A Confession and Question(s)

[bluejeanbebe]

OK, yes I am the OW. Ladies, please for the moment, put the knives and/or claws back in the drawer. Believe me, I know. I never had any intentions like this and thought I was the last person on earth to be the 'OW', and as time progressed, this just happened. I'm sure many other OW might agree. I've been reading the OW forums, and it makes me feel so terrible. But when I'm with him, the air smells sweeter, the sun brighter, and life is just wonderful. It's almost like he has 2 lives, his life at home and his life with me. But we both know we can't do this forever. What started out as an emotional affair, over several months, has fallen into the physical. We are very much in love and desire the same things with each other, ie, marriage, children, a life together, etc. But I'm not going to kid myself. He's sorting out the best way to leave her (yes kids are involved, so obviously it's not like flipping a switch), but he hasn't done it yet. So I have to prepare for either outcomes, him deciding to not leave her (which I woulnd't stick around after that) and him actually leaving her for me. He wants a life with me- he's now trying to figure out how to do it. I'm trying to be patient.

 

I pretty much know what it would be like if he coulnd't leave her, things would end, I/we would be heartbroken, eventually life would go on, etc. But what I wondering is what if he is able to leave her... what would that be like? I have so many questions, and no one to ask, so that is why I am here. Ladies, help. I would like to hear from some former OW, where their MM left their spouses, and they were able to be together. What am I to expect to happen?

 

Lots of things I'm thinking..... my state has 'alienation of affection', should I be concerned? I don't think I'm 'worth suing', because I really don't have any assets, but I don't know. I don't know and he doesn't know what her reaction will be when DDay comes. He's trying to figure out whether he should tell her about me at all when he ends things, to make the seperation, divorce and preparation for a life with me smoother. I'm wondering if us 'cohabitating' until the divorce is final will be a problem as far as the divorce settlement/proceeding is concerned (tho it hasn't been decided that he will move directly in with me, he has other family/friends he can stay with until then). He's thinking about seeing a divorce attorney soon, to just ask questions and collect information.

 

Of course I'm thinking about much more than the legality of the situation, it's just what's popping up in my mind at the moment. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks so much.

[woe_is_me]

Ladies, help. I would like to hear from some former OW, where their MM left their spouses, and they were able to be together. What am I to expect to happen?

 

You won't be hearing from many of those ladies because i don't think there are many.

 

Good Luck with your situation - sounds difficult..and complicated ..like it probably would be if he left his W (which he probably won't).

[bluejeanbebe]

thanx woe, ~praying~ for a miracle, trying to ~prepare~ for reality. Here's to hoping!

[whichwayisup]

Do a site search on ratingsguy and oyster. Oyster's situation has a newer update, so if you look in this section, you'll find his story. You might find some insight on their threads. (BTW, they're both OM who had affairs with MW)

 

Even if he leaves his wife, you're going to have to accept that she will always BE a part of his life in some way.

 

Anyway, until he decides what he wants to do, think about going NC (no contact) for your own sake. It also gives him the space to figure things out and handle things his own way without having to worry about what you think and feel.

[tinke]

wow! well if you know it is wrong, why pursue it? things like this do not just happen...they are allowed to happen. YOU are preparing for the worst? think of his wife and children. i must ask you, .....what makes you believe YOU are so special that he wouldn't tire of you eventually? wouldn't destroy your world?

 

it would be different if he had already separated from his wife when he met you, then you would know he already had intentions on leaving. this speaks volumes of his character and sense of commitment (or lack of).

[IWALH]

We are very much in love and desire the same things with each other, ie, marriage, children, a life together, etc. But I'm not going to kid myself. He's sorting out the best way to leave her (yes kids are involved, so obviously it's not like flipping a switch), but he hasn't done it yet.

 

Oh honey, I truly feel for you. Seriously.... I empathize.

 

He's lying to you. He laid the ground work for the PA by having an EA with you for several months.

 

You are dealing with the absolute worst kind of MM. You have the kind I had. Mine said all the same things yours is saying.... marriage, children, a life together. It's just a bunch of bullsh*t.

 

The only thing I can say is stop all contact with him NOW. He is lying to you. He will never leave his marriage. Just PLEASE stop now.

 

I know you won't stop. I know you will eventually want to, but you won't. I know because I've been there. And I am so sorry you are there now.

[whichwayisup]

But what I wondering is what if he is able to leave her... what would that be like?

 

-Be prepared to deal with his ex-wife forever as she will always be a part of your lives because of the children they share.

 

Problem about him leaving his wife and kids for you and then jumping into a settled life WITH you is - He doesn't have ANY TIME to grieve the breakup of his own family and end of his marriage. People need time between relationships to heal, deal with stuff before being ready to get into another relationship.

 

Fact that he could leave his wife and children for you - What makes you think he won't cheat on you and leave you? Obviously his vows, and creating a family with his wife wasn't enough to keep him glued and faithful........

 

Ask yourself this. Could you ever fully trust him? Some say if a man will cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you.

 

Not too sure how old you are, and how long you've been in this affair, but just be aware that many OW have been where you've been so do alot of reading. Understand what you're up against and please, KEEP your eyes open. Detach abit, take a step back and see your situation from different angles.

[tinke]

well said, whichwayisup.

 

think of this...how would you feel if you believed you were in a secure relationship with him, and all of a sudden someone new comes along...gets him interested. (sound familiar?) from past history, do you believe he would be faithful? could you trust him?

 

do you really believe your bond is different, better? remember he married this woman and created a family....he wasn't faithful to her or to his commitment.

 

can i ask.....what are you feeling? i mean in regards to knowing you are part of his disrupted marriage. he may grow to resent you if he does leave her. honestly, i would like to know your feelings. i ask because i have seen firsthand the devastation this causes in a marriage. you now know he is married and have decided to continue with the pursuit...what will you actually gain? is he really "the prize"?

[bluejeanbebe]

Ladies, you are preaching to the choir. All the things you have mentioned to be wary of are already my fears; the possible mistrust, the resentment, etc. Bringing them up again is not helping. He and I have already discussed these and many others at length. He ~is~ a good person and is beyond eaten up with guilt with this, but cannot deny his feelings for me.

 

I've heard over and over, 'once a cheater, always a cheater' and 'if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you'. Very good sayings, I would say, but dosen't necessarily pertain to everyone and every situation. Just because ~you~ were wronged in your situation, doesn't necessarily gurantee that I will be too. Considering what we've being going thru, I would say we've both learned our lesson and would ~never~ consider an A again. He's learned what it's like to try to 'maintain' 2 women at once, and it's not something he would ever want to do again. I ~know~ there are success stories out there.

 

And please, if any BS or ex OW are responding, I already know what you are going to say and how you feel; I really only want to hear from OW that ended up with their MM. Thanks.

[Hurt & Alone]

Try reading Together Forever posts her A ended up in a positive note

[silktricks]

If he does leave his wife to be with you, there will be problems, almost certainly. Of course there are problems in any relationship, especially those which include children from a prior relationship.

 

It's almost guaranteed that his children will resent you, unless his present wife is a very unique person - always to be hoped for but rarely to be expected.

 

There is the grief he will experience over his change in life circumstances, but there is also the possibility that the two of you will not be as compatible as you presently feel you are.

 

Relationships are chancy under the best of circumstances. This has some additional issues. You may be able to work through them, but youdo need to face them clearly.

[KATANYA]

Perhaps you should take some control over this situation and stop waiting for him to make all the moves and decisions. If you really want him (and make sure you really do!) why not tell him that you want to take a break and let him handle his "personal business" with his wife, tell her he wants a divorce, get his own place, work out arrangements with her for visitation of his kids, etc. and when he does those things and has his affairs in order you will still be there. Seems to me if he is really serious about this then he owes it to himself and to you to spare you the messy, nasty fall-out. Let him be a man and do what he has to do without including you! You said he wondered if he should tell her about you and him???? What idiot would do that????? She will no doubt be devastated enough at the breakup but to give her the other woman's name is just like rubbing salt in the wound! Sounds like a great cop-out to me "honey I'm leaving you and she's the reason why!"

 

Everyone will probably say the same thing - he won't leave his wife and if he does, do you really want him because chances are he will do this to you as well. In the end, you do have some control and power over this situation - if you choose to be the OW then remember that is exactly what you are and you have no rights to expect more from your borrowed property! If he really is going to leave because the two of you found each other and are meant to be together for the rest of your lives then give him the space and her the respect to let them end this how they started it - with each other! By no means let him drag you into it, you don't want to be the cause of any resentment from him later when she uses that info. to make custody issues and property division an absolute nightmare! Then he has no wife, no family, no life as he knew it - just you!!!!! Is that going to be worth it to him?????

 

I hate to sound negative but MM will tell you he can't live without you and needs you there while he deals with these issues! You really need to protect yourself, tell him these are his problems and let him do what he has to do. Then be tough enough to give that space to him in order to see for yourself what he is really about! If he follows through and does what he says, maybe you have found a guy does really want to be with you. If he continues to live his life and just pleads with you to see him, sleep with him and "be there" for him while he "works this out" get ready for the long OW ride or get off the bus because it sounds like you want more than he's ready, willing or able to give!!!!

 

Good luck to you -

[IWALH]

Ladies, you are preaching to the choir. All the things you have mentioned to be wary of are already my fears; the possible mistrust, the resentment, etc. Bringing them up again is not helping. He and I have already discussed these and many others at length. He ~is~ a good person and is beyond eaten up with guilt with this, but cannot deny his feelings for me.

 

I've heard over and over, 'once a cheater, always a cheater' and 'if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you'. Very good sayings, I would say, but dosen't necessarily pertain to everyone and every situation. Just because ~you~ were wronged in your situation, doesn't necessarily gurantee that I will be too. Considering what we've being going thru, I would say we've both learned our lesson and would ~never~ consider an A again. He's learned what it's like to try to 'maintain' 2 women at once, and it's not something he would ever want to do again. I ~know~ there are success stories out there.

 

And please, if any BS or ex OW are responding, I already know what you are going to say and how you feel; I really only want to hear from OW that ended up with their MM. Thanks.

 

Sure, I might be an exOW, but that should be HELPFUL to you, because I have been there. I am just saying, my xMM said ALL THE SAME THINGS yours is saying to you now. I gave him the benefit of a doubt and was very foolish to do that. You sound just as deluded as I was. You are trying to justify him and what he does. You are trying to prove that your situation is different and I am here to tell you -point blank- it's not. I wish I would have listened to the advice of people on these boards rather than let it go in one ear and out the other.

 

He makes himself LOOK like a good person. JUST LIKE MINE DID. Does a good person cheat on the woman he made vows to? Does a good person lie to her and sneak around behind their back? Does a good person put the OW in the disgusting position of having to BE the other woman? NO!!! Unless he owns up to this, tells his wife now and LEAVES HER now, rather than stringing the both of you along then I'm sorry, but he is not a good person.

 

Keep trying to justify the whole situation. You are only going to end up hurting yourself in the end.

 

I'll check on you in a year. My guess is he will still be married unless his wife finds out about the affair and leaves HIM.

[justice]

You might not want to hear from me because I'm a bs, but please try to listen anyway. My ex husband lied and cheated on me for several months, even after dday came, he was still seeing the ow and lying through his teeth about it. I knew better, as all wives do when there is a situation such as this. When it came right down to leaving me, he backed out, by then I already had a restraining order against the ow and when he told her it was over that he had chosen to be with me and work on our marriage, she went ballistic, he then had to go and get a restraining order of his own against her to make her stop stalking him at work, on the way to and from work and to keep her away from our home and out of our lives. She paid no attention to the restraining order and as a result she ended up in jail for several weeks and was fined, plus I'm sure her husband found out and she lost everything she had. She is now somewhere out of the country, I believe I heard she went to Canada. That doesn't matter though, my husband could never be trusted again so I eventually ended up divorcing him. Moral of my story? Three people's lives ended up broken and almost destroyed, I know his is now and I'm certain hers is also, mine, well, I'm recovering, it's been a slow process for me but I'm regaining the ground and confidence I lost. My ex is now begging for me to take him back, but I won't live with that kind of doubt ever again, so he remains to this day, single and regretting what he and her caused.

So think about this, when he was confronted on D day, he chose to throw her on my mercy, at which point I had absolutely none. Then he threw her completely under the bus and pressed stalking and harrassment charges against her as well as my additional charges to boot. Do you honestly think you could handle being the cause of their breakup? I know you will say you aren't the cause, but deep down in your heart of hearts, you know if you would leave them alone to make their own decisions there is a doubt that he will chose her instead of you. And then if he does chose you, you are going to have to deal with him resenting you at a later point when he discovers that he has made a mistake by leaving his family. And it will happen, I just hope you are prepared.

[RealityCheck]

OK, yes I am the OW. Ladies, please for the moment, put the knives and/or claws back in the drawer. Believe me, I know. I never had any intentions like this and thought I was the last person on earth to be the 'OW', and as time progressed, this just happened. I'm sure many other OW might agree. I've been reading the OW forums, and it makes me feel so terrible. But when I'm with him, the air smells sweeter, the sun brighter, and life is just wonderful. It's almost like he has 2 lives, his life at home and his life with me. But we both know we can't do this forever. What started out as an emotional affair, over several months, has fallen into the physical. We are very much in love and desire the same things with each other, ie, marriage, children, a life together, etc. But I'm not going to kid myself. He's sorting out the best way to leave her (yes kids are involved, so obviously it's not like flipping a switch), but he hasn't done it yet. So I have to prepare for either outcomes, him deciding to not leave her (which I woulnd't stick around after that) and him actually leaving her for me. He wants a life with me- he's now trying to figure out how to do it. I'm trying to be patient.

 

I pretty much know what it would be like if he coulnd't leave her, things would end, I/we would be heartbroken, eventually life would go on, etc. But what I wondering is what if he is able to leave her... what would that be like? I have so many questions, and no one to ask, so that is why I am here. Ladies, help. I would like to hear from some former OW, where their MM left their spouses, and they were able to be together. What am I to expect to happen?

 

Lots of things I'm thinking..... my state has 'alienation of affection', should I be concerned? I don't think I'm 'worth suing', because I really don't have any assets, but I don't know. I don't know and he doesn't know what her reaction will be when DDay comes. He's trying to figure out whether he should tell her about me at all when he ends things, to make the seperation, divorce and preparation for a life with me smoother. I'm wondering if us 'cohabitating' until the divorce is final will be a problem as far as the divorce settlement/proceeding is concerned (tho it hasn't been decided that he will move directly in with me, he has other family/friends he can stay with until then). He's thinking about seeing a divorce attorney soon, to just ask questions and collect information.

 

Of course I'm thinking about much more than the legality of the situation, it's just what's popping up in my mind at the moment. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks so much.

 

Bottom line....should he stay or go, venturing into an Affair and in the after math, you will be in for an emotional ride of your life! Know that!

You will carry not only your thoughts, but his emotional motions of Divorce because you will be living it!

 

My opinion. Let him set up house in a separate dwelling. Divorce is hard no matter who does the leaving. It is emotional baggage that needs to be sorted with that individual and not to be put on the shoulders of another.

 

His Divorce is not your stuff! It's his!

[whichwayisup]

People are trying to help you, so just keep an open mind. And yes, what I said and afew others have said you already know and have stated you don't want to hear that type of advice. Atleast the effort is being made to help you...WHen you post on LS, you're going to get all kinds of advice...

[tinke]

sure..you want to hear what you want to hear. but reality is....there are more people involved in this relationship than just you and him. it's hard to sugar-coat what it really is!

 

it seems he has some sorting to do before considering another relationship.

 

do you want to be in the middle of that?

[bluejeanbebe]

yes I do- and you're right- there are more than 2 in this relationship- but it does include me too. I love him and want to be there for him. If you love someone, how can you not be there for them when they are going thru potentially the ~lowest~ part of their life? True love is ~self-less~.

 

He has offered NC if I wanted it, until he could finalize everything, really as a gesture, when I accused him of wanting to keep both of us, but said that that's not what he wanted, but would agree if that was what I wanted. Of course I declined. I can't stand the thought of being away from him.

[tinke]

are you fearful if you were not steadily in the picture that he may have second thoughts and attempt to reconcile his marriage?

 

as for being with someone at their lowest point in life...i guess for me, i wouild have to step back and intentionally give him much space to think things out and carry out his plan...and be accepting of whatever he would decide in this. no, i do not see me feeling (other than if i were insecure about this) that it was my place to stay in the middle of things. i would give him much freedom to do whatever he needs to, even if it meant trying to make his marriage work.

[Hurt & Alone]

Honestly, spend some time reading over the OM/OW forum, many others have heard the same lines but only when push comes to shove will be the true defining moment to your question be answered. Just prepare yourself for the emothional breakdown that this can cause if he chooses to stay with W and kids.

I learned the hard way that men have a light swith that triggers thier emotions it can be turned on or off at any given moment, if they choose to turn it off then thats it no matter how much they said or meant all the loving woderful things in the past. Those words will be gone. Men supposidly make descions based upon logic and not emotion.

[tinke]

perfect description!! i know firsthand!! quite honestly, i even had someone tell me this.."i can make myself turn off".

[GreenEyedLady]

I pretty much know what it would be like if he coulnd't leave her, things would end, I/we would be heartbroken, eventually life would go on, etc. But what I wondering is what if he is able to leave her... what would that be like? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks so much.

 

Enough of the doom and gloom already...

 

Do you love him? Do you love him enough to have the whole world against you for awhile but be with him?

 

Because if you are, you're putting the cart before the horse (or is that the other way around)...What will happen, will happen...Lots of different outcomes (no matter what people say around here, go to surviving infidelity, they had a thread about A's that turned into M's etc. recently)...

 

The only outcome that really matters is YOURS...So decide if he's worth the trouble...and if he is, and you choose to, be patient...

 

GEL

[sadbuttrue]

blue, welcome to the site it really isnt somewhere any of us would like to be i think.

 

i am an OW, but i am doubtful i will ever end up with MM. we have been together for about a year now. he has never promised me anything. he plans to stay with his W no matter what. yours is at least "saying" he wants to leave for you. no matter what everyone else may say, i think that is a positive (if such a thing exists in such situations).

 

i say good luck, just be prepared to wait, maybe longer than you expect. these things take a lot of time, going back and forth. i wouldnt pressure him on anything right now though. he has made a few steps in your direction.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

True love is ~self-less~.

Selfless! Been there dun that! selfless is about ONE person not two. Selfless is deciding for YOURSELF that YOU deserve less. If you choose to be SELFLESS then remember it was your decision and NO complaints that you were used or taken advantage of. SELFLESS is a personal choice which has NOTHING to do with love, especially SELF love. Don't ever expect someone to think more of you than you think of yourself. SELFLESS is always a personal choice. No complaints from here on out if that is all you want for YOUR SELF.

[PoshPrincess]

You won't be hearing from many of those ladies because i don't think there are many.

 

BJB, there ARE a few on this site, TogetherForever and GEL are just two that I know of. And there's also a MM who posts on this site who left his W for his OW several years ago and seems very happy (sorry, can't remember his name), so it DOES happen. I think the reason you won't find too many is because they are happy, so haven't felt the need to look on here for help.

 

It seems that you ARE aware of the pitfalls of seeing a MM. I can't give anything in the way of legal advice unfortunately, but you know that you have to be prepared for your MM not coming through for you. I sincerely hope things work out the way you want.

 

I know you are being told all the usual, "If he's cheated on her then he will cheat on you!" Yes, of course that's a possibility, but you love this man and you should take a chance on him if that's what will make you happy. Always better to regret something you have done than something you haven't done! Remember that some people marry young and change - they are with the wrong person. Then (even though it's not morally right) they find someone who they truly believe will make them happy. It IS possible and you won't know until you try.

 

Best of luck x