I need advise about mother

[Lucky555]

I can't stand her i dont know why but i am 22, very responsible and have a lot of etiquette. My friends think that i am not the typical 22 yr old because i act like i am 30. well, besides it all, I can't get away from my mom. I love her i do,but we have nothing in common. I have been sick for the past 2 years from an accident and now i am fully recovered, slight discomfort with my neck but considering everything i want to live my life now. Everytime i try to talk to my mom she always says something negative. Ever since i remember she has been critiquing me which has made me very self conscious. I am emotionally tossed because of my insecurities. "You look fat" "you should watch what you eat" "you shouldn't wear that" "don't swear" "girls belong in the kitchen" OMG i am so glad i am getting an education. Pursing my masters right now however i have to live at home because i cant afford to work and take my classes at the same time. The commuting takes up all my time! So recently i have been working and studying a really hard science class. I rarely see my friends, and this weekend i spent the night at my friends house "she" and i had a great time. I made sure to let my parents know who i was with and i had my cell, but like always my mother calls it while i am out with my friends! Its so embarrassing!!! I dont know what to do so i dont pick up. I hate that i am on this "tight rope" and if i fall i am afraid i might get beaten or something. My mom can get violent and she hates listening to me. I can talk calmly to my mom but she only yells and i think she might be jealous! My mom doesnt have any friends at all! We have nothing in common, i am just so sick of it. I can't listen to her because she is always OBSESSING about everyone elses problems and then drilling them into me. I plead to her to just leave me out of it since i have to focus on studies and work. I can talk to my friends i love my friends! On top of everything she doesnt want me to have a boyfriend!! AHHH, i would seriously not allow this. I don't introduce guys unless i think they have potential, which is why i date first. I don't feel comfortable talking to my mom because she panics, and obsesses. I just feel like i dont care anymore but i do, because i have to live with her. I want my degree more than anything, however i have to have a piece of mind. Just chilling with my friends gives me something to look foward to and we share our stresses, i feel releived. I tell this to her and she says she doesnt care. I reallllly need help. ADVISE PLEASE! Controlling, obsessive, mother!! (oh yeah she is also afraid of me running off and getting married which i would love to do) lol please help!

[East of Jupiter]

It's hard to say what is going on with your Mom.

 

But she sounds scared. Scared people are afraid to let go. They occupy themselves with other people (critical) to avoid their own (self) reflection. Often, what they say about others, is what they fear about themselves.

 

I have a simple suggestion and a more difficult one.

 

Simple: Whenever your Mom says something critical about you or others, compliment her. It's not as hard as you think if you are sincere. Maybe it was last night's dinner, or her new slippers or the way her hair looks that day. This will throw her off. I practice this with my own Mom a lot. She's lovely but highly critical, usually as a result of any perceived rejection by anyone.

 

This may also throw your brain off of focusing on her negativity and the possibility that you may be internalizing her negative remarks about you. Which even if you know are not true, coming from a mom, can play a long time in your head.

 

You describe more my father and while I had few choices as young, once I was able to, I put as much distance as I could between us.

 

Hard: See a therapist to help you process your complicated feelings toward you mom; you love her but don't like her. You may not be able to do this now (you can always ask your parents to help or your mom to attend making it an issue about you and ask her help to get her there), but eventually you may want to.

 

Lastly, it sounds like she loves you and doesn't know how to show it. Do you know much about your Mom's own history with her parents? Her upbringing? Her worst experience? Sometimes if we understand where they are coming from at least we can empathize with their behavior.

 

You sound like a bright young woman. Don't let anyone bring you down. Not even mom.

 

Good luck

[anewme]

My lord! I think you must be my sister, because we have the same mother! My adivise-get out of the house to start. Crash at a friends place, stay with a relative-is there anyone who lives closer to the school? That way you could tell your mom it is to help with your commuting.

 

She is very negative and it is good to be aware that she has an agenda of some sort and is always trashing other people. Is she uneducated? It sounds like it. Maybe she is jealous that you are getting an MA, and she didn't. I know my mom, who only went to school for a semester, is insecure that she is not educated, and directs that into negativity and meanness.

 

Go to therapy, spend time with your friends, spend as little time as possible in the physical presence of your mom. WHen she calls don't answer.

[Lucky555]

My mom does not have her life in control. She does not pay her bills on time nor does she practice self love. As in she doesn't take care of herself. I myself try to eat right, exercise, do my homework, study alot, know what i want out of life. My friends don't do drugs, we don't get trashed, all we do is go out and have a couple drinks with a sober driver (seriously like my friends mom), hang out with other people and then chat and go to sleep. Like i stayed over at my friends house and the next morning we went out to shops, watched a movie, and went out to eat. Is there anything wrong with this behavior no!! Prior times when i was seeing a guy, we would go to the movies, i met his family and friends, even though he is not the guy for me we still are good friends. Besides it all, my mom can't stand knowing this, she has said before "i wish i had the time to go out but i dont" I am going to be a therapist myself actually thats kind of ironic. My mom did have a rough childhood and she doesn't ever talk to her mom, she sees her mom or talks to her mom about once a year. My mother has to always obsess about someone else, my brother recently moved out but that was all she talked about, he is 26 and she went through all of his things and read notes from his girlfriends!!! I see what is happening.I dont share anything with my mom about boys or friends because she will start doing the same thing to me. When I went out for dinner with a guy she insisted on knowing who he was. However, the guy, myself and my parents all work at the same place. I am only working there for the summer but on a different shift than my parents. If i told my mom who he was she would have been looking for this guy at work and that would be so awful because she would go up to him and try to get involved with our relationship. I think i used to need therapy but i am learning how to deal with it for now. For the past months i have been feeling miserable and it reflects on myself and grades. When i finally decided that i need balance of "social life" work, school, self, and family; i found that i didn't have all the aspects in my life and now i do and i feel good. My shoulders had tightness and i was in a slump until i got to go out.

 

My mom told me not to use the car unless its for school or work. Wow thats sad. My father on the other hand understands but what can he do she flips out! I do live with both parents. I am not going to listen to her because it is wrong for her to do such a thing by the way i am paying for my own college, pay my medical bills, and she helps with cell and car insurance. Its ridiculous, and another thing is she has not hugged me in probably 2 years. Never kissed me in 2 1/2 years, and i live with her. I find it very weird. I have a year and a half till i go to florida, which i chose for my internship. I just needed to vent before because i felt like i was being tortured. She thinks by not speaking to me i am going to tell her everything,when the fact is I am not because i don't need her obsessing about my life when she should take care of her own. She is a drama queen as i see it, and i think she needs therapy but she would never do that. Another things is she is uneducated, she actually comes from another country. She also thinks that i lied about being with my friend because she thinks i am with a boyfriend. She first said if you have a boyfriend its ok, when in fact i don't, i date because if i don't like the guy there is no point for him to meet my family. If i tell her the guys name she just thinks about me and the guy all the time and doesn't focus on my three younger brothers, her husband, or her household. I didn't lie to my mom, but i have lied to her when i spend time with guys just because she freaks out. The last time i was seeing a guy that she actually met and came over to my house, she would tease me non-stop about it. I would ask her to stop because i was just dating him. It hurt a lot and when she would be mad at me she would say well move in with your boyfriend.It just escalated to horrible arguments. So far i have been able to keep my life to myself. If she doesn't stop i think i will become like her to the point where i maybe call her once a year. But thanks everyone if you have any more suggestions or have experienced this behavior from your mom just please give me tips. Going to try complimenting now and then once she calms down.