Still in shock

[Grace112]

I am afraid that I spoke only of the first 3 years of our relationship and did not give justice to the last 2 years. I truly believe that he was successfully faithful once we became engaged. He told me he was going to give an honest effort of it as he didn't want to lose me again. I know he's turned down offers from other women and has pointed out he was engaged. Despite the rocky first 3 years, I believe he honestly loved me and wanted to do right by me. His side of the story is that my apprehension is what pushed him away. Granted, I think I had some reason to be somewhat trepidacious but obviously this hurt him as he was doing his best to stand by me. I wish I had more faith. If I did, I don't think he would've gone to his co-worker and started calling her and vice-versa. I didn't mean to push him away. I moved forward with the wedding plans because I had faith in him and in us. I believe we are meant to be together. Asking him about his co-worker was obviously the last straw and I wish I could take it back. How do you make someone see you understand what went wrong when they don't want to see you at all?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Grace, don't start doubting and blaming yourself for the relationship's failure.

It's easy to blame yourself because it gives you a good reason for his behavior. But it's not going to help you.

 

There is no point in trying to get him to "see you for who you are". He already knows. He's not a stranger - he knows you and he knows how much effort you've made.

 

And still, he chose to be with someone else. I'm surprised you're blaming yourself.

 

He had already cheated several times on you, in the relationship. He called off the wedding and then he actually said to a girl that "he wanted to date her all along, but was afraid he'd incur your wrath". And you still don't see this a**hole for who he is??

 

This will sound blunt, and I don't mean it in a bad way - but quit being the doormat, Grace. You've been subserviant too long. Your only fault in this entire story is that you let him walk over you all the time.

 

I completely understand how painful it is to go through what you're going through. And we are all here to support you and help you through it. But you have to start with helping yourself first. Recognize yourself for who you are, and recognize him for who he is.

[Grace112]

This Too Shall Pass - I don't think you were being blunt. I need to read those sort of things. I'm sitting here crying about a man who has already proudly declared himself in a relationship with another woman 6 weeks after he called off our wedding. I feel pathetic. He hasn't spent one second of the past few weeks thinking about me while I am sitting here mourning my loss. I had to walk away from a group dinner because I couldn't keep a straight face any longer and just had to come upstairs to cry. My therapist says I need to just get past the wedding date and I'm hoping that's what I need because I can't bear to feel this pain any longer. All I want to do move past this because I know he doesn't want me any more. Even if he saw the pain that I continue to be in he wouldn't care. I just have to get past this.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

This Too Shall Pass - I don't think you were being blunt. I need to read those sort of things. I'm sitting here crying about a man who has already proudly declared himself in a relationship with another woman 6 weeks after he called off our wedding. I feel pathetic. He hasn't spent one second of the past few weeks thinking about me while I am sitting here mourning my loss. I had to walk away from a group dinner because I couldn't keep a straight face any longer and just had to come upstairs to cry. My therapist says I need to just get past the wedding date and I'm hoping that's what I need because I can't bear to feel this pain any longer. All I want to do move past this because I know he doesn't want me any more. Even if he saw the pain that I continue to be in he wouldn't care. I just have to get past this.

 

I know, it's really difficult to go through something like this. It does hurt when you've been completely sincere in your approach and did everything you could, and the other party decides to take that for granted.

 

It's still recent...so there's no way you'll be feeling upto social events. It will take a while for you to be able to laugh or even talk without consciously feeling the pain just underneath the surface.

 

You've attached a lot of importance to the 15th (naturally). Perhaps once that date passes, the finality of the situation will sink in, like your therapist says. However, in my opinon, it will take a few months to be able to stop thinking about it and hurting almost every minute.

 

The important thing is to know that this is NOT the be-all and end-all of your life. One day you will reach a stage of being completely indifferent to him. He's already wasted precious years of your life - you're not going to waste any more of your time, your energy, and your sincerity on someone like him.

 

If it helps any, read back on all the posts in this thread when you're feeling particularly low.

 

And keep posting here, we will be glad to be of any help.

[sedgwick]

Grace, I just wanted to tell you that the same thing just happened to me, except we weren't engaged and had been together just under a year. Still, I was 100% positive I had found my husband. It was very sweet and very passionate literally up until the very last minute. The night before we had great sex and during it he said I love you. And then the next morning over breakfast he broke up with me, saying he just wasn't as sure about it as I was because he thought maybe he needed to be with another musician. (Not anyone in particular, just a musician.) I was stunned. He even sat and ate breakfast while I cried. I was absolutely devastated.

 

That was two months ago. We've talked a couple of times since then, and he basically contradicted everything he said. The first time it was all I love you and we're a good couple and someday we'll run away together but just not now, and the second it was I still love you but I felt like I might fall out of love with you so I broke up before that happened, and in a year I'm leaving the city, and I can't believe you of all people don't know things change. It's been two months and I'm just starting to come out of the shock. What has helped is really doing a very honest assessment of what was good and bad about the relationship -- like sitting and writing it down. He was very sweet, but he also had a really hard time making decisions in general. In the end I think he got scared, and rather than decide to really commit, he just bailed. I am finally starting to believe my friends when they say it didn't have anything to do with me, it was all about him. I know that I was the best girlfriend I could possibly be, and I was a damn good one. There was nothing more I could have done.

 

The thing is, we deserve better. We really do. I've had two long-term relationships (6 yrs and 3 yrs), the breakups were fairly amicable, and I'm still good friends with both of them. This tells me that it *is* possible to find those guys. Now I just have to find the one who's going to stick around for good!

[justfine]

This Too Shall Pass - I don't think you were being blunt. I need to read those sort of things. I'm sitting here crying about a man who has already proudly declared himself in a relationship with another woman 6 weeks after he called off our wedding. I feel pathetic. He hasn't spent one second of the past few weeks thinking about me while I am sitting here mourning my loss. I had to walk away from a group dinner because I couldn't keep a straight face any longer and just had to come upstairs to cry. My therapist says I need to just get past the wedding date and I'm hoping that's what I need because I can't bear to feel this pain any longer. All I want to do move past this because I know he doesn't want me any more. Even if he saw the pain that I continue to be in he wouldn't care. I just have to get past this.

 

 

 

Grace,

 

 

You have no idea how lucky you are. You just dodged a bullet. Had you gone thru with the wedding, I guaranteed within a year, you'd be looking at divorce.

 

Celebrate!

[Curious139]

I agree with Justfine - you are lucky to get out. It mght not sem that way but ask yourself - would you really want to be with someone who treated you like this? You deserve much better.

 

Hugs.

[Grace112]

So here I am 4 days before the supposed wedding date. I'm feeling sad and wistful. I'm feeling a little scared and lost. I'm wondering when he's not going to be the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and before I go to bed. It's a strange strange week. I have spent all year looking forward to it and now that it's here - to say it's not what I expected would be a major understatement.

 

I re-read his last e-mails over the weekend. All of them carried the same sentiment - "I did absolutely everything I could and I couldn't make you happy so I have to throw in the towel and walk away," That sentiment simply wasn't true. Everything he could? How is calling the girl we argued about every time I was at Pilates or out to dinner with my friends helpful for our relationship? Even if it was innocent, he shouldn't have been hiding it knowing that I had my suspicions. Everything he could? He would've made it through more than 1 1/2 therapy sessions and not lied to his friends about the "weeks and weeks of counseling" we had been through. Everything he could? WE would've talked. WE would've discussed our feelings and what was going on. WE would've figured out a way to make things better.

 

It's so tough because part of me is so hurt and angry that he decided and gave up without me. The other part of me longs for all the good that I knew that we had. There was a time that he loved and adored me. There was a time he bragged about me to his friends and to his family. There was a time where he too believed that we would be happy together for the rest of our lives. It's so sad and disappointing. I would've fought through just about anything to make things right between us again and now I'm sitting here gathering the strength to move on past everything I thought was going to be.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

So here I am 4 days before the supposed wedding date. I'm feeling sad and wistful. I'm feeling a little scared and lost. I'm wondering when he's not going to be the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and before I go to bed.

 

Eventually, you will. You know this is going to be a particularly difficult week. But this week and the 15th will pass, too. Brace yourself for feeling low...you'll actually feel much stronger if you do that.

 

 

I re-read his last e-mails over the weekend. All of them carried the same sentiment - "I did absolutely everything I could and I couldn't make you happy so I have to throw in the towel and walk away," That sentiment simply wasn't true.

 

You know that's not true, and he knows it's not true, too. He was being the weasel and gave you a sorry excuse. It's pathetic, so don't even waste your time giving any credit to his statement by giving any thought to it.

 

It's so tough because part of me is so hurt and angry that he decided and gave up without me. The other part of me longs for all the good that I knew that we had. There was a time that he loved and adored me. There was a time he bragged about me to his friends and to his family. There was a time where he too believed that we would be happy together for the rest of our lives. It's so sad and disappointing. I would've fought through just about anything to make things right between us again and now I'm sitting here gathering the strength to move on past everything I thought was going to be.

 

I know, it seems to be the toughest thing in the world right now. But eventually you'll see that you didn't really lose much. Right now, this guy still matters to you a lot. Later on, you'll find yourself not wanting to waste even a minute thinking about him. You'll be the gladdest person to not have married him.

 

Time will help put everything in perspective. This might sound trite, but trust that whatever happens, happens for the best.

 

Concentrate on doing other things to keep your mind busy. It's difficult, but it's possible once you realize that thinking about him is absolutely futile.

 

Keep posting here whenever you feel like it, it will help.

[Curious139]

Nice post This Shall Pass.

 

Grace, I can only think you have been saved from a sad marriage, difficult to see as it is at the moment. What has happened is that you have built a beautiful future in your mind only to have those dreams shattered and become a continuing nightmare. I really feel for you.

 

Once past the 15th you'll feel better I promise. We've all been there in various ways.

[Grace112]

I know I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I know I shouldn't want to be with someone who is already in a relationship with someone else. I know that I shouldn't want to be with someone who has such a propensity to lie. I know all of these things, but my heart still aches for him. There is a huge part of me that thinks that none of these things would've occurred had I been more of what he wanted. There was a time when he was willing to do anything for me so something caused him to turn around so quickly and so drastically. I understand that the past is in the past and that I can't change it, but so much of me still wants to. I think knowing that he is feeling so strongly for another hurts me so much because it means to me that he was ready and willing to have those types of feelings - just not for me and that just kills me.

[Grace112]

Is what he's feeling for this new girl real? 3 flights across the country to see her. I just don't understand how these feelings are so strong so soon for someone he spoke to over the phone for 2 weeks. So strong for her and absolutley nothing for me and the past 5 years... Is this for real? Was he really meant to find her and that's why it didn't work out for the 2 of us?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Is what he's feeling for this new girl real? 3 flights across the country to see her. I just don't understand how these feelings are so strong so soon for someone he spoke to over the phone for 2 weeks. So strong for her and absolutley nothing for me and the past 5 years... Is this for real? Was he really meant to find her and that's why it didn't work out for the 2 of us?

 

Oh Grace...I understand, it feels wretched to see that he is actually so taken up with someone else already.

 

But it's not because you're not as good as the new girl is. No, it's not that at all. What he's doing is all because of the initial rush of the "new thing". He'll be beside himself with the giddy rush, right now. It's typical.

 

He's at a super-charged "high" right now. He won't be able to sustain that for a long time. Pretty soon he'll run out of fuel and land back on the ground. And then the real relationship will begin - if at all.

 

Look, their relationship may or may not survive. It's impossible to tell at this time. But I can definitely say that it will take a LOT of hard work for them to sustain it for five years...like you did.

 

But that shouldn't be your concern, at this point. He is GONE, and he's done it despite knowing what a great person he had in you. Let him go. You have to stop caring about what he does. It's hard to do that, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

You're still you, Grace. Don't get mired in self-doubts. Be your own best friend, and don't lose faith in yourself just because he doesn't want to be with you. He shouldn't be the one to measure your life and your worth with.

[Jade 02]

Morning Grace,I know how you feel,and I am very sorry for you,I am going threw the same thing now,cept Im not getting married,IM allready married to the Jerk. Today is day 2 on our break up. Mine is a drunk,and I took a beating the other night,and holes in my walls,and all that crap. Its hard I know. I am haveing a hard time eating,working,and doing anything.

 

Just try to take it one day at a time hun,and try to stay busy. When I started cleaning my house the pain did ease up a lil even tho I was weak as can be. I even got online and talked to a couple of guys,and have a couple of lunch dates. I know Its too soon,and I dont even know if Im ready for that but It did ease the pain a lil.

 

I hope your pain goes away soon LORD KNOWS im feeling it too. Good luck hun,and really! Try to keep your mind accupied,It will help a lil.

Bless your heart

 

Jade

[Grace112]

Here it is September 18th and I'm feeling guilty. I'm writing here because I want to apologize to him and know it wouldn't make a difference. All that keeps flashing through my mind today is something I said to him 6 months ago - "I'm sorry I thought you were going to amount to something." It was awful and ugly and I wish I could take it back.

 

He was complaining about how so and so was being unfair and another person was giving him a hard time at work. My parents were of the mentality that when you do your best, no one can fault you for the job that you're doing. He and I worked together for over 3 years besides the fact that I was going to marry him, so I am aware of his work ethic. I was promoted over him and he had switched jobs every year after we worked together because he didn't think they were treating him fairly.

 

I know you're supposed to stand by your SO and support them in everything. I believed he could do anything he put his mind to and still believe it today. I just didn't think he was fully applying himself and it seemed like he was blaming others and not taking any responsibility for the quality of his work. I was frustrated and I was ugly. I should've kept my mouth shut and just sympathized with his plight. I know it really hurt him and I know that he really just wanted me to agree with him. He needs undivided support and I was wrong to criticize. The girl he's with now just wired him $1500 because he overdrew his bank account by that amount. I was so harsh and so blunt. If I was supportive like she is, maybe he wouldn't have gotten so angry with me and left.

[Jade 02]

Oh Grace,I know it hurts,but you can't keep blaming yourself hun,It's only going to make it harder for you. It's been 8 days since my drunk hubby left,and I still feel AWFULL(Being traded for a beer).

 

Just try to stay busy,It helps me really. Keep a positive attitude about yourself. Are you eating good? I am so so,Its hard.

HERES A BIG HUG ((((grace))))

 

Jade

[kirikat]

Grace - darling... I was married to your ex fiance.

 

You know that whole part about standing by your SO? The problems with money? The work ethic? The finding a new girl so quick?

 

You have a narcissist and addict on your hands.

 

You know what it led to? 2 bankruptcies. Unpaid taxes. Everything that he defaulted on in MY name, because he cant get credit.

 

Then, there are the lies... and guess who covers for those lies? Guess who would have spent her life, dodging the creditors?

 

When you love a narcissist, and they love you back it is the most intense feeling of adoration you will ever know! You know why? Its because they are looking in the mirror they see in your eyes.

 

You know why they stop loving you? You start seeing through the facade, and noticing the cracks, and they don't like what they are seeing in your eyes so much anymore, so they go find a new mirror.

 

Look up "narcissistic personality disorder" - and tell me how much of it rings a bell?

[Grace112]

Kirikat, I looked up narcissistic personality disorder on 3 different websites because I was floored by your description. The "mirror" you speak of makes so much sense. It's true - when I started calling out my fears about his responsiblity or lack there of with his money, with his job, and so on - that's when I began to feel his frustration with me. It really does feel like he went looking for someone to make him feel better about himself. The women that he's with now all think he's amazing and I'm sure that makes him feel wonderful. I just feel so guilty that I made him feel so bad. I know I need to stop wondering if I kept up my support of him that things would be different, but it seems based on this description it might have. I also know the ultimate question then is whether or not I would have been happy in that role for the rest of my life. I guess I'll never know for sure.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the resulting financial difficulties you had to endure. I can't imagine having to try to put your life back together after all of that. You're an amazing person for working through all of this and are an inspiration to me. Thank you.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Grace,

 

There's nothing you could've done more than what you already did. I've told you this before - stop blaming yourself. The "could, should, would" is useless and will not allow you to make any progress. What is done cannot be undone.

 

He probably was a narcissist among other things, so let someone else bear with him. The new girl might be supportive of him for a while, but she won't be able to keep up with it forever. If she does, she's a doormat.

 

The main issue though, is that you need to really stop thinking of the "what-ifs". I can very well understand how difficult it is, but really, you're letting yourself wallow in misery with your constant self-flogging.

 

Let him do what he wants to do, it is NONE of your business now. He can woo the girl, marry her, dance naked on the streets, jump off of the Statue of Liberty - YOU DON'T CARE. You don't need to care.

 

Maybe he is a narcissistic person, maybe he isn't - it's not YOUR problem now. Don't use your precious energy in the wrong place, Grace. You need it for yourself. Allow yourself to let go of him.

 

Much as it seems unlikely right now, you will eventually meet a much better person. This guy is definitely not the last person who you'll ever love, or who'll love you back. Trust me on that one. In fact, this will wisen you up enough to choose a better guy next time.

[kirikat]

Grace you need to stop thinking the "if only" - because ONLY AS LONG AS YOU CONSIDERED HIM TO BE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, FAULTLESS AND PERFECT would you have been able to keep his attention....

 

Except... after a while - he would lose respect for you, and would STILL need new mirror, because, well... you aren't perfect, and cannot give him his "perfect" reflection.

 

Someone NEW would have to do that, because, well... she will be a shiney NEW mirror, until he begins to get bored with her, and see that she TOO is not ther perfect mirror.... and so it goes.

 

And, of course the new girls think he is great. Grace, a narcissist has no core personality of his own. He manufactures his identity as needed, and will appear to be absolutely perfect with every new girl he meets.

 

Then of course, inconvenient FACTS begin to emerge, and she begins to doubt his godhood, and becomes imperfect.... so he will go find yet another new mirror.

 

Grace, he is a sick person. He has no identity of his own, he has a serious mental illness, and you cannot fix it. A narcissitic personality disorder is virtually irreparible, because the narcissist will manufacture a new personality to convince the therapist that his disorder is getting better...

 

(My ex went through this hysterically funny Yoga master enlightenment persona while he was in therapy. )

 

They dont do this on purpose, it is like a person who has no face, who simply keeps putting on new masks.

 

Grace, this is so sad, but the man you loved didnt exist. It was a PERFECT mask.... he wears a new one for each new girl...

 

If you can, please get some therapy - none of this was ever about you, I promise you. But this disorder makes people so capable of manufacturing a perfect person, the perfect love, the perfect romance... that it is really hard to get through by yourself. Its like being alice, coming out of the looking glass, and not knowing which world is real anymore... and you can no longer tell the difference between looking glass world and the real world.

[Grace112]

This Too Shall Pass - I know you're right. I shouldn't care about what he's doing now and I know that I cannot continue to live in the past. I understand that nothing that I can do or say at this point will change his mind and to that end I've gone almost 4 weeks without sending a text message. A friend told me anything that I tried to communicate to him would only make me look pathetic - which despite being depressing, I recognize to be 100% true.

 

I wanted to let you know that I appreciate you re-iterating your points. I need to repeat them to myself. I've tried "you don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with you", but perhaps the better mantra would be "he doesn't care anymore so let go". Either way - I think posting is helping and the responses help even more. Thanks.

[Grace112]

I know it's stupid but I feel like I can't breathe. I know she's going to be here on the same coast today, in the same state, in my former apartment and I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I know it doesn't make sense for me to care or even be affected to the point that I am - but I am. It's like his life is continuing on with someone else in my place and I'm trying to remember that exhale comes after inhale. I feel so lost and I know I've received wonderful advice on this board but this all feels so wrong. I just don't see how this is right for either of us. All that love and all that time shouldn't amount to nothing. It's just not right.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I know exactly what you mean when you say it's horrible to think of someone being happy and moving on while you're in misery...it makes me want to cry. Hugs.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I know it's stupid but I feel like I can't breathe. I know she's going to be here on the same coast today, in the same state, in my former apartment and I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I know it doesn't make sense for me to care or even be affected to the point that I am - but I am. It's like his life is continuing on with someone else in my place and I'm trying to remember that exhale comes after inhale. I feel so lost and I know I've received wonderful advice on this board but this all feels so wrong. I just don't see how this is right for either of us. All that love and all that time shouldn't amount to nothing. It's just not right.

 

Grace, sorry you're feeling so low. I was thinking about you on the 15th, actually - was wondering if you got though it okay.

 

I know what you must be feeling. All it takes one thought and bad timing to put your mind into a tailspin. This is a normal part of recovering, you'll go through emotional crests and troughs for a while. Just stick to the no-contact though, it's very essential.

 

Right now, relax. You need to distract your mind, and break this cycle of thoughts. It's late right now, so you probably can't go out for a walk or something. Can you call up a friend? Just general conversation, you know. Just to break this cycle of thoughts.

 

Can you go and live at a friend's place for a few days? Or maybe go to your parents' house? A change of location will be a good distraction. It really helps.

 

If not, then just go out by yourself everyday. Start some form of exercise, it will help tremendously. And you'll likely meet other people, which will be an added benefit.

 

It's not easy to understand how all this is "the right thing" at this time. Give it a few months, and you will eventually see it. If nothing, you'll at least feel enough dislike for him to warrant moving on.

 

It will be ok, Grace. You'll feel better than you're feeling right now, I promise you.

 

(And you're very welcome!)

 

 

Hugs,

 

TTSP

[wmrjw82]

I know it's stupid but I feel like I can't breathe. I know she's going to be here on the same coast today, in the same state, in my former apartment and I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I know it doesn't make sense for me to care or even be affected to the point that I am - but I am. It's like his life is continuing on with someone else in my place and I'm trying to remember that exhale comes after inhale. I feel so lost and I know I've received wonderful advice on this board but this all feels so wrong. I just don't see how this is right for either of us. All that love and all that time shouldn't amount to nothing. It's just not right.

 

It does make sense. You're human and you have a heart. You have feelings. And those feelings have been hurt as well. The only advice I can give you is to stick to No Contact. That is your stronghold and your haven. Your dignity. I've just completed 1 week of NC but for me, I know its the real deal and i'm going to stick with it. Come to this conclusion and you just might find some inner strength in you which you haven't known about to get you through this.

 

In my situation its hard to face the reality that its over. So I know where you're coming from and I completely feel for you. The quicker we can come to terms with it, the better off we will be. I wish you strength and i'll be following your thread.