Still in shock

[tinke]

grace,

hope you are feeling somewhat better...it takes time, but..it will happen!

 

even though you regret your words to him (as i'm sure most of us can relate), when you stand back and look at the big picture.......really, do you believe it was JUST that?

can someone leave an imminant marriage because of one sentence?

seems as though there was much more brewing with him, and he ran using your words as his excuse. in a healthy relationship, one would be able to discuss the discontent, etc. he chose to run.

 

please stop beating yourself over this. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! HE FOUND A WAY OUT, AND HE GRABBED IT.

 

i wholeheartedly agree that he (as mine) was looking for that regained instant adoration, and someone was delivering it.

 

let him carry the burden of what he has done, it was he, that walked away....

focus on you and your many wonderful qualities. remember YOUR value.

 

what has helped me, is to repeat...he just doesn't love me, period!

trust, in time, your feelings will begin to change.........................

he did not value your loyalty.

[Curious139]

Grace, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel so post your thoughts here to share. Write it down as well, get the words on paper, it helps. I realise you know that but reaffirmation of your thoughts is necessary to get rid of them.

 

As you know I broke NC and the result broke my heart and set me back at least a month. So you must go NC and keep to it. You have to be kind to yourself, don't set yourself up to be hurt, allow your heart to heal.

 

Hugs

 

C

[Grace112]

If I had to summarize what I've been feeling over the past few days it would be confusion. As I stated previously, my ex-fiancee began a relationship with a woman living on the East Coast shortly after we broke up. Knowing him and knowing his pattern, I wasn't shocked that he was already in another relationship. He didn't like being alone before and he sure wasn't going to be alone for long. What really strikes me, is the depth of his feeling for this new woman. Yes, he's still sleeping with other women, but he's also telling all of his friends how much he likes this new girl and how he's cut back because of his affection for her. He's actually gone to the extent of showing her picture off.

 

Yes, I feel jealous. Yes, I feel sad. But most of all, I'm just confused. How can he feel so much for someone he's seen twice? I still make the mistake of turning down the wrong street to my old place when I'm driving home from work and not thinking. I can't imagine where the thoughts and the feelings about me disappeared to. It's like we never happened. Where did the past 5 years go? Where did that need to spend the rest of his life with me vanish to? Where did his love for me go?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

If I had to summarize what I've been feeling over the past few days it would be confusion. As I stated previously, my ex-fiancee began a relationship with a woman living on the East Coast shortly after we broke up. Knowing him and knowing his pattern, I wasn't shocked that he was already in another relationship. He didn't like being alone before and he sure wasn't going to be alone for long. What really strikes me, is the depth of his feeling for this new woman. Yes, he's still sleeping with other women, but he's also telling all of his friends how much he likes this new girl and how he's cut back because of his affection for her. He's actually gone to the extent of showing her picture off.

 

Yes, I feel jealous. Yes, I feel sad. But most of all, I'm just confused. How can he feel so much for someone he's seen twice? I still make the mistake of turning down the wrong street to my old place when I'm driving home from work and not thinking. I can't imagine where the thoughts and the feelings about me disappeared to. It's like we never happened. Where did the past 5 years go? Where did that need to spend the rest of his life with me vanish to? Where did his love for me go?

 

How do you learn about his antics, Grace? Do you have common friends who fill you in?

 

I'd ask you to stop asking them about him. You don't need to know any more. Don't ask them what he's been upto, and tell them to not mention what he's been upto. You just don't want to know.

 

That's the first step to recovery. You need to stop cruising along the same path as him. Whatever he does with his life, you do not need to see or know. The more you know, the more it will hurt. Step off that path, because your life is separate from his, now.

 

I don't have a definite answer to "why he's so much into the new girl". I'd probably say it's a mixture of guilt and the "rush" of the new relationship.

Guilt because he knows he's hurt you terribly - and he's trying to escape that by convincing himself how great the new girl is. He's trying to find a reason to justify his actions. By showing how happy he is, and how wonderful the new girl is, he is making it seem allright.

 

The other reason is the rush of the new relationship. It's been what, 2-3 months? That's too early to call it a strong, steady relationship. You also mentioned something about the girl supporting him financially...that could be another reason for him to feel so "in love" with her. For him, it's all about himself. He'll have his needs met one way or the other.

 

 

Look at it from this perspective. You now know the kind of person he is, right? Selfish, unreliable, immature, and shallow. So why would you still love him? There are thousands of much better men out there. From a third person's point of view, he's really not all that. Don't give him more credit than he deserves.

 

And don't be in touch with what's happening in his life. You have better things to occupy your mind with.

[Curious139]

Yes, I feel jealous. Yes, I feel sad. But most of all, I'm just confused. How can he feel so much for someone he's seen twice? I can't imagine where the thoughts and the feelings about me disappeared to. It's like we never happened. Where did the past 5 years go? Where did that need to spend the rest of his life with me vanish to? Where did his love for me go?

 

Oh Grace I wish I had an answer for you but I'm asking the same questions. It is bewildering isn't it.

 

All I can suggest is the sensible words of TTSP -

 

But it's not because you're not as good as the new girl is. No, it's not that at all. What he's doing is all because of the initial rush of the "new thing". He'll be beside himself with the giddy rush, right now. It's typical.

 

He's at a super-charged "high" right now. He won't be able to sustain that for a long time. Pretty soon he'll run out of fuel and land back on the ground. And then the real relationship will begin - if at all.

 

Thats what I think my love is going through. She has never thought of herself as attractive (she is) and having firstly my attention and then finding a new "one" within days of looking, she will be in the stratosphere.

 

Time flattens out all relationships to reality. You really are better without him hard as it is to accept. Keep posting.

[Grace112]

Curious, I know it sounds pathetic, but there's still a huge part of me that's hoping that he will wake up and come back to me. I'm doing what I should - going out with friends, seeing a therapist, and exercising on a regular basis (I've lost over 10lbs). I am just having a difficult time coming to grips with the idea that we are truly over. We have broken up and gotten back together SO many times that it's hard for me to accept that this is the end of the road for us. I know I've seen him move on - I was there for him when the girl he cheated on me with left him. It's just - my actions - though regrettable - in my eyes weren't enough to throw away the past 5 years we had together. I still have hope for the 2 of us.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Nope, you're not pathetic. It's perfectly normal to have this secret hope that he'll come back. Most people in similar situations do that. The hope that an ex will somehow return to his/her senses and come back, is way more comforting than believing the cold finality that they never will.

It's not unsual to feel that way, Grace.

 

He's come and gone more than once in the relationship. That's a sure sign that the relationship was severely flawed and skewed.

 

For argument's sake, let's say he comes back. Do you think you'll still respect him or trust him? You probably won't. You'll just take him back because you'd feel thankful and relieved.

 

A good relationship is NOT like what you two had. This guy can't give you a steady, trustworthy relationship. See him for what he is. See the relationship for the absolute mess that it was. You do NOT want more of that.

 

You need to re-shape the way you think about him. That's your best bet. And again, whatever he does with his new relationship, you could care less. Don't look back. You don't want to hurt yourself any more.

[your star]

Curious, I know it sounds pathetic, but there's still a huge part of me that's hoping that he will wake up and come back to me. I'm doing what I should - going out with friends, seeing a therapist, and exercising on a regular basis (I've lost over 10lbs). I am just having a difficult time coming to grips with the idea that we are truly over. We have broken up and gotten back together SO many times that it's hard for me to accept that this is the end of the road for us. I know I've seen him move on - I was there for him when the girl he cheated on me with left him. It's just - my actions - though regrettable - in my eyes weren't enough to throw away the past 5 years we had together. I still have hope for the 2 of us.

 

Grace, I just read through your thread and I have to say that it made me very sad. I truly am sorry for the pain you are going through. I myself was in a long relationship (6 years) and he simply walked away. There was another person that popped up in the picture as the break up unfolded. The hardest part for me has been that he simply disappeared and I have not heard a word from him in 5 weeks now. The person who was there by our side for soo many years is gone. I don't even know who my ex is anymore. I believe that sometimes it's easier for them to cover up their pain and "pretend" they aren't affected. it's their way of dealing with the guilt that eats them inside. I beat myself up for awhile wondering if maybe if I would not done that or said this, he wouldn't have left. I also everyday just hope maybe he will stop and realize he made the worst mistake of his life. But what keeps me going is knowing I did the best I could and it is him who will have to live with the guilt of the way he handled things... and trust me being in a relationship that long, im sure he thinks about it.

 

I hope you hang in there. There are many of us who have a heavy heart but you have to just take one day at a time.

[Grace112]

your star - that is exactly my problem. I keep on reviewing all the awful things I said and did and wish I could take them back. I didn't understand what he meant by "keep pushing". I thought we were arguing just as we did. I didn't realize that he was contemplating his life without me.

 

I truly would take back so much of what I said and did that bothered him in the effort to repair things. I think I could've done things better and recognize I am a bit hung up because I want that chance. I just don't see how one day he could think that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and the next for that to disappear and be pining for someone new. It's just not right.

 

I appreciate your advice and am trying to get through day by day. I bought a plane ticket to Paris for New Year's yesterday because I am not waiting for another chance at a honeymoon before I get there. It's my way of hoping 2008 will be a good year for me.

[Sanslatete]

But when we lose the person we deeply love, they are still alive. We can contact them, speak to them, even touch them. But we cannot have them. They are gone from our lives. So the pain lives on and even worse, it is refreshed every time we have contact or some hope springs to life in our hearts.

 

It is sometimes worse than a death, to know that they're living and breathing and living their life without you, and probably not feeling as crappy. I think of my ex-GF all the time and it doesn't seem to be getting any less. I try to fool myself into thinking I can survive without her, but somewhere in my brain doesn't believe it yet. I'm still sad to think I've lost her and will have to live my life apart from the only person I've truly loved.

I hope there will be someone else in my life eventually to make this feel better and to make new memories, but my outlook is still bleak at the moment so it doesn't really feel like a possibility.

[your star]

your star - that is exactly my problem. I keep on reviewing all the awful things I said and did and wish I could take them back. I didn't understand what he meant by "keep pushing". I thought we were arguing just as we did. I didn't realize that he was contemplating his life without me.

 

I truly would take back so much of what I said and did that bothered him in the effort to repair things. I think I could've done things better and recognize I am a bit hung up because I want that chance. I just don't see how one day he could think that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and the next for that to disappear and be pining for someone new. It's just not right.

 

I appreciate your advice and am trying to get through day by day. I bought a plane ticket to Paris for New Year's yesterday because I am not waiting for another chance at a honeymoon before I get there. It's my way of hoping 2008 will be a good year for me.

 

I know it's hard, and trust me he threatened so many times that he was going to walk away because he couldn't handle the stress.. But if they really wanted to be there, they would of tried to work it out. In my case I see signs that he had left the relationship before he actually walked away. He just used that last argument as a way out. I know it's hard to think you'll never stop thinking about all those things, but you will slowly but surely. It's been 4 months since he actually left the relationship. And as time goes by all of my thoughts have slowly diminished. Someone once told me that for my own sanity I had to let go. Meaning I have to let go that I could not have done anything differently, he would of walked anyway. Maybe not that day, but he would of.

 

I still ask myself how one could tell me he loves me and wants to get married someday, to disappearing. He disappeared for almost a month right after the break up then came back for a few months.. now he with no has disappeared and I have not heard a word from him in over 5 weeks. Completely deserted me when I needed him, it's hard. I by no means can offer any advice, I just wanted to let you know others are out there with you, suffering. Hang in there..and take care of yourself.

[Grace112]

your star, I totally appreciate you sharing your story. It does help to know that other people are going through the same things. It makes me feel a little less lost.

 

Today is actually a better day for me. The more time that passes that I don't hear from him, the more it hurts because I'm further away from the place that I thought I'd be, but the more concrete it becomes that he's not coming back. I saw a picture of him today and I didn't think he was as attractive (physically and emotionally) as I used to. Sure, he doesn't photograph well, but this is the same guy that is able to lie at the blink of an eye and that's what makes him less appealing.

 

I'm definitely not at the point where I wouldn't consider taking him back, but I am starting to get to the point that I wouldn't want to be one of the number of women he's courting right now. I was going to be his wife, I know I shouldn't want to be just one of many. He wouldn't give up his lifestyle now and I know that I couldn't cope with it. It feels like progress for me so I wanted to share.

[Grace112]

I made myself sick today. I was having such a good day. I had a wondeful time in my pole dancing class that my roommate and I decided that we needed to purchase a pole to practice before next class. I went to a party afterwards and met some really cool people and even had a handsome guy flirt with me. After measuring the height from floor to ceiling in our apartment, I picked up my laptop so that I could place our order. Instead of going directly to the website, I stopped on Myspace and checked out "her" profile. She had a new front page picture up so I clicked to see the rest of her pictures. There was my ex-fiancee's gorgeous face smiling back at me. Caption 1 - "I have a boyfriend". Caption 2 - "and he's hot". I put my laptop down, ran to the bathroom, and proceeded to vomit. All these thoughts started rushing through my head, "Someone else is touching him". "Someone else is holding him". "Someone else is calling him her boyfriend." It made me so sick - I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, everything just came up and out of me.

 

I know I shouldn't have looked and that I am the one that made myself sick. I don't blame her at all for being proud. I'm jealous. He used to be with me and now - now he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. He couldn't care less about my heartache. I've been fighting my craving for him all weekend and now I can't get that lump out of my throat. If I could just turn back time.

[Grace112]

I am further and further confused by my ex-fiancee. He's telling people that I "probably cheated on him". Apparently, he "found out" in some awful way 2 weeks ago. I don't know what to think!

 

1) Does he really think that I cheated on him? For the record, that is the last thing in the world I would do. He bragged to my therapist (during 1 of our 2 couples sessions) that I wasn't a hypocrite and wouldn't hold him to any standard that I wouldn't hold myself to. There is nothing that would ever make me cheat on someone. I've been cheated on and would not impose that pain on anyone.

 

2) Is he projecting onto me what he's done to her? Did he feel so guilty about his current cheating that he's saying I did it in a way to confess what he's been doing?

 

3) Is he projecting onto me what he did to me? Could he have possibly cheated on me during our engagement and I didn't know about it?

 

4) Why am I still a topic of conversation with the 2 of them if we - as he said in his lie to her - that we broke up in April (rather than July)?

 

5) Why is he messing with my reputation? If I'm as awful as he said I was, why the need to come up with lies to further his case?

 

I don't understand why he finds the need to damage my reputation. I write on this board every few days missing him and wanting to fix things. Why is he saying I cheated on him?

[Grace112]

I'm stuck. I really don't know how to move forward. I'm continuing my exercise plan - at least 4 times a week, which includes my striptease/pole dance class. I'm showing up at work every day and being productive. I've made new friends and have reached out to old ones. I'm continuing therapy and have tried to reconnect with my family. I bought a plane ticket to Paris so that I can bring in 2008 in an amazing way.

 

Despite these small steps, I just want to be with him. I'm constantly thinking about how he's feeling, if he's missing me, and if he regrets his decision. I wonder about the new girlfriend and whether or not she's better for him than I am. I think about going over to see him and fantasize about what would happen if I did. Part of me thinks all these questions would be quelled if I just bit the bullet and put myself out there. The other part of me is afraid of how badly I would end up hurting myself in being that vulnerable in front of him again.

 

I know I need to let go, but I feel like I don't want to. I just want to get back to where I was. Where we were. Back together.

[Jade 02]

Morning Grace

I just was thinking about you,and have not been around here in a few days,so I wanted to check on you ,say hello,and let you know,I'm still

here with fingers crossed for you. See you soon

 

I know your good days are just around the corner hun.

 

Jade