The other side of cheating...

[TheCrawfordsNM]

I am reading all these posts about people who are cheating or thinking about cheating and it makes me literally sick to my stomach. Let me tell you the other side of the story to give you something to think about before you decide to betray your spouse and break the vows you made to God on your wedding day.

 

I am 29 years old and currently married to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful children but to this day I am still suffering on a daily basis for the cheating my ex-huband did. We started dating our Junior year in High School and got married one year after Graduation. He was the love of my life and my first true love.

 

We were both very strong Christians, went to Church regularly, and had a wonderful life. I worked to put him through school because I was going to be a housewife and I "didn't need an education". He got his engineering degree and was (and is) an Engineer for the largest micro-processor company in the world. We built a beautiful 5-bedroom home, bought 2 new cars, and were trying desperately to have a baby.

 

Sometime into our 2nd year of marriage a new girl started working with my husband. She was 2 years older than we were and a single Mom and something about her made me very uneasy. We went to a Christmas party at her house and she totally doted on my husband and ignored me and then I went to a volleyball game my husband was playing in (he wasn't expecting me there) and she was sitting on his lap. I NEVER thought my husband would cheat being the God-fearing man that he was but I still forbid him to speak to her or be friends with her. Several people started calling me to tell me that he was going to lunches and things with her but when I confronted him he denied it. We had our 3 year anniversary and he sent me a dozen roses, took me out to this fabulous restaurant, and bought me this card that he wrote "You are my soulmate. I know we will be together forever! I love you with all of my being! Forever Yours Faithfully, his name. Three days later while he was in the shower I got a really weird feeling and I went and looked at his cell phone. There was a number I didn't know programmed into the FIRST slot of his telephone directory. I called the number and the girl I forbid him to talk to answered the phone. When I told her who I was she hung up. So, I called back and told her that my husband would never leave me for her and if she was having an affair with him all she had to do was tell me and I would leave him and she could have him. She started crying and told me she was pregnant with his baby. I kicked him out that day...he moved right into her house...I filed for divorce on that Monday and my divorce was final that Thursday.

 

Then, to make things worse, he was ordered in the divorce to pay all of our debt (which was substantial) because I had put him through school and helped him get where he was. Well, about 9 months after the divorce I started getting calls from Creditors that he wasn't paying. I hired an Attorney and filed to reopen the divorce and have the debt transferred to me and get his wages garnished. Well, then he filed for bankruptcy which forced me to file for bankruptcy as well. So not only did he break my heart and ruin my trust in men, he also ruined my credit.

 

This all happened 6 1/2 years ago and to this very day, not a day goes by that I don't think about him and wonder what evil spirit possessed his body and made him do this because the man I was married to would never have hurt me this way. I love my husband now but I will never be able to love him or trust him the way I did my first husband...he stole that from me too. Every time my husband now looks at another woman I feel like I am going to lose it. In fact, a single Mom with a daughter just moved in across the street and she is very nice but I am already imagining my husband cheating on me with her.

 

People who cheat do not realize that they go on with their lives like nothing ever happened while the person that was cheated on is hurt and devastated for years and is changed forever. They can never trust again how they use to because they won't be made a fool twice. I did some things that I won't admit to on here to get even with them and it helped me momentarily but I still think of things every day that I could do to them to make them suffer for what they did to me. (They're still married and have 3 kids now). She tells me to stay out of "thier life" but what she doesn't understand is that it's not "their life"...it was mine and my husband's life and SHE came into OUR life and destroyed it. She is living MY life with MY husband and she has everything I have done coming to her!

 

Anyway, all I can say is that God will place judgement on everyone and it says in the Bible that adulterers will not dwell in the house of the Lord. Adultery is a sin...it's breaking one of the Ten Commandments. It's wrong. If people would talk to their SPOUSE about the problems they run to their little girlfriends and boyfriends about they'd probably have a better marriage. When you are married there is no reason to have friends of the opposite sex. There are plenty of people out there of the same sex to talk to and it won't put you into a position that might cause you to stray. You are affecting someone for a lifetime when you make the decision to cheat and the thing is that we are only on this earth for a short time...when we die it is forever. Is getting a new piece of Xss going to be worth burning in hell for all eternity? Think about it! If more people would be true and loyal and stay married all these kids wouldn't be so screwed up now days. Good luck to all of you!

[Leikela]

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It is obvious that you are still hurt and bitter after so many years. I can see you feeling that way right after everything happened, as you were wronged by someone you loved. However, 6 and half years later you still feel the need to get back at them? You need to let go...

 

You blame the girl and call it getting "a piece of ass", but it takes two to destroy a marriage. It was as much your ex-husbands fault. Apparently, if it was just a piece of ass, then he wouldn't still be with her. Maybe they are truly in love. It's a possibility.

 

You mention that you are very religious and that is apparent in your last post. You say you won't mention or admit on this board things you have done to them to try and get back at them. Well, your husband committed adultery and that is a sin, but is what you did to them a sin as well? Would God approve of your actions? I am thinking no, since you didn't want to write them on this board. Also, if you are so religious, aren't you supposed to trust in God and believe that He will see that they get what they deserve? I don't believe that God recomends we take "getting back" at people into our own hands...

 

Also, people can and DO get over infidelities. Some people have to go through counseling and others resolve that issue on their own. People have survived cheating husbands and have been able to love and trust just as deeply again. It is what YOU make of it. Don't accept defeat or else you will stay bitter and angry for the rest of your life. That isn't healthy for you or your kids.

 

Accept that your ex-husband moved on with his life and move on with yours. You got together at such a young age. Those type of young relationships, more then not, don't last. You need to grow and find yourself before you can truly be in a lasting relationship. At 16, you don't know who you are. Plain and simple. You might want to seek counseling because it seems as though after all these years, you haven't made any progress in healing. For your sake, I hope you find yourself able to love and trust someone that deeply again. Anything is possible... You are your only deterent.

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[TheCrawfordsNM]

I agree with you that I am bitter. I don't argue that fact. I have every right to be bitter. And you are right, maybe they are truly in love but the fact of the matter is...he was MARRIED, he had made vows to me and God to be honest, faithful, and true to me til death due us part. He never should have put himself into a position to fall in love with her. And, honestly, I don't think he is truly in love with her. I think he feels obligated to be with her because he got her knocked up. He would never leave his children. He's not like that. So, he would stay with her no matter what because of his kids.

 

The things I did to them were wrong and against the law...that's why I don't want to talk about them but I believe that people who hurt other people deserve to be hurt in return so they don't do the same thing to someone else. If I didn't have my own kids that I don't want to lose I would do a lot worse things. I would take her husband from her like she took him from me but in a different way. I hate the thoughts and feelings I have and I ask God every day to lift this hate and torment off of my heart but He hasn't yet so I must live with it from day to day.

 

Needless to say, I have been to many counselors and even went through a substance addiction and rehab after he left me but nothing has helped. I love my current husband a lot and he is a wonderful father but I will never let him all the way or let him hurt me that way. I can not live through that again. My ex-husband will have to answer to God, not me. Anyway, thanks for the reply. I respect your opinion and it was nice to hear. Thanks again!

[quankanne]

ah, leikela, even Jesus, that model of love and forgiveness, was ticked off enough to chase the moneychangers out of the temple!

 

I think what she was trying to do was share with the posters who gleefully admit that yeah, they're having an affair with a married person or are cheating on their spouse. While it might be all fun and games, something new and exciting for the people directly involved in the affair, the victims are the spouses and kids who get cheated on, and something like that you don't just get over easily, no matter how you try. I think the gist of her post was that while you might be attracted to a flashier way of living, when you've made a commitment to someone, you owe it to that relationship to see it through (or even end it) properly, not just go chasing after a flash in the pan just because it's there and you want it know.

 

A lot of the posts we get from folks about their adulterous affairs suggest that we should look past their selfish needs and wants and root for them simply because it's their right to chase after true "love"/happiness. They don't care about what the affair costs the other parties indirectly involved, just as long as they get what they want. It's basically a fast-food mentality applied to morals: I want it now, I want it fast and I don't care if it's bad for me or if it might cause someone else problems BECAUSE I WANT IT, I WANT IT I WANT IT!!!

 

what is really sad is that many times, those people don't learn anything from their actions: If they land their lover by breaking up a marriage, it just reinforces the idea that adultery is a win-win situation. If they are spurned, then it only makes them try harder to get what they want. Why? I suspect it has a lot to do with being part of a society of people who refuse to be responsible for their actions.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

Quankanne,

 

I understand what you are saying and I agree with you in that aspect. My post was to mainly to point out that 6 and half years later, it wasn't healthy for TheCrawfordsNM to still be plotting and carrying out illegal revenges on her ex-husband. I was merely making it clear that internally healing is a process that CAN take place and should take place. Being so bitter and filled with hatred will only destroy her even more.

 

Yes, a lot of people are hurt and have their lives up-rooted by infidelity but it doesn't have to mame you for the rest of your life. That was all I was trying to get across. Accepting what happened and moving on is the only way to be released from the feelings that is keeping her prisoner.

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[TheCrawfordsNM]

I think the reason that I have held on to all this resentment and anger is because I never had any closure, never got any answers, never got to say Goodbye. After I kicked him out (he was still denying the affair at this point) we never spoke again except through Attorneys. I never got to look him in the face and ask him why and how long it had been going on, etc. That and the fact that he basically gloated after he moved in with her...bringing her to all of our Court hearings so I could see her pregnant and then filing for bankruptcy because he "couldn't afford to take care of two families". I was there first. I am the one he should have been loyal too. Even his own parents would not go to his wedding or her baby shower. He has not had any consequences from all this and I have had way too many. Believe me, I try every day to let go of this. When I say my prayers every night I beg God to take this anger, hurt, and resentment out of my heart...it just hasn't happened yet. I just hope that some day he does the same thing to her because you don't really know what it feels like until it happens to you. Thanks for the replies!

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

That is a step in the right direction. Knowing that you feel this way because you never had any closure. Have you ever thought about possibly getting that closure? I think part of letting go is TRYING to at least tolerate the other person, as forgiveness in your situation seems somewhat difficult. Maybe if you went to him and said you wanted to know some answers for your own closure purposes, he might oblige. That is a huge step to take, but have you ever considered it?

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[Tony T]

YOU WRITE:

 

1. "We were both very strong Christians, went to Church regularly, and had a wonderful life."

 

I don't think so. From my knowledge of Christianity, love and forgiveness is the hallmark of that belief system. To the extent that you are able to forgive the sins others and recognize their humanity is the extent that you will be spared judgement and karma for your own wrongdoings.

 

2. "I did some things that I won't admit to on here to get even with them and it helped me momentarily but I still think of things every day that I could do to them to make them suffer for what they did to me."

 

You wrote that you were a "VERY strong Christian" yet you are seeking vengeance. You must not have read your bible very well. According to the precepts of your alledged belief system, we are not here to punish the sins of others or to get vengeance. That is addressed directly in the Christian Bible. Look up "vengeance" in your concordance and read away...or enter the word in a good search engine.

 

You talk about the evils of adultery yet you admit that you cannot fully give to your current husband because of your attachment to the evils of your ex husband. That in itself is a form of adultery. You are adulterating...or mixing...one relationship with another. Until you let go of the past you cannot be fully loyal and devoted to your present husband.

 

I find it bizarre that in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary that so many men and women are shocked that their mates, on occasion, betray them. It's not good, it's really a bad thing...but the FACT is that a great number of spouses find and take advantage of the opportunity to cheat at least once or twice during a marriage. The circumstances must be understood and human beings must be given the handicap of being human. As long as men and women are built as they are and raised in a society where morals are corrupt if not practically gone, there will be this and other kinds of sin.

 

So, all I can say to you is..."Let he who about me is without sin cast the first stone."

 

I cast no stones. My sin started when I was very young, taking a tootsie roll from the store and it's continued on from there. But I don't dwell on the sins of others, no matter how I may have been affected. It's absolutely crazy to allow the temporary acts of others to impact my own life in any permanent way. I hope you will grow to see that philosophy and apply it to your life.

[HokeyReligions]

Needless to say, I have been to many counselors and even went through a substance addiction and rehab after he left me but nothing has helped. I love my current husband a lot and he is a wonderful father but I will never let him all the way or let him hurt me that way. I can not live through that again. My ex-husband will have to answer to God, not me. Anyway, thanks for the reply. I respect your opinion and it was nice to hear. Thanks again! [/b]

 

Have you thought about what this bitterness is doing to your current husband? How it is affecting your children? It is you know. Whether you see it or not, it has become a part of you and whether or not your current husband and children recognize it for what it is, they see/feel/sense it, and if it's not already hurting them - it will.

 

It's easy to say stop looking back and look forward, but it's very hard to do. If the counseling you have already gone through hasn't helped, then find different counselors. Don't stop until you make your own closure and can move forward, or you ex-husband is going to come between you and your current husband and rip your family apart.

 

You made a decision to love and marry your first husband. He didn't live up to the commitment. Make that the end of it. Accept the hurt and let yourself heal. Another man fell in love with you and married you. You have a future with fresh decisions to make - please don't let all your future be clouded with bitterness from a past you can't change.

[TheCrawfordsNM]

In response to the person who asked if I had tried to seek closure from him...I have indeed. I wrote him a letter via email last Monday asking him to please answer these questions for me so I can move on with my life. His sister called me and told me that his current wife will not let him respond to or speak to me because she is afraid I will interfere in their marriage or he might still have feelings for me. How ironic? The mistress turned wife is afraid of losing her marriage! I am thinking about trying to call him at work but not so sure it is a good idea. I guess it doesn't really matter what his answer are...it won't change what has happened but I just feel this urgent need to know. Call me crazy. I do love my current husband and never talk about these things to him because I don't want to hurt him but I don't trust him because I don't want to be a fool again and that really bothers him. I thought that time would heal my wounds but when I think about what my ex-husband did to me it hurts just as much today as it did then. Thanks for the advice everyone. You are really making me see some things in a different perspective...

[Reckless]

Ms. TheCNM

 

My current boyfriend went through a very bitter exerience with his ex wife and I understand what infidelity can do to your head. The thing is, unless you can somehow deal and let go you will live and die with bitterness. Or numbness. Or both. This is of course not what you want, for yourself, your partner or your children. So what to do?

 

First of all you have to find where you want to be and work with those that love you to get there. To me it sounds like where you want to be is back with your first husband, in that big house with the two cars living the life his new wife has (and it IS their life, you might not like it but she is not living your life - that's imposssible, you are, and you're ruining it by not realizing this).

 

My b/f and I talk whenever it comes up about what we need from a relationship - he needs a lot of love and trust and of course puts a lot of emphasis on loyalty and faithfulness. We slowly at first, looked at some of the issues behind what happened, communication, emotional detachement, being married too young, being in a disfunctional relationship, not fixing what could have been fixed... really there are so many things and yes, sometimes it gets tireing and painful but whatever it takes to deal, find some peace and move on is worth the effort. He is not chronically insecure (a sure sign that you haven't worked through all the issues) and is slowly working to dilute the hatred (which as you have seen can stay with you for years). How do we do that? Well, recognising mistakes made, seeing the good times that were there but were forgotten and though he's far from being able to forgive, being grateful that you survived and had the chance to meet someone that loves you as you deserve. I'm not being overly romantic but in the words of the late great John Lennon, I guess 'love is the answer'. You have to love yourself more than the life you had, more than you hate his new wife, more than you want revenge.

 

You speak about the bible, didn't Jesus say ... 'If your eye is making you stumble - rip it out! Better to get into the Kingdom of God with one eye, than to be thrown with two eyes into Gehenna..." in other words, it might be painful but you have to get rid of the feelings and thoughts that stop you from getting God's approval. Hatred is unchristian, it keeps you warm on long dark nights, when the alternative is wondering if everything you had was a lie, but it it still unchristian and destructive. Love is a fruitage of the spirit [of God] so is Joy, peace and goodness (Galatians 5:22,23)... so much as I sympathize how you have been treated don't think you are condemned to a life of bitterness and hatred, you are not. If you beg God for his spirit and your analyst for his advice and your husband for his love, you'll find the strength to get what you obviously are missing, the peace to leave the past where it belongs so that you can live the life God has given you to the full.

[TheCrawfordsNM]

You are very right in all that you say and all I am looking for is a few answers from him and he will not give them to me. He OWES me those answers. I gave him 12 years of my life and he never even said Goodbye. And actually, I have another big house and new cars and those things don't mean anything...they don't take away the hurt and betrayal I feel. How can he just go on with his life like nothing ever happened and I never existed and I have spent the last 6 1/2 years tormented. It's not fair. He should have to pay for what he did to me and it's hard for me to just let God take care of that because he doesn't seem to be suffering at all. She was a single Mom who had nothing just looking for a man to take care of her and her daughter so she found a handsome, successful man and ripped apart his marriage. Oh, it is so hard for me to let go of this hate. Even though I am a Christian, no one is perfect and it takes everything I have not to want to bash her face in. She needs to feel what she has made me feel. I hope that some other woman comes along and does to her what she did to me and then she can raise all those kids alone. Thanks for the advice. I am desperately going to try to take it.

[Tony T]

YOU STATE: "He should have to pay for what he did to me and it's hard for me to just let God take care of that because he doesn't seem to be suffering at all."

 

Who are you to decide what he should have to pay for? And how do you know he hasn't suffered with this? If you had gone to a good psychologist after this happened, he would have explained to you how psychological defense mechanisms work. People who feel extremely guilty go through great head exercises and gyrations to keep themselves from falling apart and that's what he's doing.

 

I strongly urge you to start doing some head exercises of your own to get yourself together. No matter how good or how bad you ex feels...or how good or how bad his life may be...that will have little effect on your life in the longrun. Only YOU can change your life by ceasing to harbor such anger and resentment...which I find to be rather rare for the amount of time which has passed.

 

The ONLY person who is now paying for your exes transgression at this time seems to be YOU and you keep paying and paying everyday. That seems so highly irrational to me. I think you ought to be very angry at yourself for putting your own self through all the head stuff on a daily basis, continuing to PUNISH YOURSELF for the violation of your ex husband....and you're also punishing your current husband.

 

You need counselling and you need it now. You are robbing yourself of precious days you will never get again by focusing outward on another rather than living your life to the fullest. See a good counsellor and try to undo the severe damage you continue to allow yourself to do to yourself. It's simply not fair to you that you should choose this course of action, it's pretty nutty, and awfully mean to your current husband.

 

If your current husband knew how obsessed you were with this, he would probably take some action of some sort. Personally, I don't see how you could have fallen in love with your current husband with this kind of wishful vengeance and anger for your ex constrantly swirling around in your head.

 

Please get help. Today could be the last day for the planet. Many insane countries are getting nuclear weapons. Don't live like this. Do it for yourself!!!

[midori]

I can understand your wish for vengeance and vindication, although as many others have pointed out it is decidedly unChristian, and it's holding you back from putting this behind you.

 

You say you don't see him suffering. Do you need to? He and his new wife found each other via betrayal and deception. As your former sister-in-law has hinted, those things seem to be built into the foundation of their marriage. Neither of them will ever be able to fully trust the other. That's a lifetime of nagging doubts about the core of your emotional life. Not something I'd want to sign on for.

 

What about you? Why are you allowing the destructive actions of deceitful, unscrupulous people continue to haunt you? You say you want closure, and again, believe me, I can understand that. I've been hurt by someone who never apologized, never took responsibility for his hurtful behavior. I'll tell you, though this stuff is years behind me now, I still feel I am owed an apology by him. You know what? I'm never going to get it. It's not in him to own up to his bad behavior, doing so would require him to reassess many of the choices he's made. He's never going to do that. I understand that, and while I'm not accepting that it's OK, I have accepted that's how it is. There's no changing his character, and why should I waste my time? I've got better things to do with my time and energy. Thank god that I didn't end up marrying the guy, I'd be in for a lifetime of emotional draining and resentment. His inability to face me just goes to show all the more that I'm better off without him.

 

But I don't assume that all men are like him. I don't do him that honor, nor men in general that disservice. I see now how I deceived myself where he was concerned. I see how I was inclined to believe in my ex, because of where I was in life at the time (unsure of what path to follow, looking to do something significant rather than just a mundane 9-5 job, he seemed to have the answers). Now I'd never fall for such a self-absorbed, self-important person as my ex is. Lesson learned.

 

What about you? There were probably circumstances in your own life, right out of high school, that made the situation with your ex-husband appealing. You had it all mapped out, work for a few years and then raise a family while he earned a good salary. Sounds nice, but did it perhaps blind you to the dynamics that were going on in the relationship? Obviously you made a mistake in marrying him -- not something to beat yourself up over, surely, but I'll bet you can see now in hindsight how wrong you were about him. Hey, you were very young and inexperienced (as was he). But you wouldn't try to recreate your relationship with him, given the chance. Would you?

 

Don't do yourself, your husband, or your children such a disservice as to let your ex-husband's enormous flaws taint you forever. Don't give your ex-husband such power over you (and your family). He's clearly an unworthy sort of guy. He doesn't deserve to wield such influence in your current life. He doesn't deserve to have any space in it at all. Keeping this alive in your heart and mind only prolongs your suffering, and it gives him more significance than he deserves. He's not capable of living up to his responsibilities, so it's foolish to wait around for him to do so.

 

Take yourself out of this hurtful emotional limbo and get on with your life. Everyone around you knows what a jackass he is. He knows it too ... and so does his new wife. That's why she doesn't trust him.

 

Thank goodness you didn't have children with the guy. Think of how much more difficult and awful everything would have been for you if you had.

 

Live your life in the present, with the good people you have around you, and let this sorry lot live in their own mess. You don't have to wish them well. But you shouldn't let them be a part of your psychic landscape.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I gave this advice to someone else here: sometimes you will never know the answers to why people do or have done the things you do. Some things we go through in life we have to go through to learn lessons. And there are plenty of good lessons you could have learn through your situation although it was very devastating. When we learn from our mistakes and our hurt, it makes us wiser and stronger. When we don't it makes us upset and bitter.

 

You need to read 2 Timothy 3:1-5. It talks about the attitudes of people today in the times that we are living in. And the truth is we can be the sweetest person on the universe people and do all the good in the world that does not mean that we will never be treated like dirt. Some things in life although devastating, are a fact of life. People will be cheated on, people will be lied to, people will hurt others and people will treat you unfairly. That's a fact of life that you can not escape or should never feel that it will never or should never happen to you. And once you realize that and accept that, you will let go of your pride. Because pride, not heartache is what's actually keeping you from moving on and letting your ex-husband go. Pride is making you feel like you should never have been treated the way you have, and rightly you should have been, but just because you shouldn't have been doesn't mean you would not have been treated that way. It was very possible. Pride is also making you feel rejected because this guy is still with the woman that he cheated on you with, so it makes you feel like you were all that or you must have been a really bad wife. That's not necessarily the case.

 

You can be a wonderful wife and a man may still cheat on you. You can't control other people actions or feelings. If a person is selfish they are going to manifest that attitude sometime in the relationship and that's what your husband did. That has nothing to do with you falling short as a wife. You're in a wonderful relationship now which means you are capable of carrying on a relationship, and that you're a person who is lovable and attractive. What you need to do is let the ex go completely. Say to yourself: you know what, the first marriage didn't work, things fell apart, it was unfortunate, but you know what, I'm a good woman, I'm can be strong, I can be happy without him, I wish him the best with his life, and I'm going to go on with mines. If you feel that you have the power to be happy after a relationship has ended, you will never fear fully trusting or fully loving another man. The only one holding yourself back is you.

[Girl]

The very things we dislike and push our buttons in others are the very things we dislike about ourselves. In psycho babble it's called our shadow, or our disowned self. There's some hipocracy going on in your story.....

 

"He had made vows to me and God to be honest, faithful, and true to me til death due us part"

 

"I do love my current husband and never talk about these things to him because I don't want to hurt him but I don't trust him because I don't want to be a fool again and that really bothers him"

 

You physically kicked the ex out, filed and received an immediate divorce, remarried but are very much still in an emotional relatoinship with your ex, 6 1/2 years later. As you know, it's not so much the physical betrayal that hurts like a mother, nor is it keeping you seething for years on end... it's the emotional one. No two things can occupy the same space... whilst you choose to strongly remain tied to your ex via your thoughts, feelings and reactions (ie emotions) you are being emotionally untrue to your current husband.... that makes you a hipocrite, no better or worse than your ex.

 

Excusing your lying (as you well know, omitting to speak the truth IS lying) by telling yourself that you never talk about these things with him so you don't hurt him is condescending.... your present husband is not a child that needs your protection from the truth of what's really driving you, he has every right to a marriage based on his partner being wholeheartedly emotionally available to him and a marriage based on honesty.... virtues and dynamics in a marriage you command but do not live yourself.

 

What is a marriage without trust?.... a farce. Trust is simply not negotiable... either it's there or it's not. Whilst I feel and understand, only too well, the pain and fear from your betrayal experience, whatever way you slice it and dice it... you are not fully emotionally committed to your current marriage.... just as your ex wasn't to yours.

 

The events of 6 1/2 years ago are over... nothing can be corrected, changed or fixed... getting answers you feel he owes you will only perpetuate things in your mind. It'll only serve to give you something new to focus on for possibly another 6 1/2 years. You know ALL you need to know. Betrayel IS horrible but frankly, you're emotional bearings are a bit off whack. 20, 30, 40 years from now the events will still be the same.... will your anger and hate be too?. The only thing that can change now is your perception of those events. You mentioned something about life being short... yeah it is.... mentally living in the past for so long pursuing what you didn't receive is not living.

 

The only pay off that's clear for you to be contuining to give him so much energy is you get to avoid having to deal with the real issue... you. You have the perfect excuse not to really put yourself out there again, to protect yourself, to not be responsibile for your happiness after the fact. You've chosen the easy path:

 

"Never trust again how they use to because they won't be made a fool twice"

 

"I will never be able to love him or trust him the way I did my first husband...he stole that from me too"

 

You're continuing to play the victim.... he stole nothing from you, only what you're allowing him to have. DO the hard work and deal with the hand you've been dealt.... YOUR issues instead of using your ex, his new wife, the unfairness, the bitterness, anger, excuses and story as a get out of jail free card to avoid dealing with your pain and fear. Yes, you MIGHT get hurt again like that, that's the nature of the beast... but so what? You WILL survive!. You're cheating yourself and your new husband by not allowing yourself to be vulnerable to him emotionally.... without vulnerability there is no real intimacy.... why bother being married?. Oh, and your ex wins ALL round!.

 

If anything I've said seems heartless to you, that's fine..... there is nothing noble or healthy in choosing to play this blame game of yours... to wake up everyday and marinate in your victim juices all these years after the event is rather masochistic actually. Personal growth and maturity come through realising you are 100% responsible for anything and everything you think and thus feel. Deal with it. Things happen in life... we can't control the weather, other people or bad events.... the only thing you do have in your power is how you choose to react to anything... choose wisely

[flowers]

I am assuming that you still have to keep some contact with this man that you were once married to? Did you have a child together? I can't see after so many years, and even being married to another man that you still feel such strong hate towards him. The only thing that I can think of is that you must have some type of contact with him....or run in to him and his wife on occasion.

Besides the above... You need to re-program your thoughts. For every horrible thing that you think of this first husband of yours....you need to tell yourself 2 positive things....

for instance you may say....He is a bastard...

then 2 postive things you have to say after that.......1. you would have never met your wonderful 2nd husband if it wouldn't have been for him.... and 2. you would have never of known what a loving relationship was like if he wouldn't have done this to you....whether you want to believe it or not...he was not a loving person to you....(husband 1)...and you should be happy you didn't have to grow old with such a bastard...HE DID YOU A FAVOR..HE OBVIOUSLY IS SELF ABSORBED AND SELFISH AND HE FOUND HIS MATCH...THIS CHICK HE IS WITH NOW...IS THE SAME AS HIM....SHE TOOK THE CHOICE TO GO OUT WITH HIM EVEN WHEN HE WAS MARRIED... HISTORY USUALLY REPEATS ITSELF...UNLESS SOMEONE SEEKS HELP.....AND I AM SURE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT WORK OUT FOR A LONG PERIOD...IF YES IT DOES THEN THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER.

He is a jerk and you found out early enough where you found someone else. And, how brave it was of you to face reality and not ignore it like some women would. and, believe me, some women may keep this man in their life. You are a very brave and courageous person...to have been able to face reality the way you did. I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME....SO GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT FOR BEING SUCH A STRONG PERSON YOU ARE....AND SEEK SOME MORE COUNSELING SO THAT YOU CAN RID YOURSELF ON THIS BAGGAGE OF ANGER...AND THEN LEAD A HAPPY LIFE. POST ANYTIME....U NEED HELP

[TheCrawfordsNM]

Believe it or not, I have no contact with him. I have not even seen him since I had to sue him and re-open our divorce in 1997. I saw him in Court and we talked for a while like nothing had ever happened and then I never saw him again. Believe it or not, this man (my ex) and I went together to a Divorce attorney and he sat there and held my hand crying and asked the Atty if he ever changed his mind could we get remarried. I honestly believe that the only reason he married this girl is because he got her knocked up and he and I had no kids yet so he had to be loyal to his children. That is the type of guy he was...that's why I never thought he would cheat...it wasn't in him. Either that or he was a very good liar. He kept telling me over and over when he left that he would always love me but this is something he had to do. She proceeded to have 2 more kids by him in the next 2 1/2 years after that...Pretty smart girl if you ask me. She was making sure she had him good and trapped. She actually called me AFTER they were married and asked me to meet her for coffee...which I did, I don't know why...and sat there asking me advice on what she should do because he would always talk about me and she was afraid he would come back to me. DUH? Hello?!? If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. Anyway, I have not seen nor spoken to my ex-husband since 1997. In fact, he has moved to another state with his job but I have kept in touch with his parents ever since, sending them a Christmas Card and letter every year. However, his father wrote me a letter this past Christmas and asked me to stop having contact with them because even though they love me and always will and they think what he did was wrong they feel that me keeping in contact with them is preventing me from healing and moving on with my life. I have respected their wishes, of course. Needless to say, all of these posts I have been reading really are helping and putting a new perspective on things for me. I guess all this time I have blamed myself and thought "If I only had done this" or "If I hadn't done that" and that I should have tried to keep him but I just couldn't see begging a man to love me and stay with me that had obviously not had the same feelings for me. It was, however, like a different person. From the moment I found about her he was like someone I had never met. Distant, cold, and like he didn't give a rat's ass that he was throwing away 7 years and breaking my heart. I'm not even certain that he felt one moment of guilt for what he's done and I guess I never will. So is life. My husband now is not only 10 times better looking than my first husband, he is a fabulous father and most of the time a pretty great husband too. He moved in with me 2 weeks after we met...4 weeks later I was pregnant...and two months after meeting eachother we were saying "I do" on the beach in Maui, Hawaii. We've been married 3 years now and he's adopted my son and given him his last name. He's great. I just want to be able to give him all of me. Thanks for all the help! Michelle

[midori]

Funny thing about people who feel guilty ... they sometimes tend to behave even more cruelly. Perhaps seeking to escalate the situation so that the person they hurt will retaliate, thus giving the original wrong-doer grounds for denouncing the person they hurt. Some people just can't face the consequences of their actions.

 

You're so much better off, clearly. That's all that matters.

[Tony T]

You always hit the points so on the nail and so clearly. I have often witnessed the behavior you described in your post above and could never, ever figure out why. It's still nuts to me. But, then again, there are an awful lot of crazy people in this world.

 

I don't know if you realize it, but you have explained why lots of people are mean to those who are very nice to them. They feel guilty about accepting gifts and other kindnesses from people they don't particularly care about so they crap on them...hoping to get something worse back so they can feel better (if you get my point). Hell, that's the point you just made.

 

With such a grasp of human behavior, how do you keep your sanity in such a bizarre world?

[midori]

although I can't claim that the insight is mine. David Mamet laid it out in The Spanish Prisoner: "They will behave cruelly toward you because they feel guilty."

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by TheCrawfordsNM

He OWES me those answers. It's not fair. He should have to pay for what he did to me

 

He doesn't OWE you, or anyone else, anything. He pledged his loyalty and love to you and failed to follow through on that promise - but that doesnt mean that he owes you anything.

 

The only thing in life that is fair, is that eventually we all die. Between birth and death there are no guarantees and what may seem unfair to you will seem fair to another.

 

Why should he have to pay for what he did to you? You are divorced now. You had no children together - so he has no responsibility in that regard.

 

I would be devastated if my husband cheated on me. I'm sure I would go through the same range of emotions that you have/are going through. I'm sure I would want to lash out too -- it's natural to want to hurt the ones that hurt you.

 

I hope that your coming here and reading so many opinions and thoughts will help you to move past this. Not just for you, but for your family too.

[Just A Girl2]

I just noticed something that the original poster wrote:

 

"My husband now is not only 10 times better looking than my first husband, he is a fabulous father and most of the time a pretty great husband too. He moved in with me 2 weeks after we met...4 weeks later I was pregnant...and two months after meeting eachother we were saying "I do" on the beach in Maui, Hawaii."

 

Not trying to be judgmental at all, but just curious here....it seems you moved into your current relationship (and subsequent marriage) *extremely* quickly.....most people don't move in together after 2 weeks, wow.

 

Do you think you did this because you were hoping being with your current husband would help ease the pain from your ex? Kind of a rebound thing? It sounds like you really didn't have all that much time to really heal from your past marriage. How long after you divorced the first guy did you meet this current one?

 

I'm actually a little suprised that you jumped into a second marriage so quickly....considering you admit to having trouble trusting.

 

Maybe the above could explain why you're still having problems putting your past behind you??

[TheCrawfordsNM]

I totally agree with you that I jumped into this marriage VERY quickly, however, it was NOT a rebound thing. My divorce from #1 was final on September 5, 1996 and I married my current husband on October 26, 2000 so there was a 4 year time frame in there. I did have a rebound (my son's father) that I was in a relationship with and lived with for almost 2 years immediately following my divorce but after I split from him I stayed completely single for 2 years trying to get my head and heart straight. I dated casually but never had a boyfriend in these two years. When I met my current husband it was instantly that we both knew we should be together. We never had any doubts and it's been nearly 3 years now and we are still going strong. Do I think I could be more open and giving to him? yes, perhaps. But I also believe that our past makes us what we are and that someday I will eventually let my walls down. My husband now knows what I went through and how tender that subject is for me. He also knows that I kept my wedding dress and ring from my ex-husband as well as a huge box in the attic that has all of our photos together from High School. Prom, our Wedding, etc. and letters between the two of us and that sort of thing. That is part of my past and I told him that if he was that jealous that he couldn't handle me having photos in a box that we didn't need to be together. He is totally OK with it. I guess if you are someone who only gives yourself half-heartedly to a relationship you can not fathom what I am going through, however, if you pour your heart and soul into a relationship like I do then you could understand. I also think it would be different if I had any CLUE that he was leaving or having an affair and if I had gotten some closure or been able to get some answers and a goodbye. They say it takes one year to get over every year you were with someone and I am coming right up to that mark. I only hope that it's true. I WANT to be over all this...trust me...it is not fun to be in constant hurt and turmoil. Hopefully, with the advice from you all and the help of God I will be able to move on sooner than later. Thanks again!

[quankanne]

Crawford, I've seen both my sisters go through divorces around the same time, and while each handled it differently, it was harder to watch the second one because she still loved her no-good, lying, cheating husband dearly, and he used that to his advantage. Yeah, she dated, but she treated the men like **** because she didn't trust any of them. Eventually, though, she married a good friend of hers who worked for the same company as she did, and it amazes me how much hope that relationship has given her. I don't think I've seen her this happy even when she was married to her high school sweetheart. I think she finally told herself to let him go, that he wasn't going to come back to her, that he wasn't going to give her the closure she needed, she had to do it herself. Of course, she later told us that her ex was NOT happy when she announced she was going to remarry (he had already divorced his second wife and had lived with 2 other women), because he expected her to wait for him!

 

As hard as it is to admit that your marriage failed -- especially when you considered it a vow before God -- hanging on to your anger at what happened is only going to backfire on you. It's just not worth having those kinds of feelings for someone who did you wrong. It sounds like your husband now is a compassionate man who cares a lot about you, and he deserves ALL of you in this relationship, not just what you can dole out because you're focusing too much on what happened with your ex.