My Mother

[Kat]

My mother has been a professional student all her life (been a student for over 30 years now). Has always been very busy with work and study. When I was younger I was bought up by my father. My father cooked, cleaned, and played Mr Mum.

When I was 6 they divorced and I was made to go overseas with my mother on work. My dad asked that I live with him, but my mother didn't let me. Till this day she still claims that my father didn't want me to move in with him and "She is sorry she got rejected by him and he had to lie to me".

 

I am now 20(a month off 21) and am living at home with my mother and older half brother. My father lives about 10 mins drive away and has remarried and has had more kids. I HATE living here. It is like I got 5% of who I am from my mother and the rest from my father. I cannot even talk to my mother without feeling simply uncomfy.

 

Both my mother and brother do marijuana, and my brother smokes and they, combined, have lots of friends who do too. They are both unhygienic animals. Will leave rotting food in the kitchen that attract ants and bugs and my mother will say "Oh but a compost is better for the environment", then she too complains about how many bugs hang out in our kitchen. She does nothing but ask my friends and b/f for constant favours. I find this extremely rude and she makes me and them feel extremely small if we decline.

 

She is your typical single nearly 50 year old woman who will flirt with anything near her to try and get her way, then scream feminist. She constantly mothers my daughter and then when I get annoyed say "It is ok, It took me a while to get the hang of it, don't feel like you can never live up to me". I mean OMG! How rude! She claims that she taught my father to cook and my father was never a true father to me because he got a new family.

 

I am stuck at home because of money issues, I know I have spoken before about wanting to move out with my b/f and this is one of the major reasons behind it.

 

My mother irritates me and I NEED to move out. I cannot live here any longer, but I cannot move out as I do not have enough money or income to get a loan for a house, nor can I move out and rent and still have enough to save up for a house.

 

I am currently planning my 21st and I have told my mother that I do not want her there. She single handedly organised and paid for my brothers (who's father lives overseas and we never see or hear from, let alone get money to help raise his son) yet hasn't lifted a finger because she knows "your father will handle it"

 

I am stuck here for another year at least (unless some miracle happens like I win the lotto) and I don't know how to handle it.

 

I have my room, and it has my computer and tv in it, so I have to socialise with my own family as little as possible.

 

How can I survive?? What do I do? I litrally feel trapped when my mother talks to me about things in my life, because she is the biggest gossip you will ever know

 

p.s. this is my mother who thinks the father of my child, who threatened to kill me and my daughter and also raped me while pregnant, deserves ever chance to be Hope's father because "He belongs to Hope, and how would I of felt if she refused me to see my father". Note, my father never hit her, never abused her, and never threatened her and is the perfect father and family man.

[Tony T]

You're in a very difficult situation. You can do nothing but change your attitude and look at things differently. Do the best to see that your child isn't affected by this highly dysfunctional environment. And don't think things will be better when you leave. Extreme damage has been done to you psychologically and it may take years to gradually heal from it, although you seem to have at least recognized what happened to you.

 

I'm sure there's a great deal of suppressed anger inside of you that will have to be worked out.

 

Try some meditation and seek a quiet place in your mind where you can work things out. Write your feelings each day in a journal and put it where nobody else can find it.

 

If you can find a quiet place where you can meet with your soul often, you might be very surprised on how soon you can depart from this terrible living environment.

[midori]

It sounds like you're rather conflicted when it comes to your mother, and it sounds like that's understandable given your history with her. But you've got to live in the present and plan for the future.

 

1. You're living in her house. You can't reasonably expect her to have no opinions about what you're doing, etc. It would be nice if she could be supportive and it's disconcerting that she sees your abusive ex in a favorable light. It sounds like you're not surprised by any of that, given your history with her. It's a pity that she wasn't there for you when you were a kid, and I don't blame you one bit for resenting her for that.

 

But right now you're an adult with a child of your own who is asking you mother to support both of you. You don't like the conditions of the home she's providing for you, and again I can see why based on your description. But she's the one providing it. If I were you I'd want to get out of that house ASAP, for all the reasons you cite. But in the meantime I think I'd be grateful to have a place to stay. Without your mother, where would you and your daughter be at the moment?

 

2. Given that you find living with her to be intolerable, why are you undertaking any expense that will delay your accruing the money you need to get a place of your own, eg a big birthday party? Parties are nice but they're not necessities. What are your priorities? Sure lots of people have big bashes for their 21st birthdays. But you're somewhat atypical: you don't even have enough money to house, feed and clothe yourself and your child. Why not postpone the party for another year, when your circumstances are better?

 

3. Again, while I agree that your mother and brothers sound quite dreadful in many ways, don't you think it's a bit much for you to be slagging them off one minute, then complaining that your mom isn't willing to pay for your birthday party the next?

 

Honestly I think I can see why you're so resentful of your mother. But you surely know that you're not going to change her. All you can do is take steps to minimize or even eliminate your interactions with her. As long as you're actually dependent on her, you can't do that. And despite her numerous flaws, it's not her fault that you're in the position you're in, is it? You made the choices that have led to your dependence upon her. You can't change her but you can do all you can to not be in the position to depend on her.

 

If you haven't yet mapped out a plan to "escape," do so. Figure out how much you'll need to get an apartment of your own, and then set out to make that happen. Set aside a specific amount each month, based on your calculations, so that in six months or a year -- whatever is realistic -- you can be in your own place. Then your problems with your mother will cease to exist. There's no use in dwelling on all the ways she has failed you over the years. Can't be undone, can it? All you can do is be responsible for yourself going forward, so that regardless of how much pot she smokes, how dirty her kitchen is, or what any of her opinions are, you and your daughter can live peacefully and happily.

 

good luck

[Just A Girl2]

My heart goes out to you, that sounds like a nasty environment to be living in...also not great for your daughter.

 

You said you can't rent your own place now because then you wouldn't have enough saved up to buy your own place. Maybe you need to start out smaller? As nice as it would be to own your own place, at this point, just having a place away from your family would be great, no? You're still young, you have plenty of time to buy a house, really.......can't you consider renting a one bedroom apartment? Or, what about looking for someone who's looking for a roommate/or someone to share their home? Lots of people where I live here, will place an ad looking for someone to share their home.....or even rent the basement (basement suite) off them. What are rent prices like where you are? Maybe you could even find someone, like another single Mom, who's maybe not financially able to rent a place on her own but could afford to share a place? Even a small house?

 

But then what would you do in terms of daycare for your daughter while you work/go to school? Is it your mom who currently cares for your daughter while you're not home?

 

Do you talk to your Dad at all? What kind of relationship do you have with him? Yes, he has his own family and all that, but if he knew the kind of situation you're in, and the environment you're having to live in, maybe he could at least help you out financially, after all, you are his daughter, and she's his granddaughter.

 

You have to think, too.....that because there's illegal drug use going on in your current home, if the place was ever busted, your daughter could potentially be removed. A shame that your Mom and brother are willing to put you and your daughter at risk like this. Surely they must know this. And what about the fact that your daughter deserves to live in a house that's free of freaking bugs and grunge (not your fault).

 

I don't know if you live in a big city, but in most cities, I think they have rental assistance to those who qualify (meaning: they make under "x" amount of $ per year, I'm sure you'd qualify).........I know here, too (where I am in Canada), Moms/parents who can't afford the cost of day care get subsidized, too.....so they pay much less, usually based on what they make (sliding scale).

 

I think you probably have several options here, but maybe you're just not aware of them, which is understandable. If you want to PM me, if you're not all that familiar with using search engines and such, you could give me a rough idea where in the country you are and I could help you do some online searches for agencies or organizations or whatever that could help you out here, so that you could get yourself into your own place. I think you would be so much happier there, both of you.

 

Hugs

JAG

[Kat]

midori

But right now you're an adult with a child of your own who is asking you mother to support both of you.

 

I live at home and do not pay any rent. I buy my own food and food for my daughter. I have my own mobile phone and land line in my room, which I am 100% responsible for. I am also responsible for my clothes, toiletries and others. All my mother pays for is electrcity bill and gas which I am 2/4 responsible for, but have not been asked for any money for that. The majority of food and toiletries I buy with my own money is used by my mother AND brother.

then complaining that your mom isn't willing to pay for your birthday party the next?

My main observation, not complaint, is the unfairness of what my mother shows. I do not want her to pay for my 21st, and I don't actually want a 21st party because of the price, which can be put towards other things(even if it has nothing to do with me). My father has agreed to pay for my 21st and mainly for my family, to which I have not seen most of them all in one place since before my parents divorced. To me in one place at one time with my entire extended and close family, is priceless. Please note I do not require a large party, or even a party at all. I would prefer to have it all towards savings for me and my daughter

Set aside a specific amount each month, based on your calculations, so that in six months or a year -- whatever is realistic -- you can be in your own place.

I currently have a Budget that allows me to save over $200 a week. One thing I am good with is money and I have a daughter, I cannot afford to not be money wise. Unfortunately My savings plan isn't going too well due to family court costs, car costs, and clothes for my daughter.

 

 

Just A Girl2

You're still young, you have plenty of time to buy a house,

I understand that, but my main focus is my daughter and security for her. I want my daughter to be able to grow up in a loving and caring enviroment that is familiar to her, and now house jump every few months. I just want to be a good mother and do the best job I can, I believe if I am able to borrow money for a house, I can pay the repayments and allow my daughter stability. If then I end up moving in with my current b/f I will then have the extra income from renting that property out. I know rent is there and it would be my last choice.

But then what would you do in terms of daycare for your daughter while you work/go to school? Is it your mom who currently cares for your daughter while you're not home?

My daughter is cared for at the local family day care. She is 2 years old so she hasn't gotten to school or kindy yet. My mother looks after her on Saturday's when I work for 4 hours. OUtside of that it is mainly when she chooses too

 

maybe he could at least help you out financially, after all, you are his daughter, and she's his granddaughter.

He probley could and I plan on talking to him about it. He has kids that, I have seen first hand, take all they can get from him and I am not like that. I would prefer to do it on my own, but if I realise I can't my father would help me and I love him for that

I don't know if you live in a big city, but in most cities, I think they have rental assistance to those who qualify

Our's does and I am on the waiting list. Unfortunately it is 48mths long

 

 

Thanks guys, I spose it is one of those things that you feel trapped in and have no idea what to do..then again I think some people just need to get it out