Married Young, Feeling Stuck & Want Out

[Sfbaygirl415]

(warning, this is a long post)I'm new to LS and have been reading some of these postings. It's helped me realize that I'm not alone in all this. There's so many other people who have sexless marriages or have issues with not feeling "in love". It's also helped me to understand what my husband goes through and helps me see his point of view. It doesn't make things any easier, and it doesn't help me feel any better, but at least I can get a better perspective by looking at both sides.

 

So here's my story.. I met my husband when I was 18. We dated for a few months, got engaged, and then found out I was pregnant. I guess you can say we were living on cloud 9 and living life carefree. When my parents found out I was prego, I was given two choices. I either had to marry him or move out of the house. Having no job, being in college, and not having anywhere to go, I caved in and got married. A few days before the wedding I tried getting out of it, I told my parents I couldn't do it. They lectured me and made me see why it was the "right" thing to do. We got married and soon after our son was born. After his birth, I really had no urge to be with my husband intimately. At first I blamed it on the pain I had after childbirth, but one excuse turned into another. After one year of marriage, I told my husband that getting married was a mistake. He pleaded me not to leave him and told me to try to work things out for our son's sake. I stayed in the marriage hoping things would get better. I started to think something was wrong with me. Why couldn't I be intimate with him? Everyone saw me as having everything.. a loving husband, a baby, etc.. so why couldn't I just be happy?

 

Our marriage went practically sex-less for years after my son was born. The one night that I was actually in the mood to have sex, I got pregnant. Our second son was born and I began to go through real bad postpartum depression. At first I blamed our marriage issues on the postpartum, but once things started to get better, the problems in our marriage still existed. Even though I was always miserable and had no intimate life with my husband, I was always faithful. I wouldn't even look at another man. Trust me, I had plenty of opportunities to be with other people.. guys would always try to hit on me and I would just get irritated.

 

Anyhow, so I continued to stay in the marriage, again.. hoping things would get better. We've now been married for a long sexless 12 years. Two years ago we separated, I just couldn't live a pretend life anymore. We separated for a year and 8 months into the separation I met a man who I thought was going to be "the one". It's a long story... but things went really bad with that relationship and I found out I was pregnant with his baby. To make that whole long story short, my husband was there for me every step of the way during the pregnancy and birth. He's legally the baby's dad and since then, we moved in back together to raise the baby together. I thought this would rekindle our relationship and again.. I was in denial and thought things would finally get better. Now I feel like I'm back to square one again.

 

I feel horrible for not being able to give my husband what he needs. He tries to change and do things he thinks will make me happy.. he always compliments me and tells me he loves me. So why can't I feel the same way for him!? I know it upsets him when he shows and tells me he loves me because I can't seem to respond the way he'd like me to. He was very upset when he knew I was dating when we were separated. It angered him to know that I could be intimate with someone else but not with him. I felt horrible about it and it almost makes me feel like I'm less of a woman because I can't give him what he needs. I love him dearly.. but I'm not in love with him. (I've seen many guys post things saying that their wives say they're not "in love" with them anymore.. maybe this will help them see the other point of you..). These problems didn't happen overnight.. they've been existent since we first got married. I love him and think he deserves someone who's going to respond to him and give him the love he deserves.

 

I'm not sure if my intimacy issues with him stem from the fact that we got married so young and he went from having a mom to having a wife who became his mom. One of the biggest issues in our marriage is the fact that I feel more like his mother vs his wife. We've been seeing a counselor and I've been seeing a counselor separately on my own. Things haven't improved and I don't know that they ever will. I feel so stuck.. I'm miserable in this marriage and keep thinking that I'd be better off on my own, that way he'd be free to find happiness elsewhere even tho he doesn't want to. A part of me misses the life I had when we were separated the first time. We're separated again now, but we're still living together. It makes things very complicated. I don't know what to do. He still wants to act like we're a couple and gets upset if I don't respond to his kisses or hugs. I almost respond back out of obligation and that makes me feel horrible. If it were my son, I'd want him to be with someone who loves him and has no doubts in her mind that they belong together. I wouldn't want my sons to be in a situation like mine where they feel stuck and unhappy. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

My therapist says that the reason why I can't be intimate with my husband is because I'm more of his mother.. and people aren't intimate with their parents so that's causing a huge barrier in our relationship. Honestly, even if things changed and we both improved, I'm not sure that I would be into him the way he's into me. There's so many things in life that we can improve on within ourselves to become better people.. but you can't force something to be that's not there to begin with.

 

Anyhow.. I'm here to hear suggestions and thoughts from you about my situation. I'm sure there's many of you out there than can relate to my story. I'm not here to be judged or yelled at about why I should be happy with what I got. Thanks for listening..

[quankanne]

you'd mentioned having bad post-partum depression – did you ever get the medical help you needed to get your blood chemistry back in line? (I know this is not directly related to the problem you posted, but you need to make sure you're healthy in every sense of the word, too!)

 

if you've tried counselling and it hasn't helped, maybe it IS time to call it a day and pursue a divorce. Because unless you've had a complete change of feeling, you really don't need to be married to this guy. You're going to have to figure out how to move to the next level, especially with children ... but it can be done.

[jmargel]

Then why exactly are you still living with him? You are not happy, he is not happy in feeling the way he is (trust me, you are not doing him a favor by staying with him).

 

It's time to move on. The chances of you getting pregnant the way you did are extremely rare. You must be very fertile, and I would suggest getting your tubes tied? You haven't had much luck in that department.

 

You were forced into this marriage from the begining. Anytime someone is forced to do something they will resist. You were forced into it by your parents and continued to be forced into it by your husband. You are your own person and it's time you start making your own decisions. You have at most another 50-60 years left in your life and you need to make the most of it. Like what Dr. Phil would say.. What is worse then spending 12 years in a unhappy marriage? 12 years and one day.

 

Though it will hurt your husband alot that you have finally moved on, he will eventually find someone to truly love him. That is no way to live life the way he is either. Not sure how much influence your parents still have on you but you need to break away from that. Continue couseling and start making short term goals for yourself.

[Sfbaygirl415]

That's a good question.. why am I still with him then? I'm not sure. I think a part of me is afraid of being alone, another part of me feels like I owe it to him to keep trying, and another part of me is afraid at how my family will treat me after. I come from a very traditional family where divorce is highly frowned upon. My therapist made a really good point the other day. She said that I need to stop making my decisions based on what I think others want me to do. It's a hard thing to do when you come from a family like mine. But you're right.. there comes a point where I also need to put myself and my happiness first. My children deserve a happy mother and my husband deserves to be happy.

 

In regards to the postpartum. Yes, I did receive help but years after. I'm now on anti-depressants and still struggle with various things in my life such as my marriage and work.

 

Again.. thanks for listening everyone. It means a great deal to me.

[quankanne]

sorry to hear that you're still struggling, but very encouraging to know that you've been advised about meds. I know they've made a huge difference in my life ... gotta love them anti-dpressants

 

something J says strikes a chord: something I learned when researching anullments through the Catholic Church on behalf of my husband is that a person has grounds for a case for anullment if he or she was forced into marrying for whatever reason. Including doing the "right" thing by marrying so the child would be from a legitimate union. Apparently, the Church says that marriage can *only* be sacramental ( big thing with the Church) if both parties enter freely. And in your case, you were forced to marry because of extenuating circumstancies (i.e., your pregnancy). And that's not a good basis for a healthy marriage because at some point, questions will arise. Is he/she only with me because of the pregnancy? Did I really want this marriage, or did I feel I had to accept it?

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even the Catholic Church, that bastion of propriety and defender of marriage, says that it's not a valid union when a couple is forced to marry. For whatever reason ...

 

maybe this is what your gut is trying to tell you. That even though you did the "right" thing for all involved, deep down, you knew it wasn't so right because it wasn't a choice freely made. And that you need to rectify that action before it rips you up even further.

 

even though your family frowns on divorce, don't let that trap you in a marriage you're nto meant to be in. Because in the long run, your children will be affected by that decision to stay against your will and seeing you and their daddy unhappy than if you were to divorce ...

[Ladyjane14]

I'm going to be blunt with you. In all candor, the one I REALLY feel sorry for, based on your post is your husband.

 

You've described feeling pressured into your marriage at 18 years of age, but if you're willing to be honest about it... unless there was a shotgun involved, nobody could've MADE you do anything you were unwilling to do. Even so, it's more than 12 years down the pike, and unless I'm miscalculating you're somewhere in the neighborhood of 30-31 years old.... and STILL not at the helm of your own life.

 

Sure young people make mistakes. I was young once. Made some spectacularly florid ones too.

But there comes a point at which you're a grown-up, and you no longer rely on other people to make your choices for you. Soooo... here you are. You've been making grown-up choices for years now, and still not OWNING them.

 

Love is choice in alot of ways. It's not something that just falls into your lap. THAT would be attraction or infatuation. Real, long-lasting love cannot be maintained unless it's fed continuously. Just like a flower in your garden, if left without watering, it withers and dies.

 

Your husband's inner mantra is likely something like,"I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my family, I love my family".

 

But what is yours?

I'm guessing it's something like, "I don't love my husband. I don't love my husband. I'm trapped. I'm trapped."

 

Really, you've got two choices...

One... you get on your big-girl britches and you take some personal responsibility for YOUR choices and how YOUR life ultimately turns out. IOW, you get into the driver's seat of YOUR life and DRIVE.

 

At that point your sub-choices will be to either stay or go. It IS possible to heal a marriage and rediscover love within it. It's equally possible to move on with your life and find contentment in being single. People do one or the other every day.

 

Two... you keep enjoying the status quo.

[Sfbaygirl415]

Hi LadyJane..

 

I really appreciate your input. You're absolutely right, I need to own my decisions and stop letting others decide for me. Just to give you a little more background information, I do come from a very strict family and being raised that way, I have a constant fear of being disowned or cut out of the family if I do what I think is best in regards to my marriage. I've been doing a lot of thinking these past couple of weeks and I feel that I love my husband enough to let him go and wish him happiness. As much as it pains me to even think about him being with someone else, I know he deserves someone who's going to return the love and attention he needs.

 

Just last night I had this whole conversation with him.. it was almost a reality check. I asked him why he would want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about him. His answer was simple.. he said he loves me. I told him I love him but that I want him to be happy and said that we really need to separate more officially again (meaning living in separate households). Of course.. he got very upset.. So I stood up for the decision I want.. then why do I feel so horrible? I feel like such a bad person because I know he's hurting. Granted.. I'm hurting too.. but I can only imagine the pain he must feel from the rejection.

 

So yes.. no one put a gun to my head to marry him.. but being 18 and pregnant and having strict parents yelling the "rules and regulations" down my throat, I felt I had no other choice. I think at this point that's besides the point.. things are what they are now.. and I just need to figure out a way to move forward. I know it won't be easy.. I know it's easier to stay in a "comfortable" marriage even though I won't be fully happy. It's always easier said than done to let go.. but I know it needs to be done. I'm going to gather up all the courage inside me and hope for the best.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Ladyjane14]

As much as it pains me to even think about him being with someone else....

 

Why should it "pain" you for him to be with someone else?

 

You know, we've only got these couple of little posts to go by... but I have the feeling that your biggest problem ISN'T that you don't love your husband. I think there's a possibility you're mostly just feeling "trapped" by your life.

 

What if I told you that it's entirely possible to keep what you have, and still release yourself from the trap? What if I told you that "the trap" is most often one's own hypnosis?

 

You know, SF... "wherever you go, there you are".

Last time you got out, you repeated your pattern almost immediately, trapping yourself with an unplanned pregnancy, putting yourself into a dependent position again.

[beckaboo]

hey baygirl,

i just wanted to say that i completely understand what you are going thru. my story is just like yours.

 

i got pregnant at 16. my parents basically gave me some choices. they were to get an abortion, give the baby up for adoption, get married, or get out. my parents were very wealthy and my childs father was definently not. both of us were 16. i chose to leave. when i left, i went to stay with him and he was very abusive. he was verbally abusive and physically as well. i stayed there until i was 18 and graduated from high school. once i graduated, i moved out and got my own place and my own car.

 

i was doing well on my own. i was working, taking care of my son and everything. i met my husband while i was working at krystals. he was nice to me and my son. he was cool. we used to get high together and drink and have parties. i was living the fun life. after 3weeks of straight up fun, he moved in with me and i started going down from there.

 

my parents found out that we were living together, so at about 9months of dating, i told him to marry me or get out. he said he would marry me, so the next week, we jumped the broom. it was either that, get rid of my drugs, or hear mom and dad naggg all day. so i did what suited me.

 

8 years later, we are still married. we have no children together. i have been clean for about a year and he has been clean for about 1month (literally). now i am starting to see the real him. he is starting to see the real me. we are realizing that we dont really like each other very much. our high has come down and now our eyes are open. only thing is, he says he does want this relationship to work, while im saying no.

 

no because im tired. i feel as though this marraige has caused me to lose sooo much. i dont talk to my family anymore. its been like a year. we have been put out of apartments so many times...6times. for the other times, we were staying with people. we have to live in rough neighborhoods, wear dirty clothes, be hungry, and our credit is shottt. my son is suffering as well. im at the point of giving up and starting over where i left off 8years ago. i was doing very well.

 

i know that we created this mess and we should work together to clean it up, but on the other hand, im not in love with this man. at all. i want to let him go, but im afraid he will sink back into his drugged state and worse. im afraid he will not be able to make it. we suffer finacially really bad and now instead of smoking and getting high, he has chose to work ALL the time. i mean ALL day. thats good on one hand, but he brings home NO money. we are bout to get put out, so i had to beg him to ask the guy he is working for to pay him so we can pay the rent. thats crazy to me cause he works ALL day EVERY day 24/7...literally. there is NO affection. never has been. we go months without sex and its starting to kill me. my hormones are ragin and he is sleeping......

 

so, i understand you. i feel like everyone else, that you should let him go so he can be happy.

[stillafool]

It sounds like you never were "in love" with your husband. You said you thought the other guy was "the one". Did you enjoy having sex with him? Were you in love with him? Are you still in love with him?