Wife Seperated two months time-what now?

[dideverything]

I am 29, she is 24. My wife left about two months ago, saying that she didn't think it would work out. Nothing more than that. She left to go to her mothers house and has been there ever since. I love(d) her with my whole heart and did everything in my marriage to take care of her and fulfill her needs. In the three and a half years we have been married (No Kids) and six years together I have done everything that I can think of to treat her well.

 

We have been to Hawaii, Catalina, Vegas, Disneyland, and Disneyworld for vacations. Yet she complains about the places we haven't been (Sea World, Camping, The Zoo) I have spent thousands on her clothes and her personal things, yet she complains about what she doesn't have. She wanted a bigger house so six months ago, I got her that. A new bedroom set, computers. I spent as much time with her as possible considering my job, taking her out to quality dinners and spending time supporting her.

 

When we got married, she had just become a cook and and graduated, and decided that she no longer wanted to be a chef. So $40,000 in student loans gone to waste. She then decided to take after her mothers career and has spent a few years in school for that. I have supported her and spent more money on her new career choice.

 

I have never cheated, never abused her physically or mentally, never denied her anything she wanted. She wanted to hang with her girlfriends, I supported her and did not hold her back. In her mind, she was a kept woman though she rarely cleaned, paid bills, or was sexual. She had the best of everything and I treated her like a princess.

 

Two months ago she hits me with the bombshell of the seperation and went off with her very controlling mother for a week long cruise. Comes back and doesn't speak to me for a week and a half, like she is mad at me? So she finally talks to me and agrees to go to counsling and say that she doesn't think she wants to work on it, but she still wants me to see a counsler and both of us to see a marriage counsler too. So several thousand dollars later (Several unproductive counsling sessions-due to her lack of communication) and a month and a half, she is still gone and says that she needs her space and time to think, that she hasn't had enough of it and that my calling was pressuring her. So I haven't spoken to her in a week, and now I am wondering what to do now.

 

I have gone through and read many of the earlier posts from other people and I realize that I made many of the same mistakes they did. I tried too hard. I sent her flowers, sent her mother a big gift for her birthday, paid off her car, gave her money for spending allowances, paid for her cel phone, made her a couple of romantic dinners (Which were unsuccesful). I tried and went to an individual counsler and met with them. Basicly, I did everything that I can think of to try and save this marriage. I went through all of the stages and blamed myself, had some severe depression breakdowns and tried barginang. I couldn't believe that this had all come out of nowhere.

 

Now I am pissed and angry. I did everything right and loved my wife with my whole heart, and I know I would do everything for her if the roles were reversed. I have supported her emotionally, financially, and everything that is required of a husband.

 

She has complained that 'I didn't communicate' though when she was angry, she would clam up and not talk or run to her mothers house. When we did finally talk, she would glaze over in a few minutes time. She never realy had serious conversations about our relationship and never believed that she needed to improve.

 

I am meeting with my therapist on Thursday and I am very angry. I am this close to filing the papers immediatly. She thinks that we can be friends, but to be honest I never want to see her again, I never want to hear from her again, I want her out of my life forever. I want all pictures, memories and anything that reminds me of her gone.

 

From everything that I have spoken from my friends and family and the posts that I have read here. It sounds to me that this is typical of women this age. Immature, Selfish and conceited. They want everything but are not willing to work on anything. Immediate gratification comes to mind. The quote that was classic is the " the person that cares the least is the one who controls the relationship".

 

But the thing is, I don't want to lose the anger. I am angry and will never forgive her for this. I don't want to spend one moment ever thinking about her again. I am going to sever all ties completely and pretend that I made a horrible mistake and was in a coma for the last several years.

 

Now my question is, is this wrong? I know I do love her, and I know if she got some sense smacked into her head, she would turn around and I would probably take her back. But she is currently with her mother who has already failed in her relationships and is a major control person, she is glad to have her daughter back and is most likely brainwashing her daughter, because she won't even speak to her former friends or anyone else who would possibly disagree with her. Her divorced Father is on my side and has even said that she is acting like a spoiled rotten brat.

 

I seemingly have all the support from everybody, logically I am doing the right thing, and any body with half a brain can see who is at fault here. Yet I still do love her and I find this very hard to do. I can see myself taking her back, if I thought she would change.

 

I am interested in input and what is the percentage of seperations that actually work out. If this is only going to last another four-five years and this repeats I don't want to do this. This just seems very typical of women in general these days who want everything and nothing is enough. Do women like this ever wise up? Or do they need to hit rock bottom before things make sense?

 

Would appreciate any comments.

[jmargel]

Only some wise up in age. You can't fix immaturity. This is what she has and learned from her mother. Unless you want to support her continuiously and get nothing in return then it's time to chalk this upto an experience and move on.

 

You will be going through the five stages of grief, if you search for it you will notice you are already in the anger stage, which is fine. You deal with it however you wish to as long as you don't pursue her. She will continue to play this game with you because she knows that you will always be there. However, I can GUARANTEE the first time she hears that you have moved on and started dating someone else, she will be the type to come and want back in. DON'T do it. I am in a similiar marriage where my wife has the mentality of a 15 year old. I call it false advertising because she hid it very well.

 

My counselor told me, which I believe is the same for your marriage is that you & I are the parents and our wives are the children. Marriages don't last that way, they need to wise up so that the marriage is on an adult/adult level.

 

In all honesty what were you getting out of the marriage? You had to buy her things to keep her happy. That is not true love, the problem with her is that she puts herself #1 and with that attitude nothing is going to change. Perhaps 10 years from now she will notice that she messed up but by that time I really hope you have moved on.

 

At least you don't have any children to her, think of that as a blessing.

[Ladyjane14]

J's right. You have no way to know if your WW will EVER grow out of her "princess" phase. At 24, she still might turn it around one day and become somebody who's emotionally mature and well-rounded. On the other hand... this might be 'who she is' for the rest of her life. Now, imagine living with THAT when she's 34, or 44, or 54.

And they say life is too short! You'd be beggin' for the mercy of a nice long dirt-nap before 30 years had passed.

 

I promise you... if you can avoid Drama Queens and Princesses, you'll find you a better woman. Not to make light of your feelings, which are bound to be deep, but that wasn't the only woman on the face of the planet.

 

...she is currently with her mother who has already failed in her relationships and is a major control person, she is glad to have her daughter back and is most likely brainwashing her daughter, because she won't even speak to her former friends or anyone else who would possibly disagree with her.

 

Your wife may be a young woman, but she's a woman still. She's too old for her mama to be telling her what to do and what to believe, and you can bet she's fully aware of that as a fact.

 

Let your WW "carry her own bags" on this. It's not brainwashing. It's her conscious CHOICE and no one else's. Hell, I bet if Mama tells her to wash the dishes or mop the floor or something else she doesn't WANT to do... she'll find her mouth. She could just as easily find it where her marriage is concerned too, but she hasn't, has she?

 

It might be true that Mom's a harpy. But... it doesn't alter the fact that your wife is making her OWN choices and that at the end of the day, she's the one who's responsible for them.

[Woggle]

This is typical behavior. They are never happy with what they have. Give them the world and they want the galaxy and give them the galaxy and they want the universe.

[dideverything]

Unfortunately, I see a common thread withme and most other guys in this forum and I notice this is very common among people my age for the women. Wether Women's lib is to blame or the fact that in our culture women are sorta placed on pedestals and its all about the "what have you done for me lately" kind of attitude. Nothing ever seems to be enough.

I have heard my Mother-in-law has her running her sister around and doing errands. This upsets my wife, because she does not like to get up until 10am and this is cutting into her late sleeping schedule. Her mother is very controlling and I know you all say that she has a mind of her own. It is very easy for her to be influenced by her mother. Her mother says jump, she says how high. Its really sort of sad to see it, but Karma is a bitch some times. When we were together, she essentially slept in late, never cleaned the house, occasionally went to school and partied with her friends. The funny thing is that her mother won't give her money and her 6 hours a week working doesnt pay the bills. She emptied out one of our joint banking accounts this morning, forunately is was one I sorta forgot about and she only got $70 which tells me that the money train is sorta getting tight for her. I wouldn't have paid off the car, except for the fact that she got it a few years ago and my Dad had cosigned and I didn't need her bouncing checks paying for it.

Understand that when we met, she was extremely sweet and a good person. She did actually think of others and wasn't the selfish bitch she is now. I really miss that part of my wife. I haven't changed, never a partier and very straight laced. She got worse and worse and one of the straws that broke the camels back was when she came home at 4am from who knows where. I do not think that she is physically cheating, mentally probably, but not physically.

When this marriage ends, most of our friends who have witnessed this downward spiral will not speak to her after this. They are essentially on my side for all intents and purposes and wll not be speaking to her again, which I hope either wakes her up or it may sadly drive her further into her mothers clutches. Either way it will no longer be my concern.

I am still sad and regretful of all of this, but I stopped blaming myself and put the blame where it should be. I can say almost certainly that this is all her fault with backing by anybody who knows both of us and our relationship.

The funny thing is I was unaware of all these other people who were interested in me and I am constantly being asked if I finally gave up and filed the papers yet, by others and those wishing to set me up. Fortunately I am still relatively young, in good shape, pretty decent looking, and make pretty good money, so I hope I do well in the open market. Ot of respect to the marriage, I will not actively pursue any of these until the papers have been filed and her **** is out of the house. Then and only then will I have made the final mental seperation and moved on.

I know some are saying that the anger is only a phase, but I don't know. I spent untold amounts of money on her and her desires and whims, I gave six years of my life, I spent my free time and my heart and soul on this person who hurt me financially, emotionally, and mentally. I don't see myself forgiving and forgetting that type of thing. I don't want to be friends or even acquaintances after this. This is the hardest type of severing I can think of. I never want to see her or her face ever again. Its hard to believe that I will get past that. In my opinion, she is an awful person and someone who I never want to know again.

[Gunny376]

This little gal is,....................well all of that's already clearly been stated. Time to cut your loses and move on with your life. Just that plain and simple.

 

As for the six year investment of time, effort and energy? I would just look at it as an expensive lesson ~ one not to be repeated. After giving yourself some time to get your head together, you'll have a clearer image of what you are and aren't looking for in a relationship.

[Woggle]

Women tend to change for the worse after marriage and then when you get tired of the witch she has turned into she accuses you of not supporting her growth.

[LakesideDream]

Now what? Come on dude. You know what to do. Call that lawyer and get the ball rolling. It's your turn to ignore her if you want to.

 

If you don't want to ignore her, she'll come back. Oh what fun eh? When you take her back she can start the cycle all over again.

 

People almost never change, they evolve slowly. Look at her "controlling" mother. She didn't change. She raised a controlling daughter. Time to lavish your love and generousity on a more deserving subject.

[notspiritual]

I wonder why my post describing the typical modern western woman was removed . Women tend to use men as a tool to stay at home and do nothing. When the husband has accumulated enough assets, she divorces to get 50% of his wealth. Marriage is a great game that women play because they cannot lose. I don't blame them - it is a smart move. Man should know that there are no advantage for them to get married.

 

she is an awful person and someone who I never want to know again.

You have a great clarity of mind. Don't let her manipulate you to think differently. When your wife will realize that her new life is uncomfortable she will blame you for it and claim that you should send her money. When that time comes, remember how she dumped you with no mercy.

 

I am tired of reading the same stories over and over again. It seems like women's true nature is worse than I imagined. Maybe Arthur Schopenhauer was right about women.

[dideverything]

For the past few days and almost a week, I have been extremely strong with this and ready to just file and say the heck with it and move on. Now I find myself back-tracking yet again. For all the anger that I have, I still believe I do love her and that part of me believes that she still loves me. I am now finding it hard to carry through with filing. She has been an absolute witch and cold person, but I don't believe that is her and part of me is still looking for the good inside. Ala Luke and Darth-Return of the Jedi.

 

But is it too late. This whole seperation thing came on like a ton of bricks and out-of-nowhere. Maybe it is just a phase. I have given her tons of room in the last week and haven't called or spoken. She said that she needed space, but then she still does the mind-games when we last spoke and said that "I love you". So maybe right now she is really confused and needs some time to gather her head. She has all her stuff still at the house and she has made no attempt to pick it up. She has sorta just stayed in limbo not really moving forward one way or another.

 

I am not as sure of myself anymore, and upon further reading and conversations, I see people saying and remarking. "that you don't give up on your marriage until the end" Or is that just wishful thinking.

 

There are a million and one reasons for me just to walk away and all of them are justified and would be the smart and logical thing to do.

 

There is only one reason for me to try and stay, and that is because after all of the crap, I still love her.

 

The one is beating the million right now and I do not know what to do.

[jmargel]

Of course you still love her, for you to not would really have me worried or believe that you were in denial. Remember her IMMATURITY. She will hold onto you as a safety net. Giving her space? How come you are waiting for her to make all the decisions?

 

Honestly unless she goes to a counselor and stays there for the long term I don't see her treating you the way a husband should be treated. It's easy to romanticize the past with someone you invested a lot of time in. You have to catch yourself when you hit those moments and force yourself to think of all the hurt she caused you. Then take your mind somewhere else and start doing something positive.

 

You can't change her. With her immaturity I don't even know if she knows the true meaning of love yet. Sounds to her that love is very conditional and unless you want to be in a marriage of you always having to worry if she is happy enough with you, then it's time to show some tough love.

 

Einstein said it best when he said Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Keep giving her space, keep doing what she wants and that is what you will continue to get in return. Disrespect. It's time to STOP rolling over and piddling when she barks her commands. It's time to GIVE her the ultamatium if you are even remotely thinking of staying with her. Either counseling/psychologist or it's over.

 

If you think things will change while just sitting there wallowing and her using this 'free time' to explore her other options then you are in for alot of hurt and confusion.

 

Save your self a ton of time by switching tracks and start making some changes.

[dideverything]

We have both been to the marriage counsler together. She will be seeing an individual Therapist on Thursday. So there is some progress. Is it enough, or am I just being impatent, or am I just wishing on a star?

 

She said some real hurtful things, but were they just defense mechanisms for her to protect herself and create some space. So far it has only been seperation between the two of us. She has not brought up the D-word and when I said that I didn't want a divorce, she said that she didn't either. Granted that was two weeks ago.

 

But unfortunately, I am overanalytic and read way too much into things and sometimes see hope where there might be none. I find myself going over what some of her earlier comments were and deciphering them for clues to what she is thinking, and its extremely mixed messaged.

 

I think the tough love is the right thing to do. I normally think of myself as a strong person and the rock people usually come to, in this circumstance I find myself surprisingly weak.

[whichwayisup]

She's so ungrateful for what you've done for her - Being her loving husband, providing for her, both emotionally and financially. She sounds immature and isn't ready for the responsibility, let alone effort made, to be a good wife. High maitenance comes to mind...

 

Continue with therapy, and also, distance yourself from her. She needs to see what life would be like without you in it. You loved her with all your heart, did alot for her (Not that there is anything wrong with that) but she relied on you in EVERY WAY, took advantage, wasn't appreciative of the $$ factor in all this. Yes, a marriage becomes WE, but it really seems she thought "ME, not US".

[Melovator]

But unfortunately, I am overanalytic and read way too much into things and sometimes see hope where there might be none. I find myself going over what some of her earlier comments were and deciphering them for clues to what she is thinking, and its extremely mixed messaged.

 

Stop analysing her words, start looking at her actions. This girl (I won't favour her with the honorific of woman) needs to grow up. You are not in high school anymore, which is obviously mentally where she still is.

 

You need to set boundaries with yourself so you don't get completely f**ked up by this girl- she's taking and taking and taking and giving nothing back. You need to keep something in the tank for yourself.

 

Try this question on for size: Would you want to have her as the mother of your children? Do you honestly think that someone this selfish is going to put a small person ahead of herself? If you never want kids then try substituting dog or cat- yes you can leave them at home while you shop but they still need caring for.

 

Take care of yourself first- she's not taking care of you.

[dideverything]

Yesterday was the worst night yet for me. She came by when I was not there and she took both of the dogs. We don't have children and the dogs are just as close to kids as could be. They have been one of the only things in my life that offer anything near unconditional support.

 

I literally broke down last night and was at my lowest point I have ever been. I still love her, despite everything she has done to me, I love her unconditionally.

 

I am not a stupid person, and I know that I am being self-destructive, and that she has treated me like dirt. Still I don't care. I thought that I would be over her, and Iam not.

 

I came this close to just taking a lot of sleeping pills. Fortunately I did pull back, and I am seeing my psychiatrist today on this. Fortunately common sense pulled me back from the edge.

 

This would be so much easier had I done something wrong, if I had cheated on her, or if I had abused her in some way and then I could at least have a reason all of this happened. As it is, I have no reason why it happened and that makes it so much worse.

 

I am at my lowest point, I just can't imagine my life without her, nor do I want to.

[Ladyjane14]

Oh Lord... where's Gunny when we need him????

Somebody said a few days ago that 'inside a week and he could have a man "pissing Kentucky bourbon for him"'. Ya know, I think there might be some truth in that.

 

Anyway, I'm not Gunny but "any port in a storm", right? So...

 

It's time to dig deep and find your "man-beans", fella. You're two months down the pike now, and you were NOT put here on this Earth to cry over your STBX.

 

Now, I know it's a bit of a generality, but men often have a hard time NOT "fixing" things... particularly as it applies to the ones they love. But this isn't something YOU can fix. Your STBXW has made what she thinks is the best personal happiness choice for her. Now it's time for YOU to do the same.

 

I know, that 'putting things back the way they were' is off the table... but this is where the "man-beans" come in. IOW... you "overcome and adapt".

 

I love my dogs, same as you do.

But in your position, I believe I'd take myself on down to the shelter and bring home a new dog. There are animals in shelters all over this country who are needing someone to love and care for them... and here you are, with room in your home and heart.

 

And while we're about it... I'd like to recommend to you that in addition to following up regularly with your therapist, you find 10 Good Things to appreciate each and every day. Don't wallow in the bog. Set a time limit for "wallowing", maybe 20 minutes each day. Then, lift your eyes up, grab your "beans"... and go "rub some sunshine on your face".

 

It takes time to heal... but you can't build healthy emotional "habits" until you 'get started', right? So, even if it's just baby steps... your best bet is to become proactive and get INVOLVED in your own healing.

[Gunny376]

First off Mister there's not a woman on the planet worth suiciding yourself over ~ not a single freaking one.

 

IMHO, YOUR problem here isn't that your "in love" ~ this isn't love, not the healthy kind anyway. You need this kind of love like your need another freaking hole in your head. For your own personal mental and emotional health you need to kick this un-appreciative, self-centered, selfish, manipulative, controlling, cowardly woman to the freaking curb.

 

All she cares about is herself and the only thing she cares about you is what she can get out of you, what you can do, and what have you done for her lately. You've gone and got yourself a material girl ~ a freaking princess. The sooner you cut any and all ties with her the better.

 

AS verses says, 'If yea eye's offends you ~ PLUCK IT OUT!'

 

What's this gal bringing to the party? Nothing!

 

What's she got that 150 other women in the US, (which btw 1 out 9 live in CA) hasn't got? Nothing

 

What's she got that you can't find just as f**king good ~ if not better, just as much of if not better somewhere else?

 

Newsflash for you there Slick ~ there's no freaking shortage of women ~ the damned place is covered up with them. But ask any woman, and they will tell you there a hugh freaking shortage of good men.

 

What you have for this little gal isn't what I personally would call love. I WOULD call it more obession. And its not freaking healthy.

 

This thing was doomed to begin with. The success rate for men who marry under the age of 25 is only 10%.

 

And let me take a wild guess? You slept with her a short time after you begin dating?

 

The reason so many marriages fail is because folks go from being acquaintences to lovers. There's no foundation laid.

 

The way it should work, is you start out as acquaninteces, then friends, then good friends, best of friends, then exclusive best friends and then

lovers. You can tell you best friend virtually anything. But once you become lovers, there's too much at risk. You've made an emotional investment blindly without the necessary hard work to lay a foundation and build a relationship.

 

And, to be honest? Your problem here isn't her, its your lack of confidence in your only personally ability to go out and find yourself a replacement. You never learned the rules of the dating game ~ and its very much a game. And, just as some people won't even turn on a computer, because they fear what they don't understand ~ such is you in the case of women, relationships, dating and mating. The don't teach this stuff in HS or college you know.

 

To some guys, it comes natural, some guys learned from their fathers, brothers, uncles. But its very much a learned skill. HELL man if you study and learned about the subject as much as you have IT, you'd be a lady killer.

 

As I said its a learned skill. Forget this broad! And get off you azz and go acquire the skill set that you need to be able to go find yourself a woman anywhere in the world ~ without even speaking the damned language!

 

I'm short on time today, but search mine, Sumdude and ilmw's post here on the divorce and sepearation fourmn. I've posted a bunch of books, links and threads on this subject. Might take you awhile to find them, but they're there. After all your a computer guru ~ right?

 

I'll check in on ya' when I get in from work.

 

Meanwhile?

 

Your too damned young, to be feeling this damned old!

 

Like Lady Jane once said ~ "This is the end of your marriage, not the end of your life.

 

Oh! Change the locks on the door, get another dog(s), and put her trash to the curb! You need this "girl-child" about as much as I need to walk in a biker bar and call them all a bunch of sissies!

 

Finally, cant't you see what I'm talking about? Its not her, its YOU! Its your complete and total lack of confidence in your ability to replace her.

 

Grab yourself by the "swivel stack" get a pair, get your head and azz wired back togther ~ get your act together, learn, adapt, improvise, and overcome. Identify your weaknesses and overcome them. Acquire the skill set you need to be as successful with women as you are in your professional life.

 

You've got it all wrong. Your spending money, wineing and dinning, throwing money ~ and then when that's not enough, and you've been used and abused, and they walk off ~ you're sitting there wondering why?

 

Hell I could get a date at WalMart, (in fact I have).

 

Until you've acquired the skill set(s) you need to approach women with confidence and be successful with women ~ you're going keep getting the same results. One of the definitions of insanity, is to keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

 

Forget this little "girl-child" get your act together and go find yourself a woman! When you find one ~ you'll know. She won't be in it for the money, what you've got, what you've got to offer ~ she'll be in it for you and what you've got to offer that no amount of money can buy ~ but that she knows is precious and hard to find!

 

Forget this "girl-child" ~ she had her chance! And, she's blown it! Move on! So many women ~ so little time!

[Gunny376]

BTW, I was 22 when I got married, ~ married for 12 years. I've been divored from the Hex, for seventeen years.

 

I did just fine, before I got with the Hex, and for the last seventeen, I've been doing just fine (actually even better)

 

Its like I told her, "I was looking when I found you ~ I can be looking once your gone! Your leaving only means I've got to get off my dead azz and go find myself some "new" loving!" ( To which she responded, being the fiesty "she-devil" that she was and is: "If you had two more inches, you could have found some "new" loving here!" :mad: Too which I might add ~ lesson learned? When a woman is leaving you, keep your damned mouth shut! :mad: )

[dideverything]

I understand what you are saying Gunny and have a lot of respect for you on this. This is a situation that I never saw coming. I was making plans for the rest of our lives together and here she was just one day up and leaving. I had always been under the thought process of, be a good husband, treat your wife with love and respect. Work on your marriage and try, give everything and love your partner fully.

 

Before I met her, I dated a lot and went out with a large variety of women. When I met her, it was the most amazing thing in the world. Part of my life which I never knew was there was suddenly fulfilled. She was sweet caring and loving. It was only in the past few months that it had shut-off entirely, and for reasons that were inexplicable to me.

 

We had just moved into a larger house, I had taken on a much larger payment, and bought an entire new furniture for the house. I had just paid for two semesters of her schooling. I had taken the burden of all these extra things on to make her happy.

 

This had come as a complete shock to me, and has literally broken me. It has sapped my self-confidence, my faith, and everything about me that I previously thought strong. I have withstood a lot of things in my life that would crush others, this is the only one that has really painfully hurt. I always said the only way to hurt me would be through my wife because she held my heart. I didn't know how true that was.

 

I am seeing the psych in an hour and going to talk over these things, and she is meting with a seperate therapist today. I really think, that something is wrong with her, and I don't know what. I just hope she doesn't gloss over everything and cast herself as the victim in all of this, but she has always suffered from a victims mentality.

 

Taking the dogs was enough last night to nearly send me over the edge though. That was a very very low blow. I will let you all know how it goes.

 

I am a complete moron in this, but I am still holding faith in her. I am leaving myself open for the hit and I know it, but just can't let go.

[LakesideDream]

LJ, Gunney, even Did: This guy is a classic "non-hacker". He's got it in his mind that this woman defines him after six short years of slurping at the trough.

 

They wern't sure enough of each other to commit totally.. duh. She's played him like a cheap casio piano and he loved it.

 

Now he doesen't want to even think about living his life without "her" Ah.... wallowing in self pity 'ya think? Did, until you stop crawling and whining nobody will take you seriously, certainly not your 24 year old "princess" who's been pampered every day of her life.

 

Lot's of people (and LS'ers) have been through really horrible times. Sick or injured children, desperate illness or spousal illness.. long term marriages dissolved on a whim by cheating spouses, the list is endless.

 

Your problems seem impossible to you because you have never before faced a serious challenge. This is your first real "moment". As LJ says, time to grow a pair. This pity party you have thrown is.. nausiating.

 

Gunney you know what happens to "non-hackers"... tell the folks.

[Gunny376]

This is a situation that I never saw coming.

 

That's a little thing I like to call 'LIFE" Get use to it! Its going to happen a lot and I do mean a lot! Most of the things that are going to happen to ya' ~ you never see coming. Hell even a lot of the good things. And along with that are going to come a lot of bad things. Things that come out of left field and beam you right between the eyes. Things that come out of no-where! And then all of a sudden you find yourself pulling yourself out from under a train wreck, mumbling and fumbling asking if anyone got the number of that Mack truck that just ran over your azz!

 

 

I was making plans for the rest of our lives together and here she was just one day up and leaving. I had always been under the thought process of, be a good husband, treat your wife with love and respect. Work on your marriage and try, give everything and love your partner fully.

 

Life is what happens when you make other plans. a4a and I went back and forth over this a couple of months ago. Not in an bad way, but in an open fourm way.

 

If you think for one damn second that being a good provider, not cheating on your wife, not beating her, not being emotionally neglectful, etc is enough to keep a marriage going is enough, then you are sadly mistaken my friend.

 

First off, you had probally 1/10th of the experience, knowledge to make a marriage work. Don't feel bad ~ that applies to about only 99% of us. John Wayne said it best: "There were a Hell of a lot of things they didn't tell me when I signed on with this outfit!" That's marriage!

 

Trouble is? But when it comes to going into combat, a gun fight, or marriage ~ OJT is most definately a very bad way to overcome the learning curve!

 

Per your quote above you've got this script in your head as to what marriage is and how marriage is suppose to work. Guess what? Its wrong ~ dead wrong. You acquired it bit by bit, here and there as you went along and grew up. Ditto for your wife.

 

To be honest with you? I don't think the wife is "wife" material. At least not yet ~ and perhaps she never will be.

 

Before I met her, I dated a lot and went out with a large variety of women. When I met her, it was the most amazing thing in the world. Part of my life which I never knew was there was suddenly fulfilled. She was sweet caring and loving. It was only in the past few months that it had shut-off entirely, and for reasons that were inexplicable to me.

 

Now you're seeing the "real" her, as she is, for what she is. Selfish, self-centered, immature, illresponsible, inconsiderate, 'ME! ME! ME! ITS ALL ABOUT ME!"

 

We had just moved into a larger house, I had taken on a much larger payment, and bought an entire new furniture for the house. I had just paid for two semesters of her schooling. I had taken the burden of all these extra things on to make her happy.

 

You can't buy love Brother! All the gold in California can't buy it. I don't spend a lot of money when I date. But I do show a gal a damn good time, keep her smiling, laughing, excited, interested, engaged mentally, emotionally. I excite her senses ~ and I mean all of them. And my end-game objective is nothing more than to show her a good time and to have a good time.

 

This had come as a complete shock to me, and has literally broken me. It has sapped my self-confidence, my faith, and everything about me that I previously thought strong. I have withstood a lot of things in my life that would crush others, this is the only one that has really painfully hurt. I always said the only way to hurt me would be through my wife because she held my heart. I didn't know how true that was.

 

I can relate. A man isn't a man until he's had his heart good and properly broken, smashed, and squashed by the love of his life's high heels! You get to the otherside of that? Your azz is a MAN!

 

The really good news is that once you've been through it, gone through it come through it ~ its like an innoculation. You're protected from it for LIFE! You can look at any woman and go tell her to go pound sand in her azz! You're over the mistique of women! Your past your enslavement by women.

 

"Sorry Babe! Its going to take more than makeup, an eighteen hour girdle, a Wonder Bra, and Miss Scarlet eyes! I'm looking for someone of substance!

 

I just hope she doesn't gloss over everything and cast herself as the victim in all of this, but she has always suffered from a victims mentality.

 

Dump this broad already! "Victims mentality" she's got issues! Far, far beyond what you can do for her!

 

 

Taking the dogs was enough last night to nearly send me over the edge though. That was a very very low blow. I will let you all know how it goes.

 

I understand but yet,....................they're freaking dogs! They piss on your carpet, they crap in your shoes, they run out in front of Mack trucks. They chew up your shoes, they chew up your ________________ They're DOGS for crying out loud. Don't get me wrong ~ I love dogs! But, they're dogs! And I've gotten very attached to some, and loved them, and some of them have been damn good friends on the back forty, and I prefer some of them to most people! But, when all is said and done they're dogs, and they have a very finite lifespan!

 

And, I'm still trying to get this one wrapped around my head, you're thinking of suiciding yourself because the EX came over and took the dogs?

 

Dude!? Reality? What a concept!

[Gunny376]

LJ, Gunney, even Did: This guy is a classic "non-hacker". He's got it in his mind that this woman defines him after six short years of slurping at the trough.

 

They wern't sure enough of each other to commit totally.. duh. She's played him like a cheap casio piano and he loved it.

 

Now he doesen't want to even think about living his life without "her" Ah.... wallowing in self pity 'ya think? Did, until you stop crawling and whining nobody will take you seriously, certainly not your 24 year old "princess" who's been pampered every day of her life.

 

Lot's of people (and LS'ers) have been through really horrible times. Sick or injured children, desperate illness or spousal illness.. long term marriages dissolved on a whim by cheating spouses, the list is endless.

 

Your problems seem impossible to you because you have never before faced a serious challenge. This is your first real "moment". As LJ says, time to grow a pair. This pity party you have thrown is.. nausiating.

 

Gunney you know what happens to "non-hackers"... tell the folks.

 

You know, I know ~ Marines know! LJ isn't a Marine, never was a Marine, but she's got a Spartain brain housing group ~ and would have made a damn fine WM (Woman Marine) ~ no brainer there! ilmw knows. Crying Cunuk knows. So does DropDeadLegs and too many others to list?

 

But how do you explain to someone the "fire in the belly" feeling? That "come Hell, damnation, and high water" determination? How do you explain to someone, "the mouse flipping off the eagle" as one of the last great acts of defiance as it swoops down to grasp the mouse with its talons? How do you describe hanging on, beyond hope to the bitter end? How do you explain "hacking it?" How do you explain internal fortitude? How do you explain "no surrender ~ no defeat" is un-acceptable. How do you explain never backing down! How do you explain Spartians like

 

US?

[Gunny376]

You made it through Marine OCS and the "Basic School?" + Vietnam?

 

Nothing but RESPECT! All day long! All day HARD!

 

SemperFi Mac!

[LakesideDream]

Gunney, six weeks into basic, my DI called me out and said "sign this" handed me a bic and turned his back. I signed. Lord knows I had no idea what I was signing.

 

After graduation, as we sat on the floor getting assignments, he named everyone but me, all but one went to infantry, one went to intel. he was a photography freak. He handed me my papers and said "Jesus What Have We Done"? and I was off to OCS. Eleven days after I graduated there I was feet dry, (my choice to blow leave, I was pretty unhappy at home).

 

I wasn't born again until my second real fight. My first I was just scared literally senseless. After the second when I actually forced myself to function I changed. Getting dead wasn't the worst thing that could happen to me anymore. Making avoidable mistakes that got others dead was much worse. Letting some scumbag in pajama's (acutally most of them had green uni's by then) get over on me and mine was out of the question. 'Course I didn't think of it exactly that way back then.

 

I've never been worried about being dead since. I'm no daredevil, but I did stuff. Went into a burning house to get out the geezers next door, dangerous jobs when I was young.. you've been there.

[LakesideDream]

Oh.. you will enjoy this. When the "Ground war" tipped off in 91, I left work early and arrived about the same time my ex did. I turned on the TV sat there for a moment then went into the bedroom, kneeled beside the bed and cried. My ex came in and said "what's the matter with you?" I said "I should be there" her reply was an exasperated "Oh defication" (sic), and walked out. Of course I was 40, fat, and beat up physically but my soul was 8000 miles away. I knew how to keep 'em alive.