Open To Receive....Bring it on!!

[RealityCheck]

YES !!! I'm glad some body else gets it. I've always said that the kids should be left out of it at all costs. I don't care how old they are or how angry or in pain the parents are, there is no excuse for dragging the children into it. If my ex-H chooses to tell my daughter he cheated on me when she is older, that is his choice bit I NEVER will. Our marital problems should not be her issues to deal with. Parents that do drag their kids into their problems I find to be self fish.

 

Well Annabelle, I certainly get it! What went on between spouses should be completely separate and apart! A child should never suffer the wrath of their incompleteness. The result could be very damaging to a chid's emotional growth! Shame! Shame!

[Babybird]

Well Annabelle, I certainly get it! What went on between spouses should be completely separate and apart! A child should never suffer the wrath of their incompleteness. The result could be very damaging to a chid's emotional growth! Shame! Shame!

 

My MM's STBXW told their 16 yr old son about her A. He hates her now. Her BF will never stand a chance in that childs eyes because he will always look at him as the one that destroyed the M. He has lost all respect for his mother when they used to be really close. I can't figure out why she told. Couldn't she have just said that they just didn't work out? Those are issues between a man and a woman and doesn't include the child.

 

I have read responses here about the child has the right to know that one parent wrecked the M and because the child is being robbed of having both parents there because of one parents actions that will give them the right to know the truth. I disagree. Even if they divorce because of one parents actions the odds are they would divorce eventually anyways. There is no reason to play the blame game. Besides that the child will never know everything that went on being the parents. No one knows except the couple themselves. Cheating could've been just one thing out of a list of many problems they had that will never be mentioned because one person cheated.

[annabelle75]

My MM's STBXW told their 16 yr old son about her A. He hates her now. Her BF will never stand a chance in that childs eyes because he will always look at him as the one that destroyed the M. He has lost all respect for his mother when they used to be really close. I can't figure out why she told. Couldn't she have just said that they just didn't work out? Those are issues between a man and a woman and doesn't include the child.

 

I have read responses here about the child has the right to know that one parent wrecked the M and because the child is being robbed of having both parents there because of one parents actions that will give them the right to know the truth. I disagree. Even if they divorce because of one parents actions the odds are they would divorce eventually anyways. There is no reason to play the blame game. Besides that the child will never know everything that went on being the parents. No one knows except the couple themselves. Cheating could've been just one thing out of a list of many problems they had that will never be mentioned because one person cheated.

 

Very true. There just isn't any valid excuse to impose your marital problems on your children. I consider it emotional abuse. I've heard too many spouses of cheaters use the excuse that the child deserves to know why the marriage ended. Why? So that one parent can place the blame on the other and make themselves look good? So they can make sure that the child is just as mad at the cheating spouse as they are? That's not right.

 

People divorce every day fro many different reasons. If you handle it right, you can inflict minimal damage on the children. When it comes to the kids, it's time to stop pointing the finger and put their needs first. My daughter loves her daddy, and I will never try to get in the way of that.

[Jonah]

You are not the first to bring up this topic.

"Let him without sin cast the first stone".

 

There is a slight overtone of somebody did something wrong. But whose is to say? It could be that you brought joy to someone’s life that could not have been there without you. The point being that there will always be those to use words to tear you down in order to make themselves feel like they are on a higher plain. Those are they that should be ignored in your search for meaningful correspondence.

 

-Jonah

[movinon05]

My exH said he wouldn't tell my boys if I decided to stay. When I left, he sat them down and told them every nitty gritty detail, yelling and using vulgarities. They were 13, 12 and 8. They, of course, were devastated and spent the night in their rooms crying and didn't want to talk to me.

 

But that was it. I picked them up the next day and we talked and have never stopped talking since. Their R with their father dwindled to nothing because he wouldn't give it up and kept putting them in the middle. I am very fortunate because the bond I have with all my boys has been strong since birth and I never let them go. My tears are flowing right now when I think how wonderful they all are. I am truly blessed.

[RealityCheck]

Very true. There just isn't any valid excuse to impose your marital problems on your children. I consider it emotional abuse. I've heard too many spouses of cheaters use the excuse that the child deserves to know why the marriage ended. Why? So that one parent can place the blame on the other and make themselves look good? So they can make sure that the child is just as mad at the cheating spouse as they are? That's not right.

 

People divorce every day fro many different reasons. If you handle it right, you can inflict minimal damage on the children. When it comes to the kids, it's time to stop pointing the finger and put their needs first. My daughter loves her daddy, and I will never try to get in the way of that.

 

You definately nailed the reality Annabelle.....

 

"one parent can place blame to make themselves look good"

 

A very selfish act indeed!

[annabelle75]

My exH said he wouldn't tell my boys if I decided to stay. When I left, he sat them down and told them every nitty gritty detail, yelling and using vulgarities. They were 13, 12 and 8. They, of course, were devastated and spent the night in their rooms crying and didn't want to talk to me.

 

But that was it. I picked them up the next day and we talked and have never stopped talking since. Their R with their father dwindled to nothing because he wouldn't give it up and kept putting them in the middle. I am very fortunate because the bond I have with all my boys has been strong since birth and I never let them go. My tears are flowing right now when I think how wonderful they all are. I am truly blessed.

 

Its so sad when that happens. I'm sorry your boys were put through that. It doesn't have to be that way. I'm also glad to here it didn't destroy your relationship with them. Its good they can recoginze that you are still a good mother and love them.

 

I could have done the same thing that you ex-H did, but I made the choice not to. How are things for us now? Last night I went to my exes place to pick up my daughter and he had barbecued ribs with corn on the cobb and garlic bread. We all sat down together and had dinner. It was a nice surprise. We even made plans to go to a water park on Saturday together as a family. Even though we are no longer married we have a child together and that makes us family still. I guess some people might find me to be too forgiving, but I just see it as doing the right thing. Why force drama and pain on my daughter? It's our burden to bare, not hers.

[movinon05]

Its so sad when that happens. I'm sorry your boys were put through that. It doesn't have to be that way. I'm also glad to here it didn't destroy your relationship with them. Its good they can recoginze that you are still a good mother and love them.

 

I could have done the same thing that you ex-H did, but I made the choice not to. How are things for us now? Last night I went to my exes place to pick up my daughter and he had barbecued ribs with corn on the cobb and garlic bread. We all sat down together and had dinner. It was a nice surprise. We even made plans to go to a water park on Saturday together as a family. Even though we are no longer married we have a child together and that makes us family still. I guess some people might find me to be too forgiving, but I just see it as doing the right thing. Why force drama and pain on my daughter? It's our burden to bare, not hers.

 

Good for you, Annabelle. Your daughter will reap the rewards. Children should never have to bear the brunt of an adult's mistakes and be expected to handle the adult emotions involved. They are not equipped.

[movinon05]

Hope? Wishing that I may one day see that cheaters, OW/OM have "redeeming traits" is in no way, shape, or form......hope.

 

Bish, we can play with words all we want. And you can dig your heels in all you want. But I will still have hope for you. Someday you will come to accept that the world is not all black and white. You still remind me of my exH in so many ways, except that you did not burden your children with things they cannot possibly understand. Therefore, I will continue to have hope for you.

[RealityCheck]

I made the choice not to. How are things for us now? Last night I went to my exes place to pick up my daughter and he had barbecued ribs with corn on the cobb and garlic bread. We all sat down together and had dinner. It was a nice surprise. We even made plans to go to a water park on Saturday together as a family. Even though we are no longer married we have a child together and that makes us family still. I guess some people might find me to be too forgiving, but I just see it as doing the right thing. Why force drama and pain on my daughter? It's our burden to bare, not hers.

 

 

That's awesome!

So nice to hear how co-parenting should be! More people should remain focused on in the best interest of the children and not in the bitterness of the break-up.

[simplegirl]

I could have done the same thing that you ex-H did, but

I made the choice not to. How are things for us now? Last night I went to my exes place to pick up my daughter and he had barbecued ribs with corn on the cobb and garlic bread. We all sat down together and had dinner. It was a nice surprise. We even made plans to go to a water park on Saturday together as a family. Even though we are no longer married we have a child together and that makes us family still. I guess some people might find me to be too forgiving, but I just see it as doing the right thing. Why force drama and pain on my daughter? It's our burden to bare, not hers.

 

 

 

I wish my D was like this. When my parents D I was 10 and I knew everything thanks to my mom. My Dad had many A's. When I got divorced I swore I wouldn't do that. My exH cheated (not why we divorced but years prior) and I never told my kids. I still haven't but him and his new W tell my kids so much garbage I feel like I'm up against a brick wall most of the time. My exH isn't even allowed to talk to me about anything. Everything has to go through my 13 yr old.

[bish]

The one thing that I have never understood is why a parent would chose to tell a child about the other parent cheating.

 

I won't be telling them...but when they get older and they ask, I won't go on and on about it, but I won't lie to them.

 

I think it can only lead to resentment, judgment, and the child, no matter what age, being hurt. Frankly, I don't think its any of the child's business why the parents got divorced.

 

Their lives are turned upside down, and it isn't any of their business?

If two people bring a child into this world, the least the child should be entitled to is the truth if they inquire about why their home was wrecked.

 

As far as doubting that an OW can have redeeming traits, a woman I know is an OW and just donated a kidney to a woman she has never met. That doesn't qualify as a redeeming trait? Generosity? To be basically sawed in half to give an organ to someone you have never met? Wow, if that isn't incredible and redeeming than I don't know what is.

 

Its not redeeming with regards to their character as a cheater, OW/OM is concerned.

 

Donating a kidney doesn't redeem them of the bad character of sleeping with other wives husbands.

[lovernotafighter]

I have found that a person who chooses to blame others for the pain their own action creates in themselves are the people who least take responsibility for their actions. If when in pain a person will say it is due to their own actions that person is then taking responsibility. I do not see that very often.

 

Some people though simply avoid pain themselves and deposit it on others. That person is also not taking responsibility for their actions. It is matters not what another wants done but rather a matter of seeing the consequences to others of what ones actions may be. I hope my words have the sense my thoughts have.

 

your words may if your thoughts run in a amazing loop that funnel that thought though a word processor so it re-words it in as many mathmatical oddities as possible, then yep you did it.

[bish]

YES !!! I'm glad some body else gets it. I've always said that the kids should be left out of it at all costs. I don't care how old they are or how angry or in pain the parents are, there is no excuse for dragging the children into it.

 

Well if this is in reference to my post, then a few people need to read closer.

 

i won't be dragging my kids into anything...but when they get older...IF THEY ASK, I'm not going to lie to them. I'll tell them the truth....then drop it and not dwell on it.

[lovernotafighter]

 

Its not redeeming with regards to their character as a cheater, OW/OM is concerned.

 

Donating a kidney doesn't redeem them of the bad character of sleeping with other wives husbands.

 

and you know this how? are you christ just swinging in for a visit to the **** hole that has become LS?

 

...those with out sin *cough*

[bish]

and you know this how? are you christ just swinging in for a visit to the **** hole that has become LS?

 

...those with out sin *cough*

 

Ok, then you explain...how does donating a kidney redeem someone of sleeping with other peoples spouses?

 

And I am without sin when it comes to cheating and sleeping with married women.

 

Never did either and never will.

So sorry, your little "without sin" comment falls flat.

[lovernotafighter]

Ok, then you explain...how does donating a kidney redeem someone of sleeping with other peoples spouses?

 

And I am without sin when it comes to cheating and sleeping with married women.

 

Never did either and never will.

So sorry, your little "without sin" comment falls flat.

 

I accept your apology however it isn't necessary but thank you.

 

 

perception. your perception is right to you, however to twirl it around as a absolute fact and judge others as if your are in some respect better, or maybe not that 'you' are better but your comprehension of right from wrong is actually better then others you talk down to well aren't you giving your self a bit of canonization?

 

what exactly does that make you? and you think you have a right to because of?

 

I am studying the Tao and am deeply involved with Buddhism at this stage in life, so have you ever killed a insect buzzing around because it annoyed you? do you eat meat? in my perception you are a murderer and not only that a cannibal and to make matters worse you might have just killed your own great grand mother..

 

should I sit here and throw down my gauntlet on what a horrible human being you are? after all I am not a murderer but you are...

are you going to tell me I have no merit, because everything you have said has to deal with your perception, you will be quite egotistical to think that your perception is the only perception, you can agree with that now can't you?

[Cobra_X30]

I accept your apology however it isn't necessary but thank you.

 

 

perception. your perception is right to you, however to twirl it around as a absolute fact and judge others as if your are in some respect better, or maybe not that 'you' are better but your comprehension of right from wrong is actually better then others you talk down to well aren't you giving your self a bit of canonization?

 

what exactly does that make you? and you think you have a right to because of?

 

I am studying the Tao and am deeply involved with Buddhism at this stage in life, so have you ever killed a insect buzzing around because it annoyed you? do you eat meat? in my perception you are a murderer and not only that a cannibal and to make matters worse you might have just killed your own great grand mother..

 

should I sit here and throw down my gauntlet on what a horrible human being you are? after all I am not a murderer but you are...

are you going to tell me I have no merit, because everything you have said has to deal with your perception, you will be quite egotistical to think that your perception is the only perception, you can agree with that now can't you?

 

 

Yeah, so realize your talking to someone who is in the middle of dealing with something extremely emotional. If he gets a little harsh... fine thats how he deals with the issue. Overall the guy is doing the right thing, so seriously what's your deal with him?

 

Can your Tao percieve that you come across just as judgmental and 'holier than thou' as he does?

 

Your basically dismissing his view of the world as inferior to yours. Why? Because he believes something to be true?

 

I'm not saying your wrong... just that perhaps some understanding is in order!

[bish]

I accept your apology however it isn't necessary but thank you.

 

 

perception. your perception is right to you, however to twirl it around as a absolute fact and judge others as if your are in some respect better, or maybe not that 'you' are better but your comprehension of right from wrong is actually better then others you talk down to well aren't you giving your self a bit of canonization?

 

Hmmm...well lets see. You have someone who doesn't cheat or sleep with other people's spouses....and another that doesn't...doesn't take a rocket scientist to know which one has a little more decency.

 

what exactly does that make you? and you think you have a right to because of?

 

Right to what? Either your English is bad, or you do not know how to form complete sentences. Make some sense please.

 

I am studying the Tao and am deeply involved with Buddhism at this stage in life, so have you ever killed a insect buzzing around because it annoyed you? do you eat meat? in my perception you are a murderer and not only that a cannibal and to make matters worse you might have just killed your own great grand mother..

 

We are not talking about survival of the fittest...we are talking about sleeping with people's spouses and cheating here. Stay relevant please.

 

should I sit here and throw down my gauntlet on what a horrible human being you are? after all I am not a murderer but you are...

are you going to tell me I have no merit, because everything you have said has to deal with your perception, you will be quite egotistical to think that your perception is the only perception, you can agree with that now can't you?

 

Nope. We are not talking about Buddhism here.

 

But lets just say we are....does Buddhism condone cheating, sleeping with other people's spouses and adultery?

[RealityCheck]

LNF...you vivacious babe:love::love:

 

I get what you are saying! Because I understand you and know the parts of you that people simply cannot see.

[NoIDidn't]

Sorry, I can't quote everything directly, but Johnny, you just backed the wrong horse!

 

No. I'm not kidding. But thanks for asking.

[RealityCheck]

Okay, back to the principle purpose of this thread. I have read the entire Thread responded to some and some not. It is clear to me that the OW is of value. That they have many qualities that are not recognized because some cannot get past the bitterness that has tore their world apart

 

Truly I can feel the compassion in the nasty triangle of an Affair on both sides because I experienced both the BS and the OW! I do not believe in basing my opinion on something that I have not experienced. How can I? That would mean that I am living through another’s perceptions and opinions without a clear understanding my own. It is the reflection in the mirror. I would be in judgment! Sure! I will hear the comment “I would NEVER become that!” Well, that’s you! Truth is, you do not live in another’s body! You have not shared the same experiences in life as that individual whether it is faith or how you were raised that would lead you to becoming anything LESS or MORE than what you are! That is the reality!

 

I have read many deep well thought out perceptions of many individuals whether it is the OW perception or the BS perception. Believe me! Everyone matters

 

There was a time that I posted a Thread in LS that resulted in the most vicious of attacks on both sides. I am sure OW’s and BS’s alike recall that Thread very well. Am I guilty of attack? Absolutely! For me, a very valuable insight came out of that Thread and I don’t regret the experience whatsoever or hold onto any grudge. That was then, this is now. I learned forgiveness a long time ago. I can forgive myself which makes it all that more easy to forgive another. I am far from perfect and I always, with anything that comes my way bring it back home to myself. I dissect to the root even if it means feeling the ugliness within myself because for me, that’s where it begins and that’s where I choose it to end

 

Reading through this Thread has been amazing. There were so many subjects brought forward and responses to the subject matter that I was actually overwhelmed

 

Having said this, does it really matter if someone agrees with another? I don’t believe it! I have never believed that there is one highway traveled in life. That there is only one experience for all! I don’t believe in my way it the highest road. What I do believe is being open to sharing. Sharing the perceptions, beliefs and understanding to another’s travel in life. Even if caught in a triangle of any situation, there is always something that can be recognized in ourselves from another’s perception

 

Now call it what you will, but I don’t believe that people truly come here to bicker and argue. I do believe that if you’re here, deep down you need an understanding of something that you need for yourself

 

So put away the guns and daggers and get real with what you came here for! Truth is, the OW’s in this forum are not the women directly involved with your MM or are the BS’s who visit here not directly married to your MM.

[movinon05]

RC! Amen!

 

Is it possible to say that I have never been more proud to call you my very dear friend? Yes, it is, because I know you for more than the words you speak here. But here, You speak truth. You come from truth. You have passion and wisdom far away and beyond. I love you to pieces.

[Cliche]

Believe me! Everyone matters

 

So simple, but yet the most beautiful sentiment posted on here in a long time.

[lovernotafighter]

 

Yeah, so realize your talking to someone who is in the middle of dealing with something extremely emotional. If he gets a little harsh... fine thats how he deals with the issue. Overall the guy is doing the right thing, so seriously what's your deal with him?

 

Can your Tao percieve that you come across just as judgmental and 'holier than thou' as he does?

 

Your basically dismissing his view of the world as inferior to yours. Why? Because he believes something to be true?

 

I'm not saying your wrong... just that perhaps some understanding is in order!

 

 

I can understand your point of view, writing out my sarcasm can come across in away that it probably does sound judgmental, so don't mind me cobra I am just posting about a remark primarily that he had said someones good merits

hardly makes a cheater a good person.

 

I suppose my over all point to him is to live and live and his perception of whats wrong and right doesn't make it the same for everyone else, know what I mean? I just get a bit on my soap box when I come to LS's ow/om forum because I see far to many attacks here rather than a support structure that I believe was the intent on creation of this section of LS.