Forgive a cheater???

[ToriJ]

Hi, in may this year i found out my boyfriend of 2 and a half years cheated on me. He started going out a lot more with his mates (who were all single) and kissed a few girls. He took their numbers and was texting them for months. This all started in january. Anyway i found out by accident. When i found out he was texting 3 different girls so obviously i dumped him there and then.

He has been calling and texting me but i refused to answer until last weekend. I met his mam who told me he was on a road to self distruction and she was very worried about him. He then rang me the same nite saying he was going to comit suicide (about the 3rd time he said this). I agreed to meet him the next day. I wasnt expecting him to be so honest and blunt with me but he basically told me he cant get on with life without me and just wants to die. He says he actually fantacises about dying and really likes the taughts of it. He's totally embarrassed, ashamed and discusted with himself for what he did. All he does all day is download our fave songs and listen to them crying and looking at our photos.

His work is suffering, he started doing cocane and hash and drinking really heavily, nothing matters to him anymore.

Due to the state he is in i told him i forgive him, which i do, i dont think anyone should be going through such turmoil. I've let it go and moved passed it and told him he should try and do the same, he says he cant forgive himself for doing that to me.

Im not sure how exactly i feel about him. I miss him and our relationship badly but ive always been a firm believer in once a cheater always a cheater.

Does a cheater ever change? Should he be given another chance? Any opinions would be grately appreciated.

 

Thanks x

[Citizen Erased]

Forget the cheating. Anyone who uses suicide to convince their ex to get back with them is pathetic, yet dangerous. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING BACK WITH HIM! He has shown he is mentally unstable, add on cheating with numerous girls, he is not the one for you.

[squeak]

He has went into drug use, brought up suicide as a way to get you back after he voluntarily hurt you by cheating many times, and so just NO.

[Brad_from_NJ]

My advice to you...

 

Run!

[risqueclothes4him]

The next time he calls tell him you've changed your phone number to [insert number of suicide prevention hotline] and RUN don't walk away from this relationship!

[Lizzie60]

Hi, in may this year i found out my boyfriend of 2 and a half years cheated on me. He started going out a lot more with his mates (who were all single) and kissed a few girls. He took their numbers and was texting them for months. This all started in january. Anyway i found out by accident. When i found out he was texting 3 different girls so obviously i dumped him there and then.

He has been calling and texting me but i refused to answer until last weekend. I met his mam who told me he was on a road to self distruction and she was very worried about him. He then rang me the same nite saying he was going to comit suicide (about the 3rd time he said this). I agreed to meet him the next day. I wasnt expecting him to be so honest and blunt with me but he basically told me he cant get on with life without me and just wants to die. He says he actually fantacises about dying and really likes the taughts of it. He's totally embarrassed, ashamed and discusted with himself for what he did. All he does all day is download our fave songs and listen to them crying and looking at our photos.

His work is suffering, he started doing cocane and hash and drinking really heavily, nothing matters to him anymore.

Due to the state he is in i told him i forgive him, which i do, i dont think anyone should be going through such turmoil. I've let it go and moved passed it and told him he should try and do the same, he says he cant forgive himself for doing that to me.

Im not sure how exactly i feel about him. I miss him and our relationship badly but ive always been a firm believer in once a cheater always a cheater.

Does a cheater ever change? Should he be given another chance? Any opinions would be grately appreciated.

 

Thanks x

 

He is pathetically controlling and manipulative...

If you want to be cheated again, then you can give him another chance.

 

I've been depressed before and suicidal... even been in a psychiatric hospital for a little while... and I know that people who are really suicidal... do not threaten people about it... they are usually discreet about it and no one actually knows until it happens...

[EnigmaXOXO]

Im not sure how exactly i feel about him. I miss him and our relationship badly but ive always been a firm believer in once a cheater always a cheater.

 

Wow. Seems the “cheating” part is the least of all the issues you’ve described here ... or at minimal the result (not the cause) of all the rest of what’s going on with him. I’m worried for you.

 

It’s one thing to care about someone enough to want them to get better, but what exactly will you be taking on here if you choose to re-enter this relationship in hopes of somehow “saving” him from himself? Are you really up for the task ... considering how sensitive you still are regarding his reckless behavior before? And how can you really expect your relationship with him to change for the better considering he seems to have only taken a turn for the worse?

 

I don’t think any guarantees about his ability to remain faithful is going to fix everything else that is oh-so-wrong, here. Just because you think he’s learned a lesson and needs you now, doesn’t mean he’s turned over shiny new leaf and is emotionally/mentally healthy enough to navigate his own life let alone a relationship with another person. In fact, what you’ve just described says opposite. And threats of suicide are [n]not[/b] expressions of love ... they’re the desperate cries for help from a drowning man who needs serious, PROFESSIONAL help from someone qualified and experienced enough to handle it.

 

If you’re not sure how you feel about him, than there’s a darn good reason. Compassion is good, but not when you allow it to guilt-trip you into a situation that you know intuitively is not healthy for you. YOUR worth saving, too. So I hope, for your sake, that you really stop to consider your own well-being first before volunteering to play the martyr for someone else.

[bish]

Never forgive a cheater. You WILL regret it.

 

Best to dump them and move on.

[tinke]

whew! unfortunately, i have been in a relationship where he had cheated. well actually, he always broke up (out of the blue) so he can date others. the grass was always greener somewhere else and ALWAYS he thought of himself first!

 

it is my strong belief that once they cheat...it will eventually happen again. what i did take away from the experience is to cut my losses immediately and move on. never will i believe things will change again. patterns repeat themselves. i believe if he thought so little of the relationship then, what would change in the future? (when you believe things are comfortable?)

 

if you believe he is capable of harming himself, maybe a call to his family would be warranted, let them take on the responsibility.

 

also, if you want to break from him, it would be wise to explain your thoughts firmly and take a stance, and then move on.

[ToriJ]

Hey thanks for all your replys. He has always been extremly sensitive kind of guy, very emotionally immature. He tends to act on impulse and thats why im worried about the suicide. He is extremly depressed since i left, nothing is making him happy and this is why he has turned to drugs and drink. This guy is a very high achieve at work, he takes pride in being the best at what he does and i cannot believe he is actually letting his work suffer. He is literally very close to being sacked.

All of this stuff is very out of character for him, everything that has happened since january is out of character. I dont want to c him going through this, it hurts me to think he is suffering this badly.

I no why you guys are saying i should run away, but if someone you loved was in so much pain and so unhappy would you just leave them?? Maybe it is best that he doesnt see me, maybe he'll get over me quicker that way but i just dont no what is best.

Am i just being a fool being nice to someone who could hurt me so much? Can anyone please help me!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I no why you guys are saying i should run away, but if someone you loved was in so much pain and so unhappy would you just leave them??

 

Not if it were my child.

 

Not if it were my spouse or family member.

 

Not if it were a very close friend ... at least until it got too much to handle.

 

But if it were an ex boyfriend who I had already “left” because he treated me like crap even when he was at his best ... your d*mn straight! Especially if the agenda behind my wanting to help him was to recreate the kind of relationship we really never had together in the first place. If my motive to “help” wasn’t sincere and completely selfless, than I’d only accumulate more disappointment and resentment when my toad didn’t change into my fairytale prince.

 

If his mom is genuinely concerned for her son, she should turn to a professional to get him the help he needs rather than pinning her hopes on some young woman who is no more experienced at handling it than her. That’s an awful lot to put on you, and quiet frankly, a bit unfair.

 

Am i just being a fool being nice to someone who could hurt me so much?

 

Not foolish. But perhaps a bit naive, idealistic and overly romantic. Gets us females in big trouble every time. Particularly now, since you’re still not over what he’s done to you and you’re still mourning the end of your relationship. When you’re lonely, you’re all that more vulnerable.

 

Decide exactly what it is you want to get out of this ... and if it’s anything other than what you’ve already got right now, don’t involve yourself. And especially don’t gamble away on someone anything more than you’re already prepared to lose. Then again, there’s always a valuable lesson to be learned in whatever choice you make.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide ...

[tinke]

you are helping by notifying his family member, they can get him the help he needs and also stand guard over him. by you entering the picture, isn't helping him accept this or the whole situation in general. you had already decided to leave for various reasons, the best way to help him now is to stay out of the picture completely. he cannot accept and heal if you continue to be present. why are you taking on the responsibility for this? for his behaviors/actions?

 

it seems you are justifying why you NEED to be there. what he needs, is family and professional help.

[lostboy60645]

Sorry you're going through it.

 

I agree with the other posters that this guy has some serious issues. First, if he's truly suicidal and has a plan, that's a certifiable reason to be hospitalized. If he refuses, you could actually call the police to do a 'wellness check' which is totally legit.

 

Secondly, if he's NOT suicidal, then by definition he's being manipulative.

 

Thirdly, and closer to MY home, is that he uses drugs compulsively to mask his feelings. That's something I'm familiar with because I did the same thing. I've also lied, cheated, and hid things from my significant others since I began dating.

 

Why does a guy do it?

 

There are many reasons. Mine are quite complicated, but you can read about them on my blog.

 

Good luck. Don't forget to take care of yourself in this. You've been wounded by him and that needs to be talked out with someone other than him, preferably a wise friend or a professional.

 

Lostboy60645

http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com

[tirp]

my ex done the exact same thing

cheat on me to satisfy an urge i left him he went severly down hill drugs, drinking, suicidal all of the above even left work he was devastated i remained to be there for him because he had no one else close. I called his family and let them know the situation after he cut himself one night... anyways he has been through a bad patch for the last six months n now got another girl pregnant which has made me realise how much i really love him. i think it doesnt hurt to stand by people when they are down but just remeber to always put yourself first

[shoesies05]

Aw sweety,

First off, im so sorry you have to go through all of this. You'll get through it and you deserve someone way better.

 

He was a jerk for messing around on you- one reason to leave him

 

He is manipulating you by telling you hes going to kill himself {something my ex told me too}

 

He is now doing coke- so not cool

 

So, dont give him another chance. I know you love him and have a PAST with him, but dont make it a FUTURE. keep it in the past- do forgive him, but in a sense that u understand he messed up, and that u were wronged but ur mature enough to get over it and move on with life.

 

as for him: talk to his mom or someone very close to him about the drug use and suicidal talk because tho the suicidal thoughts might be just to manipulate you, you never know if they are true and u dont want his death to haunt u. just help him through someone else- do not talk to him or ANYTHING!!! you can still help im while helping yourself. be careful

[birdie]

He has always been extremly sensitive kind of guy, very emotionally immature. He tends to act on impulse and thats why im worried about the suicide. He is extremly depressed since i left, nothing is making him happy and this is why he has turned to drugs and drink. This guy is a very high achieve at work, he takes pride in being the best at what he does and i cannot believe he is actually letting his work suffer. He is literally very close to being sacked.

 

I think a lot of us have been through similar situations in our lives, I can certainly relate to depression, screwing things up badly at work (which is also unusual for me as I am a professional) and being impulsive by nature.

 

All I can say is that people sometimes need a wake-up call to show them that their behaviour is not acceptable. It is called tough love and if you validate his behaviour he will remain a weak and immature man for much longer.

 

You will help him by making very clear that his behaviour is NOT acceptable and you explain to him why you are not going back to him.

[Whyme_wtf]

This is not the person you want to go throught life with I think. Do you want him by you at the end of your days? do you want this kind of manipulative destructive behavior to be near you. You deserve better.

Once a little lie, then they get bigger. If you cant trust him on little stuff and big stuff, what is there to trust in.

Be happy with yourself. Do yourself a big favour and just tell him (email, text, voice) in whatever fashion you can handle to leave you alone. It is best for everyone. You cannot be his savior. He has to save himself.