i want to help?

[hurting friend]

I have this friend that happens to be younger then I by 6 years, he has relationship problems, he is not in one but he longs for one so bad. I feel for this guy because I really care about him alot. I try and help him by giving him advice. He always ends up with girls that are taken in a dating way or married. right now he is interested in my best friend but as far as I know she is not interested in him, she is also in another relationship that has been over a year long. I try and tell him not to chase her that there is no way. he says that he does not but I can see that he has it major over her. I have tried to tell him how to meet girls and all he says is that he has tried that. I do not like seeing him down. I know this guy pretty well because we were together for a few months.

Is there anyone that can help me on suggestions how how to help him meet a girl? he is shy and does not approch girls that much. he does not think to much of himself although he is a very good looking guy. he is a really nice guy too, i think that he is too nice, he gets taken for all the time.

please help me as I want to help him

thank you

[Tony T]

If there's somebody you happen to know who he might be interested in meeting, make the introduction. Otherwise, butt out of his romantic life.

 

It's really nice that you care but you have to understand that everybody has lessons to learn. If your friend has any brains at all, it won't take him real long to figure that getting involved with females who have girlfriends, who are married...or who are otherwise encumbered is very much a dead end. There is no way you can make this guy sane if he's somewhat slow upstairs. Let him figure this out all by himself.

 

Meanwhile, concentrate your efforts on finding or maintaining a nice relationship for yourself if you want or have one. Otherwise, be happy and don't make other people's problems your own.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Your friend will never find a good woman as long has he lacks confidence in himself. Looks are a plus but they are not everything, and it seems like he's chasing after girls who are already in relationships because if he could grab one of those girls, it boosts his confidence in himself. It sounds like your friend needs to do some work on himself before he becomes involved with someone else. If he's not straight with himself, it doesn't matter who you're going to fix him up with or who he ends up with. It's not going to work.

[Daremo]

Perhaps the best thing your friend can do is to learn to live his own life.

 

I think I know something of his pain, and the line above might seem like, while his house is on fire, I’m standing there saying, “Hey, don’t worry so much about it.”

 

He should develop himself, and understand himself – no easy task, I know.

 

When I was young, I spent so much time and energy longing, pining, for a relationship, and it never worked out. I never found the right person. (Found plenty of the wrong ones, though!)

 

At that age, Id’ve sworn up and down that I was just fine – but I wasn’t. I didn’t understand myself, and I didn’t know the gifts I had to give, and what my true strengths were. If I would’ve known, could’ve seen myself better, Id’ve “stepped back” a bit – not played hard to get – just not tried so hard…

 

We all give off a "vibe" and when I was younger, I think mine said, no screamed, "Desperate!"

 

There are many avenues…many ways to know oneself.

 

Again, I’m not discounting the pain he feels. He might read Joseph Campbell. “The Power of Myth” is a great place to start. It doesn’t directly address this issue in full, but he can learn about the creation myths of different cultures, and the myths of man and woman – two halves searching for completion, to become whole. It’s part of the human condition. Perhaps he will learn he is not alone in this.

 

Your friend needs to create himself, and create his life – a thing of celebration, of joy, of beauty. Perhaps he will then find he’s become truly attractive to others. His "vibe" will change, too!

 

The "philosopher" Roger Miller sang, "You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd...but you can be happy if you've a mind to..."

 

He might investigate religion and philosophy. Take away, for example, the weight of whether one goes to heaven or hell, and the teachings of Jesus are marvelous – they are about being honest, courageous, forthright, and compassionate (though I can claim no expertise in this area).

 

Buddhism teaches much about understanding oneself, and understanding suffering and the conditions of life. It also teaches a way “out” of suffering. (The Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path.)

 

There are many ways to meditate. Meditation, no matter the form, is really looking inward to understand oneself. Some may characterize this as selfish or evil (Satanic).

It is in knowing oneself that one may understand others. The sage Lao Tsu wrote, “Without going outside, you may know the whole world.” Jesus said, “The Kingdom of God is within.” What might He have meant by that? What did Lao Tsu mean?

 

What is true compassion? What might that mean to your friend and to others? (The Buddha said, "If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.")

 

It’s good that you stand by your friend and support him. It’s good that you’re trying to help. Continue to help if you can – but your friend will have to do the “heavy lifting.”

He will need to learn and grow and change…just as we all do.

 

Best regards,

Daremo