Go Away Exes!!

[squeak]

would you not constitute cheating that he pulled into his driveway with her following him..with intention to welcome her into his home? how about 4am calls?

i am not necessarily speaking of a sexual relationship, but little regard for your feelings, all the same.

 

it seems maybe you have trust issues with him and deflecting them onto her. yes, you can despise her, but....your relationship is with HIM. you are upset with her calling, however, he is not addressing them...why?

 

even if there isn't anything going on, why isn't he more in tune with your concerns, etc.

 

I was just going to write that...even though he said it was more of an "I miss our hanging out and being friends" that it was sent at 4AM denotes a kind of quiet desperation. In that situation, any feelings that sound all gushy , saying "miss you" would have been wrong , even as a "just friends" way , she was an ex, and while lying next to you?

 

You were *meant* to see him pull into his driveway with her, fate, guardian angel, whatever.

 

I'm with Tinke, she said it best.

[Spoonandfork22]

thats what i am determining..he can tell when something is up but i dont like to bring up the past b.c. i know how many times weve went in that cirlcle. i want to be able to overcome this. sidenote: the whole thing with him having her come over happened in january, so it was awhile ago. not saying that makes it right but we have made big strides since then. i want to talk to him about this, but i already can see him rolling his eyes about it like "i thought we were over this whole thign" and then im not going to get the conversation i want. at the same time, i dont know what having the conversation is going to do to help. it might just shut him down about telling me anything ever.

 

also, i agree with you Tink....when he told me he wanted to be frineds with her and all of that i always said to him, why in Gods name would you want to be friends with someone who tried to break your relationship into peices? how is she a friend when she apparently made up stories about you? it doesnt add up! and yes, over 6 months later i am still very p*ssed about it. i also know he doesnt confront this b.c. he isnt that guy, he hates getting involved in drama and problems, although with something like this, he has to draw a line.

 

deliver ultimatum?

[tinke]

you bring back haunting memories!!!!!

 

in a healthy relationship, you should be able to discuss ANYTHING openly, particularly subjects that leave you feeling doubtful, insecure.

 

if he is open to communication as you had stated....i would have to question why this is an "off topic" for him. i know too well, the rolling eyes, the avoidance to talk about some issues...it never changed in my past relationship.

 

"you don't know what the conversation will help?" you are seeking validation of his devotion to you. it is important to you, which is why i say it should also be of importance to him. fear of the walking on eggshells is a red flag...i would guess you can sense this.

 

even though you have made strides, it seems you still have some unresolved issues with him...it seems something is causing you to feel threatened in the relationship. even though he said you've been through all this already...what has changed?

[squeak]

But you both aren't over this thng to warrant any roll of eyes from him since she is calling and at this point, enough is friggin enough- if you ask him to call her in your presence and say "no more calling-just stop now" why would he not do that?

 

What is his reason?

 

And didn't you say you saw an outgoing message where he did do that to her already? So I have to question why she is resuming calling, as you must be wondering too. He does need to be firm with her..for you.

 

But since you are not supposed to know, I don't see why he won't do that now.

 

So can you ask him to do it again? I'm worried you feel like so much the underdog here that if you rock the boat too much he may get pissed and leave, but do you want to be in a relationship that was based on you being quiet and not feeling like a united team?

[squeak]

...it seems something is causing you to feel threatened in the relationship. even though he said you've been through all this already...what has changed?

 

Since the ex broke up with her BF now it is problems again, now I see why this is so stressful.

 

I think he owes it to you and your relationship to do something you can really sink your teeth into as proof he is serious about this.

 

What did he do in those months between January to now besides verbally reassure you? And that one text?

 

Although you chose to stay with him after 2 lies, he seemed to want it too-while you are still in the negotiatioin stage you should have some concrete actions if you are expected to have any trust in him.

[Spoonandfork22]

i agree with both of you. my issue with him lies in the fact that a) when i asked him if she still was calling he told me no, when i know that she is. he could have used that oppurtunity to tell me the truth, and he didnt. and b) he duped me in the past, how in Gods name can i distinguish fact from fiction now.

 

 

i know i need to talk to him, i want to know the honest truth about everything, maybe even the past? what really happened. i feel like i might need closure. i have days where i love him to pieces and i laugh that i ever doubted him and then i have days like today, where i am a mess, wondering if hes laughing about me behind my back, knowing hes tricking me again. isnt that sick??

 

i believe shes calling again b.c. her and her bf broke up and my bf was always there when that happened. and she feels like she can just start up where they left off again....i think him ignoring it shows her that its not that way, and the friendship is really over. i know everyone always says trust your gut, and i believe that to be true, but i sometimes wonder if its my gut or my paranoia.

 

also, tink, i think me asking him to call her in front of me and tell her to stop calling him he would def. not do. he would see that as forcing him to do something and in the end, he would resent me for it. i dont even think i would do that with my ex, at least not in front of my current SO. i did tell my ex off many times though, to stop calling, and he still does to this day, about once a month i get a drunken phone call that i never answer.

 

squeak, what has changed has been his actions. he followed through more, he was so open wtih me and honest and very much on my side. he wanted to pull through everything with me and we were and are *minus this moment* so strong together. and then when she called last week, i felt like my world fell apart, i felt like, here we go again.

 

i just dont know if i am being fair.....

[squeak]

I'm just going to say 2 things and I really hope I don't come off chiding, nobody is born knowing this stuff , we only know after being hurt.

 

The first is-promise yourself-PROMISE- that in the future, if you decide to give someone a chance after the first lie ,

 

and they mess up again-walk away.

 

This is a hall of mirrors here, my own head is reeling trying to get around it all.

(And no I'm not above it all, I'm not judging you-trust me I've been there and have left after weirdness transpired the 1st time around.)

 

2nd- You are stressing because he is not being forthcoming about her calls, so even though it doesn't seem like he is calling her, it is compounding original lies. There is a problem-it seems whenever she is involved he is not being forthcoming and that HAS TO CHANGE.

 

You are being fair, I don't know if you can teach him how you want him to be. Is he worth this? I can see you are very invested in him, I don't know, the situation has changed because she is back and for you 2 to move forward he is going to have to show you something, be more forthcoming, show you he is ignoring her or indifferent in person too.

 

You are going to have to see this in some form or another, none of this was fair to begin with to you...

[Spoonandfork22]

ok so as far as bringing this up again, and what to say so i dont sound insanely insecure and untrusting........how do i go about that?? what do i say? when do i bring it up? i kind of want him to call and just get it all out.

[squeak]

Okay wait and take a deep breath, if this all goes wrong I don't want you to hate my internet guts and feel you were riled up, this has to come from you. Is this something you want to do or are you also responding to the postings here?

[Spoonandfork22]

this is something i want to do. this is something i need to do. i cant be in a relationship of FEAR. i cant wonder what hes doing and just be in it b.c. im too afraid to let someone go. i have to confront this. and its not just because of these posts and this topic. of course it has influences me in the way that it has given me more courage, because instead of wondering if my feelings had merit, i now KNOW they do. and dont worry, i wont hate ur internet guts = ) you have helped me immensely. the next step is getting the guts to talk to him and be able to handle whatever happens after that. ive been through worse.

[squeak]

I would say "what should WE do about this?

 

Frame it in the context that you are both in this together.

And then there are some things that you should bring up that need to be resolved like:

 

-please be more forthcoming about each and every single time she calls

-considering all that happened, you need to see he has set boundaries with her-how can he show you he did that? Ask him what he suggests and maybe the sitting there while he calls her is not realistic, but even if it is a quick stop and chat where he tells her in person at work she can't do that anymore.

 

I think underneath it is the tension that why is this so hard to talk about with him?

That is your call, but he should be willing to do whatever it takes to reassure you considering what hapened earlier this year.

 

But mostly, do it in your voice and don't say stuff if it feels inauthentic or you are not feeling it.

 

If you could come out of this knowing he will tell you whenever she contacts him, that is pretty good.

 

Knowing he is also going to tell her to stop it is the best. It is a symbol, explain it that way-you know he is not doing anything, but you need that symbol that he is willing to overthrow her completely to move on together, if he wants the nicwe spoonand fork that;s what he'll do.

[tinke]

you can say to him exactly what you are saying to us. that this is an unresolved issue and you need to talk about it. i might ask, even if he told you he did tell her not to call...would you still wonder if he was returning calls outside of the house?

 

i feel something here is missing...people usually don't keep calling if there is not some type of reinforcement. even by his ignoring the calls, may be enough for her to keep calling. ignoring is not dealing with the issue, it may appear as an open door for her. even if she is not getting the gratification she may be seeking...she is not receiving a definate decline neither.

 

how often does she call?

[squeak]

Also-this will be hard-do not go into old stuff about you said I said.

 

Stick to those 2 points and the rules with this is that it is only considered resolved when a conclusion or mutual solution has been come to.

 

-complete honesty (you may want to say "forthcoming") about her contact, no "I didn't want to upset you", no "it doesn';t mean anything"

 

-you need to se him shut her down, he needs to understand that if he wants you to be nice and sane again, he has to step up. If not that, then can he change his job and get a new number? Seriously-he has to come up with a solution too if he resits these suggestions.

 

You can explain how it would make you feel, how great it would be for both of you.

-Don't accuse

-Don't make him sound like a jerk while talking, try to make him sound like he can be a winner in your eyes if he does that.

 

-If he gets pissy, I would advise emotional distancing.

 

Try to stay calm, guys turn off when they sense hysterics under the talk.

[Spoonandfork22]

thanks you two....i wont lie, im absolutely terrified right now. its going to take all i have to do this. i want to do it in person ideally. im just so scared. im so scared! i am terrible - absolutely terrible - at confronting people. and im probably going to cry, b.c. i get frustrated. i will def. let you both know how it goes as soon as i get the chance. if i can get up the courage to do it..

 

...tink, most recently she called the other night at 3am. before that, i dont know,. i had trusted him, i wasnt checking his phone, he wasnt telling me anything b.c. it didnt matter, we were strong. so the only times i know about are twice in the past 6 months. obviously i know there are more that im unaware of. i know she called him when she was traveling and told him, and im seirous, that she told me she didnt like him anymore and "reassured her i didnt like you anymore" and then told him she was LYING TO ME!! at that point he finally saw that she WASNT looking out for his best interest, and she WASNT a friend. i think he knows what she wants, but he doesnt realize the damage that even the phone calls and the avoidance is doing to us, and doing to me.

[squeak]

I revise the above-do you also want to talk about the past-then get it all out, get all your answers and questions you need to know from the littlest thing to te biggest.

 

I would want to know why he was not more angry at her at this point if she was lying about his intentions to her when calling her?

 

Honestly, I have to throw this in but it was really bad that whole "I was calling her behind your back to tell her I missed her as just a friend" that you found out about through her.

 

So many inconsistencies, iron them out, for yourself, you need to see who he is. What he is willing to do to fix this, if that's what you want.

[tinke]

i'm somewhat confused now. if your ex continues to call monthly and you ignore it...how is that different from her calling twice in the past 6 mo. and he ignores it?

i would think if you want results..YOU must set the example.

[Spoonandfork22]

tink youre absolutely right.....thats why IM slightly confused b.c. im pretty much going throught the same thing but know nothing has come of that....he and her had a past, they communicated behind my back, so now i want to let him know to be HONEST w. me about it, not try to hide it b.c. i wont or dont like it.

 

thats why i feel im not quite being fair..

[squeak]

Tinke, it is different, saf's ex never:

-was caught with her pulling in to her driveway

-created non stop drama by telling saf's BF all kinds of stuff, true/untrue-who knows

-had ongoing conversations with her while she was in the new relationship

 

It is different, I'll bet that saf would not care at all if it her BF did not do all that stuff regarding his ex.

 

It is threatening to saf because of the incidents and lies throughout her relationship with her BF.

[tinke]

if you want him to respond to the calls in a particular fashion, i would think you would set the example. honestly, him talking to her behind your back really doesn't have a thing to do with PHONE CALLS, let alone HER calls.

it has more to do with respect of your relationship, trust issues, etc. it seems these concerns are being raised within the guise of her calls. is it really about her calls, or doubts of his loyalty, commitment?

[squeak]

Hey you want a solution to that-text or call your ex now and tell him to stop contacting you.....if you feeel that is setting some bad example, I really doubt saf's Bf even blinks an eye at that. But just do it so you can get on with this

[squeak]

I wasn't responding to your last post "if you want him to respond to the calls in a particular fashion," tinke, the postings are fast and furious.

[squeak]

if you want him to respond to the calls in a particular fashion, i would think you would set the example. honestly, him talking to her behind your back really doesn't have a thing to do with PHONE CALLS, let alone HER calls.

it has more to do with respect of your relationship, trust issues, etc. it seems these concerns are being raised within the guise of her calls. is it really about her calls, or doubts of his loyalty, commitment?

 

that is very to the point and true, you don't trust him, do you spoon? What do you really need from him to trust again?

[Spoonandfork22]

to trust him i NEED to hear him tell me he will do what he can to let me know when and why shes calling, that he will take charge of the situation and he will assure me that this is not going to be a problem again. last time we talked about this it became a screaming/crying match and NOTHING was solved, so this time, i need maturity and i need a conversation. I need to hear from him that i have a valid point and that he is happy we could have the conversation and i want to be happy that i can talk to him. i want him to be honest with me about their communication and im going to tell him that in order to have a funtioning relationship, this is a step that needs to be taken. if he cannot do that for me, then we need to rethink our relationship because i cant be in one wtih someone who wont tell me things whether it be out of fear or just to shield me. i want honesty.

[squeak]

Woah, there you go, you know what to say!

You never needed anyone's help, it was inside you the whole time, Spoon I feel you are in control here, I think he will feel that strength in you too and you are coming from a good place.

 

It feels good and right, right?

 

Let us know how it goes, you can do it!

[Spoonandfork22]

that did feel so good to say!!!

 

he just called, he made plans with some of his old roomates tonight, so i dont think i will see him. i want to do this in person anyway, no phone BS.

 

i will absolutely let you know what happens, im thinking it will be good = ) if not, i gave it my all and i was honest with myself and my heart, and thats all that matters in the end.

 

 

its been a great past few hours ladies, ive enjoyed the fast and furious posting!!!