Should I confront her about flirting/cybering with my fiancé?

[mandy2]

My fiance is flirting at work, I seen some of his email and they seem to be cybering not flirting. I confronted him about it, he said it was just flirting, but it looked like cybering to me. He promised and sworn not to do it again. He has not broken a promise so i forgave him.

I will like to know if it’s appropriate that I confront her about it also. I very much want to do that. She knows we are engaged so I don’t understand why would anyone cyber with someone that is involved, plus she has he own boyfriend. i want to know from her what her intentions are.

(fyi: she asked him to move in with her as a roommate,knowing he lives with me)

[LucreziaBorgia]

You can confront her, but it won't have any effect. As long as your boyfriend gives her the green light, she will have no interest or motivation in stopping. The only way to get her to stop would be to have your boyfriend be the one to tell her to leave him alone, and not speak to him again. He has to mean it though. More than one wayward guy has given a public brushoff to the OW, only to privately reestablish contact and continue the affair.

 

Oh... and don't marry this guy. He is nowhere near ready to marry you if he is doing this, and at the same time downplaying marriage and ring-wearing. He may have promised not to do it again, but promises are just words, and words are cheap. At this point, you need to see action:

 

He needs to firmly and irrevocably, and with no 'friends' option dump this OW followed up by strict no contact. He has to be fairly harsh about it, with an edge of humiliation. Otherwise, the OW will think she 'still has a chance' and will continue to pursue him.

 

Then... if you are still considering marriage I would not suggest doing it without a few rounds of premarital counseling, to find out where this urge to cheat and prevaricate comes from. All that 'forgiving' will do is enable him to do it further since its apparent that he got away with it. Why wouldn't he do it again? Attack the issue, root it out and work it out. Do not get married to this guy until you do.

[Trialbyfire]

This is a personal decision. You will probably receive advice from people that say not to and some that will say it, do it. It's your personality that will dictate what you're willing to live with. If you choose to do it, do it because it helps you, in effect, empowers you. It will not change the other person, beyond a potential momentary embarrassment or anger.

 

Keep in mind that whatever you choose to do, taking back a cheater isn't an easy thing to do. Once trust is lost in a relationship, it's an uphill battle to regain it.

[squeak]

Hi Mandy, I don't know the difference between cybering and flirting, but I don't think confronting her is a good idea as your BF had written her something about how he liked when she talked dirty and he wanted to make her hot and sweaty.

 

Confronting another girl only works when you BF/fiance is not encouraging her in any way.

 

She is going to say something to make you feel really dumb. Your BF is the problem, not her. I understand you are pregnant, and the instinct to fight the other female is strong, but she will laugh at you and tell you "why should I back off when your BF is saying all those things to me".

 

I can honestly say if I ever saw proof like that, I would walk. It worries me that you are not.....

[mandy2]

I already had come to the conclusion that I can’t live like this I no longer trust him. And I don’t feel comfortable calling him sweetheart for example cause she called him that. I am now want closure and want to irritate her at lease to make me feel better. But I still care for him and don’t want to get him fired. i am already making plans to leave. just playing along for right now till i find a place.

[squeak]

Ah, good for you! In that case I can understand, you just don't want to feel victimized in any way and want to unload.

 

It is still tricky because whatever you say , if you were going to, has to be said in a way she can't say things to you that will hurt you more and make you want to escalate it into a fight.

 

How about telling herBF instead? Present him with all the facts in a calm manner. Even if you have to do a lot of sleuthing to find out who he is. I think it will make you feel better to mess up her relationship too, an eye for an eye.....and you would be doing a public service by letting him know too.

[whichwayisup]

(fyi: she asked him to move in with her as a roommate,knowing he lives with me)

 

She doesn't give a crap about the fact you two are together, she wants him and she isn't going to stop until HE tells her goodbye and stops talking to her completely.

 

Don't marry this guy until you two have patched things up enough that your trust in him is back.

 

Anyway, I did reply to your other thread too...

[bish]

My fiance is flirting at work, I seen some of his email and they seem to be cybering not flirting. I confronted him about it, he said it was just flirting, but it looked like cybering to me. He promised and sworn not to do it again. He has not broken a promise so i forgave him.

I will like to know if it’s appropriate that I confront her about it also. I very much want to do that. She knows we are engaged so I don’t understand why would anyone cyber with someone that is involved, plus she has he own boyfriend. i want to know from her what her intentions are.

(fyi: she asked him to move in with her as a roommate,knowing he lives with me)

 

You're goddamn right you confront her. Let them both know you aren't a freakin' fool