The urge to make contact is killing me

[Zapbasket]

I'm posting in the Marriage rather than the Breakups forum because here there are more respondants who are married, which to me equates to being committed at least to the *idea* of being with ONE person for the long haul and trying everything in your power to make it work.

 

It's been almost 6 months of NC since my partner of 5 years sent me a chillingly cold e-mail in which he said, "I am no longer your best friend, so you can't count on me for support"; "I don't want to be in a relationship with you....This reason [for breaking up with you] is enough on its own and you need to respect that. I will not debate the other items with you....I'm sorry that I need to say this, but I request that you stop contacting me." This was the clearest communication he exhibited in the entire relationship, and so until about a month or so ago, it was evident to me that I MUST not contact him. Not doing so was easy, as I was reeling from the harshness of his words and in absolute shock and I knew that any contact from me would only elicit the same response...or worse.

 

But as time has worn on, and I've played moments of the relationship over in my mind, each time with a different light, I've felt a disbelief that he really could have understood, in the heat of the split and his intense anger that he harbored towards me towards the end, that eradicating me like this would mean FOREVER, not just the heat of the moment. I never cheated on him. I was at least as loving and tender towards him as I was argumentative, if not more. I was a very imperfect partner: true. But my heart was in the right place, and I really feel that when people's hearts are true that fact becomes evident in due time. The way he broke up with me, you'd think I cheated on him or worse. He blamed me for everything and while I can certainly see the range of my faults by now, I also see that he was not at all blameless and I don't believe in my gut that he felt himself to be such, deep down.

 

I feel inside myself that despite all our mutual resentments that ate away at our relationship especially during its last two years, we really, really loved each other. We were immature in our ways of expressing it, but the genuine feeling was there. I don't have any idea what he could be feeling now--if he could be regretting his decision, or questioning it, or if he could be perfectly thrilled that he's done with me and scarcely be giving me a thought. It's hard to imagine *what* he's doing, as he'd only just moved to this city...and unbeknownst to him, in recent months I, too, have moved into the heart of the city, into an apartment of my own. My whole life has changed since the time we broke up.

 

I'm having trouble expressing myself. I have posted similar sentiments on the Breakups forum at an earlier stage of my healing (a month or so ago), but I felt uncomfortable doing so in that forum as there is a lot of "Us versus Them" mentality there since its participants are mostly dumpees like me. I feel it's more nuanced than that. I keep saying "I feel..." with such confidence, because usually my instincts are spot-on. But with this, the breakup has caused me to question whether he really ever loved me, even though I know if I wasn't loved I'd have felt it; I'd have known. It just seems like such a drastic thing to do, to so utterly sever a tie nurtured for five whole years--and so shocking from one who was my true best friend, someone I loved very, very much. The sick irony that we're now finally in the same city and may as well be on different planets adds to the confusion.

 

I feel confident that I have grown a lot from this breakup already, and have gained a lot of insight into where I went wrong, and I know that if I were thrown into the exact same relationship with him, I would be able to approach our conflicts in a much-changed manner. I can't help wondering if he's wishing I'd contact him, on some level?--especially as I was always the initiator in the relationship. I'm sure it surprised him that his e-mail really did do the job.

 

I know "No Contact" needn't be a rule set in stone. I want to honor his wishes, but I also know that sometimes people say things in the heat of strong feeling that they don't quite mean. I know he wanted to end the relationship, but forever? I know he wanted no contact with me, but forever? What if I just wrote to him saying, "I have missed you every day and while I don't want to disrupt your life, I feel wrong somehow in not letting you know that. It would be good if we could meet for a coffee sometime, if you're open to that. Anyway, I hope everything is going well for you and you're settling well in the city. ~GreenCove."

 

Actually, I have no idea what I could say.

 

What do you folks think of making such an effort? And please, please don't admonish me to "move the heck on"--I'm trying, really. It's so hard because if the choice had been mine I would have done whatever it took to improve our relationship. Imho, our problems were perfectly resolvable and it's shocking how quickly he bailed, so soon after finally moving across the country so that we could be together.

 

Thanks everyone.

[justice]

Personally, I wouldn't send that email. If you were going to send him one at all, I think I'd just say that you felt like you'd grown apart and that you were going to respect his wishes because you also felt the same way. And I'm willing to bet that in no time at all you'd have one back that said totally the opposite thing from him. Do you really want him back though? This could happen again. I'd hate to see you having to go through this for a second time. Good luck with your decisions.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks, Justice. Yes, I do want him back. I see now how I contributed to our difficulties and I see especially a tendency to make mountains out of molehills, as well as a lot of pure stress and frustration on both our parts from our efforts to keep an LDR alive through a lot of mutual career indecision and frustration. I see two people who really loved each other a lot but who were too quick to blame the other when they felt their needs weren't being met, rather than looking inside *themselves* first. In him, I see someone who just got tired of dealing with me, as I was hysterical in the end, the more so the more he stonewalled me--his way of expressing discontent.

 

I'm not sure I understand your logic--can you clarify? Why would writing an e-mail or letter such as you suggest work better than one saying I missed him, which is the literal truth? Why would it be so much likelier to elicit the desired response?

[sunshinegirl]

Hi Greencove,

 

I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I've had some awful breakups in my own time, and it really does feel excruciating when someone walks away from you so totally when they seemed to truly love you.

 

All I can really say is that if he regretted it, missed you, wanted to be back together with you, he would make contact. Somehow.

 

It's as simple as that. It really, really is.

 

Three months after a particularly tough breakup over 2 years ago (I didn't see it coming; people thought we would be engaged soon and instead he dumped me), I was asking myself the same questions you are - maybe he's waiting for me to initiate contact; maybe his ego is in the way of him reaching out to me... obviously we loved each other so clearly this is a big mistake, a blip in what will be our long and happy life together. I built up quite a fantasy of what it would be like to re-establish contact.

 

So I reached out - my reason for it was that he didn't give me much of an explanation when he dumped me. So I wanted closure, I wanted to know why. He wrote me back, very friendly. But he refused to discuss why he broke up with me, and it quickly became clear that he had no wish, intention, or desire to rekindle our relationship.

 

And I was crushed all over again.

 

I don't know your ex-boyfriend at all, but please be careful of building up in your mind any kind of expectation as to the kind of response you'll get if you contact him. It may feel therapeutic, at first, to tell him you miss him. But how will you feel if he doesn't respond at all? Or if he responds flippantly? Or negatively?

 

Maybe you need to do it anyway. For me it was like ripping the band-aid off: it hurt like hell, but it certainly did give me closure - a different kind of closure than I had hoped for - and helped me move on without harboring any more ideas of reconciliation.

 

Best wishes to you.

[tinke]

greencove

i feel for you and can easily relate. we had very similar experiences, only my LTR was 10 yrs. i can feel the intensity in your words and know your pain only too well.

 

i understand your thoughts of what if. i did send him letters expecting them to be returned to me unopened...but nothing! just as he left it..nothing. i do not call because i know he is with someone and i do not want to hear harsh words from him...adding to the hurt.

 

the very sad truth is...they know how to reach us if they wanted to. obviously, there is no desire. i am also deeply distraught and know now what went wrong, etc.

but even worse, is the pain of how i was easily discarded, as you.

 

some have that abilility to just turn off and move on. is there someone else in his life that you know of?

 

i am a believer of sending your thoughts, otherwise you may wonder (what if ) i reached out once more. the worst that can happen is you get it returned or he tosses it.

i would not be brave (secure enough in my healing) to talk to him, i wouldn't want to hear the disgust in his voice.

 

so, i guess it depends on how you feel...do you believe you will have regrets later on that you didn't reach out? are you prepared to feel the harshness should there be any?

 

weigh it out...best to you in your decision.

let us know.

[whichwayisup]

but I also know that sometimes people say things in the heat of strong feeling that they don't quite mean.

 

He would have contacted you by now if he wanted to open the door again. He hasn't.

 

Do not send him any letters, don't contact him in any way whatsoever...I know it hurts and you want him back, but this man has told you he doesn't want you. He's requested NC, you've gone this long without him in your life, so keep on doing NC. Not for him, but for YOU.

 

Who the F is HE to walk away like that from you? To treat you like a piece of crap and have so little respect! Real crappy way to treat the woman you loved, let alone someone who was the bestfriend too.

 

Think about what it is you miss about him....All the good stuff. Then think about the bad stuff...IS he worth it?

 

If you contact him, he'll ignore you. That will just make you feel worse.

[underpants]

Ahh haa,

 

I found you. You cannot escape my support.

 

Greencove,

 

Girl, ((hugs)).

 

You know if this is really bugging you so much maybe you should send it. Maybe it will give you the closure you need one way or the other.

 

I do like that you letter is short and open yet respectful. All things you and I have discussed before.

 

If he does not respond within ...2 weeks. Then you have to mark on your calander something fantasically fun to do for yourself.

 

Either way this pans out. You have support here.

 

Good luck,

Unders

[Zapbasket]

...but even worse, is the pain of how i was easily discarded, as you.

 

some have that abilility to just turn off and move on. is there someone else in his life that you know of?

 

Thanks for your kind words, Tinke. I agree that the worst is the pain of how completely he severed our tie. The more I've thought about it, and tried to understand and justify his action, the more I've grown convinced that I could never, ever, do this to someone I loved, or had loved. I know myself: in this relationship, for example, things were not going well, and I was at a loss for what to do, but if the ball had remained in my court I would have planted my feet and protested, pleaded, discussed, demanded, gone to counseling, and begged until I was blue in the face. I am someone who just can't give up on a person I loved. I question now whether perhaps there is something more "noble" in walking away when no solution is in sight.... I guess I just feel that if something wonderful could happen with someone once, it could happen again. And I don't believe that if you ever really loved someone--I mean, really shared real love with them--the love ever dies. I guess these convictions make me weak....well, I'd rather be weak than "certain" like our exes--when if there is one certainty in love, it's uncertainty: we never know how things could go in the future. (This whole paragraph really sprang from a question--of who's wiser or stronger--the person who severs and walks away with nary a glance back, or the person who was hanging on, believing that the situation could be improved?)

 

As for whether there was someone else in his life at the time he ended it, I really doubt it. He doesn't open up to people easily and has very few female friends; I just don't see that he would leap into something else as a way of dealing with things. As for whether he has someone now, again, I doubt it, but who knows what turns his life has taken in the past 6 months? So it's possible. Still: you can't erase memories, and when you choose to walk away rather than face your contribution to an unhappy situation, that unresolved matter hangs loose in your mind and heart. Which is to say, just because someone begins a relationship with someone else, doesn't automatically mean their "over" you, even if it does mean that whatever mix of feelings they have, they're going to make choices in the future--if they're committed to who they're with--that express that committment, which will mean they can't pursue those unresolved threads with you. But it doesn't mean you're forgotton. I am sure that's the case in your situation. And who knows, maybe he'll be back. That's what I mean about what I believe: it's all uncertain--no one knows, not them and not us--what will happen in the future with love old and new.

[Zapbasket]

He would have contacted you by now if he wanted to open the door again. He hasn't.

 

Is it really that simple, the way Sunshine said? Having never been on the dumper side of the fence, I can't really know. I can imagine it's possible that someone who deals with hurt and stress by shutting everyone out--someone like my partner--could initiate a breakup as a way of dealing with extreme frustration and hurt, and then much later wish for contact but not want to stick their neck out to initiate it. Is that really not how it goes? I mean, I imagine that on the other hand, abandonment and rejection is such a big deal, that being the one who Abandons and Rejects is such an extraordinary power that the experience is entirely different than anything felt in the relationship, and so it's pretty black and white, that the Abandoner will seek to rectify, through contact, the harm done to the Abandoned if he or she really cares.

 

Do not send him any letters, don't contact him in any way whatsoever...I know it hurts and you want him back, but this man has told you he doesn't want you. He's requested NC, you've gone this long without him in your life, so keep on doing NC. Not for him, but for YOU.

 

I hear you, and a part of me totally agrees. There's just this niggling doubt: yes, he requested NC, but geez that was 6 months ago, does it necessarily have to mean that's what he wants now? I've heard about friends who have fought and one has said, "Don't ever speak to me again!" and years go by and both pine for the other; can that not apply to romantic relationships? I don't want to be disrespectful of his space, especially as our relationship came to resemble the classic pursuer/distancer pattern...but if the silence keeps up, he'll forget about me for sure, won't he? What I fear most is contacting him, finally, after another year, and finding he's with someone else but having him say, "You know, I kept hoping for a long time that you'd contact me; I expected that from you and so when you didn't, I thought you hated me for what I did." And then I'd be gulping back tears as I came face to face with a huge missed opportunity.

 

Who the F is HE to walk away like that from you? To treat you like a piece of crap and have so little respect! Real crappy way to treat the woman you loved, let alone someone who was the bestfriend too.

 

Really, Whichway? That felt so good to read; thanks:o. I know there's "no good way to break up with someone," but some ways are better than others and his way, I think, was very disrespectful, cowardly, and unfair. Is that immediately apparent when I describe how he broke up with me? I keep trying to find some way to excuse it, but I just keep coming up short. I think it was incredibly cruel. I feel it denies us both closure. Because no--and this is especially to Tinke--I don't think they experience closure when they break up with someone like this, not if they are prone to EVER thinking about their lives and actions. Someone with not much depth, or with pervasive anger issues, sure, they experience closure, but people like that were never really IN the relationship in the first place.

 

Think about what it is you miss about him....All the good stuff. Then think about the bad stuff...IS he worth it?

 

Yes yes yes, he is worth it. Our relationship was worth it. I want so badly to say, someone who broke up with me like this is not worth it, but I can clearly see how actions of my own steered us to the place where he felt he had to break up with me in the way he did. I don't feel I deserved this, that's not what I'm saying, but I know my behavior was not at its best, not the most supportive in the end and so I can't feel 100% like the victim. I think he's such a precious man, I do. I wouldn't have hung on for 5 years if I didn't. I love his family. I love all his little ways. I love his body, his eyes, his smile, his big, soft hands.... I JUST MISS HIM SO BADLY, THERE ARE NO WORDS. I've griped a lot on these boards about how he wasn't communicative, but I can see how my pushing and finally yelling only made him retreat further, and how in the times when he did try to communicate, I didn't listen. And that just breaks my heart, because all I wanted was for him to tell me how he felt, and to help me come up with some kind of solution so that we could see each other more in our LD phase.

 

If you contact him, he'll ignore you. That will just make you feel worse.

 

Again, I'm not asking this to challenge you, only because I want to enter a head clearer on this situation than my own: why is it so certain in your mind that he'll ignore me?

 

And I totally agree that his ignoring me, or worse, writing another cold response, will make me feel much worse.

[Zapbasket]

For two months I've wrestled with the urge to contact him. It all started with this expectation I'd harbored for a long time, that I'd hear from him in June, as that was 6 months since he pseudo-ended things between us. At that time he'd said that he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but the way he felt then he didn't want to continue the relationship. Maybe, he said, "in six months, when you've had some anger management."

 

So the six months came...and went, and no word from him. Intuitively I didn't expect anything, because the level of anger he felt was too great for June to be enough time for him to come to a level place. For that reason, I held off contacting him myself, also that I really would prefer it if HE contacted me, since he's the one who broke it off, and so coldly, and after just moving here where we could finally have things like we wanted them.

 

But I feel I have some good perspective on things. I won't have full perspective, probably, for another year, but I'd like to see if there's any opportunity that he and I could work together, from the standpoint of our half-baked perspective, to build a better relationship. I have new things to offer: I live in the city now, in my own apartment, I have savings, a completed degree, and good job performance which bodes well for me finding a higher-paying job before this calendar year is up. I've used this time to reconnect with friends and while I haven't really made any new friends yet, I'm working on it. I've bought skis. Emotionally, my anger at him has subsided. I see that I shared in our communication issues. And I've used this time to think about what I really want: I very much want a family...and I also one day do want to complete that Ph.D. and work my way to a position that really uses my talents and leadership skills. However, I am willing to put that on hold to focus on having a family, so long as I have a full partner in the enterprise.

 

I'm really just rambling. I just feel so tired of wondering, of feeling disbelief that he really could just cut off and walk away after all we planned. I'm tired of speculating on what would happen if I reached out with a simple, loving communication. Enough time has passed that it's safe to assume we're both in different places. Maybe knowing that we're now in the same city will encourage him? I guess I feel that from this point, no time will ever feel like a good time to contact him, and if I keep waiting, he could be married, and then it would be a REALLY not-good time.

 

I guess I keep asking myself, though: Why isn't he thinking this about me--that if he keeps not contacting me, I, too, will move on and he could reach out one day and find that I'm married and far away? Why doesn't that thought bother him the way it bothers me?

 

I think I'm going to do it, but I don't know if I'm prepared for the response, or lack thereof, I could receive. If he blows me off, I'm afraid I will fall back to the day I received his nasty e-mail (2/13). Unders, thanks for your support and assurance that if it's really bad I'll find support here. This gives me courage as I'll know I'll have a soft place to fall.

 

Help! I need to "talk" this through with people less embroiled in the emotional side of this thing than I am!

[tinke]

good morning G.C.

 

it is my turn to offer support since you have helped me through yesterday!

first..let me say, you have a fine list of traits any mature man would appreciate.

you seem to be a very loyal, compassionate person..again, beautiful traits.

 

you probably aren't ready to dive into another relationship, but just be aware that you have a lot to offer to someone. there are men out there that are not intimidated by independance and stability.

 

i very much understand what you are saying in that you would have liked him to initiate the contact. after 6 mo.,who knows what his life is now. some are able to just move on, partly because (i believe) they do not accept any accountability for the break-up.

BUT...if you need this to move on, why not write a brief letter to him. the worst is no reply! you are already suffering that! with the letter, you will not have to hear his voice, if it should be less than joyful. if you do not hear from him...then you know..and can finally begin to accept it. right now, you are placing yourself in limbo, wondering.

 

what if he did want to continue on with you...ask yourself, if he were standing there right now, how would you feel? could you continue loving him, holding him without reliving the hurt he caused? can you trust him again? the reason i ask, is we all tend to hold onto what we knew, but things HAVE changed. we cannot go back to what was. so, before you make the attempt..ask yourself if you are prepared to accept him, if he chooses to return. would you honestly be able to forgive him?

 

Allidy posted a similar thread, after 2 mo. of ignoring her and seeing someone else, he reappeared as if nothing happened. surprisingly, it sickened her, to think he can return so non-chalantly and with lies. i'm sure she didn't expect these feelings, as she pined for him. but when he did appear, she hadn't the response for him as expected.

just something to think about. 6 mo. is quite awhile to ignore you, as mine for 5 mo.

i feel for you, and understand your pain. i say go for it....get it all out...then maybe you can begin to move on and know for sure.

 

if he should refuse you..remember you have wonderful things to offer someone when the time is right.

take good care of yourself.

[Zapbasket]

what if he did want to continue on with you...ask yourself, if he were standing there right now, how would you feel? could you continue loving him, holding him without reliving the hurt he caused? can you trust him again? the reason i ask, is we all tend to hold onto what we knew, but things HAVE changed. we cannot go back to what was. so, before you make the attempt..ask yourself if you are prepared to accept him, if he chooses to return. would you honestly be able to forgive him?

 

Thanks for all your kind words, Tinke. This is the question I've asked myself and I am glad you've forced me to re-examine it. It's true: things have changed. He abandoned me. That's why I'd prefer it if he contacted me first, because then I'd feel like things were more in balance. But, I can see how from his pov, he did the right thing. After breaking up with me over the phone, he did finally agree to meet with me in person, and then I kept contacting him, and he wrote me an e-mail severing all ties. He felt, I suppose, that it was right that he kill all my hope--the problem is that I grew so used to his dealing with conflicts by shutting down that to me this e-mail just seems to be an extension of that. And, perhaps my heartache has made me a total moron and I just can't get the point that it's over--I guess because I just feel so disrespected by the way he ended things. All blame placed on me. Not respecting the time we had together. I just am not sure that I have right to feel wronged by him. Our relationship was not going well; he wanted out; he got out. That's a right we all have. He took that right and can I blame him? I don't really know where the boundaries are.

 

Two possible scenarios from initiating contact are that either he is remorseful and asks for my forgiveness, or he still feels it's all my fault and expects me to apologize (though I did do so in a long apology letter back in December). If he asks for my forgiveness, I am prepared to give it to him. But if he acts like he did nothing wrong, then I'm not sure I could forgive, because I'd feel so disrespected.

 

I'm afraid that if he ignores me, or is ugly to me after I write to him, I will burn with hot rage and may not be able to keep my sentiments to myself. I resented in the relationship how he kept shutting down at crucial moments, slamming the little door to himself in my face. I resent that he could NEVER talk about the future, and I don't think it was because he didn't see me in it, but because he had NO IDEA what he wanted. He never spoke about his dreams with me, though I continually shared mine with him. And to think that now he's going off to pursue what he wants, throwing me aside and never having tried to just tell me even his half-baked visions for the future. I wanted to negotiate our respective dreams so that we could solidify that we were on the same page, and he never allowed that. To see myself cast off as though I couldn't be a part of this phase of his life, just is such an insult. Why be with someone at all if you don't put yourself out there and share all your thoughts and feelings?

 

Forgiveness would be complicated, and it's hard to imagine what I'd do given the chance, since as of now he hasn't indicated that he wants my forgiveness for anything. I guess I'm just finding myself very unhappy that our mutual immaturities could result in something so tremendous as the permanent loss of each other from our lives. Eradicating him from my life was never an option to me, and I don't see why it was an easy option for him. "I just moved here and now I'm quitting"--that's how I see what he did.

 

Writing this, I realize I still have a lot of anger towards him. I just miss him so much; I want the opportunity to work as partners to see if we can build a renewed, stronger relationship. Isn't that what you do in love? When the **** hits the fan, you keep trying, you don't run away?

 

I write hoping to attain clarity and direction, and I feel I wind up in a greater mental and emotional quagmire:(. I just wish I could feel like I knew 100% this was the right thing to do, if only for myself.

 

if he should refuse you..remember you have wonderful things to offer someone when the time is right.

take good care of yourself.

 

Thanks, Tinke. I believe that deep down. I just wish I could find a way to accept that our five years together could result in this, and the awful loss. I just can't believe that he, too, doesn't feel the loss. I wish I were convinced that it really is as simple as others on this thread have said: if they wanted us, they would contact us.

[whichwayisup]

GC, it all comes down to this.

 

he said, "I am no longer your best friend, so you can't count on me for support"; "I don't want to be in a relationship with you....This reason [for breaking up with you] is enough on its own and you need to respect that. I will not debate the other items with you....I'm sorry that I need to say this, but I request that you stop contacting me."

 

When someone says that, they mean it. He would have gotten intouch with you already IF he wanted to talk to you, to start a friendship again with you...He hasn't. His actions or shall I say non-actions, are SCREAMING to you for the past 6 months that it is over.

 

Now the choice is yours. If you choose to contact him, be prepared for a response you may not like from him, if any at all. I mean, how are you going to feel after you send him a note and he either ignores it or worse, sends you another nasty note.

 

He may feel the loss, but you'll never know.

 

Try to make your own closure, because if you don't try to get past this, it will eat you up for a long time.

[whichwayisup]

why is it so certain in your mind that he'll ignore me?

 

Because he made it very clear that he didn't want to keep intouch.

 

I don't have alot of time right now to reply to your reply back to me, but I will write more later on. (Trying to clean up the house and do chores, my H keeps on asking why I am on the computer!LOL!)

[whichwayisup]

for another year, but I'd like to see if there's any opportunity that he and I could work together,

 

If another year passes and he hasn't contacted you - That is your sign it's over. He is the one who broke it off. Not you...Because of that, you need to let go. Sorry, cuz I know it hurts...

[Zapbasket]

Thanks WW, I really appreciate your wisdom, and having encountered your comments on other boards I'm grateful you decided to post on my thread.

 

But now I'm REALLY confused, where I thought I was clear. I guess what's clouding me is the memory of Us, and how he seemed to feel about me right down to the very end. It all happened so fast: he moved here in September, we both were going through a lot of adjustments, and then bam! it was over three months later and it felt like we never were in touch with each other that whole time. It just makes NO sense to me--why did he stay in the LDR with me if only to end it upon moving to be with me?

 

GC, it all comes down to this.

 

 

 

When someone says that, they mean it. He would have gotten intouch with you already IF he wanted to talk to you, to start a friendship again with you...He hasn't. His actions or shall I say non-actions, are SCREAMING to you for the past 6 months that it is over.

 

Yes, the harshness of those words have kept me from contacting him until now. It's really like he just took a set of shears, gripped in one hand all the multitudinous strands connecting our hearts, and in one gesture severed every single strand. I knew he was somewhat rigid--one of those men who plays "Mister Nice, Easygoing Guy" but in truth has very particular expectations and when those aren't met, rather than engage in what they deem the "Unmanly" mishmosh of TALKING it over with their partner, they just issue some Decree. That's the only way I can understand it. I feel like I was punishing like a little wayward child.

 

But having never uttered such words to someone, I can't understand how especially someone who didn't know what he wanted could really know what he's saying, how someone so poor at communication could recogtnize the extent of the impact of those words. They're so harsh, so unfounded for a 5-year relationship with a lot of love, that I just can't understand how he could have written those words with a full understanding of what they would do to me?

 

Now the choice is yours. If you choose to contact him, be prepared for a response you may not like from him, if any at all. I mean, how are you going to feel after you send him a note and he either ignores it or worse, sends you another nasty note.

 

I'm afraid, WW, that I'm going to be yet more devastated, confused, angry, lost, and feel yet more degraded. That's why this situation is just so miserable, why I've played with whether to contact him or not for two months now. I don't want to encounter that cold, awful stranger that wrote that e-mail to me. I want that loving man I came to know over 5 years. Even if he doesn't want to try again--heck, maybe I will find I won't want to try again--I'd like to think we could meet up as two adults, amicably. To discover that he doesn't even want that will, well, I'm afraid it will really **** me up, to be perfectly honest. But...

 

...this confusion is killing me as it is. I don't want to stay in this city as I can't bear to be near him and yet so distant from him. It's a daily oppression. The wonderful memories I have of his home on the west coast, of the hiking and kayaking and skiing we did there, and his loving family, and all the hopes I had pinned to that city and doing more of those activities with him, make me want to move there and that feels really screwed up to me because it's HIS homecity, and therefore saturated with all kinds of connections to him. So if I make the big move there, I'll feel pathetic, yet I think, why should I kill all those dreams of skiing and kayaking and a slower pace than NYC and beautiful scenery like in his home city? And yes, I'm seeing a therapist but this confusion and hurt and shock runs so deep.

 

He also said in his e-mail, "Given that I've said it's over, and not wanting to discuss things with you, I have no obligation to discuss things with you." So he feels no obligation to help assuage my confusion; I tried several times to get him to meet with me, for BOTH our sakes, and this e-mail resulted from those attempts. I'm confused that a person could feel no obligation to a person in whom they'd invested all these years. Of course my well-being is my responsibility, but to just leave someone like this? Surely there must be SOME obligation; I'd know I'd feel an obligation.

 

Try to make your own closure, because if you don't try to get past this, it will eat you up for a long time.

 

This is what I'm terrified of, WW. He is very deep in me, in all my psychic tissues, and I don't see myself successfully getting past this any time soon. My only hope as I see it is if I can begin making new friends--stimulating new connections with good people. But in this city that takes a lot of work and time. I feel like all my expectations about people have been turned over on their head, and I'm trying to work through this in therapy but it hasn't been very enlightening so far--just a place to vent.

 

I don't know what to do, other than leave this city as soon as I can and go somewhere far, far away and just start over. I'm seriously tempted to do that.

[whichwayisup]

"Given that I've said it's over, and not wanting to discuss things with you, I have no obligation to discuss things with you."

 

With this new information - I'm telling you - DON'T email or try to contact him at all in ANY way. He doesn't care what you think or feel.

 

Something happened which made him do a 180 on you. Who knows? Maybe he met someone else, or maybe he is gay and couldn't admit it to you. Or maybe he's mentally unbalanced...I dunno...Either way, HE is messed up, is an a-hole and someone who isn't worthy of YOU! GC, you're wasting your love, desire and energy on a man who doesn't care.......He isn't worth it. The person who you want back, doesn't exist. Those feelings you have is for the man who once loved you.

 

Seek some counselling to help you cope. I think that's the only way to deal with the loss, the saddness and give you the tools to move on and not look back.

 

Sorry that you're going through this.

[Zapbasket]

See, I guess this is the curse of being close to the situation. I read that "I have no obligation" bit as his defense against being a) too scared and b) unable to sit down and have a mature discussion with me about the relationship. In various ways I know with 99% certainty that he hadn't met someone else, I definitely know he's not gay...and as for being mentally messed up, I think he has serious issues with accessing and communicating his feelings. I think he behaved the way he did at the end and in this e-mail mostly because he doesn't know how to deal. The man I was with for five years was not a man who was confident in himself and sure of what he wanted.

 

I am in therapy and it is helping me to cope. But I have a very hard time writing someone off as an *******. I know that if he were to come back pleading for us to try again, I would have to deal with the incredible pain he inflicted upon me, and the extraordinary disregard he showed for the 5 years he put into the relationship, let alone for me. He perpetrated my WORST fear--of being abandoned. That's something I'm looking at in therapy. I always used to say to him that I was afraid he'd just close off and then announce that he didn't want to be with me anymore, and he'd always say, "GreenCove, I would NEVER do that," and lo and behold, that's exactly what he did.

 

I wish I saw things through your eyes, WW. I know his vulnerabilities. I know that somewhere inside him, this way he dealt with things eats at him, though he might not be aware of it. All is not rosy on his side of the fence. And if indeed he IS much happier? If that's really true, then he'd be willing to meet with me because in happiness it is much easier to have compassion and the ability to do right by others.

 

I wish this weren't so bloody confusing. I thought I was in a mature relationship; I thought if it was to end, it would have ended better than this. I wish I could just put a letter out there and know I could handle the consequences.

 

Have you ever heard of ANYONE doing this and actually having it work in their favor? In other situations, when people reach out to estranged loved ones, friends, family, and the like, it works out to the benefit of all. Why should this be any different? BEcause my ex-partner really is an ass like you say?

 

I'm really not enjoying my life right now. Everything feels so wrecked. And now, at 30, I'm terrified that I've botched my chances of getting married and having a family. Everything is so much in disarray.

[tinke]

Greencove..

sorry to hear you are feeling so down today. i agree with wwiu, that he is not the person you remember..people change. the person you are longing for may not even be thinking of you at all, who knows. (i fight my own demons with this, as you know).

 

however..i strongly disagree with the n/c. why? because it is for YOU, not him! it is something you are yearning to do, and quite honestly, with the hurt he has caused, you may have felt the worst of it. maybe he will dish out some more, maybe he will ignore it. but...nothing is worse than regrets!!!! years from now, you may have wondered why didn't you follow through with that letter. this is a moment you cannot replace. keep in mind, you may not get a pleasant reply though. but i would bet you have felt rejection before...we all have. what is the absolute worst that can happen? your pride can be shattered? heck, i'll take that over regrets.

 

the letter is for YOU, so you can come to some understanding or closure...for YOU.

you'll never know if he even reads it, but you will know you sent it!

 

as for your question..has anyone reached out to an ex and was successful? yes, i have, more than once, we had bliss for awhile...and guess what?? yes, he did it again and again. it is his way to cope..avoidance. i, too, tried all ways to get him to communicate, etc., he simply couldn't. running was his answer...leaving me devastated each time. i thought for sure we had moved past that....but..again, he ran!!!

so, i do not believe that part of it will change. at one point he had even said..if we were married, i'd ask for a divorce!!! makes a lady feel secure, huh?

he cheated, oh no, not cheated..his style was to break-up and date almost immediately, that was one reason why the long courtship, i needed to be sure. well, wouldn't you know it, just as i was all comfortable..there he goes. it is truly heartbreaking!

 

i wish you the best with what you decide.... weigh out the pain of more rejection VS regrets later on.

[tinke]

you might look at the thread by kirikat..i was ok, and then, in the dating section.

only you know what is best for you.

[Zapbasket]

Oh Tinke, your presence has been a real solace this weekend. Thank you.

 

I did read Kirikat's thread and I agree with her, that this shutting people out who have cared about you for years is pure crap. Most normal people don't mete out a text saying "I'm so sorry" and then have nothing more to say. And your guy...well, now that I know more I can say it definitely seems likely he'll just go on repeating his same pattern until he just plain gets too old to do it anymore. Someone as scared as he is will wake up one day, realize he's not at all young anymore, and cling to the nearest woman for dear life and never let go. It's highly possible he'll try coming back to you.

 

Geez, Tinke, what does it take these days to land a successful relationship? You sound like nothing but the most patient and loving partner. I'm sure you made your mistakes--we all do--but you weren't wrong to hang on and trust that gradually your partner would grow out of these ways. That's what partners do together, no? Grow together?

 

I just feel so disheartened. I really believed I'd found my One; I believe love should work that way, that you find one person relatively early in your adult life (we were 25) and you commit to creating, through your relationship, a space within which to learn to love as equals, a space that accommodates mistakes. I thought I'd found that. That's why I'm having such a hard time letting it go. If he would only come around and want this as badly as I do, we could experience together the incredible bliss that comes from commitment. I'm wide open right now, ready for this, with him, and he's gone .

 

And thanks for the encouragement re: writing him. It is for me. I may throw a letter to his parents into the mix, as well--to tell them thank you, I love them, and implicitly, goodbye. If they all think I'm a wacko freak, then they're idiots. I think it's a lot more wacko to move across the country only to dump your partner and refuse ever to speak to her again. I agree with WhichWay--that reeks of ISSUES. I have issues of my own, no doubt, but at least I'll talk about them.

 

Tinke, I'm curious: what about THIS breakup feels different than any of the others? Is it that you really began to trust that all the running away was in the past? What made you feel that that had changed?

 

I hope you don't mind my being so nosy. It's enlightening, not to mention comforting, to hear of others' relationship experiences--enlightening to see how others handled their relationship struggles, and comforting to know I'm not alone in having struggles, doubts, and questions such as I'm having.

 

Thanks so much for all your support. :bunny:It really was a light in what otherwise was a very glum weekend.

[tinke]

G.C., first your comment about my ex clinging to the first woman for life...yes, he already is in the process. i believe he is in love with marriage and she agreed. i on the other hand, having experienced him leaving so often needed some certainty before marriage. i began to feel comfortable and reaady to move on with him, that's when he left!!!!! i do not believe he is an empathic person and cannot understand another's situations.

 

i will try to answer your question, although i am not quite sure what you really want to know. what made this break-up different? do you mean why was I more trusting of him?

probably because i was going through tons of added responsibilities, and i really needed him near. we spoke very often, visited often. i felt VERY in love with him, and believed he knew this..although obligations led me away. i just became at ease with him..for some reason as i look back, i looked at him as a mature adult, that understood. well, he was still a little boy who needed more than i was able to give him at the time...he ran to someone else who without doubt, showered him with attention. that really is not what a relationship should be about. i know i would want to count on my partner for comfort, security, etc....particularly in the hectic times. he grew tired...when i needed him most!

 

never did i think we would be going back to square one, with him leaving yet again.

 

i can tell you, it is not worth the pain. and now, years later, i have my sensors on for the next one, because i do not believe these behaviors change. i don't believe someone just decides one day..oh yeah, that sounds good, i'll just run away. i believe these behaviors are burrowed in there from long before we met them..that's how they can do this so easily.

 

i'd like to ask you G.C....do you find that your ex SO ran with other situations also? work, friends, family? after thinking, i have discovered mine did. so i am a firm believer this running/escape is deep rooted. he never thought a thing of it.

 

ohhh G.C......what is it you really want? for me, i almost wished he'd give me some firm message to help me move away...i got NOTHING!

 

if sending a letter will make you feel better, that you know you tried everything...do it!

if you know in your heart that you can never respect him again, never want him again...don't.

 

you sound like a very mature lady...level-headed..trust your instincts!

 

how can you be so sure he is not with someone? you seem pretty firm on this. just wondering how you would know for sure. unfortunately, most times when they leave like that...there is someone else waiting.

[Zapbasket]

What I meant in asking what was different about this breakup is, What makes you certain that this time he won't come back to you like he did the other times? He'd run off and immediately begin dating in the past, what (besides marriage) makes this time different? After all, as we know too well from these threads, marriage doesn't make someone who is unable to stay committed, stay committed.

 

for some reason as i look back, i looked at him as a mature adult, that understood. well, he was still a little boy who needed more than i was able to give him at the time

 

I wish I could understand that mechanism in us that "creates" the people in our lives, so that while we're in a relationship with them we make them into what we need in our minds while the reality is something entirely different. It seems that women are especially susceptible to this. You, understandably, thought that the history you two shared, and the intimacy you'd assume would follow from that, would enable him to support you fully during your difficult time. Meanwhile, he was only able to think about his needs. Do you ever wonder what it was in you that caused you to expect him to be there for you? That's a strange question, I know.

 

i'd like to ask you G.C....do you find that your ex SO ran with other situations also? work, friends, family? after thinking, i have discovered mine did. so i am a firm believer this running/escape is deep rooted. he never thought a thing of it.

 

Well, it's complicated. He is very responsible. He always was an excellent student, and a very reliable employee. He is devoted to his family and friends, as well. And in relation to me, he always did what he'd say he was going to do. But: I noticed that he never really had an emotional connection with anyone. He is a very affectionate person, in that he always held my hand, cuddled, hugged, etc., and he comes across as a very sensitive and caring person, which he is. But--and it's hard to describe--it's like he would always be affable but never really let anyone in. He could be very passive-aggressive, and his mother always got frustrated that he'd never share his feelings, though she felt comfortable sharing hers with him--his dad once told him that at times his mother was closer to him than she was to his dad. My partner once said to me that in high school, he learned that the way to have more friends was to go along with everybody. And what resulted from that was that he would be able to participate in anything, but you'd never really know what he thought. I'm not sure whether he really even LIKED, deep down, any of his friends, so much as he felt LOYAL to them. I don't think he was always respectful towards them. It's this emotional remove that makes it hard for me to understand his breaking up with me. I FELT he loved me, but then who knows what he felt about anything? As his mother said to me, "___ doesn't know his own mind." And I think that's true.

 

As for "running"--yes, he'd avoid confrontation. We never spoke about the future. If we had something we'd need to discuss, he'd avoid it; he had a great aversion to discussion and I noticed that at the very beginning of our relationship. Last summer, as he was planning to move here, he shared none of his plans with me, though I begged him to. That's the way he handled things. It was very frustrating to me.

[tinke]

why did i believe he would be there for me in my time of need? because i knew my hectic schedule and that i was overwhelmed, whereas his schedule was very laxed. i thought anyone can see this and would want to be there for anything, support, assistance, etc.

 

why do i believe this time is different? first, he has not replied to many of my past contacts...he non-chalantly told me he is to marry and has found his soulmate. his coldness was beyond words. plus...i have not continued to pursue him, as i would have. the pain ran too deep, he was too cutting..and i had to ask myself why would i ?

 

he was able to quickly remove himself from all relationships when he had to work at them.

 

honestly, since our posts, i have really been forced to look at him differently. today, i am really feeling..how dare he...i did not deserve such harshness. also, i really was able to see his immaturity..this i do not believe willl change along with his non-communicative ways...AND, he has slept with someone else, which is a whole other ordeal..emotions, plus putting one at risk, physically. i do believe i am finally begining to accept, be turned off by him and move ahead. i sure hope it lasts.

[Zapbasket]

why did i believe he would be there for me in my time of need? because i knew my hectic schedule and that i was overwhelmed, whereas his schedule was very laxed. i thought anyone can see this and would want to be there for anything, support, assistance, etc.

 

That's what I mean: that part of us that, because we love our partner, expects them to Be There in a particular way. One naturally assumes that, when you're going through something as troubling as a family illness, your partner will cut you as much slack as you need, allow you to be weak and nurture you through the tough time. I know I expected that from my partner: my situation was not as dire as a family illness, but it was quite a struggle, as I worked to build a better relationship with my mother (we always had a rocky relationship) while simultaneously struggled with major career path confusion, and a thesis for a program that just was not right for me at all. Looking back, I wonder if my expectations were unfair. I've gotten different answers from the various friends I've asked. Some say that he wasn't really there for me, since it's easy to help someone through a tough time when you're only embroiled in it for the duration of a phone conversation. Others say I was very unfair, because I took a very long time to finish my thesis and wasn't there for HIM in the way HE needed, which was to actually BE THERE, doing things with him, by his side. The words he said to me in an e-mail last summer stand poignantly out to me: "I feel like I've lost touch with you. I know you say I'm important to you, but looking back I start to question that. I'm exhausted from the constant fighting. The past three years have been extremely difficult--though there have been some wonderful times when we were together. I just get sad thinking about being in a relationship with someone for three whole years and only seeing the other person for a small fraction of it."

 

I guess what I'm trying to understand better is, What's "fair" to ask for in a relationship? What's "fair," when you have a situation befall you that challenges you to the core, and you simply can't be in your usual more balanced, available state? How can you conduct yourself, when you're in such a place, in such a way that supports yourself as well as your partner? Is it ever okay to be so consumed with some trouble or other that you can't give your best to the relationship?

 

I just wonder if you and I both, in different ways and maybe some of the same ways, taxed out partners beyond their patience. I'd like to think that such a relationship exists where there's accommodation for the hard times in life--a career crisis, a family illness or death, depression, what have you. What must be in place for a couple to make it through such a tough time, when the obstacle is only ONE of the partners' personal struggles?

 

why do i believe this time is different? first, he has not replied to many of my past contacts...he non-chalantly told me he is to marry and has found his soulmate. his coldness was beyond words. plus...i have not continued to pursue him, as i would have. the pain ran too deep, he was too cutting..and i had to ask myself why would i ?

 

You know, it sounds like he left you mostly because he felt weighed down by his past behaviors (the running away) and wanted to try to find a way to reinvent himself. The clearest route to that, when one is thinking narrowly and "uncreatively," is to relinquish your old ties and their various inevitable dysfunctions, and form new ties, that are not weighed down by past mistakes. It's unfortunate, and immature, certainly. But I guess the "holistic" view to take, maybe, is that we're all just trying to cope with the challenges of being human, being mortal, and fundamentally being alone in the world. That said, I STILL feel I'd never be able to drop someone like a hot potato and not feel inordinate guilt--and how can you really develop as a person when you're guilty inside?

 

he was able to quickly remove himself from all relationships when he had to work at them.

 

I think a lot of people think relationships should be easy. The more I think about what I said to you about my partner in my post above, the more I think this intimacy thing with me was the first experience of intimacy he'd ever had in his life. If you don't engage emotionally with other people, as he did, then you never have to encounter the peculiar challenges and regressive behaviors that arise when people become truly vulnerable around one another, truly honest and open about their thoughts and feelings. I didn't help things by becoming a screaming banshee at the end, certainly--I think I probably scared the crap out of him. I wish I'd been more sensitive to how new this was to him, and had trusted that he really was trying, and trying his best. And yet still I'm not clear whether I'm being unnecessarily hard on myself, or whether I'm really onto something that I should have done differently.

 

honestly, since our posts, i have really been forced to look at him differently.

 

Our conversation these past several days, Tinke, has really advanced my perspective on things, too. I'm seeing a lot of things and thinking about a lot of things I wasn't recognizing just several days ago. I hope you'll keep sharing your thoughts about your relationship, because it really helps me get perspective on what happened in mine. I think certain of our relationship dynamics are very similar.

 

today, i am really feeling..how dare he...i did not deserve such harshness. also, i really was able to see his immaturity..this i do not believe willl change along with his non-communicative ways...AND, he has slept with someone else, which is a whole other ordeal..emotions, plus putting one at risk, physically. i do believe i am finally begining to accept, be turned off by him and move ahead. i sure hope it lasts.

 

that's one thing I don't feel: turned off by my partner. I've tried to; I've tried to think of him as a jerk, but I just can't. What does it feel like, to see your love turning into something else, something, perhaps, much less? Do you feel like you're falling out of love with him?

 

And no, you didn't deserve such harshness. I'm liking that there are a lot of posts on this board recently that opine that cutting someone off and refusing to speak to them about the relationship is a really crummy way to treat someone who has been devoted to them for a while.

 

How are you doing today? I feel much better than I did over the weekend, but that tends to be the case--having to fulfill my work responsibilities forces my mind out of the endless thoughts of my situation. The problem is that then all those thoughts are waiting for me once the weekend begins.