Character Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I have recently come across LoveShack.org, and have decided to post something about a little problem I'm having. Perhaps some of you will have some opinions or reactions to share... Here is my problem. I am a professor at a college in a small town in Massachusetts. I am single, 32 years old, recently received my PhD, and, for the first time in my life, having trouble meeting women. I have always lived in big cities, but now I live in a small town, and pickings are slim. Except among the student body... I work hard to be a good lecturer, and I strive to maintain utmost professionalism in my place of work. I keep my students at arm's length, and I maintain a tone of scholarly seriousness when I teach or when they see me in my office. My professional persona is not fake, but it is only one aspect of my personality. Away from work, I am different. I am effusive and casual, confident, lighthearted, and, when it comes to young women in the early 20s to mid-30s, I am rather playful and mischievous. My students don't really see this part of me, but over the past year, I have longed to "be myself" around some of my more attractive female students. By this, I mean want to be carefree and cocky. Yes, you guessed it: I would like to date one or two of my students. After all, the age difference is not enormous... 10 years, or maybe 12. I am only 32 and more physically fit than most 22 year old guys, and I look 28. My compulsion to act is my knowledge that over the past year several of my students have found me, for some reason, quite hot. I am not narcissistic, but simply aware of what goes on around me, and how people act toward me. My student evaluations contained some, ummm, sizzling assessments of my appearance and demeanor. I have been paranoid about doing anything about this state of affairs out of sheer paranoia and concern for the outcome of my fledgling career. But is it really a big deal for a young prof to date an undergrad, so long as she's not his own student? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
AmorousDelight Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Yeah, must suck being a 32 year old assistant professor w/ hot little college girls all around wanting you. You know what you have to do, you bastard. BTW I am a doctor in the same age group, and I think you chose a better profession. (Borat accent) "Nice!" Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I don't think it's a big deal "as long as she's not his student". If the women understand you're just a guy and they're not getting any special favours, then go for it. I assume there's nothing in your contract of employment that forbids this? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Most colleges and universities have non-frat rules to safeguard the students. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Character Posted August 7, 2007 Author Share Posted August 7, 2007 Most colleges and universities have non-frat rules to safeguard the students. Not at my college... Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Well, Firstly, congrats on being the dreamy, intellectual, s.n.a.g., teacher. I am sure I had a crush in my college English professor. The thing is I think caution would be in order. It is a fine line, and you wouldn't want to risk your job or rep because an undergrad felt ...hurt and dumped. Or just told her business with you to her friends. Just thinking of some possible negative ramifications. I guess if I were you I would take a look at my contract with the school. Maybe grad students would be a better choice, and maybe more 'allowable?'. Certainly not anyone who you teach. That kind of crosses the line, and I would think would be confusing, IMO. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Why can't I have problems like these... Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 So long as they're not your students anymore - I don't see a problem with going out with one of them. But I don't think going out with two or three at one go would be a good idea.. Now, we wouldn't want a bad reputation, would we?... *smile* Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Why can't I have problems like these... Oh come on, I'm sure you have a fair share of admirers yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Not at my college... You've checked your policies and procedures manual? Also, check the one for the students. They sometimes embed this information in both, one or the other. Not only is it to safeguard the students, it's also to ensure that the college or university isn't left open to civil suit or embarrassment. -edit: I should clarify my position on age spreads. I don't particularly care, one way or the other. On the other hand, you have a reputation and standard to uphold within the work environment. Regardless if she's a student of yours or not, you are in a position of authority, therefore, should maintain distance as much as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Oh come on, I'm sure you have a fair share of admirers yourself... Nothing ever so obvious! Besides, you have an idea of what I look like? (I ring the bell at noon shouting 'Sanctuary' if that helps anyone) Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Besides, you have an idea of what I look like? I have an idea, yes. Some women like your look, some don't. You've seen my pic... same goes with me. Some men like my look, some don't.. but I"m sure we both have admirers. Admirers just don't tend to come out and tell us!! Lol. Oh boy, this is so out of the topic! Sorry!! Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Think I'll switch career paths and become a professor... Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 On the other hand, you have a reputation and standard to uphold within the work environment. Regardless if she's a student of yours or not, you are in a position of authority, therefore, should maintain distance as much as possible. I agree with TBF. As for my academy, it isn't written in the manual. My AGM is seeing one of the tutors and it's known only by a number of us. My colleague is also seeing one of the tutors - but no one knows about them except me. I know your situation is between a professor and students but I think it pretty much is the same concept. My personal opinion? I don't think it's right. I just don't think it's good for the working environment, especially when things don't work out the way we want it to. Things might get out of hands. Then there'll be lawsuits etc. I think there is a few movies made based on teacher-student affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I agree with TBF. I think there is a few movies made based on teacher-student affairs. Lyssa is right! I've downloaded quite a few movies based on teacher-student affairs. Its a much more popular movie plot than people realize. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky555 Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Yes you do have a problem on your hands, however you can't date students right? are u aware of the policy hahahahaha. You have a great job right, support yourself, pay your bills ect. I don't think you want to give that up. Now at my university if any professor were to date a student he or she would be terminated. Believe me, there are some girls that would make your life hell and all they have to do is report one incident and that would be it for you and maybe the rest of your career. Yeah, they are attractive young women but don't read into too much even though it feels good. Everyone has to be treated with equality. Don't flirt, Don't make anyone feel uncomfortable, and it might help if you get a girlfriend outside the university. I am sure you can do this if your as "attractive" and "fit" as you say you are. I myself am a college student and i had a very attractive, married professor who is a doctor and has specialized in neurology. He taught my gross anatomy class. This professor is about 36 and i am 22. So even though he was attractive i was paying attention to the class. However, i think if he would have flirted with me, then i would have felt uncomfortable even though he was attractive and smart! I myself am working on my masters and then i am going to get my doctorate to become a professor myself. Now, i see that your in an area where it would be fun and exciting to just go ahead a date a student but its NOT WORTH IT! I hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Here is the "real" question... Do you want tenure or do you want to be on your ass after 6 years? Even if it isn't against your university's policy, the impression that you give the other professors matters so much more here than at any other job. If the other members of the department see you as unprofessional (even if you aren't) you are completely screwed. Remember, they decide your tenure, your promotions, and you raises. If one of them sees you are morally repugnant you could have major trouble on your hands. That ultra conservative guy that should've retired 10 years ago, likely has the most power. Don't piss him off for some hot ass. Drive to the next city, plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Lyssa is right! I've downloaded quite a few movies based on teacher-student affairs. Its a much more popular movie plot than people realize. I reckon the movies you downloaded are strictly for adults?? Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Yeah, its probably not worth the risk. Here is probably the best way to play it: Tell all the girls of interest that if they are truly interested, they should contact you after they graduate. It should only be 4 years, right? Thats not that long of time. And after 4 years, you can have a steady stream of women every year after that, because they will be graduating. Sure, some will forget and move on, but if you reel enough of them in, you should have a good supply for years to come. Not a bad plan, actually. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 I reckon the movies you downloaded are strictly for adults?? I can never find a MPAA rating at the beginning, so I can't really tell. Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 If the OP is for real, here's my take. I'm 33 and finishing up a PhD. I have friends who have tenure track positions and have gone down the route you're considering and I also know some ABDs that taught while finishing up and dated their students. I don't actually know too many schools that have explicit rules against fraternizing. My advice, don't try to be the "cool" professor who goes for drinks with students and dates the cute ones. 99% of the time they have nothing in common with the student other than sex and hanging out. Sexual harassment charges aren't really the problem. Instead, the girls get bored and basically the gossip gets spread that the professor is kind of a tool who wants to be cool but isn't. It's hard to get respect from your students when that's your unofficial rep around the department. Since teaching is becoming a more important factor in tenure decisions, that may not be to your advantage till you at least make the associate rank. And this does impact what your colleagues think at some level. It's a lonely feeling when you're the new kid in the department, working your ass off to make tenure, and you don't feel support from your peers. Besides, whatever your field, I'm sure you've seen those creepy guys at your professional conferences who always have a little clique of undergrads around them (and no one else, no grad students, no colleagues). Do you really want to be one of them? Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Do you want tenure or do you want to be on your ass after 6 years? Even if it isn't against your university's policy, the impression that you give the other professors matters so much more here than at any other job. If the other members of the department see you as unprofessional (even if you aren't) you are completely screwed. Quoted for truth. Even if the student is not in your dept., there is still a power differential at play that doesn't make it an equal relationship at all. It may reflect, fairly or unfairly, on how you are viewed as a teacher. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Character Posted August 7, 2007 Author Share Posted August 7, 2007 Thanks everyone. You've all left some thought-provoking advice. I'll take it into account before doing anything wicked and evil. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Yes, you guessed it: I would like to date one or two of my students. After all, the age difference is not enormous... 10 years, or maybe 12. Dude a word to the wise...that IS enormous in my opinion. A woman, or more to the point, girl 10 to 12 years younger will be a problem...maybe not now, but when you are 50 and not looking so good, they will be a hot 40, 38. They'll be looking to one up you then. Trust me, I'm only 38 and have already learned my lesson with young ones. I will now not date anyone older or younger than 5 years tops. People will say, age is just a number.....well I learned better the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted August 7, 2007 Share Posted August 7, 2007 Hahahaha...this is funny. If your hot or good looking, your the teacher I use to hit (most of the time) on so I could get good grades and what not. Worked to. I even had one give me the answer key and I copied the answers right in his office. Just be careful that some are not just trying to get good grades. But putting this aside, why don't you join a group or get involved with people your own age. Don't date college students. Link to post Share on other sites
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