The current and their ex

[Kat]

We had a wedding on the weekend. The bride was a good friend of my b/f and his ex. Everything went fine until the very end of the night. Her and I were chatting and I don't have an issue with her.

 

We left the reception and headed into town. While we were lining up to get into a nightclub I turned behind me and my b/f and his ex were talking, she was straightening his tie and leaning into him very sexually.(note: her b/f had just left her and headed off with his mates and hadn't even spoken to my b/f all night)

 

As soon as that happened I said I wanted to go home. On the way home I said that I trusted him and knew he would never do anything, but what I saw hurt.

We dot home and he went straight to bed. I had taken the blankets and gone to sleep on the couch. After 20mins I stormed back into the room and confronted him. During the first half of our discussion he called me psycho. As soon as he said it he took it back and said he was wrong for saying it as it wasn't true

 

While we talked the issue through and it is all sorted out, I have found that I can't shake of what he called me however. I was nearly in tears today because of it. The last two people who I had been with in a 'relationship' have both called me psycho and the fact that he had (being nothing like my ex's) has really hurt me. We do not see each other during the week and have agreed not to bring anything up unless it is face to face because it is best. I don't know what to say, or that anything needs to be said, but I am really hurt about what he said I feel like crawling up in a ball and cry.

 

I know it sounds like an over reaction but we all have one thing that hurts us, and being called psycho REALLY REALLY hurts me

[Girl]

Uuggh... I've been called that once, I know how it lingers in your head... I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling.

 

I think it's common for guys to see us as having flipped when we confront them with the full force of our emotions, often out of nowhere.... human nature to instantly go on the offensive. At least he recognised his error the minute it came out of his mouth.

 

Perhaps you can tell him when you see him again face to face just how much it's hurt you and that it's still lingering... but I guess time is the only thing that's going to heal this.

[Kat]

Just after I posted that thread he logged on, geeky I know, and he asked me how I was. I told(typed) him and he said that he too had been thinking about it all day.

 

We talked(not face to face) He said he didn't mean it, and I believe him.

 

All I know is that it feels great to be able to believe someone like that, as I have never been able to before. We have agreed it was a heated, and sadly a drunken, arguement and we have left it back there.

 

I love him and believe him when he says he didn't mean it.

 

So all sorted, cause I am not going to hold onto what he said because of idiots in the past

 

[Tony T]

I think you need to understand that a lot of people say things they don't literally mean all the time. I tell people they are crazy at least once a day but I don't literally mean it.

 

Now, what you did in that line was a bit on the looney side. If you see a girl straightening your guy's tie, that was your fault. You weren't being there...being attentive...and YOU allowed it to happen. If you had been conscious, you would have told this lady that it was your place to fix his tie and thanked her for calling your attention to it.

 

If you had been looking the other way and suddenly turned to see this happening, there are many more mature ways of handling that than just saying...hey, we're going home. Going home doesn't fix anything. It makes things worse and makes you look bad to a lot of people. It may have even made him think of the word "psycho."

 

There was no good reason to react the way you did. They weren't having sexual intercourse on the sidewalk in front of you. She, being a long time friend of his, was fixing his tie. Hell, MEN used to fix my tie all the time when I was younger and I am a man. It's just something people do...like telling a guy his fly is open. At least she wasn't zipping him up at the crotch.

 

Learn to control yourself a bit better and you won't have these exchanges. Stay cool. Be OK with life. Just think of how much better things would have been had you remained in the line, gone into the club, had a good time, and discussed the tie fixing event later that evening or another day. Demanding that the two of you go home was a reaction WAY out of proportion to the event. Your boyfriend didn't ask her to do it...and, not being the same person you are, he probably saw no harm it in.

 

Maybe it was disrespectful on the part of his ex to fix his tie with you standing right there. If she had class, she would have suggested you fix the tie. But to get mad at your boyfriend because his ex has no class or manners is pretty nutty. This lack of manners is probably why he dumped her.

 

Learn to be a little more cool about life. It's so crazy to go through it upsetting yourself all the time. Things pass...they pass quickly. You would have had a much more wonderful evening inside the club than you had storming home all pissed off about this meaningless tie thing...and your guy's tie would have looked better as well.

 

I think it's really nice that your guy wears a tie for you. Now, that's class!!!

[Kat]

I would ask that you not claim that "I wasn't there for him" and that is why she straightened his tie. I am not at my b/f's side 24 hours a day like a handbag and I do allow him to talk to his friends, including his ex. It wasn't like I made a scene infront of everyone, I even gave her a hug and kiss goodbuy. I didn't want to be at that club anyway.

 

As you have stated, the issue I had was because that was my job and he allowed her to do it. How is that then my fault????

 

Do you expect women to never leave their mans side Tony?

[Kat]

I have a feeling that some people cannot comprehend that you can get upset by someones actions without accusing them of cheating, or thinking that they would.

 

I would never think that my b/f would cheat but watching him interact like that with his ex upset me. Isn't that normal human behaviour?

[zman]

Kat,

 

I know words can hurt deeply, and we all have issues we are very sensitive about. But usually if someone calls you a name, it doesn't hurt you unless you think there might be a shred of truth to it. If you know you're not psycho, then if someone calls you that you'll just brush it off because you know it's not true. If someone calls you an idiot, it doesn't bother you because you know you're not one. Someone slightly mentally retarded would probably be hurt by being called this name however.

 

I think your response was well within the range of normal behavior, and I think Tony is being a little harsh, but still his suggestions for responding might have been a little healthier. It would have been better to make a joke out of it or something, to send the message that this is your man now while being playful. But I'm glad you talked things through and everything ended up ok.