Gave him another chance but doubting myself

[TheFaithfulWife]

I posted sometime back about my cheating husband. He had an affair with a woman scout leader and after 8000 dollars in counseling we ended back together. There is still an enormous amount of hurt on my end even tho this happened almost 5 years ago. I still can't seem to trust him again.

 

If he was the hubby who stayed home on weekends or was attentive and loving I would not be so suspicious. He goes to a sea scout base and says he will return by 5 pm then arrives back home around 9.

 

He is always gone and even hurt me deeply by not scheduling any vacation time for me and him even though I asked him to. He took all his vacation and went to camp with three of our boys on separate occasions. When I mentioned that It would be fun to go to the ocean he informed me that he had no remaining vacation time.

 

Recently he told me that our relationship was suffering from my lack of trust in him. This was after our oldest son got into a car accident and I tried to contact husband at the sea scout base and they claimed that he hadn't been there all day. He claims he was in one of the hangars and the guys didn't realize he was there working on repairing a boat.

 

I felt that I was justified in questioning him on his whereabouts. He feels that he has given me no reason to be suspicious in the last 4 years.

 

I have not been happy in the past few years and find myself craving more. I feel sad when he and I are apart and I fear divorce would be a mistake but than again I am not happy .. so where does this leave me?

We have 5 boys and they are part of the reason I let him stay.

[kirikat]

I dont mean to be unkind, but you know the answer here.

 

If he were truly sorry for his behavior, you would never need to hunt him down again. He would make SURE you had NO reason to mistrust him.

 

After cheating on you, being physically and emotionally absent, turning it around and making it your fault is emotional abuse.

 

Get a lawyer.

[jmargel]

At some point in time you need to say enough is enough and cut your losses. A marriage will not work if only one person puts 100% into it. His lack of communication and his previous cheating is grounds for you to question him. Often cheaters will try to turn the tables around and put their spouse on the defensive so that they can deflect the real issues. This is what he is doing to you.

 

When you tolerate his behavior he is going to continue to do it. Unfortunetly people change over the years, some for the best, some for the worst. IMO you need to start setting short term goals for yourself and start making yourself happy. What are you really getting out of this marriage? When was the last time you felt truly happy? I believe deep down you feel that you deserve better, however you must make that first move to break away from this marriage to achieve this.

 

He continues to mistreat you even after he cheated and even after counseling. Sounds like the communication between you two could be damaged beyond repair. If you leave this marriage, you know you will have a clear conscious and that you tried everything possible. Sounds like he has issues that he needs to resolve within himself that you cannot fix. Start doing things for yourself now. Make yourself happy.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sorry to see how cheating has continued to affect you and your marriage. If only there was a way to compact all these terrible feelings into a pill and force the cheater to swallow it dry so he can begin to have a clue of the damage it does.

 

No doubt in order for the marriage to survive you have to learn to trust him again but he also has to step up to the plate and do his part to earn your trust back.

 

What is the age spread of your 5 boys? Is there anyway you can leave the marriage and handle some form of joint custody?

 

Also, have you considered an alternative of making him take care of the boys on the weekends, while you take the time off and have your own mini-vacations with friends?

[TheFaithfulWife]

Well I went to my moms on Sunday and while me and the kids were gone he packed up and moved to a duplex here in town.

Came as a shock to me actually. We had begun to get along again and he was staying home more.

Since he has been gone our conversations have gotten better and we seem to be communicating which I find odd. He claims to have no one else in his life right now and the fact that he is spending all his free time from work on the phone with me, leads me to believe he is telling the truth.

I am so confused.

He took the cowards way out by not discussing that he was leaving, but he claims that he couldn't find a way to tell me.

 

He hasn't yet said he wants a divorce but he sometimes talks about the kids future and mine as if he is planning to.

22 years and five boys is difficult for me to imagine not being with him, even though he did cheat on me once. I still gave him another chance.

 

I feel lost and hurt and confused...

 

I have never really lived alone, moved from parents right in with him and aside from the separation we had after the affair, I have never been by myself.

 

I don't know how I am going to handle it, I have a 20 year old who is going away to college in a month and I will be left alone with 4 boys 14, 12, 9, 7/

The stress is already building in me

How do I get through this?

[Trimmer]

Faithful -

 

First of all, take a deep breath. It's not all going to be easy, but it's all going to be OK.

 

I can't compare my situation exactly to yours (I'm a man, and I have only 2 kids...) but there are some similiarities. My first overwhelming concern was whether I could be a father - and still do it well enough - on my own without my wife. This scared the heck out of me at first. Ultimately, over time (and pretty quickly at that...), I established a rhythm and have regained my confidence, and even found a new confidence that I could get through this myself, which I would never have expected to need to do.

 

To you, this is all new and fresh and shocking, but I think you'll find that you will rise to the occasion. Realize that it will take some time to establish a steady course - give yourself that time. You don't need to be perfect every moment; again, give yourself some time to adjust and don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Your kids will need some time too, but I think they are also getting old enough that they can start to carry some responsibility around the house, too. There's a balance to be struck here. You don't want to relax your parenthood so much out of guilt that discipline and standards go off the deep end, but on the other hand, you don't want to tighten the reins to a degree that they feel punished for their father's departure. I think of it as holding them to "loving high standards."

 

"Obviously things are going to be different around here, but we're still a family, and I'll need help from everyone [according to age-appropriate abilities] but we're all in this together as a family, and I know we can do it." They will take their cues from you, and if you can show confidence (even if it's a front for a while) that will give them an anchor, and help them get their bearings.

 

I don't know how your husband will be as a separated father - my wife left me, and over the last couple years, I am glad to say that we have maintained the cooperative, supportive relationship as parents that we had when we were together, even as our relationship as spouses has disappeared. A useful part of this for me was accepting that my spouse was gone, and committing to a goal that I would maintain a good relationship with her as a parent. Your situation is so fresh that you may not be quite at that point yet, but in thinking about your future, just know that it is possible. It takes intention on the part of both parents, but it's not particularly hard to do if both consciously intend to maintain a good parental relationship, and both can eventually set aside the spousal difficulties when it's time to "be a parent."

 

It sounds like he is communicating well, so whichever way things turn out, I hope this bodes well for maintaining a cooperative parental relationship as things go forward. I guess the same kind of goes for him as the kids: hold him to a reasonable high standard, in terms of your expectations of him in his role as a father, for the sake of the kids.

 

What was your parental relationship like? Was it pretty much you taking care of the kids and the household? If so, then you mostly have all the skills and experience you need to handle things alone anyway. (I absolutely do not mean to minimize the difficulty of these tasks; I'm trying to give you the confidence, and help you see that you can do this...) If he was a significant contributor to the care of the kids, etc. then a joint custody type of situation might work out well, which may ease your workload somewhat, too. When we separated, I told my wife that I insisted on being involved in no less than half of my kids lives, but that I expected her to be involved in no less than half as well (implying a 50/50 parenting arrangement) and this has worked out well for us - at least, as "well" as you can imagine, in the context of splitting up a household.

 

Well, there will be lots more as time goes on. This is probably a huge shock stage right now (or is it? Do you kind of feel like, in the big picture, this isn't all that surprising, or is it still totally a shock?) Things may be up and down emotionally, and logistically things will be a little crazy at first, but like I said earlier: take a breath, it will be OK.

 

Let us know how things are going...

[EnigmaXOXO]

I have never really lived alone, moved from parents right in with him and aside from the separation we had after the affair, I have never been by myself.

 

Much like you, I never had the opportunity to venture out on my own until after my divorce. At nineteen, I moved from my parents home right into my marital home. Daughter to wife and mother without so much as experiencing anything in between. I was scared too, but determined, and let me tell ya ... once I settled in and the residual anxiety subsided it was the most enlightening and empowering life experience I ever had. Not only did I manage to land on my feet and survive ... but for the first time in fifteen years I discovered who “I” was outside the context of a relationship and THRIVED. Even when struggling to pay the bills, work a new full time job, than get to my evening classes on time, and finding the time and energy on the weekends to take care of the house ... every day was a new adventure. And every challenge I met was a welcomed lesson in self discovery.

 

While I know you can’t see around that dark corner yet, there IS life on the other side. And it can be absolutely WONDERFUL. You will land on your feet. They tried to tell me the same thing, and even though I was doubtful, they were right. You’d be surprised at how capable each and every one of us are when we’re facing the odds and have no other choice.

 

I don't know how I am going to handle it, I have a 20 year old who is going away to college in a month and I will be left alone with 4 boys 14, 12, 9, 7/

 

The best advice I could possibly offer you is to hire an attorney. Depending on the marital laws pertaining to your state, what your husband has done ( leaving you and the children behind to move out without notice or legal separation agreement in place) might be considered “abandonment”. Check that one out. Also, because you have been married for more than ten years, you will likely be entitled to spousal support in addition to child support. Also, discuss with your attorney the likelihood of you securing a “non-modifiable” clause in regard to alimony. At this stage in the game, it will difficult for you juggle a full-time job any time soon while financially maintaining the CHILDREN’S home and being left with the sole responsibility of being primary care taker of FOUR minor children. Unless of course, you could work out an agreement to split the cost of a Nanny or care provider to help you out while you better your chances of securing gainful employment by attending adult education courses or college classes.

 

And I say the “Children’s home” because that is how the courts will view it. It is in the best interest of the children that they not be uprooted from a stable home environment if at all possible. They will usually work to insure that the children and their primary caretaker (custodial parent) are able to remain inside the family home if feasibly possible.

 

Of course, my input is only to remove any fear or doubt you might have regarding the unknown future. There are options (and PLENTY of them) and you’ll learn just what they are once you seek professional council and help. Armed with the facts, you’ll feel better prepared and more confident about what ever choice you make. Meanwhile, you are certainly not “stuck” in an unhealthy relationship or situation simply because you think you can’t afford to remove yourself from it. However, if you decide you want to continue working on your marriage that is always an option for you, too. But better to pick Lady Jane’s brain for some of the best advice when it comes to navigating that courageous road.

 

Good Luck, TFW with whatever you decide. And remember, no matter what ... you WILL survive.

[TheFaithfulWife]

I want to thank you for the words of encouragment.. It was also nice to see things from a mans point of view Trimmer.

I do have my education to fall back on. I worked as a Registered Dental Assistant for 8 years during the first part of my marriage, but I left my profession as I had more children.

I have gained some weight I need to lose before I resume my career. It is unfortunate but most dentists are very strict about their employees being able to work in tight areas easily.

 

I will need to think things out and I so appreciate all you have given me to work with.

I will keep you posted on what happens next and will scream loudly if I need any help:p