Is there a future for us?

[reallyhurting]

I hope to get both male and female perspectives on this. I am really in bad shape emotionally and don't know what to do.

 

I have been married for 20 years and recently found out that my husband was (and maybe still is) in love with my best friend. She confessed this to her husband and now she appears to want a divorce. My husband will not discuss their relationship, only to say that he is not planning a future with her. In the meantime, he moved into the guest room. So, now he has the comfort of his family (we have 2 kids) and his home, but keeps me at arm's length.

 

I am constantly thinking about this, feeling angry, sad, scared and frustrated because I don't know what to do. He's never been one to talk about things easily and if I try to approach him about any of this, he shuts down and I'm worse off than I was before I opened my mouth. I never yell or criticize, I try to be calm, but often end up crying - which I really hate to do.

 

PLEASE, men and women, what would you do in my situation? Does my husband sound like anyone you know? Thank you so much any responses. I really appreciate any help.

[Tony T]

I can't tell if counselling will do any good. If your husband desires to stay married to you and wants to make the marriage work, then he will be willing to go to a counsellor.

 

You have to take a great deal of responsibility here. YOU are the one who married a man who is uncomfortable communicating. You wrote that he was never one to be willing to talk about things so you knew that going in. You clearly knew that he would shut down during times of martial difficulty and yet you accepted him with this trait and married him.

 

Myself, personally...I wouldn't live under these conditions. If he won't talk, and if he wants to live in separate rooms...and he won't get counselling as an expression of a desire to heal the marriage, I'd go see an attorney and file for divorce in a heartbeat. And if I were you I wouldn't go easy on him.

 

Allowing oneself to fall in love with his wife's best friend (yeah, right!) is about the scummiest thing a person can do. And I don't even want to go into your ability to pick friends....YUK!!!

[midori]

I agree with everything Tony said.

 

You cannot change your husband: can't make him talk, can't make him stop being in love with your best friend, can't make him want to be your husband rather than co-parent/housemate.

 

What you CAN do is say "no thank you": to an uncommunicative husband who is cheating on you in spirit if not in physical fact -- with your (former, I hope) best friend.

 

But the house! But your marriage of 20 years! But your family! But the expectations you've had for your present and future! All are jeopardized if you say "no thank you."

 

But are you really happy in your house right now? How about your marriage of 20 years? How're the kids dealing with all of this?

 

Tony's right, men don't just fall in love with their wives' best friends unless there is something quite wrong in the marriage. It may well be that the problem is him. The marriage is already broken, so suffering in silent inertia isn't going to get you anywhere -- except worn-down, resentful and terribly unhappy.

 

Based on the little bit you've revealed about your marriage and the present situation, my guess is that your husband was aware on some level that something was wrong in your marriage. Again, perhaps it was solely his problem, in his head. Regardless, he's taken the coward's route to address the problem: he's started an emotional affair with someone else. Disengaged from you he doesn't have to deal with it. But one of the many problems with the coward's route is that the people who take it are often unable to see it through. He has in effect announced that there's a problem in your marriage, and has refused to do anything about it one way or another.

 

He's leaving it to you to deliver the death-blow to the marriage, because he hasn't got the courage to do it himself. He doesn't want to take responsibility for wrecking the marriage. He's probably not sure that he wouldn't live to regret it. So instead he's making the situation unbearable for you, so that YOU will be forced to say "enough." The question is, how much of his nonsense will you take before you throw in the towel?

 

Sometimes marriages simply can't be saved, and it sounds like yours cannot. Your husband would have to be willing to try, willing to engage with you. He's not. He sounds like an emotional coward, and there's nothing you can do about that. You can't help him identify his problems (or the marriages) -- he doesn't want to see them. It might seem that weathering the storm is the right thing to do, but how many indignities are you going to have to suffer before you realize that this guy isn't interested in fixing anything?

 

By the way, I trust your best friend is your friend no more ....?

 

Good luck.

[PamelaMcCoy]

I think you need to re-evaluate your friends.

[Kay]

This message is directed back to Midori -

 

I just re-read your response from a while back and it's funny how differently I feel each day, sometimes hour to hour.

 

Your words are so helpful, and although painful, too, I know that you are right about so many aspects of what I'm going through.

 

I think I hit a serious "bump" in my feelings for my husband and I am consciously "disconnecting" from him. I can no longer support him emotionally and still be a whole person for myself. Simply put, I was making it far too easy for him. You are absolutely right; he is a coward. He can't decide or bring himself to end our marriage, but rather is letting it get so bad that I have no other choice.

 

Thank you, and everyone else, for your thoughts.

[Kay]

By the way, I am both "Kay" and "reallyhurting" from above!

[Emerged]

Kay--

 

My husband did the SAME exact thing. He was the same type of emotionally unavailable, unwilling to work through it person as it sounds like yours is.

 

This all is very good sound advice you've received. Please also read my response to Circle--the adulterer--I wrote notes to you there as well.

 

Now your questions will be---Why did I spend 20 years of my life with someone who was emotionally unavailable to me? Why did I assume all of the emotional responsibility in this relationship? Why was that OK that I gave everything and got very little of what I needed in return emotionally?

 

Those are the questions that can help you get back on track and see what you really need and deserve.

 

AND--You can have it! My new significant other is very emotionally available. His feelings are palpable. When we argue I can feel his anger! It's so exciting. And in return, I must manage my own emotions much more because I know how sensitive he is. We fulfill our own emotional needs and gladly fulfill them for one another.

 

I no longer feel trapped and emotionally exhausted and drained. I feel LOVED and cherished and like what I'm building with this person is REAL. There are no secrets and mysteries and closed doors. We're open and honest.

 

It's SOOOO refreshing and exciting.

 

GOOD LUCK TO YOU! xoxox.

[NEONINK]

The ladies post above says it all. A person that withholds from the relationship isn't in the relationship. They are being emotionally abusive. Withholding is abuse, not unlike any other abuse that can take place in a marriage.

 

However, the abuser gets to maintain a high sense of esteem, because he appears above it all, plus there are no bruises, no violent outbursts, just quiet void. Sorry, it's not above reproach to me anymore.

[km82794]

Dear Kay,

 

My heart goes out to you. I have to say I think your husband is having his cake and eating it too.

 

My advise is if he will not open up, not go to counseling, or engage in making any type of repair to your marriage, put all his belongings to the curb and file for divorce.

 

Don't take this wrong, but I think by you keeping quiet and permitting him to sleep elsewhere, you are enabling him to withdrawal.

 

(I deal with the same behavior every day of my life and have seen where being quiet got me).

 

Stand up for yourself sweety, that's what God gave you a voice for... Let it out, give the ultimatum "stay" or "be gone".

Don't let your kids see this.

 

True Story......

 

My Mom's best friend slept with my father in my parents bed while my Mom was off picking us kids up from school. The woman had the nerve to tell my Mom how good it was.

 

Mom forgave Dad, but do you know who we (her kids), ended up being mad at? Mom!!!! As sad as it is, we were so mad at her for letting Dad walk on her over some @%$.

 

P.S. Kay, I truly hope you don't take anything I have said negatively. Just from your words I can see you slipping into a dark hole.

 

Where would we be without someone being there, taking our hand and standing us upright so as not to fall back into that dark place?

 

Best Wishes!!!

[Carly]

Why, indeed, would anyone stick with a marraige for twenty years, despite so many problems in the relationship?

 

Here is my answer, that comes from my heart, from my own difficult realtionship of 20 years:

 

Yes, the problems were all there from the beginning - -the fighting, the withdrawal, the hostility. No, I wasn't blind or stupid to it. No, I didn't expereince any perverse enjoyment from it. No, I wasn't afraid of losing a house, or social respectability if I walked out. Finances were not the issue either.

 

Bottom line for me is that I believed that I was the cause of all the problems. I truly felt that it was me who brought out the problematic behavior in my husband. And to a large extent I still think that in the early years I was a major contributor to our problems (because I was, but that's changed).

 

It took many years to realize though that it wasn't me who brought out the monster in my husband. He was like that as a kid at home, wit his parents and his sister. He was like that with past employers. with neighbors, and friends. He just get ugly whenever his ego is threatened. And he is highly skilled at twisiting any situation around to make the other person look bad and himself look great.

 

But for the many years that I thought it was me who caused his nasty, ugly behavior, well, I guess I also believed that I got what I deserved, and I probabaly had the best that I could get.

 

I truly think that people will put up with anything as long as they believe deep down that they deserve it -- no matter how irrational that belief may be.

 

Kay, do you think for any reason that you deserve this treatment from your husband? Do you shoulder the responsibility for your husband's behavior? Do you think that you could explore these issues in therapy, in order to help you resolve the guilt and shame you might be feeling for the failed marriage?

 

I believe that you said you are religious. Please don't get me wrong here, but I hope that you do NOT go to a church-affiliated therapist. This is because you run the risk of getting a therapist who will be motivated to make you feel more guilt for not "saving the marrigae," or (worse yet) you could get a religious therapist who will spend most of your therapy time trying to teach you how to forgive your husband, just like God forgives us, yadda, yadda.

 

Kay, this is not the time to be pious and forgiving of others. You can work on that later. Right know you need to work on yourself.

 

I truly wish you the best, sweetheart.