quick needed for today!

[datingmum]

My fiance, well ex-fiance, decided to leave our home after our 2 year relationship because we'd been fighting and he felt like he was reliving his childhood. He suffers from extreme anxiety and can't handle normal stress, much less relationship power struggles and his family of origin is probably the worst example of a marriage ever.

 

I have two young daughters ( 5 & 6) who love him dearly and I always wanted it to be clear to him that I wanted to be married to him in the future. He proposed this Christmas, but when the talk of moving it forward began, he started to freak out.

 

Since leaving, he's been back and forth, he loves me dearly, but "does not want to commit to a life of misery", does not want to be pressured into marriage, now saying "what is love, why marry, etc" but can't seem to stop wanting me. Yesterday, his mother and sister in law came over to have a birthday picnic for my daughter and he came along as well with beautiful presents for my daughter. His mum held my hand and said "look, he wouldn't be here if he didn't care and want you. Can't you just sit back and let him 'be the man' and take his time with the decision?"

 

he just bought my best friends house, which is way bigger than he needs (3 bedrooms) and made intimations that in the nearish future he wants us to be together as a family, but he wants to take it slowly to trust the relationship again and make sure we won't fight, to get back to seeing why we fell in love.

 

We've talked the issue to death and at one stage, he felt so bad about the pain I am in over the issue, that he actually told me he 'didn't love me enough to marry'. but then he takes it all back the next day. We'll have a date, I feel great while I'm with him, then after, I get distraught and lonely. I even got to the point where I was saying "what is marriage, i just want to share my life with this man". But I need to understand if he loves me in that way!

 

To end the endless discussion over the matter, I gave him back the engagement ring and said " please go away and think: do I have long term intentions towards this woman? Bear in mind that I will be too uncomfortable in the 'dating' phase for very long (past 2 or 3 months) and will want to live together again, and that though I think marriage is out of the question for a while, I will want this at some stage in my life. You know instinctively what your feelings are towards me in this way. If you give me the ring back, I will not consider it as an engagement ring, but as a promise that you understand and have the same feelings, but just want time to get back to a good place together. Then we can both relax and get on with enjoying our time" He said okay. the next night, we went out to dinner. I was waiting for the answer. No answer. When we got home, I invited him in for coffee. I said it was innappropriate to sleep together etc until we knew the path we were taking. he agreed, but we kissed and cuddled etc. he said 'be patient' etc and 'isn't this fun'. When I tell him I can't stand it, he says " this is only a drop in an ocean of our life - be patient" Last night, I wanted to be with him, but he clearly wanted space, said he was tired etc, said maybe he'd go to the pub later for a pint with his mate. He did. I saw him and basically, in anger went to the pub and plonked myself down and had a drink with them and made myself look very stupid. He tried to talk about it, I just felt so hurt he didn't want to spend time with me. He said that I'd already stated I was goign out with my girlfriend, but you know, that was only so that I appeared busy, etc and I did make clear earlier in the evening I wanted to be with him. It ended badly. So far, no contact today.

 

Now, I'm expected at our mutual friends birthday bbq today. Should I go? How should I behave? Why is this so hard for him? Am I wasting my time? I had to take time off work last week I'm so screwed up over this and the doctor even prescribed a tranquiliser to help me get over the rolling waves of anxiety i've been experiencing. In every other aspect of my life, I'm decisive, confident and fun. I have no idea what to do and it's been going on so long, my friends are at a loss to understand what is happening!

 

Please guys, I think I have to go to this bbq, because otherwise, i look crazy, but while there - what do I do?

 

My friend suggested simply stating, in a pleasant but matter of fact way, to him IF he broaches the subject: You equate me with pressure and you have irrational anger towards me because of that. Until you can stop seeing me in this way, we have no future. Then walk away.

[Aliddy]

If I am to be completely honest, if you carry on behaving in this way, you will without doubt loose him.

 

It seems, all he asking for, is a little space, so he can be sure, and you simply refuse to allow him that.

 

It may be that you are scared of him not wanting you, I can understand that fear, but pressuring him so, truly wont help.

 

If you go to this BBQ, why dont you just act as he has asked, be yourself, have a great time, let him see you are not needy and dependent.

 

From what you have written, there is little doubt, he wants to work things out....................

 

So allow him to do that.......

[Ssheena]

I agree. If the tables were turned and a guy were acting like you are acting, I'd be hard pressed to hang on. What is it about getting married? Can't you be ok with the way things are or do you have your own issues you need to be looking at?

 

Do you like clingy, naggy people? Give the guy some time. Obviously he cares about you but if you keep pushing him, he is going to back away even more. I think it's time to take a good look at your role in this.

[datingmum]

but does this advice still pertain to me if he moved out 3 months ago? If we've been to-ing and fro-ing all that time?

 

I definitely have issues as my own childhood was unique, and having a family and being secure has always been a goal - some may say obsession! I do think that my reaction to his want for space is definitely a reflection of my wellbeing (or lack of in some ways).

 

Yet, how can you be sure his intentions are good?

 

I'm going. I will act normally. I will not say anything.

 

Thanks

[datingmum]

Well,

 

I've gone and screwed the whole thing up now.

 

Because I was unable to happily let him spend time on his own on Friday, I've started the whole vicious cycle again.

 

I went to the BBQ on Saturday. I had a fabulous time and we just spent time with our friends and had a cool time. We all went out to a nightclub later. We were dancing, he was kissing me, etc. Went back to his mates house, hung out till early hours whereupon we all decided to crash there. When I tried to sleep on a seperate couch, he got angry and it was all confusing. We woke up at 10am and he said "let's go back to your place to sleep" We did, he held me, it was wonderful, no sex. We woke up and he suggested we go out to a beautiful local town for some food. We did. I remember saying something about it being romantic and he said "oh, is that what we're doing". I said "yeah!" and laughed and we went on about our business. We ate, things were going fine, then I brought up the conversation about how I was sorry for freaking out on Friday, but I'd just been waiting to hear his response. He began getting increasingly angry, asking me why I needed all these gestures, I should read his behaviours, his being there as a gesture. Fast forward hours later, then he's telling me he has just been around because he 'cares' about me. He was flip-flopping faster than you can imagine. At one stage, he even angrily said " it was you that took off your engagement ring originally (2 months before the breakup~). He started down the path of "I dont' think this is ever going to work out. I need to walk away for good. Maybe he just was with me out of loneliness, that when he felt the pain of being apart, he should just 'bite down' and ride through it" I felt horrible. Ended up asking him to stay again, repeatedly.

 

I tried to agree with him completely. It seemed to have some effect. He did say I was terrified of being alone. He said he just wanted peace in his life and he was willing to endure the pain of walking away for good in order to achieve that. He said he loved me, but that he did not want the same things that I want right now (moving back in together, marriage) and couldn't guarantee he ever would in the future. I tried to calm him down, tell him that if he wants so much from me, space, time etc then he will have to also take a step in my direction.

 

It is as if the balance of power shifted to a horrid extreme. I think he capitulated so much in our relationship before, giving me what I wanted. That was wrong. He needed to be happy and comfortable too, but isn't very forward or confident asking for what he needed. Now, the pendulum has swung towards him having it all his way or no way (I want to date you, but no guarantees or discussions of the future at all). All I wanted was an assurance that he had good intentions, and was not still seeing me out of pity or feeling lonely. But really, I knew that answer all along. Unless I'm totally insane, I know he loves me. I know his mind and his body love me. When we are together and not talking about these things, we get on brilliantly.

 

When he would come out with some crazy thing like "I want out now. I'd say "okay" then he'd start justifying it. I'd say ok or start to explain myself and once I even said "I don't believe you" to which he said "what am I suppossed to do with that, with someone who doesn't believe me? You won't let me walk away will you." I said "if you want to be gone, go. i don't want you here if you don't want to be. But remember, you will feel differently tomorrow, when your anger has calmed."

I didn't want to let him leave on the 'it's completely over' note because that's happened between us, in the height of 'drama', so many times only to be overturned the next day by him coming back or me coming back and saying 'actually, I didn't mean it I miss you'. I can't take the drama of it all anymore. I have two beautiful daughters to raise who need me! If he was serious, why would he still be trying to be together and solve this? Why would he go out of his way to bring me an antique tablecloth from his grandmother's house and some binoculars for the kids on saturday before the BBQ? As I talked to him, I held his hand. At first, he didn't respond, but towards the end of the conversation, he began to stroke my hand back and pull this face he pulls when he wants to pinch my cheeks. We even hugged and kissed, I initiated. He said he needed to go home and think about it all.

 

My friends think he is on his first adult power trip and that he knows I am here waiting for him, so he can do/say anything he wants. They say I'm acting pathetic in many ways, allowing him to take his time and that by me pressuring him for 'relationship' updates, I am slowing the whole process if not screwing it up entirely.

 

This morning, he rang at 9am to tell me the motorway was jammed and why chat chat chat. I said "thanks for the tip". Tried to get off the phone quickly. He asked how I was. I was breezy and happy "fine, slept well, had some cool dreams." he said ' I feel awful. I slept horribly, didn't get to bed until 3 am'. I didn't press for why. He said "you sound different today", I said "really?" then said I had to go to work, he said "i'll talk to you later".

 

What the hell is going on? What should I really do, guys?

 

How can I let go? How can I just 'date' after we've been a family? Am I screwed up in the head? My friends think he's so angry, irrationally so, because he equates me with all the anxiety and stress. Yes our situation has exacerbated his issues, but they are not, by a long shot, the sole cause. Also, they feel he's angry because he's confused himself and sorry that he is causing so much pain, which again, makes him associate me with pressure/anger. They also think I keep making dumb mistakes and that I AM pressuring him somewhat.

 

But is it pressure? PLEASE HELP! I really do no want to lose this man. He is wonderful. I do not need him, I don't need anyone, but I love him so.

 

Honest bashing welcome!