I need her back...

[DH27]

Agreed, you need to be busy. Don't make it seem like you are ignoring her, but definately show her that you are a busy man, and have a life outside of her. Then she will see that you are an interesting person, and not just someone that is waiting for her to come back and thats it.

[Travis L]

Just a little venting... I seriously cannot wait until it's time for NC. Today is one of my infrequent down days... I don't know why, seeing how I spent it with the ex and even got the infrequent cuddle time with her.

 

She had me come into her work tonight (she manages a restaurant) to pick up something she had "accidentally" taken when she left this afternoon. I go in there before work and this guy that I despised while we were together was sitting at her bar. She smiles at me but doesn't say anything other than "cya" and hands me my stuff.

 

I dunno...I just wish she would treat me better. I treat her like gold (she comments on this often) yet she treats me like an acquittance in public. I understand the whole need for her to keep up appearances as she has a sorta boyfriend...

 

I'm just looking forward to some time away to get my mind right. This week of seeing her everyday is actually bringing me down. Two more days and my ass is going NC and partying (or something).

 

========UPDATE=======

update... The ex now lives in the apartment complex where one of my jobs is located(I do armed security/bodyguard work while in school). I was doing a patrol and ran into her.. She invites me back to her place where she talks to me about how $hitty her man is (again) and says, "I guess I deserve it...I treated you like ****." I comforted her and then he calls to tell her he is on his way over. I get up to leave and she stops me saying, "I love you....as a friend. You are my best friend." She is drunk and wouldn't stop hugging me.

 

Yeah, talk about a dagger through my heart... I don't mind being her best friend but to say I love you as a friend just about killed me... Oh well.. NC is just around the corner... See how your life is without your "best friend" in it. Now I'm just pissed!

 

Did I mention I do ARMED security... Too bad I'm a civil man or the douche bag would have my Glock shoved so far up his ass he'd be tasting lead right now.... Ok, not his fault with regards to our breakup but still... Him and her are less than 200 yards away from me right now...just doesn't feel right :)

[Blurple]

It has been a few days gone by since my initial progress. I have always said that when she goes back up to her town she starts to act different. That seems to be the case again. this time its not so bad. We talked yesterday about everything on the phone. this is what I got out of the convo

 

1. She is keeping options open because he doesn't to be alone. (even thought I told her I am here for her and she knows that)
   
2. She gets mad at me and herself when she starts to get closer.
   
3. She thinks I was being neurotic because of my point of view on our relationship.

At the end of the convo she still said that she loves me and misses me. I think when I start getting close to her I play in to hard. I just need to keep my self level I think and dont change when we start to get closer. I want to start making her work for me too. not just being so one sided.

 

I really feel like I am 100% here for her in terms of relationship supports and she is not. In fact she admittied this. As much as that pissed me off this is what I did

 

If you can recall in later post. She told me "were okay how things are." "I dont have anyone either." Blah Blah Blah. Then two days later she told me she might be dating someone. Well ended up she stopped talking to him or thats what she told me anyways... Ill find out.

 

I played the ace of spades on her.. I told her how $hitty doing something like that to me. (in a text). and also said if you want me to still talk to you then give me a good reason. She text messaged me back and said because you are the most important to me. right after she called me and said "I think you are tricking me." I replied No.. She said "I don't know why I say things like that to you" I then asked Who is the most important she said "herself" I told her "thats a given!!" She then said I was "the most important guy in her life." Thats when the convo pretty much ended.

 

What do I do if I think I am being dragged along??? Sometimes I do think so and other times I don't. I have even explained this to her and she thinks I am being "neurotic!!!!"

[MattyTee]

Hey Travis,

 

Thanks for responding.

 

How often have you made contact during those 7 weeks? How does she respond when you do make contact? LDR's are a lot more tricky then up close and personal, in my opinion. How often did you two see each other when you were together? Whats the longest you have gone without contacting her?

 

 

Well, you'll probably laugh at this. During week one I sent flowers and an email saying happy birthday. I talked to her a few days later for a few minutes on MSN. So that's probably twice in a week. Then at the end of the second week I had bought a plane ticket to go and see her (she had been upset I hadn't moved there yet and I wanted to show her how important she was to me). I had decided I would turn up and hand deliver a letter saying I would be at a pier near her every night at 6pm if she wanted to meet. She went nuts saying she didn't like to feel out of control and I ended up not going and losing the money. After that I talked with her sister for a couple of hours (after she had asked my ex if that was okay). She said that she was very emotional and confused and needed some time to work out what she wanted - so keep light contact. I did this for three weeks running, with one email a week - first email I got a cold response, second email had a friendly response, even a little flirty. Then no response to the third email. Finally last Friday I couldn't take it any more and talked to her on MSN. It started friendly and even a bit flirty but then we had "the talk". I got mixed messages that I think I mentioned. Some people think she's just trying not to be too cruel - but it's kept me hoping (and hurting ).

 

Now, I'm completely out of contact. The thing is she really seems to have moved on. She's joined a dating site, not sure if she's meeting people yet but I imagine she will. She seems very happy. On the upside I love her and want her to be happy. On the downside I'd like to be with her and be the one making her happy

 

We've always been in close contact over our relationship - talking every day or every couple of days. We've lived together for three out of the eight years as well. First relationship for both of us ... real "love of my life" type stuff - even though most people give me the don't be silly you'll find other love speech.

 

Anyway,

 

Thanks for responding.

[DH27]

Update about last night:

 

I'm at the party, and she texts me saying she is gonna come up tonight. So she gets there and everything goes great. It was a lot like last week. We are having a great time, and whenever I go somewhere (bathroom, get some water) she says she wants to go too and follows behind me holding my hand, and she always interlaced our fingers. Near the end of the party, we take one last shot, and then we crawl into a loft bed and Put my back up against the wall and am just laying there, and she lays down on me with her head on my chest. I run my fingers across her back because I know she loves that. We are just hanging out and talking about whatever when she kisses me, just out of the blue. It was like it was when we were back together. We were just flirting back and forth, kissing each other, it was great. She asked me if I'd been with any girls while we have been here at Purdue, I tell her I had hung out with some, but I always found myself comparing them to her, and that none of them hold a candle to her. She tells me she's done the same with guys. She absolutely knows how I feel, because I told her.

 

Yes we had both been drinking, but we were both fine enough to walk back to our dorms, so we weren't smashed or anything. But it was getting really late (after 4 in the morning) and she needed to go back to her dorm. She says to me that she is scared because of what happened, she doesn't want to hurt me, that we need to take it slow, but that she doesn't regret anything she did.

 

All that talk scares me too. We are going to get breakfast now, so I'm just gonna play it cool, and have fun. But what do I do now? She knows how I feel, I don't want to push her away. What do I do now?

[Blurple]

DH27 looks like you have caught up to me... I think at this point you make her work at getting back with you!! because you have done all you can do.. thats just how i am playing it now.. ill let you know how it goes

[Blurple]

Today I have hit a low.. I think im going to start an NC with my Ex in about a month... I don't know I just feel like I am being stringed along all the sudden... agh... I told her we will see how things go in a month when that happens NC time.. what should I be doing in the mean time any advice?

 

 

DH27 I really think you are going to have to ask her at least where she stands on your relationship dont do it now.. I did it last night with my girl and she hates talking about it, I do to its stressful for both of us. just wait it out then ask when you feel its right..

 

My Girl told me on the phone that I am getting her back slowly but surly.... I Just hope nothing fugs it up

[niceguy27]

You guys are doing good. Your making them come back to you. At least you are getting a chance to hang out with them. My ex for some reason is TRYING to shut her feelings off. She is trying to prove something I think to herself. I called her yesterday about the rest of her stuff and she never called back. I wrote a letter and posted it in the coping section. Here it is if you want to read it. I dont know if I will send it to her in the mail or shred it:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117844/13

 

Im at my wits end.

[DH27]

She says to me that she is scared because of what happened, she doesn't want to hurt me, that we need to take it slow, but that she doesn't regret anything she did.

 

What does that mean? I really don't know what to do now. I know I need to keep playing it cool, but should I start doing small things like hold her hand? I do need to ask her where she stands. This is what I'm thinking I should do. Tonight we are going to see the football game with some friends. After the game when we are heading back to our dorms, once everyone else is gone, ask her where she stands. Or, I could wait and she might bring it up? I really don't know what to do here guys, help me... I'm scared of whats going to happen, I don't know if its gonna be 2 months ago all over again.

[niceguy27]

Dont rush it. Just keep having fun. Let things progress naturally. If it comes up, let her be the one to do it...I should listen to my own advice. Its a lot easier to give it than to live it.

[DH27]

Ok, yeah I think I know what you mean. I just need to keep hanging out with her, be fun, be myself. We'll see how things go. I feel like I'm so close, but so far away also. Know what I mean?

 

Any more advice? This situation I'm in now is a scary one.

[niceguy27]

Reassure her that she needs to quit worrying about you. She is too focused on the past. Tell her to let it go and take it ONE day at a time. If you know what the problems are now you have a good chance at heading them off before it gets too bad.

[DH27]

Yeah, I don't really know what they are exactly. I just know she has some barriers built up about it. I need to find out where she stands with the whole idea. I'll try not to jump the gun on asking her about it though. I'm gonna wait it out till I get a good moment. Well I'm leaving now to go hang out with her. Wish me luck

[Blurple]

Yeah, I don't really know what they are exactly. I just know she has some barriers built up about it. I need to find out where she stands with the whole idea. I'll try not to jump the gun on asking her about it though. I'm gonna wait it out till I get a good moment. Well I'm leaving now to go hang out with her. Wish me luck

 

Here is a thought maybe they are just as confused as we are.. I mean they dont know whats going throught our heads and we dont know whats going thru theirs... Taking it slow and doing one day at a time is the best for us now.

 

I been thinking about and got some good advice from a friend.. I just think my girl wants me to recourt her all over again.. well i am going to do that but know be so hard about it.. like i said take it slow and start our relationship all over again

[MattyTee]

Damn, I wish things were at this stage for me. I'm 5000 miles away and she's not contacted me once

 

I did think that in a few months I'd ask if she wanted to try going on a date. I mean at the end of the day she'd get a free meal and a walk on the beach out of it ... if nothing else

[Blurple]

Damn, I wish things were at this stage for me. I'm 5000 miles away and she's not contacted me once

 

I did think that in a few months I'd ask if she wanted to try going on a date. I mean at the end of the day she'd get a free meal and a walk on the beach out of it ... if nothing else

 

Well I think an 8 year relationship doesnt end in a snap. maybe she thinks marrage is the next step and wants to test the waters.. Think of it more as a break than a break up.

[DH27]

Well tonight went really well. We went to the game, and she was leaning on me the whole time with her arms over my shoulders. She would put her head down on my shoulders from time to time cause she was tired. Then we went up to my frat again to have some fun. We kissed more too later tonight. She had to leave early though to take care of a friend of hers that was getting sick.

 

So we are going back to our home town tomorrow. I want to see her, but should I wait for her to make the contact? Or should I suggest that we get some thing to eat or coffee? I know she still has feelings for me, otherwise she wouldn't kiss me repeatedly at parties, or come up to dance with me multiple times. I just need to be able to bring that out. Any tips?

[Blurple]

So we are going back to our home town tomorrow. I want to see her, but should I wait for her to make the contact? Or should I suggest that we get some thing to eat or coffee? I know she still has feelings for me, otherwise she wouldn't kiss me repeatedly at parties, or come up to dance with me multiple times. I just need to be able to bring that out. Any tips?

 

Just wait see what she does.. your doing good. stick to the plan.. she will call you. Keep letting her make all the contact for now.

[DH27]

Well I've been feeling alright about my situation for a while, until now. Its time for one of those lovely anxiety attacks. I don't know guys, I'm just not feeling very confident about this now. I know we kissed at parties, but it just feels like there is a barrier that I can't get through... Like, when we are at parties all her inhibitions are gone: she follows me around, she comes to dance with me, she kisses me, we cuddle, we hold hands all the time... But when we aren't at parties, its not always easy to hang out with her, we never cuddle, and we don't kiss. Help me out guys...I've hit a low point...damn roller coaster...

 

I don't know, I guess I'm just looking for a pick-me-up. A couple tips on what to do, especially with contact. We are back home for Fall Break, and I asked her today through texting if she wanted to get some ice cream tonight, but she said she already had some because they were celebrating her mom's birthday. I'd like to see her during the break while we are back home. I think I would be able to bring up some past emotions now that we are back where it all began. I don't know what do you guys think?

[Blurple]

Well I've been feeling alright about my situation for a while, until now. Its time for one of those lovely anxiety attacks. I don't know guys, I'm just not feeling very confident about this now. I know we kissed at parties, but it just feels like there is a barrier that I can't get through... Like, when we are at parties all her inhibitions are gone: she follows me around, she comes to dance with me, she kisses me, we cuddle, we hold hands all the time... But when we aren't at parties, its not always easy to hang out with her, we never cuddle, and we don't kiss. Help me out guys...I've hit a low point...damn roller coaster...

 

I don't know, I guess I'm just looking for a pick-me-up. A couple tips on what to do, especially with contact. We are back home for Fall Break, and I asked her today through texting if she wanted to get some ice cream tonight, but she said she already had some because they were celebrating her mom's birthday. I'd like to see her during the break while we are back home. I think I would be able to bring up some past emotions now that we are back where it all began. I don't know what do you guys think?

 

 

Dont let one little text message get you down.. Its just one thing.... remember you are making progress. keep it up. Nothing is wrong you are over analyzing everything. let her always come to you... and if you have too dont act so interested

[DH27]

Yeah what he is talking about is this:

 

We just got home for fall break today, and we were talking through texting how we missed everything, specifically our own beds, and how I layed in mine and it was so nice...and that she couldnt wait to sleep in hers. Well around 9 she says she was going to bed, so I say goodnight and go about my business. At about 11 I get a random text from her saying "Ur bed is better...."

 

Yeah so after this I'm thinking yes! Heres my chance to start up something. So I say to her "It was always better with you..." thinking I'm gonna get a good response. But she replies "Ha ha not sure about that, but it is just better. Night night."

 

So yeah I go from the happiest man on the planet to dead. Its ok I'm good now, I just hope I didn't screw things up. So what now?

[niceguy27]

Ugh...Those little texts are like little hits from a drug. Its good for a minute but then you want more. Try your hardest to maintain your distance from her. She will never be able to make up her mind about what she wants if she can come back a little here and a little there one minute, then completely change the next.

 

The last month has sucked hard for me but I went out with a good friend of mine this weekend (girl) and had a blast. It was the first time Ive done that since the break up. She complimented me on how I look and we just had fun. Its a great self confidence booster to hear that from a woman. I still want more than anything to get back with the ex but I am starting to see that in order for her to think about me and wonder about us, I need to completely and utterly let her have her space. Only then can she get a real comparison to what we had.

 

Same with you guys. Go out and hang with a girl. Put little notecards around your house reminding you deserve better and other pick me ups. That way when your feeling weak or down all you have to do is glance over and bam. Out of the blue is this little card with a pick me up on it. Its small but it works.

[DH27]

I don't know its just weird... What other possible way could she mean by "Ur bed is better...." than what we all thought she meant at first? Not to mention the fact that she sent me that randomly at 11 o'clock at night. I mean come on? And then I get a response like that for what I said. I just don't understand what was going through her head when she sent that? Was she testing the waters? Seeing how I feel about this situation possibly? What do you think she is thinking?

[Blurple]

Maybe she just got a little overwhelmed, its a good possiblity. Maybe just didnt want it to go that far in that direction... or she didnt know what to say back or just got shy....

[niceguy27]

As hard as it is you cannot read into anything she says. Not until she fully commits to coming back. She knows that when she has a thought like that pop into her head she can instant relief if you send something back right away to her. There is no way to know what is going through a womans head. They do whatever they want in the end. There is nothing we guys can do. It ultimately comes down to them choosing.