dauphine Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 This evening I was chatting with my husband and he was looking for jobs earlier in the day... he has been unemployed for three months. He then tells me he was looking at personal ads on craigslist as well. Coming from a previous marriage where my husband was a serial cheater.. I guess you could say I am a little jumpy... Anyway... I asked him why he was looking at personal ads.. he said "just to see how it works".... I said "how WHAT WORKS?"... he said "I don't know.. just to see because I was curious".... I then asked him if he does this often and he said no... however he started to get mad at me and tell me I was being suspicious.... I said "no... I just want to know how often you do this".... then he said "you know, I am just being honest and now you are getting mad at me"... Then he told me he clicked on a Real Estate link as well at that it was no different.. In which case.. this turned into a full blown fight... My question is.. PLEASE tell me I am overreacting because of my horrible history and that its not big deal he was looking.. right??? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Frankly, I'd say it's pretty insane for a man to tell his wife he was reading personal ads on the Internet...no matter what the reason. I can understand him glancing out of curiosity but if that's all it was he simply doesn't understand women if he thinks he can get by with casually telling his wife he looked at them. People usually do get rather defensive when they get shoved into a corner. I don't think he gave a lot of thought to where that announcement could take him...and once you reacted the way you did he simply got defensive out of fear. He's obviously done stupid things like that before...that's my bet. I think you should be mad that you chose a rather ignorant man for a husband...but mad at yourself, not him. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 My gut feeling is that you're overreacting. I have done things like this, even while in a relationship, with absolutely NO intent of seeing anything I wanted. Because of my interest in Psychology and human nature in general, things like personal ads and Craigslist fascinate me. You see such interesting sides of people there. Heck, I even look at men looking for women ads because guys' ads are funny and entertaining. That's all it is for some people. Why would he tell you? Dunno. Could he see you as the kind of person who would snoop to see what he was up to on the computer? If you're untrusting and snoopy he told you to be upfront so you wouldn't act the way you did when he told you. Otherwise, he must have felt it was innocent enough to tell you. At any rate, hold his past against him, not your past. Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I'm with TonyT when it comes to this man's sanity -he's, #1, foolish for scanning through the personal ads (in hopes of finding what, pray tell? Certainly, not a job. And he already has a relationship, at least, for now.) -and #2- he was just plain stupid for telling you. I think it's a clear-cut case for abuse of honesty. (Smile) But when anyone is unemployed their mind seems to veer easily off the track of good common sense, in some cases -just how much it veers depends on the usual habits of the person, in general. He could be bored, feel a lessened sense of self-esteem, and just have more time on his hands to wander around doing useless, potentially damaging, and idiotic things. Whether or not this is the way he usually keeps his character is for you to decide, since you know him best. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I'm with Krytellan....I look at craigslist occasionally because I think it is interesting what people say about themselves and what they say they are looking for. Most of the time it's like, "wow...who in the **** would write that??". I wouldn't worry. If he was really thinking about answering one, he sure as heck wouldn't have told you that he was looking! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I think it is quite normal to be curious about those sites... No big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
playabum17 Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I'll admit that I use my parents relationship as a model for how a relationship should work as it has worked extremely well for them. They have a very open and honest relationship. The reason I am saying this is because I can see my Dad telling my Mom that he was looking at personal ads and "you should see some of the stuff in there" and them talking and joking about it. No big deal. I think I would be more worried if he didn't say anything to you about it. That's just me... Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 You're in luck, you were just overreacting. Now go apologize to him and it will all be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I think it's probably innocent. People say dumb things sometimes, especially when they feel close to their partner (that's a good sign by the way). And I agree with the pp's that those ads can be really entertaining even if you have no interest in dating. Actually, ESPECIALLY if you have no interest in dating. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 He then tells me he was looking at personal ads on craigslist as well. Coming from a previous marriage where my husband was a serial cheater.. I guess you could say I am a little jumpy... I then asked him if he does this often and he said no... however he started to get mad at me and tell me I was being suspicious.... I said "no... I just want to know how often you do this".... then he said "you know, I am just being honest and now you are getting mad at me"... In which case.. this turned into a full blown fight... My question is.. PLEASE tell me I am overreacting because of my horrible history and that its not big deal he was looking.. right??? This can go either way, but because your last husband was a serial cheater, I think that you KNOW you are overreacting. As Tony T says, any guy that tells his wife that he is looking at personal ads is either stupid or (and I will add) or being completely honest. Guys get mad when cornered and are made to feel guilty even when they are not. But guys also get mad and make it seem that YOU are at fault when they are guilty. My gut feeling is that if he meant to look at ads as a way to meet someone, he would NEVER tell you unless you discovered it. Why? Because he could never do it without wondering if you saw him do it. If he wanted to look at ads for a possible affair, he would never have brought the subject up...unless of course, he thought you had already discovered him doing it. So, forget about it, unless you have a few more red flags. And BTW, you may want to thank him for being honest and open. Your reaction is one way to guarantee that he is no longer open and honest. Link to post Share on other sites
hdnkorul Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I swear it was almost like I was reading a page from my journal. I know where you're coming from. This very thing happend to me and we also had the biggest fight ever. I am very weary of cheating men but that doesn't mean all guys are the same. The good thing is he was honest with you about it. He could hide it from you and do it behind your back. My husband is also unemployed and I know he watches porn and does other things too but I let him be. A male ego is far more sensitive than a female's. And when they feel lesser than themselves, they try to do things that fires that ego up (watching porn, looking at other women, being obnoxious, blowing up at anything, and curiosity goes along with it...) Just the very fact he was honest with you means he could not cheat on you. So don't worry, it's harmless. He's just going through a tough time. I don't blame you for getting mad though, it doesn't make sense why someone would do that. I wish men would just put themselves in our shoes sometimes and before they do something think about if we did that same thing, how would it feel? Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I think your overreacting about him looking at personals and underreacting about him not working for 3 months. Krytellan is right, many people look at personals for entertainment purposes only. Your husband being out of work for 3 months has to be stressful. He can't feel good about himself right now and it must put alot of pressure on you too. Is it possible that you overreacted because you feel he isn't putting more effort into finding a job? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dauphine Posted August 7, 2007 Author Share Posted August 7, 2007 for all the great responses. Yes, I probably did overreact. I am just so sensitive to this kind of thing. My ex-husband really put me through the ringer. In fact, he was the kind of person that would make jokes about having girlfriends.. he would say "oh, I just got my haircut, do you think my other girlfriends will like it?".... I use to laugh but the truth was... it was true:( Someone mentioned something about being unemployed is an ego killer. I agree as it has affected his self-esteem.. he even said so. I guess when you have alot of time on your hands, one can start to go in "gray" areas and lets face it, the internet can help in doing so. Even after alot of therapy and working on myself... I still can't trust someone 100 percent. On the other hand, I wish he would be a little more sensitive to my feelings. In my mind, if I were with someone that went through a horribly deceitful marriage, I would think twice about telling them I was looking at personal ads. But hey, that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dauphine Posted August 7, 2007 Author Share Posted August 7, 2007 To Nitty Gritty, Our situation is unique. Actually, he can't work right now.. legally because we are waiting on his greencard (through our marriage). He has worked in this country on work visa's (for the past 5 years)but because he lost his last job, that ended. So there is ALOT of stress on us right now. He has even apologized for putting me through this. He has a job offer but it is for alot less money than he was making. Until he receives the proper paper work through the government (which hopefully will be soon), he can't work. So yeah.. you could say we are under alot of pressure... I wasn't lashing out at him because he isn't working.. I was really lashing out because looking a personal ads is a red flag to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lezbean Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I think it was innocent. The other day they were talking about Graig's List on my morning radio show that I listen to. I had never looked at it before, so that day I looked out of sheer curiosity. I had no intention of contacting anybody, etc. It was purely just to look. I bet a lot of people do this. Link to post Share on other sites
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