Ever thought about cheating?

[Mr M.]

My name is…….well, call me Mr M. for now. I am in my early 30s, I was born and raised in Europe, very well educated, and I have been with my wife for about 9 years. We get along great because she is intelligent, attractive and, truly, my best friend. Our relationship is not perfect of course, but we make a really good team but………….as the time goes by I feel more and more attracted to other women. It’s just physical attraction, I don’t want or need another relationship. Let’s get this straight: I AM CURIOUS (RATHER SERIOUS) ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH SOMEBODY ELSE!!! Guys (and girls, of course), come on, I know that there are millions of you out there that feel the same way. Therefore, this blog is directed to you. I want to know your voice, whether or not you think it’s acceptable to “do it” with somebody else other than your wife (all right, let’s call it “cheating on your wife”), if you think that my attraction for other woman is just an animal instinct that I should repress, or a natural curiosity that I should satisfy. Should I talk to my wife about this to the risk of loosing her, or should I just have my sexual escapade and get it over with? There is a lot to talk about and I’d like to know your opinion. Gotta go know, my lovely wife is calling : )

[Mr M.]

BTW, how the heck do you include pics on this forum?

[Krytellan]

First of all, NO, I don't think you should do it.

 

Now of course it's natural to want to be with other women in a purely physical way. It's part of being human. The difference between cheaters and non-cheaters is not the presence of the thoughts but rather the decision whether to follow through on the thoughts that they have.

 

I was married. And while I was married I met other women that I would think about being with, though the nature of my relationship pushed me even further into these thoughts.

 

What are you getting at? There is a small population (women) that will say you're evil for having these thoughts... that's natural. Most people will acknowledge that it's a natural and healthy urge, and some will say you should do it if you're not happy.

 

I guess I'm rather amused/saddened by the whimsical nature of your post. You don't really seem to be able to understand your feelings and urges and how they relate to your situation. People will tell you many things, and you will always find some that support what you are thinking and you will choose to listen to those people. So what are you thinking about it?

[Mr M.]

Finally an intelligent conversation about this topic. Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate your honesty. You know, it's rather difficult to talk about this with friends without being judged, and for a long time I have been dealing with it alone, and this is probably becoming the main problem. I basically would like to be able to talk about it openly and to hear what other people has to say. I have always been rather shy with woman and before getting married I haven’t been in many serious or non-serious relationships. I now feel as if I haven’t experienced enough when I was in my 20s (now I am 30)……although, believe me, I had plenty of opportunities!

 

“You don't really seem to be able to understand your feelings and urges and how they relate to your situation.”

 

Well, I do and I don’t.

 

I do: I understand that, as you said, it’s a perfectly natural reaction to be attracted by a beautiful woman……….and here in southern California there are soooooooo many (mostly shallow, but what beautiful bodies!!! : )

 

I do not: it’s rather difficult for me to shut down my urge to have sex with another woman on the basis of a logical argument (see the “I do” part above : ) I know that having even a one night stand, or a fling, would be risky but the thought of not being able to satisfy my sexual curiosity for the rest of my life keep the curiosity alive.

 

“People will tell you many things, and you will always find some that support what you are thinking and you will choose to listen to those people.”

 

True, but there’s always other people that criticize the way you think and instill doubts in your brain. However, I don’t want to base my decision on other people opinions. I just would like to hear somebody else thoughts to refine mine.

 

“So what are you thinking about it?”

 

I seriously think that sooner or later I am going to have sex (just sex) with another woman……..well, I am 80% sure of it : )

 

Thanks again for your reply!

 

M.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Is there a particular woman around you that you are attracted to or are you fantasizing about other woman in general (like any will do)?

[Krytellan]

Well considering what I'm reading, I'm sorry you are where you're at and I'm sorry you married at 21 (or at least committed).

 

I would think that there aren't a lot of men who get the "boinking random women" thing out of their system. Those that do achieve that satisfactory level probably find themselves old and lonely.

 

There is no one that can police your desires and need to have sex with other women. It seems that you have already accepted that failure (in the fidelity sense) is an acceptable option. Are you giving yourself no credit here or are you simply convincing yourself that it's OK to do?

 

So tell me where you are with your wife. Based on your posting, you either:

Have little or no respect for her as an emotional human being

Are flat out sorry you married her for whatever reason

Love her and don't want to hurt her but...

So where does she fit into all of this? Is she nothing but a meaningless pawn in your quest for fulfillment of sexual needs?

[Mr M.]

“Well considering what I'm reading, I'm sorry you are where you're at and I'm sorry you married at 21 (or at least committed)”

 

I got married about 2 years ago but I have been with her for almost 10 years, actually.

 

“I would think that there aren't a lot of men who get the "boinking random women" thing out of their system. Those that do achieve that satisfactory level probably find themselves old and lonely.”

 

I agree with this. Most men that are just looking to get “the "boinking random women" thing out of their system” (LOL) have not much else to offer other that a “boinking penis”. I work out regularly at the local gym and see plenty of unmarried men in their 50s that are always bragging about how many women they have banged (or “boinked” : ) and how happy they are with being single. Truth is…………they are not! And I see/understand that.

 

“There is no one that can police your desires and need to have sex with other women. It seems that you have already accepted that failure (in the fidelity sense) is an acceptable option.”

 

Ok, I do believe in a rather difficult concept to write about in words. It is my personal opinion that happiness (or peace, or emancipation, or joy, or equilibrium, or however you want to call it) is a balance between opposites. I wouldn’t be so ready to call “having sex with another woman” a “failure (in the fidelity sense)”. What if (hypothetically speaking) having an affair will teach me that my wife is all I want/need? (again, throughout my life I haven’t been with many women, and I regret it now) What if, having an affair will make me realize that all of the hypes about “having sex with another woman” are only in my head? What if, having sex with another woman (let’s say) once per year is what I really need to be happy? On the other hand: what if I get caught by my wife and she leaves me? Please note that I am not trying to attack your point of view…..I do respect it very much. It’s just that “cheating is bad, period” is a concept that I am not too sure about and that I feel challenging. In many cases I do separate sex from love and I think that if my wife told me that she would like to experience sex with another man I might be willing to accept that.

 

“So tell me where you are with your wife. Based on your posting, you either:

Have little or no respect for her as an emotional human being

Are flat out sorry you married her for whatever reason

Love her and don't want to hurt her but...

So where does she fit into all of this? Is she nothing but a meaningless pawn in your quest for fulfillment of sexual needs?”

 

That’s where the misunderstanding part comes into place. As you read in my initial post I do love her and respect her very much……we do love each other very much, in fact. She is a wonderful person and, truly, my best friend. Her thoughts are rather progressive and I might even think about asking her to add, occasionally, a third person to our sex life (and yes, in order to have a fair deal this ”special guest” might have to be a guy, at times). But how do you approach a suggestion like this? You really have to “carpe diem” if you want her to accept this “indecent proposal” (and why is it so indecent after all?)……and she might accept it. There you go, maybe the best thing to do is to have an open dialogue with her about this……but I DO fear about her reaction and DO NOT have the balls to start this conversation yet. Looking forward to your reply!

[Mr M.]

Dear SadandConfusedWA

 

hopefully you won't think badly of me, but what I am just looking for is a purely sexual thing. I have even been thinking..........I know you are not going to like this...........about hiring an escort for a night. I am just worried about diseases and, possibly, getting a police decoy instead (it has happened!).

 

Hey, at least appreciate my honesty. Most men think exactly what I am thinking but still ignore these kinds of feelings/thoughts (or at least they pretend to ignore them in front of other people.........I know I do in real life). Anyway, thanks a lot for your reply!

 

M

[Krytellan]

Well, I entertained your "intellectual discourse on the topic of cheating" and all the valuable lessons that you can learn in this endeavor. I guess I have no more constructive comments to add.

 

All I can say is that I feel bad for your wife. I wish she could have had a better sense of the person she was marrying 2 years ago. The coldness in which you can discuss premeditated cheating is disturbing and I hope you don't damage her too much in the process.

 

Have fun in your quest.

[mental_traveller]

Yeah I have thought about it, but not gone ahead with it or planned to. If I'm attracted by some woman I meet, whilst I'm already in a relationship, then sure I am going to be wondering what it would be like to do it with her. That's just called having a normal sex drive. The difference is whether you act on it or not.

 

Personally I'd recommend not cheating. Why not talk with your wife and say your sex drive has gotten higher and you need to do more to keep satisfied, try to persuade her to have sex more often, or in more interesting and varied ways. Don't tell me she is already cooking in her underwear or swinging from the chandeliers every night? So, there's always room for improvement Great sex in a relationship is better than the occasional one night stand or affair.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Be careful what you wish for.

 

I was in a situation like that. Married for some years, and my H came to me and asked for an open marriage. I gave him one, thinking that it could work since we had such a strong connection outside of the whole fidelity thing. He dated, I didn't - he suggested that I start seeing his friend and so I did. Two years later, I am involved seriously with that friend, on my way to a new life with him, and going through a divorce.

 

I wanted a man who wanted to stay with and be happy with me - not a man who wanted sex with other women and wanted to stay with me. I am still as close to stbxH as I ever was, but he let my heart go when he involved other women. I expect your wife would do the same. If you let her heart go, be aware that someone is probably right around the corner ready to give her what you can't - and given the choice between a philanderer and someone who wants only her, well... what do you think her choice would be? Can you blame her?

[Trialbyfire]

That’s where the misunderstanding part comes into place. As you read in my initial post I do love her and respect her very much……we do love each other very much, in fact. She is a wonderful person and, truly, my best friend. Her thoughts are rather progressive and I might even think about asking her to add, occasionally, a third person to our sex life (and yes, in order to have a fair deal this ”special guest” might have to be a guy, at times). But how do you approach a suggestion like this? You really have to “carpe diem” if you want her to accept this “indecent proposal” (and why is it so indecent after all?)……and she might accept it. There you go, maybe the best thing to do is to have an open dialogue with her about this……but I DO fear about her reaction and DO NOT have the balls to start this conversation yet. Looking forward to your reply!

OP, this portion of your post really bothers me.

 

You have a wonderful wife and relationship. That you would be willing to potentially throw this all away for some quickie sexual gratification, defeats me. That you don't have the courage to discuss it, makes it even less palatable. Don't you see how selfish you're being by putting your superficial physical needs above the relationship?

[2sunny]

young folks should get all those wild hairs out of their system BEFORE they think about being married.

 

what you are considering will only be hurtful to everyone around you in the end.

 

here - in cali - yes, there are many beautiful people to look at - but god, when you are married - just use it as your fantasy - so as not to be hurting the ones you love and claim to respect.

 

that is what self control is all about.

[Mr M.]

To all repliers,

 

I would like to thank you all for your comments and suggestions. Please understand that I am not premeditating any cheating. I just think that if things keep going the way they are I am ~80% sure (that's the much or less random number I came out with before) that sooner or later I will satisfy my curiosity. When? I don't even know! I haven't talked to anyone about my "problem" (well, it's just a curiosity after all) and my replies to your previous comments were basically me thinking out loud about what is going on in my head on the topic of cheating. The way I am approaching the matter is still a work in progress......and, yes I always keep in mind that my wife's happiness and our life together is the most important thing. Am I selfish? Maybe a little, but not more than anybody else.

 

About the comments on an open marriage. They are very right. Based on your experience I guess that separating sex from love is not that easy. But doesn't that make you think about the nature of relationships and human nature in general? What would happen to a perfectly balanced relationship if, let's say, the hubby's "pee-pee" "fells off" (for any reason) and he cannot perform anymore? The politically correct answer is, of course, that wifey will stay with him no matter what. The non-politically correct one is that she is going to find an excuse to move on.........I have seen both happening. Anyway, thanks again for your comments and help. You are giving me good ideas to think about........very much appreciated!

[IpAncA]

To all repliers,

 

I would like to thank you all for your comments and suggestions. Please understand that I am not premeditating any cheating. I just think that if things keep going the way they are I am ~80% sure (that's the much or less random number I came out with before) that sooner or later I will satisfy my curiosity. When? I don't even know! I haven't talked to anyone about my "problem" (well, it's just a curiosity after all) and my replies to your previous comments were basically me thinking out loud about what is going on in my head on the topic of cheating. The way I am approaching the matter is still a work in progress......and, yes I always keep in mind that my wife's happiness and our life together is the most important thing. Am I selfish? Maybe a little, but not more than anybody else.

 

This is horrible Mr. M. 80% sure? Are you sure your marriage is all peachy in and out of the bedroom? You can't have respect for your W and marriage if you cheat. You just can't.

 

If your going to do this, let your W know. I'm sure she'd like to chime in.

[pricillia]

This is horrible Mr. M. 80% sure? Are you sure your marriage is all peachy in and out of the bedroom? You can't have respect for your W and marriage if you cheat. You just can't.

 

If your going to do this, let your W know. I'm sure she'd like to chime in.

 

he said that this is mostly sexual... so is he still attracted to his wife?

[IpAncA]

he said that this is mostly sexual... so is he still attracted to his wife?

 

How the heck should I know. Hey want some stats on whether or not I think he is?

[Mr M.]

I said 80% just to trow a number out there and to convey the idea that I if don't find a better solution to this curiosity of mine (that isn't just "do it and find out how it is like") sooner or later I am probably going to have sex with somebody else......just to get it over with. However, I have also said that I am still trying to figure this problem out. Peace!

 

No, my marriage is not all roses and rainbows, but it's really good......even under the covers : )

[Mr M.]

and yes.........I am still very attracted to my wife, very much so. I have a very high sexual drive and am just curious about sex with other woman. I tell you I am not a badass or a bad guy.....just very inquisitive. Peace!

[pricillia]

How the heck should I know. Hey want some stats on whether or not I think he is?

 

 

silly...

 

 

yes we can take a 1 person Pole...

 

I mean Poll

[Chinook]

and yes.........I am still very attracted to my wife, very much so. I have a very high sexual drive and am just curious about sex with other woman. I tell you I am not a badass or a bad guy.....just very inquisitive. Peace!

If that's your feeling on things... write that statement down and take it to your wife and discuss it with her and see how she feels about it. Then also try to explain to her how you're not certain that you will do it but you might be 80% sure.

 

If I was your wife and I had that kind of knowledge about you, I'd be outta there. Like Lucrezia said, be careful what you wish for. The fantasy is rarely any place near the reality. You only have to look at the OW/OM and Infidelity boards to see how much pain, anguish and torment is caused by guys 'just testing it out'.

[Krytellan]

You have to be posting this just to get a reaction, right?

[IpAncA]

and yes.........I am still very attracted to my wife, very much so. I have a very high sexual drive and am just curious about sex with other woman. I tell you I am not a badass or a bad guy.....just very inquisitive. Peace!

So have you never been with someone else other than your wife? I don't know because I'm not sure what you trying to gain out of this that's makes any rational sense.

[pricillia]

You have to be posting this just to get a reaction, right?

 

I would like to know exactly what Mr. M is curious about, is it the whole body of a woman, ie her smell/feel , inside and out, her style...

 

I just caution you say it is just for sex however you could still get emotionally attached.

[Mr M.]

“If I was your wife and I had that kind of knowledge about you, I'd be outta there.”

 

Rather than helping me to understand why I feel like that? Again, I am not a bad person and I have a lot to offer as a human being, to my wife and to others. Do not judge me so quickly.

 

 

“Like Lucrezia said, be careful what you wish for. The fantasy is rarely any place near the reality. You only have to look at the OW/OM and Infidelity boards to see how much pain, anguish and torment is caused by guys 'just testing it out'.”

 

Excellent suggestion, I will check it out. I am new to these boards/forums; could you suggest any discussion in particular? BTW, why are you girls so interested in these topics? Not judging, just wondering. Are you married, in a serious relationship, divorced, other?

 

“You have to be posting this just to get a reaction, right?”

 

If you mean that I want to hear what other people has to say on the topic, and I’d like to learn for their suggestions/comments/topics…..then yes. If you think I am just trying to provoke other members of this community…just for shock value, or whatever…..then no.

 

“So have you never been with someone else other than your wife? I don't know because I'm not sure what you trying to gain out of this that's makes any rational sense.”

 

I had a complete sexual relationship with only one other woman + oral sex with 2 other people. I am very shy and growing up I have been thought that pre marital sex is bad…..refer to me as a recovering Christian if you wish….no offense if you are Christian. Also, I do believe that “happiness is a balance between opposites”, a statement that is not very logical at first but that, with time, I found out to be very true. Who said that angels and demons cannot co-exist? They are mutually dependent on each other, after all. I am not trying to get philosophical to justify the way I feel. I just would like you to know my point of view. Thanks again for all of your comments and, to be honest, I feel that discussing about this with you is already helping me a lot…….I do appreciate your opinions!