Missa2126 Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 So my boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years. (November will be our 5 year mark.) I am 22, going to be 23 very soon and he will be 23 in February. We have always talked about getting married and having children and he's always making comments about "when we're married" or "when we have children" but he doesn't seem to want to actually ask me. I know that a lot of people think we're still too young to get married and not to rush it. I agree not to rush into it but I don't feel we're too young. We've been through a lot together and have spent time apart and dated other people so all that really isn't an issue to us. We have settled down together and I know that one day, we will get married. It's just a matter of when he will ask. My question is... if he talks about it but yet won't actually ask, what is the deal? Some people tell me maybe he's just not ready to get married "right now" and feels if he asks me that I will make him get married right away. Or maybe simply that he just isn't ready to ask. I just see a lot of my friends getting engaged who are the same age and haven't been together nearly as long as my boyfriend and I... so it's kind of frustrating b/c I feel as though I'm doing something wrong. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Zona76 Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Silly question... but You want to get married because? You're young. And why get married when things are so great? I'm not against marriage, I think it's great. But in todays society we don't need matrimony to be accepted. Try a different aspect. Develop a new outlook and feel as well as believe that "living together" is fine. You both are not wanting children NOW. You can use this time to continue with your education. Or furthering your career. I know couples who have never married and lived together 20+ years. They DO wear bands. As a symbol to show the world they are life partners. Maybe you both could wear bands. Have a personal ceremony of dedication to spending your life and love with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missa2126 Posted August 7, 2007 Author Share Posted August 7, 2007 Good question. I don't want to get married because I want to be "accepted." I want to get married b/c I want to make that commitment to each other. I am dedicated to him in every way possible and while most people in today's world don't seem to take marriage too seriously anymore, I do. I believe marriage is special and sacred and it's very important to me. I agree we're still young. In all actuality, I could wait a couple more years to actually get married. But I would like that "next step" of an engagement. If he wants a long one, we'll have a long one. It's just a matter of saying "hey, I'm willing to make this small commitment (engagement) to you now and will make a bigger commitment (marriage) to you down the road. Perhaps that is a silly way to look at it. But I just want that next step. But thank you for your input. I am truly trying to have a different outlook on it... hence the reason I'm asking for everyone else's advice! So thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Hazy Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 The next time he says something like "when we get married" or "when we have kids" you need to call him on it. Seriously, if he's throwing that around, you should call him on these comments he's making. For example, "OK, honey, looks like it's time to go ring shopping so we can pick out my engagement ring and start planning the wedding." If he's serious about marrying you, he will be happy and excited regarding this conversation. If he isn't, he will stammer and studder and not give you an answer or put off or say some crap like "No rush. No need to discuss specifics" THEN you know that he's simply throwing around the marriage and future kids talk to keep you around for now with no intentions of following through. Seriously...you have to not let those comments slide. Also, you have been seeing him for 5 years, you should be getting married fairly soon, no really long engagement. It's time for him to put his money where his mouth is. If he says the "there's no rush" crap that is total BS because remember, you have been in a relationship for five years! So to say "No rush" doesn't make any sense! You have allowed PLENTY of time to reach the engagement/marriage stage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missa2126 Posted August 7, 2007 Author Share Posted August 7, 2007 It's refreshing to know that there are other people out there who think like me and don't think I'm "too young" to want a commitment like engagement or marriage. So, thank you. My boyfriend is currently in the Corrections Academy and will be graduating in 2 1/2 weeks. Everyone tells me to wait until after he graduates b/c they all feel he will ask me then. So I'm going to give it a couple more weeks. But if still nothing, I am definitely going to call him out on his comments. I think we need to have a serious talk about this b/c I don't want to be with someone 10 years or so and still nothing, ya know? Again, thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 If you have lived with a guy for a few years, and he hasn't proposed, in most cases it's because he doesn't want to get married. Either he is against marriage on principle, doesn't think you are "the one", or isn't ready yet. If it's the latter, then you need to find out why - maybe he wants to be more established in his career, be able to put a downpayment on a house or something? You won't know until you ask. Don't pressure him - but next time he raises the subject, ask him about it. Subtly try to find out why he's not into it just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Missa, You have commented a few times that you don't think you are too young, but that other people might. What about your bf? When does he think a good age for marriage is? Is he in the crowd that thinks 23 is to young? Ask him when he thinks that the two of you will get married. Sounds like he is focusing on his career right now. That's admirable. You should be able to talk about this and be clear on your wants and desires and his wants and desires. Marriage is serious business (as you seem to know) so the whole idea that a proposal shouldn't be talked about before hand seems crazy to me. You need to know EXACTLY what you are agreeing to before you agree to it. You guys need to sit down and talk about what marriage means to each of you, and not only in the romantic sense, but in the practical sense as well. By practical I mean how the money will be handled, will one of you stay home with the kids or both work, how many kids, and all those type of things. It is my honest opinion it isn't time for a proposal you've had such conversations over and over again. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
KatM Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 it sounds like he is graduating and beginning to think about the future and committing to you, but that he's still trying out the idea. he may also be putting it out there to gauge your reaction, maybe to see how you're feeling about getting married without having to ask you and risk rejection. i would give him some time to try out the idea of being married to you before getting too worried. it is just my opinion, but it seems to me that guys tend to focus on one thing at a time. they seem to like to finish school, get a job, and then think about getting married. my female friends tend to worry about everything all at once. in some ways the male approach is frustrating, in other ways it really makes a lot of sense. i would just give him some time, it sounds like he'll come around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missa2126 Posted August 7, 2007 Author Share Posted August 7, 2007 I've been thinking back on past conversations he and I have had and I would have to totally agree with what you just said. Since he's been in the Academy (I see him every weekend) he always comes home and all he talks about is wanting to buy us a house and that's going to be the first thing he does when he is done. We were also talking about 3 weeks ago and the topic came up of how I never get my way with anything. (Not just with him, I mean in general, I seem to have to work twice as hard as anyone else to get anything, haha. Of course, that's my perception. haha.) But the conversation was light and we were kinda joking around about it and he says something to the effect of "Relax, you'll get what you want; all in due time. All in due time, babe." At the time I just brushed it off and said a joking yeah, okay. But perhaps that we a hint towards the future? Or perhaps not. But thinking back I'm realizing a lot of little things that could be his way of subtly hinting just to give him time. And he is one of those people who focuses on one thing at a time. It was his career before and now that he is almost done with the Academy, he is focused on the house situation. So maybe it'll eventually come down to getting engaged. I just gotta give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 There are dozens of reasons he hasn't asked you yet... unfortunately, for all the theorizing here, the only person that really knows is him. I will however say that any person that states their age as "I'm X, but soon I'll be Y!" is too young. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missa2126 Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 Thank you all for your input! I have since talked to my boyfriend and to put it simply, he wants to marry me but said it will happen "in due time." He also told me to relax and that it will happen so to not think so negatively. He just wants to get things in order first. (i.e. careers, house, finances, etc.) So I guess I just have to wait until he feels it's the right time. Thank you again!! Link to post Share on other sites
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