Jesika Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 I wrote this in another "topic area" and was told it would help more if I put it here ...........so here goes..........this is what I posted last night. Ok, well I will try to summerize......... I have been dating this guy for about 2yrs, and we live together. Our relationship is wonderfull in all aspects except in the bedroom. I have a much higher "drive" then he does and this is the only thing we ever fight about. So, we compromised and agreed at least once a week we would have sex. Well, I am trying to be patient.......but instead of it working it is getting worse. I am 9yrs older then he is so it is hard for me to understand how he doesn't want sex as much as I do. It is always the same excuse............I am tired. That has been the same reason everytime I have brought this up. I have tried everything..........yelling, not yelling, strip teases, leaving him alone about it (which resulted in 3 weeks without), compromising, threatening to leave, or move out. I don't know what else to do.........this is our only problem or fight we have. Well, I have ranted enough.........hope you have some advice cause I am at a loss of what to do. Jes (sorry for the links that came up.....didn't know how to make the smileys appear or go away when I copy and pasted the post here) Link to post Share on other sites
Deanster Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Hiya Jess! Sometimes I think there should just be a section here where all the mis-matched libido posters can find each other. There's a ton of threads here with similar discussion - if you haven't already, you might take a look and see if any of them speak to your issues. I'm in a similar situation with my wife, and like most of these situations, it's not very pretty - most other interests, activities, and priorities you can find a way to work around in a relationship, but sex and money (and kids, if you hit that point), are just about the only things that really need to be worked out between the two of you. My observation is that most couples with a significant mismatch never really reach a 'resolution' where everyone feels like things are great. Some do reach some kind of acceptable compromise, where nobody's all that unhappy; many others don't get much of anywhere. Ultimately, it's like anything else - you need to figure out if this issue by itself is enough to cause you to move on. You can also decide to cheat, see if inviting your girlfriends over to join you piques his interest, or whip out the handcuffs... but if none of these solves the problem in the long term, you'll need to decide if it's enough to cause you to leave. Best of luck with this difficult issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jesika Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 I am bisexual and have thought about inviting another in the bedroom......I know he would enjoy that.........but then I don't think I would....since he isn't interested untill someone new is in the room. Plus.....I have done many threesomes and not a single one has turned out good......except if I was the one invited in.........didn't bother me at all. I have told him that I don't want to cheat.........and I haven't with him. I have in the past but the guy never knew.....it was for me not to lash out at them. I really don't want to do that, but I feel I am running out of options and am tired of having the fight with him. *frustrated* Thanks for the advice every little bit helps. FYI........I was a stripper for many years so I am not shy or reserved in any way, but when I ask him if he wants to do something different and have tried....nothing really changes or he is just happy with the way things are...........as I hurt all by myself, he is living just as happy as can be. Jes (just wanted to add.........I don't think he is cheating cause I have investigated and found nothing) Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 As Deanster said, many others in the same boat. And like I am with the others, I'm struck by the inherent contradiction in saying that "our relationship is great except for the sex". How can that be? Kind of like saying "all my organs are in great shape except for the heart". That's a pretty significant exception and one, like the bedroom, that can bring everything else to a grinding and permanent halt. Some people, simply put, just aren't very sexual. That can be due to a number of reasons - physical, chemical, emotional, situational, spiritual, etc. If you eliminate that your BF is doing this to manipulate you or piss you off, one of the above (or a combination) probably applies. The question you need to ask yourself is how much effort and energy you're willing to invest in finding out what's going on. Hope it works out... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
love necessity Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Hi Jess. Welcome to LoveShack. You came to the right place. I totally understand where you're coming from. I can actually compare myself to your bf, because I'm just now starting to enjoy sex all over again. My problem was that I was embarrassed of my body, because I gained a lot of weight. Not so much anymore, because I have been working for a few weeks now, and it has really improved the image I have of myself. Is your bf over weight? Or is there anything going on in his life that is causing him feel depressed? Depression will really do a number on ones sex life, I've been there. Also, if he's on any antidepressants, they can sometime lower a persons sexual desire. Another funny, but very possible reason could be that he masturbates excessively? LOL?? I would talk to him about it, and ask him what's really going on. Is this his first relationship with a woman who is older than he is? How old are guys, if you don't mind me asking? Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Jess , I have had similar problems with my s/o . After years of fighting / not fighting, strip teases, toys, oils, lotions, lingere. ect , and months at a time with no sexual interest from my partener. We bought bicycles and started doing more physical things together . Within a month or so my parteners libido perked right up and our sex life became as frequent as I would like . I found it just took getting physical in general to coax it out of him. Link to post Share on other sites
lephac Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 i had the same situation with my husband. it's very frustrating and at times i felt defeated wanting to give up. then something quite simple happenned with us. we got on the same schedule. i used to always be a couple hours behind him. he needed to be at work by 7am. i didn't need to get in till 9. i also slept much later then he did. i ended up getting a new job and as a result the sex came much easier. not sure if this applies to you, but it was the thing that got us going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jesika Posted August 12, 2007 Author Share Posted August 12, 2007 Sorry I haven't written back sooner, work gets in my way . Love........no he isn't overweight......and I am 31 he is 23. This is the longest relationship he has been in and yes I am the first one this much older. This is my first relationship with someone so much younger. He isn't on anti-d's, but I am. As far as the masterbating thing......I have asked and he says he does, but not in excess. Congrats on building you self-esteem......feels great huh? Tink..............That is a really good suggestion.......thanks. Lephac.............That is something he keeps bringing up is he doesn't get enough sleep, and we are on opposite schedules.........and I get that when we are working........but on his day off......I would hope he would take advantage of not having to get up early and have some play time. But I do need to keep that in mind........thank you. Mr Lucky...............I do belive my "drive" is just higher........always has been.....but going almost a month without........I am almost pulling my hair out. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 Yeah, I like tinks suggestion. However, what about porn? I can't imagine a guy watching a good porn movie and not wanting it soon after. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jesika Posted August 13, 2007 Author Share Posted August 13, 2007 Directx...........personally porn makes me laugh, but my bf is kinda shy still about things like that. I'm sure it wouldn't help if I was laughing while watching. Good suggestion though, maybe I can buy him a movie to watch before I get home. Link to post Share on other sites
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