was born with a silver spoon. Far from it. But he wears designer clothes, high end cars, expensive home. Not a problem.

 

But I do see my mom scraping by while his wife is wearing $400 sun glasses.

 

Recently I was doing one of my favorite hobbies, researching. For the first time I typed in my deceased father's name. It was like taking a stroll through my own history. Old addresses, names of businesses. It was cool and sad at the same time. Since my father and brother share a name, I found my brother mixed in. The last record in the folder was his and I looked at it as it pertained to my mother's home.

 

He has taken a $180,000 credit line on the home. This concerns me. He bought a home at the peak last year for over 700K. He also decided to be independent again and open a new business. He has done this off and on and each time, it fails.

 

So I send the link to my younger sister who flamed me by questioning why after five years after his death, I was looking up dad. That she loved him whether he was good or bad. (I mentioned nothing about my father only pointed to the line of credit by my brother). She further told me to mind my business.

 

Mind you, she is the one who was questioning my brother's actions and got me worried.

 

There is more to this story of course.

 

She has been kicking me in the teeth for many years. Inviting everyone to a BD party but not me and my sons until the last minute knowing I would not be able to make it. Avoiding me during holidays and criticizing everything I say ... it goes on.

 

At my brother's wedding five years ago she told me off. How I was over-analytical and she didn't like me and how I made her feel bad about herself. My Gosh she let me have it. Keep in mind she is 10 years younger than I am and she called me "mom" before she did our mother because Mom was pregnant again and sick.

 

Well after that you know you ignore and go on. Repeatedly she would kick me in the teeth so I stopped visiting and made some distance.

 

A year after dad dies, she sits at my breakfast counter and confesses that she is in therapy to cope with sibling rivalry issues. That she had been angry at me since I had left home and left her there. ( I was 18 and she was 10 ). She expressed understanding that my leaving was my way of saving my own life and had I not done so, I would probably not be here today. She said she understood this was not my fault and that her feelings were irrational and I thought we had gotten somewhere.

 

Not close.

 

So after more teeth kicking, I wrote her off. We are friendly but I avoid her as much as I can.

 

I'm going to put this in two posts so as not to bore anyone...

[East of Jupiter]

Last year this sister convinced my 18 (and feral) niece to live with her out of town to go to school. Niece finishes getting her GED but wants back home. She hates sister's husband (philandering, arrogant, jackass) and simply doesn't want to stay. The sister in question and my brother work on trying to keep niece in place because they feel if she goes back home, she will end up like her mother (my oldest sister - with good reason). They try to stop her from coming home for Thanksgiving but she does and just as expected, niece does not want to return.

 

In come my brother into town who gets into an argument with niece. Niece gets sick of the pressure and talks back to my brother. Brother goes ape **** and throws niece around (niece had just had surgery). Her mother (my oldest sister) jumps in and a brawl insues. My brother says a lot of nasty and hurtful things. Kicks them both out of "HIS HOUSE" as they had been living with my mom who recently had eye surgery and is alone.

 

Meanwhile, I learn that the out of town sister has been filling my mother's ear with stuff about what my niece was doing while with her. Nothing she herself didn't do at her age.

 

Phew ...

[East of Jupiter]

You may understand why I am a loner IRL and have lived away from home since I was 17.

 

My father worked hard all of his life and he had little to leave. He and my brother were not close but somehow my brother feels entitled to the house. My oldest sister on the other hand, helped my dad throughout his life with his businesses working for him and caring for mom.

 

Should I be concerned about this line of credit? I want to mind my business but it seems really unfair. I am doing well for myself and I don't owe anyone in my family one red cent.

 

<sigh> I feel better just getting that off my chest.

 

As for the nasty response from my sister, I responded that her anger is no longer welcome and if she wanted to discuss this or anything else, she was going to have to find a different way of communicating her differences.

 

How could I resist being over analytical? Actually I took everything she said to me at Biro's wedding to heart. I spent the next few years examining myself. I learned that I like myself just as I am. That I wouldn't trade my over analytical ways and that under close inspection, I had not once done or said anything to this sister to warrant her anger.

 

I made lemonade.

[nittygritty]

If your brother has Power of Attorney over your Mother, I doubt there is much you can do if he has borrowed money against a home that your Dad put in your brother's name, essentially its your brother's home now. I would stay out of it.

 

You can help take care of your Mother in other ways. Visit and call her often. Bring her groceries and take her shopping for clothes and things she needs.

 

If your younger sister verbally attacks you and has a grudge against you for no other reason than sibling rivalry or jealousy than there is not much you can do to repair the relationship. I would keep my distance from her.

[East of Jupiter]

If your brother has Power of Attorney over your Mother, I doubt there is much you can do if he has borrowed money against a home that your Dad put in your brother's name, essentially its your brother's home now. I would stay out of it.

 

You can help take care of your Mother in other ways. Visit and call her often. Bring her groceries and take her shopping for clothes and things she needs.

 

If your younger sister verbally attacks you and has a grudge against you for no other reason than sibling rivalry or jealousy than there is not much you can do to repair the relationship. I would keep my distance from her.

 

Thanks much for your response.

 

No. My brother does not have power of attorney. Actually, my mother is under the impression that she owns half the home. My mother is quite ignorant about finances. She is very dependant to the point that she has never driven. She is under the impression that my brother cannot do anything with the house without her signature. I am certain she is not aware of the line of credit he recently took out on the home.

 

But you are correct. It is his his name and there is nothing I can do about it and I need to stay out it.

 

My brother lives on a different coast. My older sister and I take turns taking care of our Mom. She is half blind and getting elderly now. She will not be able to live alone much longer. She has always been most comfortable in my home (she likes my husband) and we are close, she will more than likely come live with me.

 

As for my sister, I have put as much distance as I can between us. But she continues to triangulate within the family. But this is not a new phenom to our particularly dysfunctional family dynamics. It is really my issue of coping and handling.

 

My mother is an emotional meddler. She will come to me and say things that my sister has not said in hopes of bringing us closer (she means well). Like "you're sister is dying for you to come visit her beach house, why don't' you go?" Well, my sister has never invited me.

 

Recently, she sat at my kitchen table in tears about the distance between this particular sister and I. In the past few years (since the blow out) I bite my tongue, change the subject and don't say anything. This has always been my tact with my Mom. Not this time. I have had it with the situation of my being the bad guy for keeping my distance with a sister who is intent on emotionally injuring me. Of course, I have never told my mother this because again, I don't want to hurt her and engage my sister through her.

 

I finally pointed out to her that in the past three years, my sister has come in to town probably once a month. Ask me how many times she has called me and said "hey, I'm in town, let's have dinner or come by. Or .. I would love to see the kids (one of them being her Godson)? ZERO.

 

I usually know she is in town when I show up at my moms house and she is there or if my mother tells me she is there or coming.

 

The pattern has been that I go out of my way to see and spend time with her and hers and she acts like I am an imposition or crimp in her plans which always include others but not me. I walk away hurt. Lather, rinse and repeat.

 

I put a stop to that and now everybody is angry at me. You see when I stick up for myself I'm a bitch. I must put up with whatever it is. This was my home growing up. Dad treats mom like crap but that is okay. Dad cheats on mom and that's okay. Dad is emotional and physically distant to his children that's okay. Dad is a creep to grandchildren, that's okay. Mom's response to all of this? "He loves you so much."

 

Very emotionally confusing stuff. And it helps to understand why me and my siblings have a broken compass when it comes to what is emotionally okay.

 

My coping mechanism is to run away and to be emotional distant and unavailable. I'm coming to understand myself a lot better as I've grown older. And I don't see it as my siblings or others all having problems. I see it today as my being so emotionally damaged that I can't handle the smallest of betrayals from people. Things that should be forgiven and overlooked because we are all human with our own baggage.

Everybody has baggage and I should be able to cope with that.

 

I am going to IC to help me get over this and enhance my ability to be open to others. I am exceedingly friendly and open (something of an open book IRL as I am here). I have no problems making friends. They just can't get close and I don't maintain long term friendships. I don't have "break ups" over disagreements. I simply get uncomfortable when anyone gets too close and I emotionally "run away."

 

Posting this about my family has actually helped me see how those dynamics related to my marital problems. The exercise of putting this here and out of my head where it forever pings, has helped me to understand something important about my marriage.

[nittygritty]

Thanks much for your response.

 

No. My brother does not have power of attorney. Actually, my mother is under the impression that she owns half the home. My mother is quite ignorant about finances. She is very dependant to the point that she has never driven. She is under the impression that my brother cannot do anything with the house without her signature. I am certain she is not aware of the line of credit he recently took out on the home.

 

My coping mechanism is to run away and to be emotional distant and unavailable. I'm coming to understand myself a lot better as I've grown older. And I don't see it as my siblings or others all having problems. I see it today as my being so emotionally damaged that I can't handle the smallest of betrayals from people. Things that should be forgiven and overlooked because we are all human with our own baggage.

Everybody has baggage and I should be able to cope with that.

 

I am going to IC to help me get over this and enhance my ability to be open to others. I am exceedingly friendly and open (something of an open book IRL as I am here). I have no problems making friends. They just can't get close and I don't maintain long term friendships. I don't have "break ups" over disagreements. I simply get uncomfortable when anyone gets too close and I emotionally "run away."

 

Your welcome, your mother may eventually qualify for state assistance for nursing home care, if that is ever needed, as long as she doesn't have any assets.

 

I'm glad your going to an IC, therapy can be very helpful. However, I don't think that your doing anything wrong by distancing yourself from toxic people, distancing yourself from everyone though is a problem and therapy can help with issues like that.

 

Good Luck and Take Care!

[East of Jupiter]

Your welcome, your mother may eventually qualify for state assistance for nursing home care, if that is ever needed, as long as she doesn't have any assets.

 

I'm glad your going to an IC, therapy can be very helpful. However, I don't think that your doing anything wrong by distancing yourself from toxic people, distancing yourself from everyone though is a problem and therapy can help with issues like that.

 

Good Luck and Take Care!

 

My mom will only go to a nursing home if I can't physical care for her with or without assistance. Her own mother lived with us or under our wing (she lived in her own apartment at 93) until her death.

 

It is so easy to believe you have yourself figured out. I fool myelf all the time.

 

Thanks for your well wishes. Despite my past, I think people in general are good and caring (thanks Mom!).