BF is a little controlling

[Diva]

Hi, I'm new here. This is probably going to seen like a strange problem, but here goes:

 

(Just to preface, other than this weird quirk of his, I am generally pretty happy with my BF, and we have a good relationship)

 

My boyfriend (we'll call him Bill) is a little controlling. But not in the usual ways. He isn't jealous or possessive or anything like that. But it seems like he wants me to like everything he likes and be interested in everything he is interested in. He is always giving me books he thinks I should read. And if I don't read it immediately and/or fall in love with it the same way he did, he gets hurt. He is constantly trying to get me to go and see performances or speakers or whatever that he is sure "I will love." Well, I am not opposed to having him recommend things to me, and I do go and participate in and see alot of this stuff he wants to do. But once in a while, I have no interest in something he comes up with, but if I try to say, "no thanks, I'm going to pass" it becomes a big argument. He can't let it drop. He makes it seem like I am personally rejecting him if I reject anything he thinks I should want to go to.

 

Last night it finally came out. He wants to go see this favorite author of his who is coming to speak in our area. The guy is speaking in the middle of the afternoon, in a place that is at least an hour away from where I live and work, which would mean I'd have to take off the whole afternoon from work. So I said, no, I won't be going, sorry. He kept arguing and telling me how great this guy is and I just don't understand what I'm saying no to, this is an opportunity that doesn't come around every day, and if I go to see it I will wonder why I ever considered not going, etc. etc.

 

I continue to repeat "no, I'm not going." about 5 more times and then he says, "I'm going to go ahead and make reservations for two anyway, and if you decide not to go, I can cancel it later." I was fed up. I said, "No, Bill. Don't make a reservation for me. I am NOT GOING." I did not raise my voice, but he could tell I was annoyed. He was dumbfounded that I was irritated. "Why are you being so adamant about this? You even sound resentful about it."

 

I WAS resentful. I was resentful that I can never say no to anything and have him accept that I mean it. It's like instead of "no" he hears, "Well maybe I could be persuaded if you argue with me about it for the next 15 minutes." I was resentful that he can't accept the fact that I am not interested in everything he's interested in, and I have my own priorities, and I want him to respect our differences.

 

So I said, "Why are YOU so adamant that I HAVE to go to this thing?" And he said something like, "I would think you should trust me and if I am telling you this is something that you should go to and it's worth taking the afternoon off work, you should believe me." I didn't even know how to respond to that. It's like saying, "If you really loved me, you would do what I tell you to do." I didn't appreciate the emotional blackmail. I also didn't appreciate the insinuation that if I refuse to go see some author, I am personally rejecting him or calling him a moron or something. I just didn't want to go! Why is this a crime?

 

Anyway, I basically responded that the reason I seemed resentful was that I was tired of feeling obligated to do all these things just because he thinks I should and he will get upset if I don't, and I wish he could let me have my own interests and not try to force me to have his. There was dead silence on the other end of the line, then he immediately changed the subject and never mentioned it again. I know he thinks I am being completely unreasonable, but in my opinion, he is the one who is being unreasonable.

 

I am sure this will come up again, and I would appreciate any advice on how to present my case or how to deal with this. Because if he gives me one more book that I "have" to read, I am going to lose it.

[Tony T]

My advice is to dump this guy. He is one of the most discourteous and inconsiderate jerks I've heard described on this board.

 

The two of you have no future anyway. I'm sure you would not want to see any children of yours abused by a father who insisted they do every stupid theing HE wanted them to do, regardless of their feelings, and the way HE wanted them done...and when. He could ruin perfectly fine children...YOUR future children....and damage them for all time.

 

At least you are adult and have the ability to say no. This personality aspect, which is not likely to ever change, will cause your resentment to grow until the you must end the relationship anyway. As a matter of fact, I can't believe you have hung in there as long as you have. This is truly annoying and a personality trait that almost any person would be totally repulsed by.

 

Now, if you are getting extra good sex, extra great emotional support, and extra great other benefits out of your relationship with him then you may decide that these unrelenting attempts to control you are a fair price to pay for the good parts of your association with him. But you have to think long and hard. Maybe right now, you're getting lots goodies that keep you around him...but will you keep getting them???

 

Unless there are major and compelling reasons why you want to remain with him, it's my feeling that staying with a guy like this is just plain nuts. He could care less about your feelings and has no respect for your likes and dislikes, which means he has NO RESPECT FOR YOU!!!

 

I think he's a spoiled rotten, inconsiderate jerk...and that's putting it a lot nicer than I really feel.

[HokeyReligions]

Wow. In the beginning of our relationship my husband and I were always trying to get the other to join in and do whatever we were interested in. I drug him around to some places he didn't want to go, and vice versa.

 

We stepped on each others feeling a little bit and it was sometimes difficult to not take it personally. But we talked about it, a lot, and finally it resolved itself.

 

Does your bf go and do what he wanted even if say no and don't go? If he would rather not go/do if you are not with him, then you might want to get some counseling - it sounds a bit like a co-dependent relationship starting.

 

He's got to understand that being a couple doesn't mean to you have to be joined at the hip! Does he go places with you? Read any books or see movies that YOU recommend?

 

Be honest and tell him that it feels like a controlling relationship and you want no part of that. Remind him that you were an independent person, with your own likes/dislikes and priorities when you two met and that has not and will not change.

[quankanne]

good thinking, answering him by saying you didn't appreciate him make you feel obligated to do things just because he said you should. Every time he does that, give him the same answer, maybe he'll get the idea that you like your independence to see, read and think how you!

 

if that doesn't work, be a pain in the ass just like he is. When he's all content, start complaining. My pet peeve is when my husband tells me how to drive. I realize that I'm not as good a driver as him, and understand that he sometimes is uncomfortable when I'm behind the wheel. But I'm not inexperienced, you know? I drive through downtown traffic in the middle of the day more often than he does, and I've been to see my parents alone far more often than he's come with me, and I think I've found a good route for the six-hour drive, so I know what I'm talking about. So whenever he starts complaining, I just wait until he's in the driver's seat and least expecting to hear me rag about HIS driving skills. Yes, it's childish, but I tell him that I'm just giving him a big dose of bitchy back-seat driving that he always manages dishes out, and he gets the idea ... for a while!

 

frankly, though, I think Tony's got the right idea -- you need to dump this guy. It's usually not a good sign when someone is trying to mold you into something they want you to be, instead of accepting you for who you are. Especially when he can't respect your opinion on what you prefer to do.

[Ally Boo]

This guy MUST be a salesman, or has a background in sales. He just doesn't get that you can't apply those principles to relationships...ick

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Continue to let him know that just because you don't like something he does or is interested in, it doesn't mean that you don't like him. My husband and I been through this at the beginning of our marriage. He loves watching medical, sci-fi and animal shows....all the shows I do not like watching. And all the shows I like watching he doesn't particularly care for. Now don't get me wrong, there are shows we like watching together. But he feels good when I watch his shows with him, and I feel good when I watch his shows with him. It's all about compromise and sacrifice. You're not going to like everything your mate likes, and the mate needs to accept that. At the same time however, its good when you can do something your mate does that you don't necessarily like or not necessarily interested in. That's where compromising comes it. Do you do anything your guy likes that you don't like? Or do you refrain from doing things he likes that you don't like?

[Just A Girl2]

I can't even begin to understand what would possess your guy to have the audacity to EXPECT that you would bloody well take an afternoon off of WORK, to see some author that he likes, speak. How bent is that? The guy has some major brass ba11s! That is so totally out of line, not to mention strange. I'm glad you stood up for yourself and put your foot down, but his reaction to your having done this, it's weird.

 

This all might be about him wanting to control you, but a good bit of it could also be that he's trying to *change* you into someone other than who you are.........he wants you to fit his wacky little mould of who his girlfriend should be, what her interests should be, etc. That's creepy, IMO.

 

I once dated a guy who initially had me thinking he was just a really great guy. Not long after we started seeing each other, he told me that he had the entire video collection of John Gray's (author of books such as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, etc)...all about relationships. One weekend when I was visiting him, he really wanted me to watch all 7 or 8 of them. Having never dated a guy who seemed interested in understanding relationships/the differences between men and women, etc., I was quite impressed...........but as time passed, I learned that he was simply trying to control me......and in actual fact, he figured that HE was an expert on relationships *cough cough* and that everyone other than him needed to be educated on relationships.........what a dork.

 

I'm always very turned off by people (whether a friend or boyfriend) who try to push their interests/beliefs/hobbies/etc., in my face. I think it's amazingly insulting and rude. We're all individuals with individual tastes, interests, values, likes, etc....and being in a relationship shouldn't be synonymous with being your partner's "clone".......or not having the freedom to just be yourself.

 

There's a big difference between compromising and being openminded to trying new things, and having things shoved down your throat and guilted and pushed into things.

 

You mentioned in the beginning of your post that other than this quirk you were "pretty happy" with your b/f. "Pretty happy" doesn't sound all that happy to me...so what are some other areas that aren't all that great?

 

Any knowledge of your b/f's past relationship history? I'd be curious to know if he was like this in past relationships.

 

How old is he?

 

I'd be really leary of a man who was THIS manipulative (cuz that's what it is) and pushy and unable to respect you. Could be just the beginning of a relationship in which he wants you to be his Siamese Twin, and he wants to totally isolate you....and wanting you to totally give up your own IDENTITY and independence.

 

How much do you two have in common?

 

Has he always been the way you describe or is this a new thing? If it's not new, is he getting worse?

[Diva]

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

This all might be about him wanting to control you, but a good bit of it could also be that he's trying to *change* you into someone other than who you are.........he wants you to fit his wacky little mould of who his girlfriend should be, what her interests should be, etc. That's creepy, IMO.

 

Yeah, that's how it makes me feel, which is why I get so pissed off about it. But I think what it comes down to is his perception of what being in a relationship is about. He seems to have a much more sharing and becoming interested in everything the other person is interested in kind of view, whereas I am much more independent. He doesn't see it as being controlling, he just gets really excited and passionate about stuff and wants to share it and wants to have someone to talk to about it, and doesn't realize he's being very pushy.

 

And I don't want to give the wrong impression that he isn't willing to do things I want to do. I honestly think he would do anything I asked him to do with me, even if he doesn't want to. For instance, he is taking up swing dancing, because it's something I did long before he met me, although I never asked or expected him to. And if I ever say, "I'd like to go see such-and-such" he always readily agrees. I think his opinion is that a good SO should always be agreeable to doing whatever with SO if she asks, and the flip side is, he expects the same of me, and if I don't want to, I think in his mind that means I don't really care about him as much as he does about me. In my mind, I show my consideration by not asking or expecting him to accompany me to anything if he doesn't want to. He never says no, but I always let him know he can say no if he wants and I am fine with that. I think he sees the whole sharing of interests thing as vitally important to us growing together as a couple, and so that I can better understand him and he me, etc. Which I agree with to a point, but for me, I need to keep some autonomy.

 

I have thought of turning the tables on him and telling him he has to read a book of my choosing if he expects me to read one of his, but that probably wouldn't bother him, and he'd go ahead and do it. Plus he seems to find more time to read than I do because he reads more than anyone I know, so he'd be at the advantage and be giving me a new one before I halfway finished the last one .

 

You mentioned in the beginning of your post that other than this quirk you were "pretty happy" with your b/f. "Pretty happy" doesn't sound all that happy to me...so what are some other areas that aren't all that great?

 

It's mostly this habit of his, although like any relationship it's not perfect. He's kind of sloppy, his driving scares me sometimes, he and I have different spending habits, he's a bit more conservative than me so our political views aren't totally in sync, the usual stuff. And I certainly know I'm not perfect, I have some annoying habits and personality traits too. But this is the one thing we argue about, probably because it's a fundamental difference we have about what relationships are about and how they should work, the other stuff is minor annoyances.

 

Any knowledge of your b/f's past relationship history? I'd be curious to know if he was like this in past relationships.

 

I know a bit about his past relationships, but I don't know whether he did this to the others. If he did, they obviously didn't break him of the habit. He only had one really serious long-term relationship, and from what he's told me and I've heard from his family members, she was manic-depressive, and the b!tch from he!! and they thankfully broke up.

 

I think he's actually gotten the point since the whole "author lecture incident", since when I talked to him a couple days ago, he mentioned a couple things he wanted to do and prefaced it with, "But I don't know if that would be something you would be interested in, so maybe that's something I should do on my own." And not in a snotty way or anything, just mentioning it. So maybe he will stop pressuring me about this type of stuff.

 

I just sense that although he will go along with it, he still doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to share the stuff he is passionate about, and probably is not happy about it. Hopefully he will get over that and realize that it's healthy to have separate interests, and it doesn't mean I don't care.