breaking up is hard to do

[squeak]

Giving pink fuzzy handcuffs and arranging for you to meet his mom before the break-up?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he sensed it coming, this will all be in the past before you know it (the impending break up) and you'll handle it effortlessly as it is obvious you are trying to be as kind as possible.

 

-it must feel great to be the woman in demand! !

[annabelle75]

Giving pink fuzzy handcuffs and arranging for you to meet his mom before the break-up?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he sensed it coming, this will all be in the past before you know it (the impending break up) and you'll handle it effortlessly as it is obvious you are trying to be as kind as possible.

 

-it must feel great to be the woman in demand! !

 

You would think so, but instead I am just feeling really really pressured. I could use a breather from it all.

 

Yea, I agree that I think he can see it coming. He's trying way too hard now, and its just making me feel worse and worse about what I am about to do. I almost feel like he is also making himself unavailable for me to actually do it. Kind of like avoiding me and smothering me all at the same time ... does that make any sense?

[Citizen Erased]

You would think so, but instead I am just feeling really really pressured. I could use a breather from it all.

 

Yea, I agree that I think he can see it coming. He's trying way too hard now, and its just making me feel worse and worse about what I am about to do. I almost feel like he is also making himself unavailable for me to actually do it. Kind of like avoiding me and smothering me all at the same time ... does that make any sense?

 

Just put him out of his misery. The more you string this along the worse he is going to get.

 

Okay so the handcuffs thing is really creepy. What's even creepier is when you break up and he sends the matching dildo/vibrator, underwear and shoes

[Citizen Erased]

oh, and butt plugs. Can't forget the butt plugs.

[annabelle75]

oh, and butt plugs. Can't forget the butt plugs.

 

AHHHHH !!! Don't say that !!! I'm already freaked out enough.

 

Am I obligated to give back the handcuffs and any other gifts when we break-up? Their kind of cute and I might want use them in the future.

[Citizen Erased]

AHHHHH !!! Don't say that !!! I'm already freaked out enough.

 

Am I obligated to give back the handcuffs and any other gifts when we break-up? Their kind of cute and I might want use them in the future.

 

Not too sure about giving them back, but if he ends up being an ******* about the breakup repeat what I bolded lol

[annabelle75]

Not too sure about giving them back, but if he ends up being an ******* about the breakup repeat what I bolded lol

 

LOL point taken

[Cobra_X30]

Annabelle,

 

Yeah, so I finished it last night, its going to take a while to work up to re-hashing that though.

 

This teacher guy you were seeing is a d-bag. He wants you to meet his mom? What because you're getting that serious? I'd bet that if you handed back those pink fuzzy handcuffs during dinner... his mom would be like "I was wondering where those went!"

 

Oh, and captian original heartbreaker, Fool me once... shame on you... fool me twice... ummm.... I cant remember the rest... but you get the point.

[Cobra_X30]

Just put him out of his misery. The more you string this along the worse he is going to get.

 

Okay so the handcuffs thing is really creepy. What's even creepier is when you break up and he sends the matching dildo/vibrator, underwear and shoes

 

What you didnt find that romantic? But they MATCH!

[annabelle75]

Annabelle,

 

Yeah, so I finished it last night, its going to take a while to work up to re-hashing that though.

 

This teacher guy you were seeing is a d-bag. He wants you to meet his mom? What because you're getting that serious? I'd bet that if you handed back those pink fuzzy handcuffs during dinner... his mom would be like "I was wondering where those went!"

 

Oh, and captian original heartbreaker, Fool me once... shame on you... fool me twice... ummm.... I cant remember the rest... but you get the point.

 

Talk about it when you are ready. I'm eager to find out how it went. Wanna know what I should be prepared for.

 

Yes yes .... I know. When he hurt me th efirst time it was his fault. If he does it again its my fault for letting him. It make sense when I think of it that way, but there is a little voice in the back of my head thats saying, "What if he doesn't hurt you this time? What if he really is ready now?" This would be so much easier if I wasn't still in love with him. Even though I accepted the break up and moved on, the feeling I had for him haven't just gone away. My personal life is getting way too crowded and messy.

[Cobra_X30]

The best indicator of future behavior is his past behavior. People change... but not that much. IMHO

 

I did that run last night from 10 to midnight. I went about 9 miles along the waterfront, took me 95 minutes. I usually dont recommend long runs, they eat muscle, but it really helped burn off all the emotion, and clear my head.

[annabelle75]

Break up is now commencing via IM. He won't stop buggin me here at work. He says he knows there is something wrong and won't leave for work until I tell him what it is. THis sucks.

[oppath]

Annabelle, you can always say "there are some things we need to discuss, but I don't want to do it over IM. I'll come over late tonight after work."

 

Better for you to get 2 hours less sleep tonight than for him to be in agony all week!

[Cobra_X30]

^^^

 

Thats pretty much what I did. I wish I'd been a little more clear that it was not going to be a happy discussion.

 

He is going into a full court press... I dont think you can wait much longer.

[Grim]

put the guy outta his misery and u outta yours

[oppath]

Another reason it needs to be done ASAP is because otherwise, he'll feel you were just lying to him all week!

 

My ex and I had a fight; I pushed because she was acting very different. She persisted everything was fine. A week later, she dumped me, after hanging out for 6 hours. I asked "why the hell did you hang out with me all that time if you knew you were going to dump me? I feel deceived and disrespected. Why didn't you tell me what you were feeling when we had our fight?"

 

"It is hard for me too" was all she could say. I was bloody pissed because I felt lied to, I felt like she wasn't being honest with her feelings. I was furious that she would wait until it was easy for her -- or until she could wait no longer -- to pull the trigger. I would have rather she met me for lunch during the workday and ended it than do what she did.

 

All I know, is that when someone decides to dump me, I want it done within 48 hours of their decision. Otherwise, every phone call, text, email we share while waiting for that perfect opportunity, in my mind, is a lie. If someone pretends everything is ok when it is not just to avoid a confrontation, well, I find that incredibly disrespectful to me. When my emotions are on the line, I expect the other person to stand up for my emotions, even if it means hurting me. I expect them to be assertive. Anything less is disrespectful, because anything less is about them, not about me, and if my heart is on the line, I expect consideration to be given to my emotions.

 

With my ex, I think most people can agree it is wrong, if you know you are going to dump the person, to hang out, flirt, kiss, touch, when the entire time you are going to dump them. Signs after the fact confirmed she knew she was going to do it. what hurt most of all is she couldn't acknowledge why it would hurt me.

 

Tell him "there are some things we need to talk about. Can I come over at 11:30?" This will prepare him for it emotionally. There is no perfect time. He is going to be hurt. The worst thing you can do is delay it when he knows something is up. It is certainly inappropriate to lie to him and say everything is fine just because it would be easier for you to dump him in a couple days.

[annabelle75]

Yuk …… that was just dreadful. He kept bugging me this morning and asking me if I would have dinner with his mom this weekend and I was kind of putting him off and saying we’d talk about it later. He then started to push me and said he knew something was wrong and I had to tell him now, so I did. I did pass on doing it by IM and spent my lunch hour in my parked car talking to him on the phone. I couldn’t do it over IM or email.

 

I’m not really sure how it went. He was almost too OK, with it. He says he wants to still hang out and be friends. I get the impression he thinks I’ll eventually get over it and want to start dating again. He even hinted to the fact that things could change in the future. I told him I didn’t see it happening and it would be wrong of me to give him false hope and string him along. He said he didn’t think I was stringing him along and as long as I was honest with him I had nothing to feel bad about. He then suggested that maybe we could go out and see a movie on Friday as friends, but then he added that he didn’t have to spend the night afterwards if it made me feel uncomfortable. I then told him that since we were no longer dating we would no longer be sleeping together and he said that was ok with him, but I still get the feeling that he doesn’t really consider this a definite break-up. I suspect this isn’t over yet. I may have just finished Round 1, but he’s not letting go yet.

[oppath]

You've handled it great! And his confusion or statements of it not possibly being over are to be expected. You will need to repeat the conversation, AND, it's probably a good idea to meet and talk for 1/2 hour in person. You don't have hard feelings for him, his behavior was just a little much. You know he is a good guy despite his lying about checking into your past. He was curious about you. He didn't want to tell you because he felt you'd be upset. His behavior was wrong but understandable.

 

I'm proud of you though. What did you say to him? Since you've said "I don't want to give you false hope or string you along" it sounds like you've made it clear your feelings are unlikely to change and it is over. That is the most compassionate thing you can do for someone when you dump them.

 

Any "if I wanted a relationship with anyone it would be with you; it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings" yada yada will just confuse him. It sounds like you simply told him "it's not working out; my feelings haven't progressed and they aren't likely too. You are a great guy though and I value you tremendously." That sounds impersonal, but it is so kind!

[annabelle75]

Thanks.

 

I basically told him that I wasn't really mad at him and I didn't hate him or anything. I told him it was just too big of an issue to deal with so early in the relationship. We were still at the fragile beginning part where feelings were developing and when it happened it felt as if I just kind of hit a wall. I told him I didn't feel the same way I did before and with everyday that passes I seem to come more certain that it is over. I told him I felt as if I was betraying him by not feeling the same way he did, but it wasn't somethign I could fix.

 

I wanted to be clear about how I was feeling with out completely crushing him. Who knows, maybe once the dust has settled we could be friends, but I am going to be careful for now. I don't want to casue anymore pain than I already have.

[Cobra_X30]

Yuk …… that was just dreadful. He kept bugging me this morning and asking me if I would have dinner with his mom this weekend and I was kind of putting him off and saying we’d talk about it later. He then started to push me and said he knew something was wrong

 

Any Freudian psychologists here?

 

What you dont want dinner with Mother? Good Lord there must be something wrong here!

[annabelle75]

Any Freudian psychologists here?

 

What you dont want dinner with Mother? Good Lord there must be something wrong here!

 

Reday to be icked out even more? Its not even HIS mother. Its his former wife's (who comitted suicide during their divorce) mother. She is still very involved with the he and the kids. The whole idea of meeting her freaked me out.

[Cobra_X30]

Until just now I had never actually connected the stories. You know exactly why this guy has control issues. He needs therapy... and bad. I doubt he is ready for any kind of a relationship. I dont think he should even get a cat! He has it in the back of his head that your going to act like the ex. Its what he knows, which is probably why he thinks you will come crying back.

 

Were I you... and Im not... but If I were. I would go NC with ALL men for at least 2 months.

[Cobra_X30]

Ok, so I finished my meeting! Nothing I like better than telling a room full of big wigs why my team and I are the best in the company!

 

I called my now ex in the early afternoon yesterday and said that we needed to talk, that I would drop by late in the evening. I told her right about 8pm. I showed up right on time, I helped her put her daughter to bed. We sat down on the couch, I took her hand, looked her striaght in the eye and said "I need you to know that this isnt going to work out between us". She immediately began to cry... said she didnt believe she had done anything that bad... promised me she had no feelings for her ex, that she only had feelings for me. I said I understand, that know exactly where she is coming from, but that I have put alot of thought into this and simply cant ever trust her again, and that this is the best outcome because otherwise I would just be jerking her around. This whole time she is sobbing uncontrollably, so I gave her a long hug. Once she got herself together a little bit, she asked me if it was because she was not pretty enough. That caught me really off guard. I said absolutely not in fact she was the most attractive woman I have ever dated, and it was because of that, I am having such a hard time this. Now, I was not lieing here, I have dated some girls that were gorgeous, but not attractive to me. However, she repeated the question, then I said I wasnt kidding that she was much prettier anyone who has ever had feelings for me. She put her face in her hands and started crying again. She looks up and asks "whats wrong with me? Why does this happen?"

 

By this point I feel like I've been hit with a brick. My tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth. I start to get angry with all the men that have made her life a wreck. I want to drive down to her ex's house, drag him out by the heels, and beat him into a coma. I want to slap her parents until they cry like this. I realize Im not much better.

 

I asked her to go for a short walk with me for the fresh air. We walk down to a small park at the end of the block. She apologizes for getting my shirt wet... I apologize for not bieng what she needs. She says for what its worth she now realizes what she did, she didnt understand it was important, then didnt know how to tell me, and asks if I can forgive her. I say I already have. Its late and together we watch the sun finally set. Poetic.

 

I ask her if she feels she can handle bieng friends, because I think her daughter would benefit from that. She says she doesnt know. I walk her back to her apartment in silence. At the door she says that she has never had a man respect her like I have, and that she wants to keep our plans to take her daughter to the amusement park next week. I think I really smiled for the first time that day. I say I would like that very much, I apologize for not respecting her as much as she deserves. I turn to leave, and she asks me if there is any hope... I say no, and get into the car. In my heart I feel there is hope, but my brain says no, and the one rules the other with an iron fist.

 

So I drive off.

[Grim]

Ok, so I finished my meeting! Nothing I like better than telling a room full of big wigs why my team and I are the best in the company!

 

I called my now ex in the early afternoon yesterday and said that we needed to talk, that I would drop by late in the evening. I told her right about 8pm. I showed up right on time, I helped her put her daughter to bed. We sat down on the couch, I took her hand, looked her striaght in the eye and said "I need you to know that this isnt going to work out between us". She immediately began to cry... said she didnt believe she had done anything that bad... promised me she had no feelings for her ex, that she only had feelings for me. I said I understand, that know exactly where she is coming from, but that I have put alot of thought into this and simply cant ever trust her again, and that this is the best outcome because otherwise I would just be jerking her around. This whole time she is sobbing uncontrollably, so I gave her a long hug. Once she got herself together a little bit, she asked me if it was because she was not pretty enough. That caught me really off guard. I said absolutely not in fact she was the most attractive woman I have ever dated, and it was because of that, I am having such a hard time this. Now, I was not lieing here, I have dated some girls that were gorgeous, but not attractive to me. However, she repeated the question, then I said I wasnt kidding that she was much prettier anyone who has ever had feelings for me. She put her face in her hands and started crying again. She looks up and asks "whats wrong with me? Why does this happen?"

 

By this point I feel like I've been hit with a brick. My tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth. I start to get angry with all the men that have made her life a wreck. I want to drive down to her ex's house, drag him out by the heels, and beat him into a coma. I want to slap her parents until they cry like this. I realize Im not much better.

 

I asked her to go for a short walk with me for the fresh air. We walk down to a small park at the end of the block. She apologizes for getting my shirt wet... I apologize for not bieng what she needs. She says for what its worth she now realizes what she did, she didnt understand it was important, then didnt know how to tell me, and asks if I can forgive her. I say I already have. Its late and together we watch the sun finally set. Poetic.

 

I ask her if she feels she can handle bieng friends, because I think her daughter would benefit from that. She says she doesnt know. I walk her back to her apartment in silence. At the door she says that she has never had a man respect her like I have, and that she wants to keep our plans to take her daughter to the amusement park next week. I think I really smiled for the first time that day. I say I would like that very much, I apologize for not respecting her as much as she deserves. I turn to leave, and she asks me if there is any hope... I say no, and get into the car. In my heart I feel there is hope, but my brain says no, and the one rules the other with an iron fist.

 

So I drive off.

 

if i say holy you can add the four letter word cant you.

 

nicest break up story i ever heard.

 

but bet it still hurt like hell

 

so admit it you are having second thoughts thinking one more go. but dont its not fair

[annabelle75]

Wow

 

You should right romance novels. You made your break up sound so poetic.