Mom saw ex behind my back

[anewme]

Okay...I've posted before about how my mom and I have had a strained relationship going on 15 years now. I am at a point where I know myself, and I know to keep her at arm's length is best. It is the only way to not get sucked in and end up hating myself.

 

That being said, I just found out that last week she met with my ex-husband while he was in town (he called to tell me). I guess she gave him a letter, but they ended up talking for a long time, and he read me some stuff from the letter...things like that she can't ever feel towards anyone how she felt towards him...everyday is filled with saddness...etc. I think she also made some stuff up, or maybe not made it up, but has an extreme misperception of my life and he was like "uh, that's not what I've gathered when I've talked to her". She actually badmouthed my new boyfriend to him, at which point he spoke up for me. Even though he is an ex, we still have respect for each other. We don't really talk, and I haven't seen him in 2 years. Yes, it was 2 years ago and my mom still can't get over it. I really don't know what to do. I don't really want to confront her because I don't think that anything I say will matter (it hasn't yet).

 

IN her mind, she is right and just. She told him to not tell me they spoke, because she new I would be furious, yet she went ahead and did it because it's something she "needed" to do. I was not able to grieve him properly (he left me), because she was such a wreck. She wanted answers, answers I didn't and still don't have. She would ask me if I thought he missed them (my parents) and if i thought he thought of them often...I was like, um, I don't know? What I needed was a mom to tell me "Don't worry. This was bad, but you'll meet someone much better, you deserve better". Instead it has been very much "he was so wonderful, we will never meet anyone like him again, etc." Of course, he cheated on me and dumped me on my ass out of the blue one day.

 

My ex told me it was as though he had divorced her, not me. He is a kind person, and very tolerant, so I understand why he would have agreed to see her, even though he thought it was weird. My family WAS his family as his mom had passed away early on in our relationship. But still....I really don't know what to do. I think there is some mental illness on my mom's side. She's always been nutty, but this is the icing on the cake. Her sisters are crazy, her mom was a selfish snot. I am trying hard to be a good person and do the best with what life has been given me. I have found love again, and am independent, healthy and happy. But this is tearing me apart inside.

 

I think my ex symbolized someone that my mom wished she had had, not that she doesn't love my dad, but he doesn't have "Status" nor is he well-off, but he is the nicest man in the universe. She is like obsessed with my ex and I don't know what to do. I am supposed to see her this weekend, and I don't want to say anything partly because I am at a total loss for words, but also because other family will be there and I don't want to make them uncomfortable, but I don't think I can be within 20 feet of this woman. Help!

[anewme]

Really? No one has anything to say?

[Angelina Nisse]

What a bizarre story - it sounds like your Mother actually is in love with your ex-husband!

 

Whatever event you're supposed to see your Mom at; I would cancel it and/or just not go..."something suddenly came up," whatever - what with this weirdness going on, I just wouldn't subject myself to that!

 

Sounds like you're on the right track to keep your distance, for sure.

[suga]

Your mom is just like mine, master manipulater.

 

Our moms need to get a life of their own.

 

My mom does the same thing to me, acts so sweet and nieve and caring and so worried about me all the time, if I push her away Im being mean to her and should feal sorry, its all a big act to weasle her way to what she wants to happen, to her I am hers and she wants me under her thumb, doesnt care if I am happy or sad about anything as long as it pleases her, end of story.

 

The other guy probably kept you closer to her than the new guy does since he was so close to your parents.

 

Tell your mom if she wants the ex that she can have him, and to stop abusing her parental power.

[curiousnycgirl]

I wouldn't even bring it up - why bother? What good would it do? She clearly has issues, no reason to make them yours. If you ex wants to continue a relationship with her then fine, it doesn't have to have anything to do with you.

 

My mother would pull something like this too. If it were my brother or sister, they would fly off the handle, have a huge fight and everything would be stormy. I've never understood that. Nothing ever changes or gets better - her behaviour continues.

 

I have always been the one to stay as far away from a fight as possible. I just let things go. And keep my mother at a distance that I can live with (not physical distance, I just limit her involvement in my life).

 

You need to figure out what will work best for you - but I always ask myself what benefit can I get out of doing something, if the answer is none, I don't bother doing it.