Open To Receive....Bring it on!!

[Cobra_X30]

Appears to me you're a pot calling the kettle black...

 

Before I answer that, what is your experience as either a betrayed spouse, an OM or a cheater? It helps to understand the direction of your spin.

 

Perhaps I am. Doesnt make the point any less valid for you.

 

None of the above. In 96' my parents split due to a 2yr affair my mother indulged in. Yes, I lost my family... Yes, I am still angry... Yes, I may never forgive.

 

Collateral damage thats my spin.

[Touche]

You seem to think that an analogy is required to grasp the concept at hand. Well... I dont think it is.

 

Who should you really be mad at. The woman your Husband is using and lieing too? Yourself for believing his lies?

 

Please don't assume. I've never in my life been cheated on. Nor have I ever been with a married man when I was single (though I turned down a few.)

 

And yes, I do feel that an analogy is required in order for the seriousness of this to be grasped. I really do. But you're entitled to think otherwise, of course.

 

I'm not "mad" at anyone. Just trying to get some to see another point of view.

[Cobra_X30]

Betrayed spouses don't put themselves into the situation. They are forced into the situation, without consent or knowledge. A completely different scenario.

 

That depends on your point of view, however still both victims.

[Trialbyfire]

Perhaps I am. Doesnt make the point any less valid for you.

 

None of the above. In 96' my parents split due to a 2yr affair my mother indulged in. Yes, I lost my family... Yes, I am still angry... Yes, I may never forgive.

 

Collateral damage thats my spin.

So the only reason you're discussing this thread with me is because you don't like my approach? There's a thread looking for new moderators on LS. Take a look at it if you have a chance to. Until then, my approach remains.

 

Ah, one who has experienced the collateral damage but wasn't directly involved, like the betrayed spouse, which I was. I don't consider myself a betrayed spouse anymore because it's over and I've forgiven my ex. As an ex-betrayed spouse, I do have a vested interest in encouraging people, in my own fashion, one not dictated by other members, that it's not okay to be an OW/OM. It leads to harmful pain from every perspective.

[Cobra_X30]

Please don't assume. I've never in my life been cheated on. Nor have I ever been with a married man when I was single (though I turned down a few.)

 

And yes, I do feel that an analogy is required in order for the seriousness of this to be grasped. I really do. But you're entitled to think otherwise, of course.

 

I'm not "mad" at anyone. Just trying to get some to see another point of view.

 

I was not assuming... I was speaking in general terms. Apology for using You and Yours... my bad.

 

Hmmm... I think Analogies are best used to help someone grasp a complicated subject. Distills it into an easier to understand format. However, your point on this is valid, analogies can be used in that way also.

 

I think we all grasp the seriousness of the action in question, though I could be wrong.

[Trialbyfire]

That depends on your point of view, however still both victims.

That would be inaccurate. You cannot say that an OW/OM who knowingly go or remain in an affair, is a victim. It's called taking responsibility for your actions as a functioning adult. If you can control your ability to have compassion for a charity, you can control your ability to cause collateral damage.

[Tomcat33]

OM/OW are people who have a me-first mentality. "I'm in love with this man/woman and that's all that matters. This is between the two of us, whatever the consequences." If you believe that regular people will indulge in being a third wheel in an affair situation, then you would be correct in your assessment that OM/OW are just like regular people. It's all in the spin, isn't it annabelle?

 

This doesn't include the ones that were fooled into getting involved in an affair, although the ones that stay in one are just as responsible.

 

 

Yeah well the BSs who abandons their marriage both emotionally, or physically or sexually or what have you ALSO had a "me first" attitude. If they can't commit to their vows then they are just as guility of killing off any chance at a good healthy marriage. Chances are that in some cases if they weren't "murdering" their marriages they'd still have a H who cared enough not to go dick around on them. Let's face it a LOT of men slip up like that because they feel all sorts of neglect at home and YES you DID have something to do with it, in some cases.

 

Let's take responsibility where responsibility is due, shall we ladies?

Otherwise your "good will" is no better than anyone else's.

 

And spare me YOUR particular cases (and I know there are a few exceptions out here of women you were with creeps who cheat for the sport of it) but on others stop on how no BS does ANYTHING critically wrong in their marriages to chase their men away, you know it happens and it takes 2 to tango so save it! There are a few cases where the men were just creeps but in many cases you BSs knew EXACTLY why it happened so stop with the victim act already it gets so tiresome.

[annabelle75]

That would be inaccurate. You cannot say that an OW/OM who knowingly go or remain in an affair, is a victim. It's called taking responsibility for your actions as a functioning adult. If you can control your ability to have compassion for a charity, you can control your ability to cause collateral damage.

 

Yes yes yes ...we get it. BS are innocent victims, OM/OW are selfish whores. It has been posted in the forum countless times before. We get it. No need to keep beating the dead horse.

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah well the BSs who abandons their marriage both emotionally, or physically or sexually or what have you ALSO had a "me first" attitude. If they can't commit to their vows then they are just as guility of killing off any chance at a good healthy marriage. Chances are that in some cases if they weren't "murdering" their marriages they'd still have a H who cared enough not to go dick around on them. Let's face it a LOT of men slip up like that because they feel all sorts of neglect at home and YES you DID have something to do with it, in some cases.

 

Let's take responsibility where responsibility is due, shall we ladies?

Otherwise your "good will" is no better than anyone else's.

 

And spare me YOUR particular cases (and I know there are a few exceptions out here of women you were with creeps who cheat for the sport of it) but on others stop on how no BS does ANYTHING critically wrong in their marriages to chase their men away, you know it happens and it takes 2 to tango so save it! There are a few cases where the men were just creeps but in many cases you BSs knew EXACTLY why it happened so stop with the victim act already it gets so tiresome.

Of course. You may want to believe that it's always the fault of the big bad betrayed spouse, since the known liar and cheater has told you so.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes yes yes ...we get it. BS are innocent victims, OM/OW are selfish whores. It has been posted in the forum countless times before. We get it. No need to keep beating the dead horse.

And yes, yes, yes, the OW/OM is just a fool for love and is just like everyone else and the betrayed spouse is a nasty person and a big blue meanie to the cheater. We get it. No need to keep beating the dead horse.

[Cobra_X30]

So the only reason you're discussing this thread with me is because you don't like my approach? There's a thread looking for new moderators on LS. Take a look at it if you have a chance to. Until then, my approach remains.

 

Ah, one who has experienced the collateral damage but wasn't directly involved, like the betrayed spouse, which I was. I don't consider myself a betrayed spouse anymore because it's over and I've forgiven my ex. As an ex-betrayed spouse, I do have a vested interest in encouraging people, in my own fashion, one not dictated by other members, that it's not okay to be an OW/OM. It leads to harmful pain from every perspective.

 

Yes, I think you need to be heard. I think your point and point of view are absolutely essential. I also think more people will listen if you put down your 2x4.

 

I see two distinct types of OW. The vast majority really just need to understand that they are getting played like a fiddle. Sadly I dont see anyone doing that.

 

Ever notice the 50 or so threads that go like. "I wonder what he says to his wife?" "I wonder what his home life is really like?" Hey, I dont think Im arguing with you so much as wanting you to see what I see. Take it or leave it.

[annabelle75]

And yes, yes, yes, the OW/OM is just a fool for love and is just like everyone else and the betrayed spouse is a nasty person and a big blue meanie to the cheater. We get it. No need to keep beating the dead horse.

 

When did I say that? You keep postin gthses responses that don't pertain to what I said.

 

And just to add and lend some support to what TC said ........ when my husband cheated on me I knew I did not deserve it and I will never hold myself responsible for his actions. But I do acknowledge my part in the dissolution of our marriage. I also acknowledge that he cheated becasue of the failing state of our marriage...meaning that the marriage did not fail because of his cheating. The cheating was just another sympton of the end which we both had a part in.

 

I will not blame the end of my marriage on some strange woman I never met. I hold no ill will towards her. My husband and I were the ones that couldn't make the marriage work. If I choose to blame anyone it would be him for breaking his promise to me.

[Tomcat33]

Of course. You may want to believe that it's always the fault of the big bad betrayed spouse, since the known liar and cheater has told you so.

 

 

It has NOTHING to do with my praticular case, I have seen admissions of women/men here who have the guts to admit they failed their marriages miserably at the time of the A, some people can admit that others really had NOTHING to do with it, and some are and always will be in denial.

 

It's like people who remain in a rel that is not doing well and they fully know what they are doing to contribute to the fall of said rel. and they remain in the exact same place by not doing anything to improve their contributions to that rel. THEN when the they get dumped they cry because the other person didn't give the rel. a chance. THEY DID GIVE IT A CHANCE, the person crying just thought they would be around forever.

 

In life if you snooze you loose, if you fall a sleep on your laurels at work don't think someone else is not waiting at the chance to get in on your role. THAT'S life.

 

A lot of people go into marriage with the attitude of I've hooked them, I am married now I don't have to try anymore. Well guess what? That's when you have to try even harder, because the minute you think you HAVE someone is the minute you decide to lose them. But of course the BS can not do any wrong at all!

[Trialbyfire]

When did I say that? You keep postin gthses responses that don't pertain to what I said.

 

And just to add and lend some support to what TC said ........ when my husband cheated on me I knew I did not deserve it and I will never hold myself responsible for his actions. But I do acknowledge my part in the dissolution of our marriage. I also acknowledge that he cheated becasue of the failing state of our marriage...meaning that the marriage did not fail because of his cheating. The cheating was just another sympton of the end which we both had a part in.

 

I will not blame the end of my marriage on some strange woman I never met. I hold no ill will towards her. My husband and I were the ones that couldn't make the marriage work. If I choose to blame anyone it would be him for breaking his promise to me.

Each person handles life a different way. Somehow I suspect your attitude has changed a bit since you entered into an affair, as do other OW/OM who previously were betrayed spouses.

[Trialbyfire]

It has NOTHING to do with my praticular case, I have seen admissions of women/men here who have the guts to admit they failed their marriages miserably at the time of the A, some people can admit that others really had NOTHING to do with it, and some are and always will be in denial.

 

It's like people who remain in a rel that is not doing well and they fully know what they are doing to contribute to the fall of said rel. and they remain in the exact same place by not doing anything to improve their contributions to that rel. THEN when the they get dumped they cry because the other person didn't give the rel. a chance. THEY DID GIVE IT A CHANCE, the person crying just thought they would be around forever.

 

In life if you snooze you loose, if you fall a sleep on your laurels at work don't think someone else is not waiting at the chance to get in on your role. THAT'S life.

 

A lot of people go into marriage with the attitude of I've hooked them, I am married now I don't have to try anymore. Well guess what? That's when you have to try even harder, because the minute you think you HAVE someone is the minute you decide to lose them. But of course the BS can not do any wrong at all!

Whether it's your personal case or not, the issue remains the same. The OW/OM believe what a known liar and cheater tells them. It's pretty simple.

[Cobra_X30]

Yeah well the BSs who abandons their marriage both emotionally, or physically or sexually or what have you ALSO had a "me first" attitude. If they can't commit to their vows then they are just as guility of killing off any chance at a good healthy marriage. Chances are that in some cases if they weren't "murdering" their marriages they'd still have a H who cared enough not to go dick around on them. Let's face it a LOT of men slip up like that because they feel all sorts of neglect at home and YES you DID have something to do with it, in some cases.

 

Let's take responsibility where responsibility is due, shall we ladies?

Otherwise your "good will" is no better than anyone else's.

 

And spare me YOUR particular cases (and I know there are a few exceptions out here of women you were with creeps who cheat for the sport of it) but on others stop on how no BS does ANYTHING critically wrong in their marriages to chase their men away, you know it happens and it takes 2 to tango so save it! There are a few cases where the men were just creeps but in many cases you BSs knew EXACTLY why it happened so stop with the victim act already it gets so tiresome.

 

ROFL, just a minute ago I kind of alluded to this. Now that I see you type it up Im gonna say I dont believe a word of it. Honest... I had something completely different in mind.

 

Feeling neglected at home?? Work on it... or get out. Thats what a decent person would do. Have to be a giant D-Bag to disagree with that.

[annabelle75]

Each person handles life a different way. Somehow I suspect your attitude has changed a bit since you entered into an affair, as do other OW/OM who previously were betrayed spouses.

 

I've actually always felt that way about it. I've always believed it takes two people to kill a marriage. And sometimes your only at fault because you chose the wrong person.

 

And if you were familiar with my story, I was not openly in an A. I dated a guy who lied to me. When I found out he was married I broke it off. In the aftermath I had to deal with alot of the same issues women here are dealing with. I recieved the brunt of his wife's anger and retaliation even though I was as much a victim as she was.

[Trialbyfire]

I've actually always felt that way about it. I've always believed it takes two people to kill a marriage. And sometimes your only at fault because you chose the wrong person.

 

And if you were familiar with my story, I was not openly in an A. I dated a guy who lied to me. When I found out he was married I broke it off. In the aftermath I had to deal with alot of the same issues women here are dealing with. I recieved the brunt of his wife's anger and retaliation even though I was as much a victim as she was.

In one of my previous posts, I dissassociated the unknowing OW/OM from the pack, unless they remained in the affair with no exit strategy and then finality.

[Cobra_X30]

It has NOTHING to do with my praticular case, I have seen admissions of women/men here who have the guts to admit they failed their marriages miserably at the time of the A, some people can admit that others really had NOTHING to do with it, and some are and always will be in denial.

 

It's like people who remain in a rel that is not doing well and they fully know what they are doing to contribute to the fall of said rel. and they remain in the exact same place by not doing anything to improve their contributions to that rel. THEN when the they get dumped they cry because the other person didn't give the rel. a chance. THEY DID GIVE IT A CHANCE, the person crying just thought they would be around forever.

 

In life if you snooze you loose, if you fall a sleep on your laurels at work don't think someone else is not waiting at the chance to get in on your role. THAT'S life.

 

A lot of people go into marriage with the attitude of I've hooked them, I am married now I don't have to try anymore. Well guess what? That's when you have to try even harder, because the minute you think you HAVE someone is the minute you decide to lose them. But of course the BS can not do any wrong at all!

 

If you keep saying that Im going to bust out with a horrible analogy!

[Tomcat33]

And yes, yes, yes, the OW/OM is just a fool for love and is just like everyone else and the betrayed spouse is a nasty person and a big blue meanie to the cheater. We get it. No need to keep beating the dead horse.

 

 

What comic book are you quoting your silly lines from? Because last I checked NO ONE here has said anything like that.

 

The point is that so many times the BS just want to gouge the eyes out of the OW and the reality is that the OW gives two F@#s about the BS, it is SO not about her or what she thinks or anything. If her own H can't care enough to stop talking about her in a poor light to stop divulging intimate things about her past, about her rel. w/ her family, about her negative traits, about what she was like in the early days of marriage VS now, what more can you expect from a Woman who has never even met you?

 

Seriously ladies get a grip.

 

I believe what I see, and I saw when I met my ex, I see and SAW a rel that was on its last legs due to the EXTREME neglect that had happened on both parts. In my case in praticular I had NOTHING to do with the breakdown of the marriage, as in most cases of As. Those two people FAILED each other miserably before I/OP even came into the picture, what happened next was only the continuation of a snow ball that was coming down a monuntain at very fast speed. But it's so much easier to blame the OW for your crap choices within your marriage.

[annabelle75]

ROFL, just a minute ago I kind of alluded to this. Now that I see you type it up Im gonna say I dont believe a word of it. Honest... I had something completely different in mind.

 

Feeling neglected at home?? Work on it... or get out. Thats what a decent person would do. Have to be a giant D-Bag to disagree with that.

 

I agree. If only more people had the guts to just be honest and leave when its over.

[Tomcat33]

ROFL, just a minute ago I kind of alluded to this. Now that I see you type it up Im gonna say I dont believe a word of it. Honest... I had something completely different in mind.

 

Feeling neglected at home?? Work on it... or get out. Thats what a decent person would do. Have to be a giant D-Bag to disagree with that.

 

 

YOU (as in the BS) work on it so your man won't find comfort in another woman or get out. surely you (BS) knew there were problems when he was not his usual self? What did you do about it? NOTHING because NOTHING is what you did for a very long time when the problems started.

I mean the general You no one in particular, k?

 

Because the magic ring on your finger had powers of its own, it was to do all the work for you. :lmao:

[Trialbyfire]

What comic book are you quoting your silly lines from? Because last I checked NO ONE here has said anything like that.

 

The point is that so many times the BS just want to gouge the eyes out of the OW and the reality is that the OW gives two F@#s about the BS, it is SO not about her or what she thinks or anything. If her own H can't care enough to stop talking about her in a poor light to stop divulging intimate things about her past, about her rel. w/ her family, about her negative traits, about what she was like in the early days of marriage VS now, what more can you expect from a Woman who has never even met you?

 

Seriously ladies get a grip.

 

I believe what I see, and I saw when I met my ex, I see and SAW a rel that was on its last legs due to the EXTREME neglect that had happened on both parts. In my case in praticular I had NOTHING to do with the breakdown of the marriage, as in most cases of As. Those two people FAILED each other miserably before I/OP even came into the picture, what happened next was only the continuation of a snow ball that was coming down a monuntain at very fast speed. But it's so much easier to blame the OW for your crap choices within your marriage.

The OW/OM have no idea what and how the marriage failed and what and how interactions existed between the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse. I don't particularly care if you've been cheated on in a non-binding relationship without vows, you have no idea what a real marriage is all about. So many judgements are passed on the betrayed spouse through conversations and intimations by the wayward spouse. This is like believing that everything FOX news or CNN tells you. It's only one perspective. Start reading all perspectives or experiencing them and then tell me how knowledgeable you are about each and every marital breakdown.

[Cobra_X30]

YOU (as in the BS) work on it so your man won't find comfort in another woman or get out. surely you (BS) knew there were problems when he was not his usual self? What did you do about it? NOTHING because NOTHING is what you did for a very long time when the problems started.

I mean the general You no one in particular, k?

 

Because the magic ring on your finger had powers of its own, it was to do all the work for you. :lmao:

 

Yes, thats exactly how it works. The victim needs to work harder not to get victimized! Way to TomCat.

 

Ef that. I warned you... its analogy time!

 

He who knows that there is a fire in the house has the resposibility to call 911! You let your wife and kids burn with the house while you run out? What a great guy you are!

[annabelle75]

If you keep saying that Im going to bust out with a horrible analogy!

 

Not if I beat you too it .......

 

I know TC's posts seem to be a bit harsh towards the BS but that is only because it has become a ridiculous day in and day out battle around here.

 

To turn what she is saying into a bad analogy ........

 

Let's say you saved up money to buy a cd. You wanted this cd really badly. You waited outside the music store at midnight the day is was to released. Once you got it what did you do? You listened to it fro your pleasure whenever you felt like it. You worked for it and got it. No need to work for it anymore. Sadly, alot of people treat marriages like that these days. Then they are shocked when they fail. I'm not saying all marriages that end with an A are becasue of this, but to deny it happens is to not learn from our mistakes.