thojude Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 My wife had an affair 15 years ago, the guy was 10 years younger than I and looked like a male model, it was torture for me and just a passing fancy for him. My wife has always put it down as a "small mistake" and at no time has ever entered a serious discussion on it, knowing that my love would always find excuses for her. All these years on and another 2 kids later the pain appeared to have eventually diminished however, in this last month or so its came back almost as strong as when it happened. Thoughts of rage, humiliation and low self worth are prevelant, that gut wrenching feeling that ruins your appetite and feelings of intimacy. The thing is, there is no one to talk to about this because the events are so long ago, everyone imagines that its in the past and no good will come of raking it all up again, so why risk the family unit. I dont know if anyone out there has had a similar occurrence but their advice would be sorely appreciated. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 What brought it all up again so suddenly...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author thojude Posted August 4, 2007 Author Share Posted August 4, 2007 I honestly have no idea, I have suffered similar blue periods throughout the years but they are not as legthy or as intense as this. For the 1st time, Im questioning my decision, which I feel guilty for because if I had chosen a different path, I wouldn't have my 2 youngest boys. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 have you considered counselling... Funny that I suggest that since I don't believe in counselling but some people do and some say it helps... I say ... get a grip... control yourself... chase those thoughts...something definitely happened so these memories are back stronger than ever. You can't control the past.. it's done... you can only try to work on the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 It really sounds like you simply haven't reached the acceptance and forgiveness stage. Maybe you do actually need to talk to your wife about it and just explain to her how it's troubling you. You don't need to make a big deal out of it, just ask her to help you with it. Plus make sure she knows that you're not questioning HER because she's proved she is where she wants to be by being where she has been for the last 15 years. It seems to me to be more that you're questioning yourself - which means that the issues aren't resolved for you. Only you and she can resolve them as only you and she are involved in this. Swallowing your pain and hurt is not going to get better... this keeps coming back to bite your backside because it's not getting resolved. You need to resolve it somehow. For what it's worth though, I don't think you made the wrong decision at all. She's where she wants to be, if she weren't she'd have been long gone by now... cut her some slack and ask her to help you with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thojude Posted August 4, 2007 Author Share Posted August 4, 2007 Perhaps Ive given the impression that Im giving my wife a hard time throughout this however, Im long practiced in disguising these feelings and she is blissfully unaware. Im somewhat reluctant to put her through any pain, but given whats been said here, its become clear that to move on I may have to, tho I fully take on board the need to be gentle with these type of discussions, rather than accusatory. I honestly cannot put my finger on the cause of this recent upset and the blue periods I mentioned in the past, never co-incided with particular events. It is frustrating, when all you want to do is to get back to your life and not drag everybody down. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 No, the impression I had was that your wife probably was blissfully unaware of how you feel about things. But given the commitment she has shown you, how do you think she would feel knowing that you have had 15 years of unresolved hurt - which could probably have been resolved simply by an honest series of discussions about it. You're right, you would need to be gentle and non-accusatory. Something you need to think about though is that your wife has also worked hard to restore your trust in her. She has built a home and life around you and for you. What happened was a mistake to her - make sure she knows that you understand that and you are not laying blame, you just need help with resolving things for you so you can move on. I can't see how this is dragging everyone down, hopefully the renewed faith in each other by being able to ask each other for help and forgiveness is going to work in your favour and make things stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thojude Posted August 4, 2007 Author Share Posted August 4, 2007 Thanks Chinook, you've made a lot of sense and introduced avenues as yet unexplored, I shall try to summon the courage to face up to this and deal with it with your advice in mind. Im off to bed, hopefully in the morning I'll awake with a renewed sense of purpose, oh it is morning. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 Thanks Chinook, you've made a lot of sense and introduced avenues as yet unexplored, I shall try to summon the courage to face up to this and deal with it with your advice in mind. Im off to bed, hopefully in the morning I'll awake with a renewed sense of purpose, oh it is morning. Thanks again.Ah you're on my side of the world. I should go to bed too. Get some rest and please, let us know how you get along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thojude Posted August 4, 2007 Author Share Posted August 4, 2007 I will, nite nite and thanks. T Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts