one last chance

[sensei]

i need help.here are the facts:i met this girl while reviewin for the medicine board.i have to admit that i had a crush on her the moment i saw her.in short, after a brief introduction we automatically got close.we had a great time together,i can honestly say that i know how to make her laugh.we never talked bout commitment but we made sure that we made each other feel very special.we even became a popular couple in school.things started to get sour after the board exams.she found a job and i started to get frustrated of the time shes givin me.i even got jealous of her friends and demanded her to go home early whenever she's with them.she got tired of it and told me that it would be better if we stay as friends.she told me that she thought she's ready for a relationship but i guess i scared her off.she sounded irritated whenever i call her so i backed of for a month.i called her on valentines day and she sounded excited, so i took it as a cue to go visit her.when she saw me,she was very happy and we spent vday cuddling and kissing.i thought everythings okay already till i showed up on her door with flowers 2 days after.she looked irritated seeing me with the flowers and told me that i make her feel overwhelmed and indebted,so i backed of again.atleast she beeped me and thanked me for the flowers.the results of the exams was released,she made it and i didn't.that very same night she called me and told me that she was sorry that i didn't make it.she comforted me for hours on the phone and even insisted on having breakfast with me the followin morning.she kept in touch a few more days tryin to check if i'm feelin better, then she went silent again.she only beeps me when i take the initiative.please help me on this,i love this girl and would do anything to win her love back.i'm currently reviewin for the medicine board again but i miss her so much that i'm finding it hard to even lift a book.what should i do?i'm not sure if she loves me enough to take me back.all i want now is to have that one last chance.please help me...please..

[Tony T]

You don't "win" somebody's love. Love is not a prize to be won. Love is given freely to the worthy and withheld at the option of the giver.

 

The big mistake you make is DEMANDING that she do or not do things. This woman is your equal and you have no business demanding that she go home early when she's with friends. Most women would tell you to go screw yourself if you did that, especially an intelligent woman like her. You're lucky she still talks to you.

 

She is smart enough to know that you are on the controlling side and she doesn't like it and never will. Until you can back off and be cool about her and let her live her life as she desires, she may be your friend because she seems to like you...but no way will she get involved with you beyond that in any meaningful way.

 

So you've got a lot of work to do with yourself. You have to learn a lot more about women and love and you've got to work on just letting things happen and letting other free human beings do what they want to do. If you're the jealous type, get some counselling to find out why you are insecure. Work on yourself and learn how to relate to others in ways that will make them burn with desire to love you and want you in their lives.

 

It sounds like this is a very wonderful lady...but she has brains, she's rational, she's level headed and she knows what she wants and what she doesn't want. And while she may go along with you in silence, in her mind she knows that you're not the man for her with your behaviors as they stand right now.

 

Make the changes...not for her....but to just be a better human being.

 

Let her call most of the shots for now. When you don't hear from here, no problem. Give her a call after three or four days, say hello, and keep it nice and short. Don't drill her on what she's been doing and don't beg her to get together with you. Be grateful for any time she is able to spend with you and don't get peeved or panic when she chooses to spend time with others. That's HER call, not yours.

 

Now, on the subject of love, demands, and all that stuff, I want to leave you with this link to go to. It's what Kahlil Gibran has to say about love in "The Prophet." Pay attention to his words and live by them. The are the deep secrets about love that you obviously don't have a clue about.

 

Click here and good luck!!!: http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran2.html

[sensei]

thank you very much tony!reading that gibran piece about love truly enlightened me.i will memorize it by heart.and you're right,she is so wonderful that you could not imagine the pain of losing her.i love her so much and i truly want her back,that in fact i got myself spiritual and psychological help to better understand myself,and in that way become a better person for me and for her.i've only loved two women in my life.i lost the first one coz of the same mistake and waited 8 years to find another great love.and did i say that she's the one who made the first move.i guess at the time,i was also such a wonderful person.modesty aside,i'm quite popular myself in school.but my desire not to let go of this love and to posses her consumed me,and in some moments lost the man she came to admire and care for.the sparkle in her eyes whenever she sees me lost its vigor and was replaced by the look of uncertainty.i could not believe that such a warm,caring woman could turn into someone so cold and uncaring.i know the mistakes i made and vow never to make the same mistakes again.the only thing i want now is to see that old look in her eyes and to experience once again the warmth of her care.how can i tell her that i've changed?when i'm too scared to scare her away again.help me please,i will listen..

[clia]

All I have to say is that you need to think about yourself and your future right now and not think so much about this girl.

 

Put every inch of your being into passing your boards. THAT is the most important thing in your life right now. People come and go, loves come and go, women come and go. Focus on your career first.

 

After you pass your boards you can deal with this crap. Don't let one woman ruin your entire career.

[sensei]

i already tried forgetting bout her but in vain.i think that when you truly love someone,you must exert every effort to fight for it.that way i wont have any "what ifs",. i know i have to prioritize passing the boards but i also want her back in my life.i also know that one must not let emotions completely cloud our reasons but what do you do when all of your being shouts that she's the one.i waited a very long time for someone like her to arrive in my life,and i can't give up that easily.i will pass my boards but it will be an empty victory without her.any idea to get her love back will be greatly appreciated.i'm on my knees..

[sensei]

i know i should keep my contact with her to a bare minimum as any form of pressure will only further drive her away.but yesterday i called her coz i have to give her a gift for the oathtaking(she passed the med board).,she met me lastnight and i gave her the gift plus a letter saying that i'm sorry,that i value her company,and that i wanted to show her that i'm a changed man and that i'm willing to wait.i wrote it in a way that would not pressure her into making any immediate decision.she even asked me out lastnight but i politely declined(gotta play it cool right?).,anyway,she beeped me and told me that she really liked my gift and will call me and get in touch with me some other time.she did not mention the letter.

 

how do i deal with mixed signals?and how long must i wait for her to address the letter?what should be my next move?

 

i know i made a good move,but i honestly don't know what to do next.she always seems to be a step ahead of me,and oops i failed to mention that she's 5 years older than i am and very intelligent,with a shy and quiet demeanor.

 

how do i deal with a woman like her?i'm confused.

 

tony,midori...someone out there.please enlighten me..

[yes]

she said she'd get in touch with you, right? so wait until she does & see what she says! there's no move to be made by you - it's in her hands right now!

 

that's my two cents,

-yes

[Arcana]

To be obsessed with a person to the point that you have no desire for anything else in your life implies that you are in love with the idea of love and you are just tring to fit her into the mould you created.

 

Nobody will ever fit that mould no matter how hard you try.

 

The mould is an illusion of your mind and the sooner you break it and start being realistic about love, people, relationships, desires of the mind the sooner you will begin a more balanced life with an open heart that will attract and appreciate the right person for you.

 

Right now you are drowning in the illusions of your mind, deep in self-absorption trying to control another human being by expecting them to eventually come round and succumb to how you percieve they should act with you, in order to make YOU happy by fulfilling YOUR illusion.

 

What about their happiness? What they want?

 

You have to change your way of thinking, your desires, your expectations and have respect for other peoples desires and wishes too.

 

Only then will you understand.

 

Good luck, you have a difficult path ahead of you. But I guarantee you will make it if you make the effort.

 

The hardest step is realization and then the desire to make the effort.

[midori]

Dear Sensei

 

It sounds to me like this woman is not interested in you romantically. She thought she was at first, but as things went on she seems to have concluded that she doesn't want a relationship with you. Unfortunately she's not able to be upfront with you about it.

 

Some women really do believe that Valentine's Day is a big deal. So since she doesn't seem to have a sweetheart at the moment, she was pleased to see you on V-Day, as you could make her feel special and romantic, like she's "supposed" to feel on that day. I think the words she had for you two days later are what you ought to pay attention to. You don't feel overwhelmed and indebted when someone gives you flowers unless you feel guilty because you know that they like you a lot more than you like them.

 

I'm not saying that she's using you. She's probably trying to do the right thing by you. She may well be not 100% convinced that she DOESN'T want a relationship with you ... but it sounds to me like that's only because she's unhappily single at the moment and thinks it would be nice if she could manage to have romantic feelings for you. Don't take this as a sign of hope, I really don't think there is anything to hope for.

 

So I guess I'm saying that while it's not her intention to use you, her failure to admit (to you, to herself) that it's never gonna happen between the two of you amounts to the almost the same thing as if she'd set out to take advantage of you. I think she feels guilty, I think she wants to alleviate that by "being there for you" in moments of crisis. But the fact that you haven't heard from her beyond that says a lot.

 

 

The gift and the letter probably just made it all the more clear to her that your feelings are a whole lot stronger than hers. She's probably trying to wean you off the idea of being with her. She's not going to come out and say, "look, I'm sorry but we can only be friends." She's probably in general a nice person and doesn't want to hurt you.

 

That's my take on the situation.

 

gambatte on your exams.

 

-midori

[sensei]

thanks for the helpful lnsight arcana and midori,i will keep it in mind.reality bites,arrgg.

 

but i do want to give it one last shot and i honestly feel that i have a chance at it.the other day,she beeped me and told me that she'll be in my area and asked where i am and what i'm doing.i know the importance of playing hard to get and not being too enthusiastic in this situation so i politely told her that i'm studying at the moment.i have a gut feel that she wants to talk but i followed tony's advice and played it cool.

 

i know i did the right thing but i honestly don't know what to do next without appearing wanting and desperate.

 

i promise that this will be my last move.if nothing happens,then i'll move on.

 

please help me make my last stand have a legitimate chance at winning her love back.she's worth it my friend,please help me make this episode of my life worthy of remembering.

 

"in all great attempts,it is glorious even to fail."..,please help me make it count..

[midori]

but like I said earlier, I don't think this woman has romantic feelings for you, so if you're asking me, it's not a matter of winning her love "back." You never had her love. I know, it sucks. But that's how I'm reading the situation, so my advice to you has to be to forget this altogether.

 

Whatever you do, good luck.

[Tony T]

Relationships can't be "fixed" like damaged cars. As a matter of fact, more often that not if the damage inflicted is severe enough there is no hope whatsoever...especially if the affected party is sane.

 

In your case, you were dealing with a very intelligent woman whose job is very demanding and who also is nice enough not to neglect her friends in favor of a relationship that may or may not be permanent. Just by your description, she is the dream woman of any level-headed man. This kind of woman will tell any man who tries to control her to kiss off. She has enough self esteem and enough smarts to know that she doesn't want to go through her life being controlled by some jealous jerk. She knows that somebody who really loves and cares for her will give her the space to be herself.

 

She's also smart enough to know that it's really hard for jealous people to change overnight.

 

So, to your strategy. I think you need to do exactly as she has suggested and be her friend. Over a long period of time, you may show her through your actions and by giving her more than ample space that you have changed and perhaps she got the wrong impression of you.

 

But learn here and now, that any woman worth having as a partner...any women who thinks anything of herself....any woman who has her wits about her...any woman who has self respect....is going to tell suggest a male take a long walk off a short pier if he "demands" that she come home early when she's with her friends. Who the hell would a guy like that think he is???

 

I think this lady is great and certainly worth having for a friend. You don't find sane ones like her on every corner. If in the future she gets to feeling comfortable with you again, you'll be very lucky to have her. But, for God's sake, she's has a very demanding career and she's been through many years of grueling studies and residency. She doesn't need some guy coming into her life at this point and giving her more curriculum.

 

Now...go and change thy ways permanently!!!

[sensei]

thanks midori and tony,it's tough handling the truth but i'm man enough to face it.you're both right,my priority right now should be to better myself and make myself worthy of being truly loved.rest assured,i'll study very well for the upcoming board and i'll pass it this time.

 

you'll hear from me soon my friends and hopefully i'll be a bearer of good news.tough times never lasts but tough people do- thanks for the time spent with me in this ordeal.

 

god bless!