Need your insight on what happened!

[squirrel]

My male platonic friend has suddenly blanked me, he is long distance so I can't go and check to see if he's ok although I'm sure he is.

 

I've been tearing my hair out trying to work out why and have come to the conclusion that either

 

(a) I rejected his romantic advances & he is hurt (he said he had toughened up against women after years of being a 'softy' hence maybe blanking me)

 

(b) He was checking me out & I got thumbs down (first meet) although he said I was exactly as I described & we had never flirted over 2 yrs of contact but advised over our respective relationships.

 

The romantic stuff was:

Him: (at night moon lit beach) "Now all I have to do is meet someone I connect with and feel so relaxed with as well as I do with you and I'll be ok won't I?"

Me: "I don't know, I guess so" (defensive voice)

 

(After this he completely changed and decided it was time to go and didnt respond when I gave him a hug good-bye or respond to my offer of coffee - genuine to wake him up for a long trip home as had to work next day - saying he'd get something on the way)

 

before this, holding my hand and walking from one part of the beach to the other and saying that this was our part of the beach and that whatever happened ("You never know what the future holds. We could meet our soul mates tomorrow") then we could always return to this point and remember our day together.

 

(Aside: Surely if he saw us as friends it wouldn't change things if we did meet our soul mates tomorrow???)

 

He also asked me when I thought we would meet again to which I said I didnt know and when my b/f texted me asking to see me the next day and I didnt reply, my friend told me to reply and said I would probably have a much better time with my b/f than with him (fishing?).

 

Asking me if I read palms (?!) which I think was an excuse to touch hands. As it happened I knew some of the lines and traced them on my hand to show him what lines were. He then took my hand and slowly traced the 'whirls' on the pads of my fingers explaining the different types of whirls there were!! and also compared hand sizes by putting his palm against mine (another excuse for intimate contact?).

 

He said a few times throughout the day that he had hardened up against women as he was too soft and that he wasnt ever going to get married but contradicted this by saying his sister had suggested he meet someone through a dating agency (which he refuses to do).

 

Saying he wished we hadnt met when he had been going through the rough time with his ex. I didnt allow him to continue, nervous of what was coming so I said I thought it had enabled us to become closer as we showed our vulnerablitity and that's what friends were about.

 

However, contradictory to all of this he had also commented earlier that the next time he met a woman he would bring her to my town for the weekend as it was so lovely here (testing me after all my b/friend talk??). He even said he was considering being transferred down here and checked out property prices when we passed an estate agents window but I think that is because he was taken with the area not due to me!! And when we went for something to eat, he said he thought the waitress fancied him and I noticed him glancing over at her (he said checking to see if she was checking him out but I think he probably fancied her).

 

We also talked about where we would go next time he was down. however when I sent him a text to thank him for the meals and cd he bought me he replied "Thank you it was great to meet you at last you deserve to meet someone very special. pleasant dreams princess..." Was this a brush off? Or him responding to what he considered to be my disinterest in him romantically and my complaints to my on/off boyfriend not treating me right? i stress I went on a lot about my b/f because that was what my friend and i had always been about - relationship guidance/support.

 

Oh yes, we were also going to meet up a few weeks after that day as he had cause to come down for work but I cancelled the saturday before the thursday we were due to meet explaining it was out of my control and very unfortunate and asked if he was likely to return here for work in future and he said "Who knows im sure there will be other times" ie. not commital/lacking interest/enthusiasm.

 

Anyway, as we were buddes, i texted him a few times in the following weeks when he either didnt reply or took over a day to reply and in which he called me mate (cooler than princess although he had called me mate before). The last 2 texts I sent were enquiring about him possibly volunteering for War (he wants to go) and as he needed permission by police force (he's a cop) I asked if they could refuse him leave. i KNOW for a fact he was in this country then and chose to ignore 2 texts of this nature, 2 weeks apart. Was it because they showed concern and he was saying 'back off'?

 

Sorry, i said it was complicated lol!! thanks if you got this far!! So do you think he was interested and is backing off because I rejected him? Or do you think he'd been checking me out and wasn't keen but decided to try his luck anyway but lost interest when he got nowhere?

 

All comments appreciated!! I can't ask him because he is ignoring me!

[squirrel]

Romantic stuff occured against romantic backdrop - nearly midnight and we were gazing up at the stars at the beach.

[Tony T]

You have given totally insufficient data to even begin to speculate on where his head is. If the guy hasn't made a move towards you, you can bet he's either not interested or discouraged by your lack of enthusaism.

 

If you are interested in him, tell him so. Otherwise, you don't have a chance.

 

You met him at a bad time, when he was going through some difficulties in healing from a relationship with an ex. People you meet during these times seldom make good partners. You should have stopped right there.

 

You clearly said in your post you rejected him. It also seems that he rejected you as well by alluding to hoping to find a another girl like you.

 

At any rate, this doesn't sound like a match made in heaven. I would move on if I were you. I don't even understand this!

[HokeyReligions]

I'm not sure I understand the whole post.

 

*You are dating someone and having bf problems/stress .

 

*You met this other guy verbally only and became friends - communicating via email only for a long time, then met in person and it's supposedly platonic,

 

*You and he discussed your bf/gf with each other.

 

*He has since broken up with his gf.

 

*You are still with your bf, but you met this guy anyway, as a friend.

 

*It was a romantic setting and you claim to only now be wondering if there were romantic overtones from him.

 

*Now you are wondering why he is not pursuing you, or continuing the supposedly platonic relationship you had with him.

 

Did I get this right?

 

If I did get this right, it doesn't sound like this was EVER truly a platonic relationship. Why you would meet a platonic friend in a very romantic setting is beyond me. Had I been in a position like that I would meet my friend in a very non-romantic place - somewhere conducive to conversation - and saved the romantic places for my bf.

 

If he's interested in you are you going to leave your bf?

 

Are you interested in him?

 

It amazes me how so many people will ask perfect strangers to tell them what other people are thinking! Why don't you ask this guy if he's interested in you? Why not tell him if you are interested in him? Stop side-stepping around it, if there is baggage from former relationships - deal with it.

 

It's him you need to talk to, and if he's dissing you now then stop wondering why and just forget him and move on.

[squirrel]

*I'm not sure I understand the whole post.

 

Sorry, I agree it is quite confusing but you've done pretty well!

 

*You are dating someone and having bf problems/stress .

 

Yes I was when we met but have since ended it although my friend does not know this.

 

*You met this other guy verbally only and became friends - communicating via email only for a long time, then met in person and it's supposedly platonic,

 

We emailed for a few weeks then took it onto the phone for 2 years on/off, sometimes speaking most days for hours if needing support and at other times going several weeks/months without contact. We clicked immediately very similar types of people, no awkwardness.

 

*You and he discussed your bf/gf with each other.

 

Yes we provided support and guidance giving perspective of our respective sex. He was going through a particularly rough time which was making him very ill.

 

*He has since broken up with his gf.

 

We flirted a little online originally ( as strangers), nothing major though until he got back with his ex. We lost contact for a few months until, me meanwhile having met my ex and having trouble with him, we got back in touch and gave each other this advice on our respective situations. There was never any flirting on the phone we werent interested in each other we both loved other people by this time. We clicked as friends.

 

*You are still with your bf, but you met this guy anyway, as a friend.

 

Yes but my ex knew this, i never hid anything from him. my friend came down for work otherwise I was quite happy to continue on the phone when and if needed.

 

*It was a romantic setting and you claim to only now be wondering if there were romantic overtones from him.

 

Well, initially it was a pub meal followed by walks on the beach (he loves the sea, lives miles away from coast) followed by another meal followed by more walks along a river culminating in this romantic walk - it had turned dark and he was showing me the star formations and doing what i regard as romantic as described previously. i dont think either of us intended it to be romantic, its just that he loves the sea so we walked along the beach arm in arm for hours, other than when he took my hand. i was conscious and nervous of what i interpretted as romantic overtones at the time because i didnt know what his motives were - fun? ego sincere attraction? Or just being carried away by the romance of the night and the stars? It wasnt til afterwards (ie now) that im analysing it all because im trying to understand why he could be ignoring me.

 

*Now you are wondering why he is not pursuing you, or continuing the supposedly platonic relationship you had with him.

 

Well not so much wondering why he isnt pursuing me, no, but why he is ignoring me. i cant understand why he would ignore a friend with whom he had a lovely day. I can only conclude his intentions were dishonourable and he was coming down to check me out as a possible love interest and i got thumbs down or i got thumbs up but had discouraged him by not responding or responding in a negative way to what could have been him testing the water to see if i liked him as more than a friend. I simply cannot understand how he could be romantic one minute then showing dwindling interest and finally ignoring me the next. its been a month now since he ignored my text and two weeks since he ignored the other so I guess the friendship is over.

 

*Did I get this right?

 

Yes more or less. Thanks.

 

If I did get this right, it doesn't sound like this was EVER truly a platonic relationship. Why you would meet a platonic friend in a very romantic setting is beyond me. Had I been in a position like that I would meet my friend in a very non-romantic place - somewhere conducive to conversation - and saved the romantic places for my bf.

 

We did for the most part, its just that the sun went down, the moon came up and the stars came out! None of the day was planned except the meal and he loves the sea so it made sense. I did not treat him like a potential date nor he me for the most part. Infact we were relaxed and comfortable together and nobody seemed to be out to impress the other. We were just like mates because thats what we always were and how I thought we saw each other. Thats why I was confused and taken aback by the romantic stuff.

 

If he's interested in you are you going to leave your bf?

 

Already left the boyfriend. Realised that I wouldnt (couldnt) settle for any less than the way this friend treated me. Also I felt a connection with my friend that I never felt with my ex and as I was having doubts already I knew I had to end it properly and did so the following day after meeting my friend.

 

Are you interested in him?

 

I feel a connection and a mental attraction (no strong physical). ive had an emotional last few years (one stalker followed by a serial cheater) so not ready for a relationship, desperately sad and confused though wondering if I have pushed my friend away. Just want to make sense of what happened so I can resolve the situation or accept its over and move forward.

 

 

*It amazes me how so many people will ask perfect strangers to tell them what other people are thinking! Why don't you ask this guy if he's interested in you? Why not tell him if you are interested in him? Stop side-stepping around it, if there is baggage from former relationships - deal with it.

 

He wont reply when I contact him. He could be trying to shake me off hence ignoring my texts which suggested his discomfort with my concern that he might fight in the War (ie saying to me backoff). I also doubt he would tell me the truth preferring not to hurt people (despite the fact that is just what he is doing).

 

*It's him you need to talk to, and if he's dissing you now then stop wondering why and just forget him and move on.

 

I know, believe me I am trying but in order to move on it helps to have insight and to beable to make sense of what went wrong. Its natural to try and understand so you can come to terms and prevent mistakes in the future. Also I am hurting, i feel confused and abandoned by someone I genuinely believed would be a friend and vice versa for many years to come.

[squirrel]

*You have given totally insufficient data to even begin to speculate on where his head is. If the guy hasn't made a move towards you, you can bet he's either not interested or discouraged by your lack of enthusaism.

 

any other data needed please ask will be glad to provide. yes it is one of the two but which? that is what I am trying to work out from the information given.

 

*If you are interested in him, tell him so. Otherwise, you don't have a chance.

 

at present i am just trying to understand where he could be coming from so i can work out the best course of action. i dont want to contact him if he has ignored me twice already i could make things far worse. i am attracted to him in many ways but i only want friendship my heart is not into having a relationship with anyone at the moment.

 

*You met him at a bad time, when he was going through some difficulties in healing from a relationship with an ex. People you meet during these times seldom make good partners. You should have stopped right there.

 

No that relationship ended nearly 2 years ago and was well over it when we met face to face. he did HOWEVER end a friendship with a married woman recently because she was sending him flirty texts and he felt boundaries were being crossed and im pretty sure he was sad about that.

 

*You clearly said in your post you rejected him. It also seems that he rejected you as well by alluding to hoping to find a another girl like you.

 

Well yes I did bring us back to point that we were friends ie Him: "I wish we hadnt met when when I was going through that rough time with my ex" Me: "Oh I dont know I think it was a good thing because our vulnerability brought us closer and thats what friends are about"

 

Ialso think him alluding to hoping to find a girl like me may have been testing the water as i was unavailable so he couldnt come out with it directly. He had just been slowly tracing the whorls on the pads of my fingers showing me the different patterns (cop-finger prints). Its an odd thing to say in such a romantic setting to a girl I cant believe he is naieve to think i would interpret any other way.

 

At any rate, this doesn't sound like a match made in heaven. I would move on if I were you. I don't even understand this!

 

Well agreed the communication is appauling. I still wish to understand where he is coming from to either rectify the situation or to enable me to let go and move on.

[HokeyReligions]

Well, to me it sounds like he gave you a clear answer that, for whatever reason, he does not want to have any kind of relationship with you.

 

It might not be a case of "what went wrong" but more a case of "what didn't go right".

 

Maybe over the phone everything clicked enough for him to take the next step and meet in person, but maybe he just didn't feel whatever he was hoping/expecting to feel when he met you, and he's too much of a coward to say "so long" to you.

 

Sometimes we lose people and never get an explanation or closure. I'm sorry you lost your friend, but look at it this way: He wasn't much of a friend to you in the long run, so you didn't lose much. But you were a very good friend to him and could have been someone he could rely on and cherish in the long run, so he is the one who lost the most.

[squirrel]

*Sometimes we lose people and never get an explanation or closure. I'm sorry you lost your friend, but look at it this way: He wasn't much of a friend to you in the long run, so you didn't lose much. But you were a very good friend to him and could have been someone he could rely on and cherish in the long run, so he is the one who lost the most.*

 

I think you've summed that up very well Hokey.

 

And on that note I shall close that rather disappointing period of my life and move on, a little wiser.

 

Thanks for all support and advice.

[beachbabi]

Hi squirrel,

 

Wow, that story sounds almost exactly the same as what a guy just did to me recently.

 

I wonder if it is the same guy. It is hard to figure out what really is going on inside their heads.

 

I personally am making one more form of contact with my guy to say my few remaining words, but not via sms or online since he is avoiding me also.

 

If its resolution to the situation you are after, finish the issues you have either inside your head or let him know your thoughts in some way then walk away. I feel i must communicate my last thoughts, some people can easily walk away and forget about everything.

 

Best of luck, i totally understand how you feel.

[squirrel]

Thanks for your reply Beachbabi

 

Ive read your posts and, although there are some similarities, my friend didnt make it obvious that he wanted friends with benefits with me. There were many mixed messages but from your description, my guy and yours are not one and the same!

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply though and I appreciate and agree with the advice you gave although i can't contact him for closure as I deleted all contact details.

 

Regardng your situation, I'm really sorry but from the info you've given, I think he got what he wanted then lost interest ie he wasn't really interested and had other options elsewhere he preferred to pursue.

 

Ouch, I know that must hurt, I'm sorry, could be wrong of course as we're not inside his head but I can see you getting attached and hurt as already you are investing a lot of emotion into his guy.

 

In one of your posts you made it sound as though you wanted to 'experiment' with casual sex as it was something you hadn't done before.

 

If his is the case, find someone you don't think is 'special' and are unlikely to get attached to.

 

Tried sending you a personal message but you're not registered.

 

Fell free to cotact me anytime, I understand the pain of abandonment and rejection and we can talk more if you like.

 

Take care x

[beachbabi]

Originally posted by squirrel

Regardng your situation, I'm really sorry but from the info you've given, I think he got what he wanted then lost interest ie he wasn't really interested and had other options elsewhere he preferred to pursue.

 

Ouch, I know that must hurt, I'm sorry, could be wrong of course as we're not inside his head but I can see you getting attached and hurt as already you are investing a lot of emotion into his guy.

 

 

Thanks for your feedback on my situation. Yeah, the situations are different, but some aspects are similar. I just haven't gone into detail about everything that did or didn't happened.

 

 

In one of your posts you made it sound as though you wanted to 'experiment' with casual sex as it was something you hadn't done before.

 

If his is the case, find someone you don't think is 'special' and are unlikely to get attached to.

 

 

Yeah i know what you are saying here. Finding someone i don't think is 'special' is exactly what i was thinking about this person. Dispite my many mixed thoughts about this person. There are quite a few things that tell me he's not someone i'd see for a long time or seriously anyway. But as a bit of fun, for sure.

 

 

Tried sending you a personal message but you're not registered.

 

Fell free to cotact me anytime, I understand the pain of abandonment and rejection and we can talk more if you like.

 

Take care x

 

I just sent you a private message via my other account. I couldn't get into it before. Anywayz, i hope to hear from you soon.

 

Best wishes.

:-)

[candicitten]

First of all you need to decide if you actually want him, whilst reading your post i kept changing my mind as to whether you did or not perhaps your indesicive. so i think the problem is you're blowing hot and cold and therefore hes taking a step back to let you sort it out (leaving the ball in your court as such) and perhaps even playing a little hard to get ?! do you think this could be the case? obviously you know the situation alot better than me. Can i ask how old you are?

 

hope that helped, just my opinion xx

[squirrel]

thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my message candi. to answer your question i was confused at the time whether i wanted more or not but now, yes, i realise i would have liked to taken the friendship onto another level and that i did actually have felings for him.

 

there has been minor contact between us since but that has only been because i texted him and it has taken him a few days to reply. there was one attempt by him to call but my phone was on voicemessage and he hasnt replied to a text i sent last tuesday where i told him there was someone at work i fancied but who had the same name as my (now) ex b/f. it was my way of letting him know i had split with my ex and was available but i realise now it wasn't a very bright move as i'm telling him i'm interested in somone else.

 

i've made so many stupid moves and have only myself to blame. still, the summer's here and i am meeting lots of lovely new guys and i'm done with feeling pain over him anymore.

 

whether, as you suggest, he is playing hard to get, i think the length of time he let go without making contact probably suggests not and that he just moved on. i did suggest that since meeting things had changed between us and he just replied with "dont be daft". i'm not sure if he realises that i am trying to let him know i'm interested by trying to keep in contact but he's no longer interested so avoiding me or whether he's clueless. i cant see him pursuing again though, all the signs suggest that, and i cant keep pursuing him as it looks desperate on my part so stale mate really.

 

thanks anyway for your suggestions candi.

 

take care.

[squirrel]

Oh and we're both in our early 30's, too old to be playing games..