Go Away Exes!!

[Spoonandfork22]

as if the saga will ever end!! haha ( i have to laugh to keep from screaming!)

 

 

the boys ex fling thing whatever she was just happend to break up wtih her new bf a few nights ago. SURE ENOUGH she called at 3am thursday night while we were out and friday night while we were shopping. he didnt answer, didnt mention thursday until i asked 'whos calling you at 3am?' i told him he should have gave me the phone.

 

 

well...now im just at the 'suck it up or ship out' point. i cant handle this girl calling all the time, begging for his attention. On one hand i know i cant control people, i cant prevent her from calling. hes told her not to, she still does. i cant talk to my bf any more about this situation, its been exhausted. but i am TIRED. plain TIRED of it. i know this sounds bad, but i feel like the 3rd wheel in my relationship! me, him and HER. and what can i do? just like i said above, suck it up or ship out.

 

 

as far as i know, or from what i saw the first night, he ignores her calls. i used his phone friday and saw there was a missed call from her (this while we were shopping). i didnt say anything, he doesnt know i saw it, but inside i was SEETHING.

 

 

i know theres people out there who will say just let it go, hes ignoring it, and i wish it were that easy. i cant imagine how she is at work, hanging on him and taking up his time. and again, from my past, i see one little hint of a red flag and i will run that ship into the ground without thinking rationally. ive said before that i think i just wait for him to mess up so i can say 'HA! i KNEW it!", even if it was something that meant nothing. in my head im thinking, he still wants her, if she didnt have a feeling that hed be interested, why woud she still be hanging on?

 

this is a double edge sword bc my ex calls randomly sometimes, and i ignore it. i dont call back, im not having him 'wait in the wings' so to speak. isnt this what my bf is dong as well? i mean he cant control if she calls, but hes making an effort not to appease her in any way. i feel like theres nothing i can do at this point, i believe he doesnt want 2 b with her, i just want her to go away. but like i said, i cant control her calls and neither can he.

 

 

 

again, I THINK IM LOSING IT!!! i love this boy to death, i know he loves me. were great together and we want to plan a future....but i dont think i can do it with a constant 3rd party. i know i cannot.

[nicki]

Is he calling her at all? If not, I wouldn't worry about it, but I would have a talk with him.

 

Tell him your intention is to safegaurd your relationship. He needs to tell you when she calls so you know what's going on. He needs to give her the cold shoulder at work. Nice, but indifferent.

 

Otherwise, she might take a bit of kindness from him and try to turn it into more. Many guys can be naive about how a woman can appear "distressed" and really need him "just as a friend to talk."

 

Which is, of course, a load of crap. It's a way to hook him back into her life, at least in an emotional way. He needs to be consistently indifferent and NEVER EVER call her back.

 

Explain to him how he needs to have some strong boundaries drawn around this situation. Tell him that you trust him, but not this woman. That you know how some women don't respect a man's current relationship and can use a man's good nature against himself.

 

Anyway, if he's not calling her, then that's a good sign. I'm sure he doesn't want to confront her. Many guys are afraid to do that. But we know that it's best to cut off all hope right away. Explain to him how he can send her that signal.

 

Good luck!

[squeak]

Great advice Nicki!

 

What do you think of spoonandfork even going one step farther and calling the girl and leaving the ex a firm message once her and her BF are in total agreement?

 

I like that because it sends a message to the ex that the BF may be okay with his new GF telling off the ex, but it could backfire if the ex calls spponandforks BF to complain about it and he shows any sympathy or shock that that happened.

 

I had read on another message board how an ex got her BF away from the new girl by calling him even though he would roll his eyes each time, but it was "please help take the dog to the vet" (they shared a dog) , "oh poochie looks sick, please come over and show poochoie love", he eventually got back with the ex even though he initialy seemed repulsed at her ongoing calls as he was trying to start over.

 

I'm not trying to scare you with that story, but it shouldn't be totally ignored either.

 

I really can't stand women who don't respect when a guy is in a relationship, and it sounds like he is ignoring her too so that is good.

 

Side story--I was sitting with my BF the other day and 2 pretty and scantily clad girls came by to stand right next to us, I had had a talk with him about the "looking" thing previous to that (older post on which Nicki and TBF gave great advice) , so I appreciated he was deliberately ignoring them--but it really made me mad that they would not stop looking his way before hanging their heads and exiting the restaurant-like they could not believe they couldn't get another girls BF to look at them.

 

So disrespectful!! I really can't stand women like that.....But inside I was laughing at them, all their efforts in vain.

 

I want you to have the same feeling too about this troublemaker! Do have that talk with him to settle things.

[squeak]

if she didnt have a feeling that hed be interested, why woud she still be hanging on?

 

Each situation has its peculariies, sometimnes the guy is letting it happen by being passive, other times he is not encouraging it in any way and it is not his fault if the girl is obsessive. Nothing drives a guy crazier than when he is doing the best he knows how (indifference/ignoring) and the GF is accusing him of bringing it on himself.

 

This was told to me by a guy, so it must be true!

 

It is maddening, I think I can write a handbook from observation (I've never done those things by the way) on how to drive the current GF crazy and voluntarily leave her BF without him ever actually doing anything wrong. If a girl just keeps the pressure on and steady, like calling or sending emails constantly without let up, it gets to you. He may be deleting or ignoring him, but it makes the new GF CRAZY and want to accuse the guy or start checking to make sure he is not encouraging her at all-- the other girl is counting on that too. The crazier and more insecure new GF gets, the better the ex can look.

 

It is a real bitchy trick, the pits, but it is what it is. Forewarned is forearmed.

 

You've got to take a deep breath and keep your head because this is where the wheat is seperated from the chaff.

[nicki]

Yes, I agree with you, Squeak!

 

Sometimes a guy can simply be passive and not encouraging the behavior from the ex calling...and yet the ex calls and calls. And the new girlfriend just wants it to stop. And she starts acting crazy about it. Arghh!

 

Actually, she wants the guy to MAKE it stop.

 

If indifference and ignoring calls don't make the ex go away, then I think the guy needs to call the ex and tell the ex to stop calling (like you said Squeak.) I think the girlfriend could call, but it's much better coming from the guy himself.

 

So, a guy can try the whole indifference/ignoring calls, but he needs to confront the ex if that doesn't work. That phone call should happen with his current girlfriend present. Then it's a "we don't want you to call anymore" kind of thing.

[Spoonandfork22]

squeak and nicki i couldnt thank you enough!!! i read your posts and instantly thought "yes!!". what im agreeing to is what was said about my bf doing all he can to prevent 'drama' or problems and that only makes me think hes doing sh*t behind my back. and that leads to accusations and that leads to fights and before you know it weve broken up because i am so damn sure hes bringing thing on himself and hes so frustrated trying to show me that he indeed isnt doing ANYTHING wrong.

 

this is EXACTLY the situation.

 

when i think of my bf, when i talk to him, when im with him, i know what a wonderful person he is. i know how much he adores me. my father, who can read people within 30 seconds, told me that from the moment he saw the way my bf treated me and looked at me, he knew i had found the right guy. this is why this all pains me so much!!

 

i suppose, squeak and nicki, that you two are right, i DO want validation for my feelings. i want us to run into each other and have him say to her, "see her? i love her, and YOU, you are ruining that. stop calling, i have nothing to say to you". like a movie i suppose = ) but at the same time, he is doing what he can to avoid the confrontation and avoid all the possible problems. i remember when i would call a guy all the time and he never called me back and eventually i thought, ok, clearly he doesnt want to talk to me. i am hoping she will get the hint.

 

along the same lines, it is not OK for me to be hounding him and asking him if hes calling her and why shes calling him and accusing 'you must be doing something behind my back otherwise she wouldnt be calling'. because as far as i know, hes not doing ANYTHING he shouldnt be, but the way this girl is, and from what shes tried to do to us in the past, i cant help but wonder, sh*t, are we doing THIS again?

 

thank you everyone for your feedback!! its absolutely helping in many many ways and i appreciate it very much!!!!!!!

[tinke]

it would be senseless for you to call the woman...first..it will show your insecurities, and second, it wouldn't mean a thing to her coming from you. she is not intimidated by you..remember, she keeps calling.

i don't believe the ignoring from him is productive or mature. IF he wants her to stop calling, he needs to express that directly to her, not play games by ignoring her.

truthfully, this is not about you..it is between those two, and he has to be the one to confront her, if he truly wants the calls to stop.

i don't believe it is fair to any of you involved to ignore the situation.

[squeak]

I agree, reading what you wrote tinke, calling her wouldn't be good.

 

Full disclosure: Someone I dated a long time ago occasionally goes into stalking fits every few months and calls or emails me asking to get back together or please keep in touch. After I had initially broken up with him, I just did not want to be manipulated into discussion after discussion wih him.

 

I ignored him, every time..ignore ignore ignore. My BF asked me to call him up and tell him to stop, I don't ever want to be in any contact with this guy ever. I don't think i am encouraging him by not telling him to f*** off--but maybe some would say I am!

 

I don't like it, I wish he would just go away.

 

But I don't want to tell him that. Not because I care about his feelings, it is just easier to ignore him and delete delete delete. I know if I write or say that it will encourage him more.

 

My point is...are we asking too much of the BF to confront the pesky ex for our own ego gratification? Or is it different when it is an ex GF-are we secretly scared a guy is that naive he will be pulled in any direction and has no sense of his own?

 

I guess when I think of my own situation, I get mad when that guy calls or contacts me, but I just don't want to be forced to confront him, that is why he is doing it! So can I really ask something of someone else I don't want to do either? If someone said I enjoy it or am encouraging it I would get really mad.....because I am actually worried about this guy now he has shown himself to be a long term obsessive possible stalker, and I don't want to get him angrier by any direct rejection.

[tinke]

i believe by not setting limits, you are being passive in the situation. to you, it may be out of convenience...but, it is not fair first to the "stalker" (or you, or your SO) for you not to tell him to leave you alone either by mail, or leave a message when you know he will be working. you can add that you will not tolerate any more contact, and will take further action if necessary. BUT FIRST..you have to request he stop calling. by not saying so, you are giving the ok for him to continue. if he truly is obsessive, he can imagine all kinds of scenarios why you aren't returning calls. as uncomfortable as it may be, you must make your request known to him.

if i were the other partner, i would not believe ignoring the situation is enough, it would need to be confronted. what is the gain to keep this "hopeful obsessive" person hanging on? he may decide to quit if he knows and hears you are not interested and find him annoying.

[squeak]

Sorry to hijack your post saf, but maybe it is good to see inside the mind of an avoider

 

Tinke, I agree 100%, but I am afraid he may start using a campaign of hate against me, or even start contacting my SO and I just don't want it to escalate.

 

That is why I ignore it, but he may escalate to the next level if I ignore too. I just don't want trouble from him, I don't want to have to bring in the authorities, I just want him to go away. To clarify-I had clearly told him on 2 occasions that I did not want any further contact from him, but i wished him well and all that. So now I can only assume he is goading me into the next step so he can step it up to the next level.

 

I'm getting sick thinking about it. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. --but I am convinced he is much crazier than I thought-which is bad.

 

I'll blame myself for confronting him If I do tell him to stop and he starts some nasty sh*t, I don't know what that may be, but I have a reallly bad feeling about him Tinke, like one day he is going to show up at my job and cut my head off feeling

 

If I don't confront and he starts some nasty sh*t, I'll blame myself too. I'm more doing self protection at this point, maybe I should not have just presented it as pure passitivity, it is self preservation too. I am literally afraid of getting him angry. I actually talked about this with a mental health professional who suggested I ignore him, as she thinks he is trying to goad me on. But I have also had bad experiences with just trying to slink away, the aggresor becomes more aggressive.

 

A lot of these obsessive types who end up being the ex that doesn't go away tend to be narcisstic personality disorder types, who can be dangerous if not handled properly.

[Capricorn]

Change your phone number!!!!!! That way the bitch can't call!!

[Spoonandfork22]

so tonight i addressed my bf....i asked him if the ex was calling him again he sarcastically said 'every day'. and i laughed and then said "really?" and he said no. then the conversation was lost b.c. once that window is gone, its kinda over. and im back at square one. im trying to find the courage to talk to him again, tell him i just want him to be honest with me about her, and when hes not is when i will second guess.

 

 

dammit.

[squeak]

See that's the thing, to him it's not an issue, so it is easy for us all to sit here and suggest that talk but from the guy's point of view he's thinking oh no not again. So you don't want to make him shut down whenever he hears this topic. He seems to know what you want to say, and he is trying to divert you in a friendly way.

 

His mood has a lot to do with it, I know you really want to discuss it now, but try to get him when you both are not going anywhere, maybe after some lovemakin' when he is receptive and relaxed. But not drowsy. Especially while you are cuddling is a good time.

 

I have found the same exact topic brought up at an inopportune time will go badly, but the good time (see above) can go very well. That sounds like a no brainer, but it is hard to control the urge to bring it up spontaneously.

[underpants]

I don't know if I would bring this up after a lovemaking session. That kind of sounds manipulative to me. Or, that he could associate the lovemaking with an uncomfortable conversation. It just doesn't sound like the most opportune time to discuss this issue. Personally, I don't want to talk about ex's after sex. Urgh...

 

I do think if this bothers you, and I can understand how it would. You have every right to discuss this and have a conversation with him about this. He does not see it as an issue? Well, if this contact from the ex disturbs you then it is an issue to you two's relationship. Therefore, his issue.

 

I think the best approach is to collect yourself emotionally (this is so easy to type, yet so hard to do). You need to not make the discussion acusatory. Stroke the ego to relax him. I don't see why this can't be a positive discussion. Let him offer suggestions as to how this can be corrected, and remind him that ignoring a problem is never a real good solution. A mutual agreed upon course of action and solution could bring you two closer.

 

I liked whoever said this is where you seperate the wheat from the chaff.

 

Time to know where you stand. He needs to validate to his ex that he is committed to you. Out of respect to his relationship with you he should request no further contact from the ex.

[Spoonandfork22]

you are right squeak. i could feel the tension when i brought it up the first time, it was clear he didnt want to speak about it. and then once the convo was lost, i was struggling to regain it, because i know i needed him to say, 'shes calling me, i know its inappropriate and i have or am going to take care of the situation..i love you, etc, etc." = ) I think my greatest issue right now is that he didnt admit to her calling. and i told him all i wanted was for him to be honest with me and he didnt take that oppurtunity to say, "wlel she did call, and i didnt speak with her, im doing my best to ignore it". and that sort of bothers me. takes me back to my trust issues, if you cant lay it out on the table, why are u hiding it.

 

i know guys are in an entirely diff. mind frame then us women, so i know hes thinking of blowing off the situation rather than having a close talk about it. but i have thought of the perfect thing to say to him once the situation arises where we can speak again.

 

im going to say "i didnt mean to badger you about X earlier and about her calling, i just want you to know that im not angry if she calls, i know you cant stop it and i trust you to take care of the situation, but i need you to be honest with me about it when it happens and i feel i have a right to know" too much?? i want him to know im not accusing him of anything, im simply asking him to allow me a little insight. i know that he is scared of telling me things like this due to the past (i was very bad when confronted or told things, i would yell and cry and on one occasion even broke up wtih him, so i understand why its easier for him to keep it from me and keep the peace) but i have come a LONG way in 8 months, and in order to put this past us, i need him to be able to come to me with the truth and i think the above statement will show him that i am ready to understand it.

[squeak]

I'm not the best out there with wording, but it sounds good maybe changeit to this:

 

"i didnt mean to badger you about X earlier and about her calling, i just want you to know that im not angry *at you* if she calls, i know you cant stop it and i trust you to take care of the situation, but i need you to be *forthcoming* with me about it when it happens even though I understand you don't want me to be upset, it would do so much to help allay my anxiety if I was in the loop too otherwise if I see her and am not aware of it , it makes me feel like I am oustide of it.

 

i just want to ask if you would mind letting me know how you feel about this, because I want to be on the same page that no matter how much she hounds you, that I can hear it from you that you would not ever call her back"

 

I know exactly what you are trying to say, you want to say "so I don't end up feeling like you are trying to keep it from me to keep me from being mad which makes me madder and really I just want to know you'll never fall for her BS" but that isn't the way to say it.

 

I made the changes because you did not mention discussion of agreeing/hearing him confirm and understand what you expect from him in this situation, even though it is not his fault, it is no skin off his back to assure you that you agree he is not calling her.

 

Yes?

[Spoonandfork22]

this situation is just driving me nuts. he was so great last night, and we talked about everything (not that situation, just life and things and work and such) and it was a wonderful night. i didnt have the heart to bring it up, he was in a good mood as was i, although in the back of my mind my anxiety was knocking.

 

i realized when we talk and when he talks about work, hes very careful not to even mention her name. he was telling me that work isnt the same as it used to be, that nobody fun works there anymore and he told me who he talks to there now, of course no mention of her name, which i know is BS. well i guess i dont know that, but im pretty darn sure. i just want to say 'i know you talk to her! im ok with it! dont be so scared to be honest with me'...but i always think of these things hours after the conversation, or im too afraid to say it at all...

 

im very much on the fence right now. i know if i bring this up im going to look so insecure and hes going to see it as bringing up the past and bringing up things that he sees as not a problem. ii feel that my point wont be validated and it will drive him towards her even more. confidence is appealing, and i know i will look so unconfident. hate this. damned if i do, damned if i dont. i just want him to talk to me. whenever this topic comes up, its deflected by him, i never get a straight answer. the only time i did was when my friend told me he was still talking to this girl, months ago, and he was livid and visibly upset by it. he spent 10 minutes telling me he hadnt talked to her, that he wouldnt risk that.

 

Squeak i cant thank you enough for your comments throughout all of this, my friends wont listen anymore (sad isnt it?) and i really have no one to turn to. i wish i was like him, so trusting and so secure with us. although, ive never given him a reason to doubt me. not sayig hes to blame, but he made some poor decision int he beginning of our relationship which, needless to say, have somewhat traumatized me.

 

 

i feel lost at sea....

[tinke]

not so much the situation at hand...but what keeps popping in my head is that it shouldn't be this difficult to talk to him about anything. i was with someone who was non-communicative, so i get what you are saying..walking on eggshells. i found that many more topics arose that he would avoid or blow me off.

 

he may never communicate with you the way you want, or need. just something to think about..if this is a fairlly new relationship.

[Spoonandfork22]

we can talk about anything, weve been together nearly a year. he is my best friend and honestly, we can talk about anyting and its never been a problem. i have always said how much i loved that we were able to talk and communicate effectively b.c my ex was the complete opposite. but with this topic, it just doesnt come easy for me. i dont want to look insecure, i dont want him to think i dont trust him or that im accusing him. its just so delicate and i have no freakin idea how to deal with it or have him understand what im trying to say. so yea, i really am afraid to talk to him about this...and youre rihgt, it shouldnt be this hard, i just want him to understand.

[tinke]

if he truly is not interested in her....you bringing up her name may do just the opposite and draw attention to her, (then he may think of her).

[Spoonandfork22]

thats exactly my point, do i let this go and show him im trusting, or do i drag this sh*t out to appease my own insecurity.

 

its a double edged sword!!!!

[squeak]

Spoon and fork when I responded to your post i thought this was a case of some random calls from an ex, but I read a bit on past posts enough to get the sense he had been in contact with her in the beginning of your relationship in a way that alarmed you, and maybe was it the same girl who said your bf does not act like a guy in a relationship? Also you had found out through someone else he was talking to her, but he had said he wasn't....? (I don't know if by talking it means a simple "hello how are ya convo as they pass eachother or what??)

 

There is some vagueness in the posts I can't really figure out, but:

 

I apologize for bringing up painful memories, but in that case I would definitely heed Nicki's advice, he does need to make you comfortable and assured that situation is no longer happening by calling in your presence.

 

Of course it may not be an issue, and he is ignoring her calls and being indifferent to her at work, maybe it is fading....but is he going to be at this job awhile?

 

In that case for your future together it would be best if he did that.

 

Do you have any signals he is talking to her now (calling her back?)

 

Does your gut tell you it is dead?

 

The fact she is still hooked in scares you, right?

 

Well then make it about you distrusting her, I think you'll feel better and feel equal if you do this. It is a bad feeling to feel that one big topic has to be ignored or *he'll* get mad..unless he has done ll he could to rectify it and make the situation comfortable for you, especially in light of her active calls....I would recommend being more assertive here.

 

 

What do you think?

[tinke]

i would say, let it go for now, he already knows you are aware of the calls, and keep aware of any signals from him. but, i doubt if you are able to keep quiet since the silence may manifest to resentment.

 

you can simply state that you trust him, but the calls are upsetting to you. ask what he intends on doing about them, because ignoring them is not working. it could be the other woman just needs to hear this from him, with the calls ignored...he really has not

expressed this to her, and he leaves the door open. i would not even consider it harrassment, if he did not flat out request she does not call anymore. there seems to be something there (maybe even the silence, it is not a no) that keeps her calling.

[Spoonandfork22]

squeak, im going to try to put this into a nutshell if i can.

 

when we first started dating he had stopped dating her to b with me.they were never anything serious, i wouldnt even call it dating so much as hooking up randomly. this went on for about a year, she had a bf most of the time (so yes, she was cheatig on her bf with my guy) and he didnt want to really date her, or he would have (its the kind of guy he is). they broke it off, had one last fling and him and i became more serious. they were still friends and i was ok with that, until she told me at work one night, yea my bf was p*ssed last night b.c. ur bf sent me a text at 4am. and im thinking, wait, i didnt even know you two sitll talked, and wait again, why would he text you at 4am when im asleep? so, i confronted him and he held they were just buds, she told me they talked every once in awhile. i let it go until i thought about things more and it ate me up so i had to confront her. i asked her what was going on w. her and my bf and she spilled. told me he caled her all the time, told her he missed her and things wouldve been diff. had she just let her bf go....all this sh*t. i lost it. i broke up w. my bf immediatly citing FRAUD. he again maintained yes they talked, they were friends but it was in NO WAY what she had described. when he said he missed her he meant hanging out with her (we all used to hang together a lot, once we got together it sort of diminished between all of us) and that he never let it get out of line. needless to say i was torn between two sources, with no idea who to believe.

 

we gave it another go after a very hard two weeks of crying and arguing and getting things straight. although he agreed to no contact about 2 months later i showed up unannounced at his house (i never did this b.c. this is how i caught a long ago ex cheating and from that i always thought they worst of just 'dropping by') but i did it this time, and he was pulling into his driveway with her car behind his. i was already in the driveway, he saw me, flew into reverse and told her to leave. he didnt think i saw her and when i asked who he was speaking to, who he told to leave, he lied ot my face, twice. i broke up w. him on the spot. he admitted to it being her, that she was coming over to smoke some pot (nice right?) and he didnt tell me b.c. i would freak out about it. OF COURSE I WOULD. he broke his promise to me, lied to my face and blew his trust below ground zero. we got back together (sigh) and honestly things have been fine of course i dont trust the kid but i let thigns go. i figured id be uncomfortable yes, but he was making every single stride to assure me that he would never allow me to be hurt aain, and i believed every word.

 

 

gese after reading that i realize how f**ked up that sounds, that i let him back twice. it makes him sound like a complete ass, and he really isnt at all, but thats how the story goes.

 

so now, yes, i dont trust her., this girl is soo manipulative. i believe now half the things she told me were exxagerations and lies. she loved seeing me hurt about it. and i made the mistake of calling her when i broke up wtih him and telling her she could have him b.c. her ploy worked. i just had no idea how to deal with it. i found an outgoing message in his phone a few months back from him to her that said "please do not call me anymore, its not right and you know why" and i was so proud of him. he did that on his own, not by my pushing. but im still uneasy

 

now since she broke up with the bf, shes calling. and i feel like hes opening the door. he cant seem to shake her. and even if he changed his number, which he never would, he would still see her at work, and she would bother him then. ive started checking his phone again, no calls to her but calls from her to him. which doesnt even make me feel better b.c. i think, he just deleted them.

 

i know i sound crazy, and maybe this is making me a little crazy. i know he hasnt cheated on me, but i see it as this need to know shes still there, that hes still got her. and i dont even know if thats true! i make up every case in my head possible.....i dont want to lose him over this, i love him dearly and he realy is a wonderful person who i would hate to think is capable of such deceit and lies and manipulation....i just dont know how to deal with her, and him, and all of us i suppose...i feel like the third wheel in my own relationship.

[tinke]

would you not constitute cheating that he pulled into his driveway with her following him..with intention to welcome her into his home? how about 4am calls?

i am not necessarily speaking of a sexual relationship, but little regard for your feelings, all the same.

 

it seems maybe you have trust issues with him and deflecting them onto her. yes, you can despise her, but....your relationship is with HIM. you are upset with her calling, however, he is not addressing them...why?

 

even if there isn't anything going on, why isn't he more in tune with your concerns, etc.