breaking up is hard to do

[Citizen Erased]

Ok, so I finished my meeting! Nothing I like better than telling a room full of big wigs why my team and I are the best in the company!

 

I called my now ex in the early afternoon yesterday and said that we needed to talk, that I would drop by late in the evening. I told her right about 8pm. I showed up right on time, I helped her put her daughter to bed. We sat down on the couch, I took her hand, looked her striaght in the eye and said "I need you to know that this isnt going to work out between us". She immediately began to cry... said she didnt believe she had done anything that bad... promised me she had no feelings for her ex, that she only had feelings for me. I said I understand, that know exactly where she is coming from, but that I have put alot of thought into this and simply cant ever trust her again, and that this is the best outcome because otherwise I would just be jerking her around. This whole time she is sobbing uncontrollably, so I gave her a long hug. Once she got herself together a little bit, she asked me if it was because she was not pretty enough. That caught me really off guard. I said absolutely not in fact she was the most attractive woman I have ever dated, and it was because of that, I am having such a hard time this. Now, I was not lieing here, I have dated some girls that were gorgeous, but not attractive to me. However, she repeated the question, then I said I wasnt kidding that she was much prettier anyone who has ever had feelings for me. She put her face in her hands and started crying again. She looks up and asks "whats wrong with me? Why does this happen?"

 

By this point I feel like I've been hit with a brick. My tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth. I start to get angry with all the men that have made her life a wreck. I want to drive down to her ex's house, drag him out by the heels, and beat him into a coma. I want to slap her parents until they cry like this. I realize Im not much better.

 

I asked her to go for a short walk with me for the fresh air. We walk down to a small park at the end of the block. She apologizes for getting my shirt wet... I apologize for not bieng what she needs. She says for what its worth she now realizes what she did, she didnt understand it was important, then didnt know how to tell me, and asks if I can forgive her. I say I already have. Its late and together we watch the sun finally set. Poetic.

 

I ask her if she feels she can handle bieng friends, because I think her daughter would benefit from that. She says she doesnt know. I walk her back to her apartment in silence. At the door she says that she has never had a man respect her like I have, and that she wants to keep our plans to take her daughter to the amusement park next week. I think I really smiled for the first time that day. I say I would like that very much, I apologize for not respecting her as much as she deserves. I turn to leave, and she asks me if there is any hope... I say no, and get into the car. In my heart I feel there is hope, but my brain says no, and the one rules the other with an iron fist.

 

So I drive off.

 

Okay if my bf every breaks up with me can you do it for him? I know he would do a really ****ty job of it and yours was perhaps the best handled breakup in the history of the world

 

It says alot about you how mature you were about this, and that you didn't lead her on.

[annabelle75]

Okay if my bf every breaks up with me can you do it for him? I know he would do a really ****ty job of it and yours was perhaps the best handled breakup in the history of the world

 

It says alot about you how mature you were about this, and that you didn't lead her on.

 

I want to date him now, just so he can break up with me. His break up has been better than most of my relationships.

[AriaIncognito]

About 12 years ago, I was that girl. For two years I dealt with a man that couldn't seem to make up his mind whether or not he wanted me. He obviously had some sort of feelings for me but not enough to really make a relationship last. By the time he was done jerking me around I had lost almost all ability to trust men. He did alot of damage to me emotionally. Don't be that guy.

 

I am that girl right now. 1 year of a guy doing this to me.

 

Please, don't be that guy. It's horrible for the girl. (and vice versa if a girl does it to a guy)

[AriaIncognito]

Cobra,

 

It's funny but your civil break up reminds me of my recent one. We broke up over a conversation that lasted a few hours. Then at like 10pm, we decided we were hungry and ordered chinese food lol. Strangest breakup ever. Of course after that break up, we proceeded to muck up the waters and see eachother and sleep together a few more times, before finally goign NC on eachother without a word.

 

I agree with others though, I'd date you just for the break up ;-)

[oppath]

Agreed. Good job. I was talking to a girl (who I'm probably going to date, but I don't want to get into that thread just yet) who was dumping her BF. She wanted to know how to do it?

 

I said, tell him "I really value you and care about you and am thankful for our time together, but lately my feelings have changed; they haven't continued to progress romantically, so I need to make a change in our relationship. It is nothing you did or didn't do. I just find myself confused and feeling that we aren't the right people for each other to continue. It hurts me so much because I truly care about you, but I don't think my feelings will ever change back, and I want you to heal so you can find the relationship you deserve, because in my heart I don't feel I am that person."

 

She was aghast! I can't say that! It's so cold and impersonal. I meant it as a template of course, but I disagreed with her completely.

 

(1) It is about the relationship not being right, not him as a person

(2) you are showing you care about him and you valued the relationship

(3) you are being honest about your FEELINGS

(4) you aren't giving false hope

 

How many breakups meet all 4 of these things? It doesn't matter what you say, as long as these criteria are met.

 

Very mature. Very well done. Now next time, don't keep sleeping with her casually for a month until you get the nerve to end if for good . You are out of the doghouse. I think you can see now that damage that would have done to her. She was letting it happen because she wanted more and was willing to keep you in her life as crumbs instead of the whole cake. Next time you end it with a girl, end it. Even if she's initiating sex, don't let it happen. Have a 6 month moratorium on sex with an ex.

[Grim]

Wow

 

You should right romance novels. You made your break up sound so poetic.

 

thats cuz he is a player

[Cobra_X30]

Wow

 

You should right romance novels. You made your break up sound so poetic.

 

Norajane is by far the best writer on the board. I think it sounds oddly artistic because I couldnt really put it in the past tense. I started a few times, but it kept feeling like I wasnt past it enough. So I put it in present tense, started with alot of bravado... ended with alot of doubt.

[Cobra_X30]

if i say holy you can add the four letter word cant you.

 

nicest break up story i ever heard.

 

but bet it still hurt like hell

 

so admit it you are having second thoughts thinking one more go. but dont its not fair

 

 

Yup... definite second thoughts. I almost feel like Ive backed myself into a corner. If I did give this a second chance... how is she to trust that I wont dump her again? Would she feel comfortable bieng honest with me?

 

She doesnt know if she can handle bieng just friends. I am pretty sure I cant, but I will if thats what she needs! I also know that if she finds someone else, I need to become a ghost real quick. Not sure how I feel about that.

[Cobra_X30]

Okay if my bf every breaks up with me can you do it for him? I know he would do a really ****ty job of it and yours was perhaps the best handled breakup in the history of the world

 

It says alot about you how mature you were about this, and that you didn't lead her on.

 

I am absolutely certain that if she wrote this, it would sound completely different.

 

In the past I have read a post or two about your BF. He seems like a really nice guy. Iron out a few minor issues and you two would probably be super happy together.

 

[sIZE=2]"Coming together is a beginning.

Keeping together is progress.

Working together is success."

 

I often think of this quote at work. Perhaps it may apply to personal life also.

[/sIZE]

[annabelle75]

Yup... definite second thoughts. I almost feel like Ive backed myself into a corner. If I did give this a second chance... how is she to trust that I wont dump her again? Would she feel comfortable bieng honest with me?

 

She doesnt know if she can handle bieng just friends. I am pretty sure I cant, but I will if thats what she needs! I also know that if she finds someone else, I need to become a ghost real quick. Not sure how I feel about that.

 

You are still feeling raw right now, so its not a good time to make these kind of decisions. Give yourself a few weeks to figure out what you really want, instead of just reacting to the feelings of loss you are now having. She'll think you are just jerking her around if you go back to her now when there is a real possibility in a few weeks you'll change your mind again.

 

Once you have had time to really choose what is best for you, then if you want, you can try to start over from scratch with her. If you decide to give it another chance you will have to put all this behind you and start over form the beginning.

[Cobra_X30]

You are out of the doghouse. I think you can see now that damage that would have done to her. She was letting it happen because she wanted more and was willing to keep you in her life as crumbs instead of the whole cake. Next time you end it with a girl, end it. Even if she's initiating sex, don't let it happen. Have a 6 month moratorium on sex with an ex.

 

You are correct in that I did the wrong thing. I let my anger take over, one person said it sounded like I was trying to punish... and I think I might have been. Either way... she didnt deserve that.

 

I have a hard time letting go of my anger. This can lead to me bieng very vindictive. I am certain that if I had gone through what you did, I would not have been Mr. Nice Guy. That girl would be crying herself to sleep for the next 10 years... and that may make you a better person than I.

[Cobra_X30]

I agree with others though, I'd date you just for the break up ;-)

 

 

"Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option." - ariawoman

 

That is a quote to live by.

 

Sounds like you already did this once. You may just be a glutton for punishment!

 

I doubt that I will ever completely undestand women.

[Cobra_X30]

You are still feeling raw right now, so its not a good time to make these kind of decisions. Give yourself a few weeks to figure out what you really want, instead of just reacting to the feelings of loss you are now having. She'll think you are just jerking her around if you go back to her now when there is a real possibility in a few weeks you'll change your mind again.

 

Once you have had time to really choose what is best for you, then if you want, you can try to start over from scratch with her. If you decide to give it another chance you will have to put all this behind you and start over form the beginning.

 

To be honest, I dont believe in clean slates. I'll tell you why. If there was a problem previously, Im want to tackle it now and work it out before ever thinking of moving forward. An issue that remains unresolved becomes a stumbling block later. Plus there needs to be an open and comfortable line of communication... Im not sure I gave that to her before. I can be a prick sometimes.

 

In my humble opinion. Forgiveness works, Forgetting doesnt.

 

You are completely correct that this is not a time to reconsider. I'm very raw. Very soon our friends are going to know... that is going to be even worse. I expect her best friend, who is a good friend of mine, to tear me a new A hole.

[annabelle75]

AAAAHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He's buggin at work again. Still not getting the point.

[Cobra_X30]

Perhaps you should reconsider my flesh eating bacteria idea! You think he is imagining you with a half empty bottle of whiskey and a revolver? Or do you think he is just dense?

 

I race, friday, saturday and sunday. A week ago I gave her two launch tickets for Saturday and Sunday. I have not asked her.... but do you think she will still show?

[annabelle75]

Perhaps you should reconsider my flesh eating bacteria idea! You think he is imagining you with a half empty bottle of whiskey and a revolver? Or do you think he is just dense?

 

I race, friday, saturday and sunday. A week ago I gave her two launch tickets for Saturday and Sunday. I have not asked her.... but do you think she will still show?

 

Not unless you tell her you want her too. She may feel that if she comes she'll appear to needy and clingy as if she won't let go. She migh think that you don't want her there.

 

Do you want her to come? If so, why?

[Grim]

I race, friday, saturday and sunday. A week ago I gave her two launch tickets for Saturday and Sunday. I have not asked her.... but do you think she will still show?

 

were u supposed to pick her up or was she to make her own way.

[Grim]

AAAAHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He's buggin at work again. Still not getting the point.

 

he will bug you for a while its a stratagey to try and get u to change your mind. ignore him for about a month

[Cobra_X30]

Not unless you tell her you want her too. She may feel that if she comes she'll appear to needy and clingy as if she won't let go. She migh think that you don't want her there.

 

Do you want her to come? If so, why?

 

I'm not sure what the answer to that is.... mostly because there are so many overlapping answers to that.

 

I take it your thinking whiskey + revolver? Im at that conclusion too!

[Cobra_X30]

Grim,

 

No, she was going to come on her own.

[Grim]

Grim,

 

No, she was going to come on her own.

 

she wont show unless you gave her hope

[livebuzzwords]

"

Having not so long ago been on the "dumpee" side of a break up, I am currently really struggling with how to end things with the guy I have been dating for the past few months.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to end things without devistating him? Should I possibily tell him I need a break first, so being dumped doesn't suddenly hit him all at once or is it best to just end things completely as soon as possible. I want to casue as little pain as possible. Although he betrayed my trust, I'm not really mad at him anymore. Just sort of indifferent.

"

 

Just wanted to comment on this common statement about wondering how is best to break up with someone. First of all, I believe that you both will be better off if you just meet, face to face, explain where you are at, and let each other heal thru respect. Never use No Contact. NC is a horrible thing to do to someone you once shared your life with. No matter how messy a break up is you should still treat the other person with respect and dignity. NC tells the other person, you meant nothing, you aren't worth my time to communicate and it causes more trouble than it brings benefits. NC is meant for one person to heal, and the person using NC is usually the person that made the decision to end things. Because they has already made plans to end things they are ahead of the game. What a selfish thing to do. Imagine someone, ending things, then going right into NC and total silence. The other person would be hurt, confused, dumbfounded and probably feel guilt-ridden. I am obviously in the minority here as it seems NC is quite popular but I would never do that to anyone. Every time I have been the one that ends things, I have always done it face to face, with an explaination and I take the time to honour what was the relationship - after all, if you don't you are dishonouring your own time spent and its always better to have clean spits, move forward positively and show the other person you can handle anything. I feel sorry for those suffering thru NC now. So my advice is do the right thing - you will feel better and grow as a person.

[annabelle75]

""

 

Just wanted to comment on this common statement about wondering how is best to break up with someone. First of all, I believe that you both will be better off if you just meet, face to face, explain where you are at, and let each other heal thru respect. Never use No Contact. NC is a horrible thing to do to someone you once shared your life with. No matter how messy a break up is you should still treat the other person with respect and dignity. NC tells the other person, you meant nothing, you aren't worth my time to communicate and it causes more trouble than it brings benefits. NC is meant for one person to heal, and the person using NC is usually the person that made the decision to end things. Because they has already made plans to end things they are ahead of the game. What a selfish thing to do. Imagine someone, ending things, then going right into NC and total silence. The other person would be hurt, confused, dumbfounded and probably feel guilt-ridden. I am obviously in the minority here as it seems NC is quite popular but I would never do that to anyone. Every time I have been the one that ends things, I have always done it face to face, with an explaination and I take the time to honour what was the relationship - after all, if you don't you are dishonouring your own time spent and its always better to have clean spits, move forward positively and show the other person you can handle anything. I feel sorry for those suffering thru NC now. So my advice is do the right thing - you will feel better and grow as a person.

 

Yes, I actaully agree with this. I know most every one here is big on NC. I think NC is good if you are initiating it in an attempt toget over some one and it is the only way to do it. But I feel that if you are the "dumper" initiating NC is disrespectful and just enforces the "I don't care or want to be bothered with you" scenario.

 

In my case I do care and if still talking to me helps him than I have no problem doing it. If it is just standing in the way of him healing than I'll tell him that. I'm not gonna just cut him off though. I've had that doen to me before and it was just plain cruel. I felt as though I wasn't worth his time and I never want to make another person feel like that.

[Cobra_X30]

^^^

 

Just read this! Very helpful. Definitely a time and place for NC.

 

We talk once a day or more + emails + text. I'd be down for carrier pidgeon too, just cause its old fashion.

 

Oh, Story time? Yes Story time....

 

I went to the grocery store yesterday. I saw this really nice looking girl, definitely some kind of south american. So, I'm thinking... gotta kind of get back on the horse so to speak. I casually walk up and strike up a conversation over the cantelopes. She just gives me this blank stare... like the kind of stare you give that guy on the corner of the street screaming the world is about to end. I stop and restart... this time in spanish. Problem... my spanish is very limited. I got her laughing really hard. I'm pretty sure I got her name (Esmerelda?) and #. 90% chance I told her that I make love to donkeys, I find her grandma very pretty, and I need someone to clean my house!

 

Now if I am back looking for a translator, you know why!

[Grim]

^^^

 

Just read this! Very helpful. Definitely a time and place for NC.

 

We talk once a day or more + emails + text. I'd be down for carrier pidgeon too, just cause its old fashion.

 

Oh, Story time? Yes Story time....

 

I went to the grocery store yesterday. I saw this really nice looking girl, definitely some kind of south american. So, I'm thinking... gotta kind of get back on the horse so to speak. I casually walk up and strike up a conversation over the cantelopes. She just gives me this blank stare... like the kind of stare you give that guy on the corner of the street screaming the world is about to end. I stop and restart... this time in spanish. Problem... my spanish is very limited. I got her laughing really hard. I'm pretty sure I got her name (Esmerelda?) and #. 90% chance I told her that I make love to donkeys, I find her grandma very pretty, and I need someone to clean my house!

 

Now if I am back looking for a translator, you know why!

 

 

ok clue is in the name

esmerelda hunch back of notre dame.

 

on another note i won my battle whoes crying now