The urge to make contact is killing me

[4whatItsWorth]

I am so feeling for you, girl. What you describe reminds me of so many emotions about my ex. He has always been great with not mailing me, calling me - anything. (And he was no different when we were an item)

 

Like you, despite all the pain he put me through...I still view him in the "pink fluffy" light. He's STILL that man I thought was the love of my life. He is STILL the guy I thought would never ever stop saying "I can never stay mad at you." - but he can.

 

Like yours, he can give up contact. Like you, I can't. I so badly want to be in touch, I usually manage a whole year before I go there again - but TRUST me on this - IT IS NOT WORTH IT. The others are right - if he wanted to get back with you - HE'D LET YOU KNOW. Guys aren't unable to use the phone! They can track you down as easily as you can track them.

 

PLEASE read "He's just not that into you" and try to realise the truth that I had to realise - the bastard just isn't worth it.

 

I hope you have better luck in getting over your guy than I have mine. I found someone amazing - you will too. Someone who is way more amazing than your coward ex could ever be.

 

Also, he was a coward to break up with you like that. Men hate confrontations - that is the ultimate answer. And sending him that mail will only confirm his ego that you can never get over him. Please, don't reduce yourself to that. Be the woman who CAN be self-sufficient without him.

 

Best of luck. I know how it feels, I truly do.

[tinke]

G.c.

just time for A QUICK post,,i will try to write more later.

 

am i over him, no. but, i have been thinking about things differently the past few days. i feel yes, i had made my errors (unknown at the time), but..i needed him to be there for me, too. unrealistic expectations? well, i don't know, i wouldn't say unrealsictic as much as i wish i would have communicted his importance more. i just knew i had so very much on my plate, i would have liked to have thought our relationship was mature enough to survive needed attention elsewhere. i do not put so much blame on myself, because had he told me he needed more of me, etc., i would have listened, made more time for him. i feel as a partner, part of the deal is to communicate this so changes can be made...he failed too, in not expressing his desires.

 

i had enough going on without wondering if he was content, he could have spoken up.

this is where i am thinking differently. he could have been fair, and said..hey, i need more!! but, he said nothing and left.

 

turning off??? this is new, and i am not making myself do it. it is just the thought of him sleeping with someone else makes him very unappealing to me...it is a definate turn off..i am sure he is not using protection since he is marrying, etc. so, it surely makes me turn off any residual sexual feelings for him.

 

back to unrealistic expectations....actuallly, i had been through the same from him..and you know what? i hung in there, and if i felt it was too much, I WOULD HAVE DISCUSSED THINGS WITH HIM BEFORE LEAVING!!!!!!! THAT IS THE HUGE DIFFERENCE

[tinke]

double posting

[whichwayisup]

I may throw a letter to his parents into the mix, as well--to tell them thank you, I love them, and implicitly, goodbye. If they all think I'm a wacko freak, then they're idiots.

 

I wouldn't send a letter to his parents, even though you got on well with them. BUT, if you ever ran into them on the street, or at a store, definately go talk to them... Who knows what he has told his folks about you, so contacting them by letter may be a mistake...

[Zapbasket]

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO INDECISIVE IN MY LIFE!

 

Seriously, this is driving me crazy. I have never felt so out of control in relation to a particular situation. To contact him, to not contact him. Back and forth, round and round. I am very tired, but I cannot sleep, because my whole self is saying to this indecisive part of me, "Make a damn decision already!"

 

I guess I just haven't been able to steer myself to the conclusive place his actions suggest he reached: It's not working...and because of x and y and z, it will never work. These were his reasons he gave for breaking up with me, in that awful e-mail of February 13:

 

--The way, frequency and grounds over which we fought. Given I'm not willing to change my style any more than I already have, and I am unwilling to put up with those fights anymore, I don't want to be in a relationship with you.

--Our inability to reach agreement over many issues (family, living arrangements, finances, etc.). Given I'm unwilling to compromise any more than I already have, I don't want to be in a relationship with you.

--My inablity to overcome many of the hurtful things you said about me, my family and my friends.

--I don't want to be in a relationship with you.

 

God, I hate him for bottling everything up for the duration of the relationship and then finally articulating his feelings in the form of an Absolute, non-negotiable (he followed up the above with, "The fourth reason is enough on its own and you need to respect that. I will not debate the other items with you.") Last Word (after this last sentence, he concluded with, "I request that you stop contacting me").

 

These are the questions that I can't seem to answer for myself definitively, and that prevent me from making a decision whether to contact him or not: Did he disrespect me in how he broke up with me, or was that e-mail merely him saying it like it is, neither kind nor unkind? Are we really just "Not Right" for each other, or did he bail right at the moment when our relationship finally could have become fully gratifying, now that we live in the same city?

 

I am an intelligent woman. I am capable, I am emotionally well-adjusted, I have always been good at relationships, well-liked, even sought out by others. And yet despite my best efforts at emotional self-examination and honesty, and paintaking analysis of the situation, I CANNOT UNDERSTAND why he felt he had to erase me permanently from his life, and why I have lost a person who was my very best friend for 5 whole years. Yes, I yelled at him, but I did not abuse him, and I was loyal, and caring, and attentive. Yes, we were having trouble figuring out how to get our relationship situated in New York after he moved here. But no, I didn't once feel that our problems weren't solvable, as he declares in his e-mail. Family? We couldn't agree on family? Our discussion about family consisted of him saying he wanted kids within the next two years and me looking at him in utter bafflement, as he went straight to the kids timeline and never mentioned marriage or that he was planning on our getting married right away. I told him I wanted children, but I wasn't going to pin all my hopes for the future on having them, because so much of it depended for me upon the stability of our relationship, finances, and lifestyle. And I told him that I wasn't ready for children right away. I said, "You always treat me like I'm some sort of renegade, when really I think we both are after the same things." And he looked convinced and said, "I guess it's just that you want to talk about it." Um, yeah, I want to talk about what we each expect from a marriage and from having children. WHAT THE F***? And now he's just gone, and this intelligent woman is sitting up late at night, still, totally not getting it at all.

 

Gentle words of any kind would be most appreciated. I so hate feeling like this. I hate it.

[underpants]

Greencove,

 

I hate that this has you so torn up.

 

I would advise NOT to send any letter to his parents. This is a bad idea IMO. You can talk it to death but I think it is a bad idea.

 

He did say 3 times in that letter that he did not want a relationship with you. I don't know, that pretty much tells me where he was at when he wrote that.

 

If you do send him a contact letter. I liked that really short one that we wrote a long time ago on another thread.

 

Maybe if you just do it, it will be an action. This ending the angst of should you or should you not.

 

So what if he never contacts you back. So what if he reiterates his decision to 'not want a relationship with you'. At least you are super sure you have to detach and move on.

 

Like I said. If you gonna do it, then do it. Give it a couple of weeks and then let it go. Mark the calendar and make that you 'quit worrying about the past' date. Do something fun...haircut, shopping, a day for you.

 

If he does respond then post before you meet him. You should not bring up past issues with him if you get that far. Don't let the meeting be a continuation of what broke you up. However, I jump ahead.

[Zapbasket]

I would advise NOT to send any letter to his parents. This is a bad idea IMO. You can talk it to death but I think it is a bad idea.

 

Okay, I believe you, but why? Because his parents think poorly of me? Do you think they would be weirded out by my writing to them? I had a good relationship with them; that's why this it's so hard not to make contact.

 

He did say 3 times in that letter that he did not want a relationship with you. I don't know, that pretty much tells me where he was at when he wrote that.

 

I know. It's just hard to "believe" it, when he routinely shut down and shut out like this in the relationship. And, he could never come to any kind of decision, or state what he felt about anything; when we argued, he would just hang up on me. Or walk away, even if we were out in public--he once left me in Central Park, just walked away and kept walking. So even though his words in that e-mail were "shocking," the shutting down,shutting out manner of their delivery was as familiar as his kiss. This is why I am so profoundly angry and confused, STILL.

[tinke]

greencove, since our recent e-mails, i had been preoccupied with other situations. i must thank you though, because something that was said (i don't know exactly what), had left me feeling disengaged from him. quite honestly, i have grown tired of the constant analyzing, thinking of him, etc. and see him and things for what they really are. i can say, the whole ordeal sickens me. i am better and deserve more from a relationship! period!

 

i did however, write a last matter-of-fact letter to express my views. nothing mushy, not asking him back, but, he never provided me the opportunity to be heard. i truly feel for ME, this is the last of it..i am truly tired of the whole mess. i have not mailed the letter as of yet, because i am not even sure the situation warrants it. i feel in my heart, for the first time, that i am done! i do not want to put anymore energies into this dead situation. i hope for you that one day soon, you will find this peace, also.

 

as for the letter to the parents..i don't feel it would be beneficial..a little tacky! why not wait and just send them a little message in a christmas card..or holiday card?

 

it seems you may move out of your dilemna if you took action...i mean with the letter. at least it will provide you with the answers you are seeking. honestly, i know exactly where you are at, i still awaken with those thoughts of disbelief, although not as intense now. but, i do know for me, i truly am tired..beaten down from thinking of it, i have exhausted every scenario. i now see him differently, and can say...i am not at all as invested as i once was. i am moving (quickly) to a good place...further away from him.

 

one day, you will find yourself in a different place also. all that thinking may soon wear on you. i cannot offer any advice on how to get there quicker..it's something that just happened. maybe, it's all the questions you had asked that made me really examine things in a different light. all i know is that it absorbed a lot of energy for no cause!

 

please take care!